Changing outlook, changing habits(In-box and other wisdom) - Days 10 and 11 of 31 Days of Change.

Yesterday I had an important meeting to attend for my day job.

It was important to me that my work was as perfect as is practically possible for this meeting.

It was an hour before the meeting. Most of the morning, and the weeks leading up to this, have been spent trying to reach a point where all of my work was completely perfect. That way the illusion that I am coping would be maintained. I have maintained this illusion many times before. Or at least I used to think I had.

It was an hour before the meeting. I started to panic as one of my files was not ready. It is now impossible for the illusion of "perfect" to be maintained. I am going to have to confess that this one file is not completed. I am going to have to admit that I "am not coping".

Oh and by the way, I know that "am not coping" =  how it is for most of my colleagues = how it is for many, many of us human beings living in the madness that is the western world.

The change is that I relaxed enough to admit that this file is not complete, this.file.is.not.complete. I relaxed enough to know that it doesn't really matter. I know that in this job, I work hard(possibly harder but in a more focused way than I have ever worked in my life). I know that I am compassionate. I know that I am prepared to break stupid rules if I think they are not for the benefit of the people I work with.

The change is that when something isn't right I will now not be so afraid to speak up and speak out. I will not worry(as much as I once did) about that old habit called "pleasing people". Yesterday I questioned when something had been told to me, and later contradicted. I will not roll over and feel bad about myself for someone else's mistake. I will not make excuses for people in positions of authority.

I really feel that a change is a-coming. I really feel that a change is a-come.

In my in-box yesterday came this:

"You are a magnet for good in your life!  Look around and take in the blessings you have already received.  Notice everything  you have that you enjoy or feeds you.  You deserve ALL this good and so much more!  Are you practicing receiving it?"

- Dr Petra

Now it doesn't often feel these days as if there is much good coming my way, our way. It has felt pretty bad for many months. However when I read this yesterday my heart felt full. I feel as if I am doing good in my day job. Even if I am pushing against the tide, I feel as if how I relate to people and the things that are happening (with a little bit of help from me, and a lot of positive thinking); really make me that magnet, make me blessed indeed. 

I feel as if my attitude is changing to a can-do attitude. The system is hard on people right now, my day job involves helping people grapple with the system and I try to work within it. I feel less hopelessness despite the changes in our society. Some days are hard; for instance today I left a woman crying when the system said no and she did not think she had the strength to take another step; I listened whilst another woman told me her story, and I shook my head at what we(society) expect people to bear in this life without crumbling or showing weakness or needing help, or still needing help, or needing help again. 

My attitude is changing to one that trusts my own gut feelings and follows these up with risky choices in how I work. I still work with hope but now I have more of a let's make it happen attitude. 

I could just shrug my shoulders, tell people that there is no help except for them to help themselves. 

This is part of my job I know. I have to do this when it is appropriate. But I have to help and offer empathy too. 

My attitude is changing because I now am beginning to believe that my way of working is not so wrong after all. I am not too soft or too caring, as I have been accused of being in days gone by. Maybe my way of working needed some tightening up, I'll admit that. I needed to learn how to discuss the most difficult issues, be more assertive with the help I offered; and how to motivate people to take at least a little more control, of lives that have been drifting or chaotic since childhood. I needed to learn more about how to help people to stand up again after bad experiences, how to help people see that they can make a change one step at a time, that it may not seem like much, but it's a start. 

When I drove home tonight, I felt the love and the despair of life. This is life. Real life. Real people. I felt that good is coming to me through the work that I do and the people I meet. I've often struggled with my day job and how it prevents me from doing other things. Today I felt and received the blessings it brings to me.

What do you need to open your heart to receiving? What blessings do you notice in your life? I know they are many and most of you out there in blogland are already sharing these.