Count your blessings. Day 3 of the August Moon13.

 

Once in a blue moon, what would you wish for?

I am currently enjoying a time to reflect along with  Kat's August Moon 13,

Kat writes: "As we transition into the last quarter of the year, we are inviting you to join us in responding to a series of prompts designed to bring you closer to all you wanted 2013 to be. We reckon that now is the time to ask: the universe will hear you."

Day 3: Sometimes we get too caught up in life's circumstances. Count the blessings you have had to be grateful for this year. 

A daily gratitude list was what saved me and brought me home a few years ago.

Lately I've been trying to find that feeling again.

I've started a new gratitude practice, then stopped, then started again, then stopped.

That person I was back then, making her daily lists, she really felt the awe and wonder and the gratitude.

This person I have been just lately has done nothing but moan, gripe and complain to all that will listen, mainly herself. She has not felt at all grounded or grateful for quite a few months now. She has felt very lost and empty and tired.

Occasionally she has lifted her head and felt gratitude for the light falling in a certain way, or the shadow of a bird in flight captured on her camera, or the sound of the sea, or a smile between two people who have been apart a long while. Then down into the dark again.

So I'm trying once again to ground myself. To deliberately choose to anchor myself, in the rituals and practices that help me stay me.

Today I can truly count my blessings again. The news is so dark this week following the chemical weapons attack on people in Syria, the continuing troubles in so many places across the world, whisperings of war, and the culling of beautiful wild creatures, the badgers. 

Today I really feel grounded in thankfulness. Whilst hurting of course. How can we not hurt with news like this.

Blessings to count this year:

1. People who stand up against injustice and cruelty(all around me in the world, on my twitter, and in blogland).

2. Being able to demonstrate alongside some of these back in March(having the transport, free time and able body).

3. Having my son home for a time.

4. His loveliness, his friends, his passion, his humour.

5. He is safe.

6. My job. I am employed. I have a measure of freedom within it to be creative in my "helping". I can hold a newborn baby and comfort his Mother; laugh with a 60 year old man that many people would struggle to "get"; connect with an 86 year old lady who is prickly; be sat on by cats and dogs; smile ruefully at a young mother's "bubble"; find a home for a much loved dog and listen to his owner and her 9 year old granddaughter tell me stories of their lives as I drive them home. I really love my job. None of the above is strictly in my job description.

7. My home - safety.

8. My car - travel.

9. Mr Stayingawake. He is a very kind, understanding and wise man. Despite all of my wailing and complaining. Despite all my wanting of something different.

10. Family. I am grateful for the continuing presence of certain family members in particular in my life. One person in particular is steadfast and caring, my struggle with her is less now and we are more peaceful.

11. Sleep. Cotton wool in my ears and all.

12. Holidays - art, culture, travel, nature, time.

13. Live music. Music full stop but we have enjoyed many live concerts this year.

14. Books. I am reading Alice Walker and Clarissa Pinkola Estes at the moment.

15. My computer. I've been having some trouble with my puter this week and am so grateful it is working today. Love my Internet. 

16. Clean clothes, washing machine, running water, taps, household technology that help free me up for other pursuits. I take a glass of tap water to bed every night and usually drink it every morning so I am very grateful for running water.

17. A weekend I spent with friends I met on my travels in 2010. Card readings and bus trips.

18. Blogging and blogging friends.

19. Sunshine and summer- this year has been so hot here and I am so thankful for that. Not one word of complaint about the heat has passed my lips. 

20. Light and shadow. Always.

21. The August Break. My camera. Time to look and to reflect and to enjoy the visual. No need for words. Time for words to gather themselves.

22. Sea and hills. Off for a walk tonight.

23. It isn't 2012 anymore and things are so much better. It will never be 2012 again.

24. Opportunities to learn, even if the lessons are hard ones, from the new family we now have living with us. 

25. Two people who love each other very much are reunited at last. I was allowed to share in all that.

I feel so lucky so why am I still afraid? It's called being a Mother I think, or maybe it is called being human.

6.30 pm Saturday. It is quiet here. Everyone is out. The sun is still shining through the blinds and through them I can also see the leaves on our friend tree, moving in the wind. I am lying on the bed. I want to write about how lucky I feel, how lucky I am, how relieved, how afraid, how shaken, how glad.

I pinch myself. Am I dreaming? Will I wake up to find we are still in the middle of the horror? Or is it really over?

Since the end of spring and for almost the whole of the summer, I have been afraid.

Now that the awfulness is over, why do I still feel so fearful?

I am not feeling sorry for myself. It's been two weeks now but some days I still feel in a sort of shock.

I know that I am lucky. We are lucky. We have come through to the other side and the nightmare is over. I am even afraid to write those words...."the nightmare is over"...just in case the monsters hear me and come back!

 ----------------------------------------------

My life really has been very blessed. Sometimes I forget this.

I remember when this was my song:

I still believe that this is true. I have had so many near misses. If this hadn't happened, or that had happened, then things could have been very different. Much worse than they in fact were. I might have not been so lucky.

I remember when I was the optimistic and hopeful one. Someone said to me once that she admired me because I always "worked with hope." Recently I have reflected on this and feel that I was rather naive back then. I am more realistic now. Maybe I am less hopeful too. I've come through some times when I have felt very bitter and alone. Where am I now?

Sometimes, in recent years, I have heard myself saying "My life wasn't meant to be this way."

That was before this summer's horror. Now I just want for us all to be safe. For this peaceful, quiet time to last for the rest of our lives. Life isn't like that. I am braced for the next horror that will come. It feels as if nothing could be as awful as this was. I guess even this could have been more awful. We might not have come through it as we have. Things could have gone this way....or that. The horror was so close. We are lucky.

On Friday one of my clients said those words to me. "I can't believe that my life has ended up this way. I can't believe it. My life wasn't meant to be this way." she said.

I looked at her and felt compassion. I wanted to fix her sadness. I wanted things to be different.

I tried to tell her that so many people feel this way.

I couldn't tell her that I sometimes feel this way too. I am lucky.

She looks at my life and sees something of what she misses in her's. My presence reminds her of what she once had. "You've got a good job, " she says, "and I miss driving my car."

I look at her and even as I feel so close, I also feel so lucky. She reminds me of what could be for any one of us. I try to find the words to tell her that I know, that I am sorry, that life is just a game of chance in so many ways and the wheel spins round and round.

"Round and round she goes, where she stops nobody knows."

I don't know what to tell her, and she isn't listening anyway, she is in her own world and locked into the unfairness of it all; plus she is unwell, her mind does not allow her the peace that mine allows me.

 More often than I used to think, my mind does allow me peace. It allows me joy. My mind can still be troubled when my outside world is not. Even when things are calm and peaceful outside, I can still have episodes of depression.

However these days, I am still more peaceful; even whilst knowing that my life has brought me to this place and not that other one, imagined in childhood. I am more peaceful and thankful than I was before the summer.

I am lucky.

Somehow the events of the summer have left me feeling a little of what someone who has been physically attacked must feel. I feel as if there has been a relentless physical attack on my body and on my family. I feel shaken and afraid. In shock. Fearful. Expecting more. Relieved but mistrustful. Hurt. Injured. Attacked. I feel ATTACKED.

This is how someone must feel after a mugging, a rape, an assault, in a war zone. Only so much more. I am only feeling a fraction of that. I think of Katie Piper, who was raped and then attacked, having acid thrown in her face. I think of children who witness their parents tortured and murdered in war zones. I think of women and children who suffer repeated abuse or domestic violence. I think of all of the hurt and frightened people trying to recover from such horrors. I feel closer to them. I have always felt compassion. Now I can truly feel something of what they must feel. This is a blessing. I recognise that it is so, even whilst wanting to feel nothing.

Every knock on the door makes me start in panic. Every unexpected ring of the phone causes my stomach to lurch and my eyes to widen. I am waiting for more. I expect more to come. I am afraid. How do people ever find the strength to carry on? How do people ever stop being afraid?

“Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgement that something else is more important than fear.”

- Ambrose Redmoon

This cannot carry on. This fear. It was a near miss. We escaped.

We feel relief. We cannot celebrate that it is over. We feel exhausted from the onslaught. But it is time to feel joy again, to laugh again, to let go and be free again.We cannot let fear win.

Katie Piper in her book, "Things Get Better", writes about counting your blessings as being an important step in healing;

"When things were at their very worst, when all seemed lost, I would work hard to think to myself: at least I am not blind in both eyes; at least my attackers are in prison now; at least I live in a country where such an act is a crime and where we have excellent medical care; at least I am alive."

- Katie Piper

I feel lucky that my loved one was only hurt by someone telling a lie, yes it was a very dangerous lie that could have ruined his life, but I still feel lucky that the lie was found to be just that; that my loved one did not harm himself; that he sought medical help when he was at his lowest; and that now he can recover. His life was not ruined by this. He is a good person who deserves better. I have faith and optimism that life will be good to him now. He feels vulnerable but he is out there now, being himself, and trusting that the bad times are over.

Even as I write this, I think..."Please"...and my eyes look upwards.

Katie Piper also talks about faith, belief and trust as key in helping someone recover and find strength: 

"There was a moment when I was in hospital just after the attack, when something from somewhere made me believe that I should carry on and keep going. I personally believe it was God speaking to me, though of course I know that other people will have their own opinion on that. Whether it was God, a higher being, something deep inside me or an angel, who knows? But I listened, and for the first time tried to have faith that things would not always be like this and that my health, my life, my mind would get better." 

- Katie Piper

Whilst it was all going on this summer, I remember praying that it could be me instead of him. Normally I do not pray. I do not know who or what I was praying to. I asked that he would not suffer for anything I had done to bring him to this place. I asked that it be me that suffered.

We are tied together still. Always. When he suffers so do I. I suppose that me suffering would hurt him too. However he is young and would gain strength and go forward I am sure, if that were ever the case. 

Anyway. Enough. It is over. I can breathe again. We can smile again. He can be free again. We are lucky. We are blessed.

Like another blogger friend whose post I read today, I would like to find a place of Equanimity.

Whilst it is peaceful here now, and my mind is becoming more peaceful too, I am afraid that I will not be able to find the strength to deal with whatever might come next. I had a glimpse of the quality or state of equanimity during the summer, but did not have the stamina needed to maintain this whilst things were spiralling out of my control.

I need to practice and work on that which brings me closer to that state again; so that when the world spins into chaos again for me, I can remain in this place of love and peace rather than spin off too, into panic and hopelessness. So that I can remain the person I wish to be in each moment whatever comes, and know that we are all safe and at peace in the timeless space.

"By definition, everything in time eventually ends. Our bodies and those of all we love grow ill, age, and inevitably die. All our material possessions fall prey to time. Our raging emotions of the moment and the situations which give rise to them are entirely forgotten in a week or two. Equanimity, however, opens us to the timeless, the deathless. Indeed, equanimity develops through our contact with that part of our soul that resides in the timeless. This peace from the worlds beyond time, embraces the world in time."

- innerfrontier.org

Comfort and Joy

Reverb 11 day 19:  

What were the unexpected sources of joy and comfort in 2011?

May 2011

 Yoga.

Art Journalling.

Seeking the spiritual dimension. Readings here.

Some new blogging friends who all have a very strong Christian faith.....which I do not....they are(to me) very unexpected sources of joy and comfort.....and often set me questing, or leave me feeling inspired, joyful, comforted or peaceful.

AEDM Day 4 - Capturing the November Sky at Sunset

“You cannot have East without having West. And you cannot have night without having day. And you cannot have summer without having winter. We have to accept the life in its totality. There is a certain rhythm, there is a polarity."     

Osho

 

In my in-box and elsewhere - Words of Wisdom.

This morning in my in-box I found these words from the Center for Spiritual Living: 

YOU are a magnet for love and joy, peace and prosperity, simply because of the Being you are.  The Universe is incarnating through you, as you, so it can create and express love and life, joy and prosperity. YOU are its perfect expression.  Revel in this truth! Contemplate it every day and let it become your inner reality.  Then, it will automatically become your outer reality!

Flower Festival - Cathedral Sainte-Reparate, Nice - October 2011

Expressing joy through creativity this evening, at Stained Glass making class. Day two of Creative Every Day  and sitting outside the class at 6.30pm I really was dreading going in. Five minutes inside and I was fully engrosssed in cutting my very tricky shapes, and soon the sound of the glass cutter on the glass was sounding more certain. I had to tear myself away at the end! Great joy!

Thursday morning addition:

Found this wisdom from Kind Over Matter, this morning, and it just seems to fit here on this page.....much to ponder and re-commit to. Off out of the door to work now, with Jo's words in my head......

Release againstness. Know that what you push against, will just push right back. Let go of feeling bad for someone else. Create victimhood for no one. See the power in every being. See it for them when they are struggling to see it for themselves. Assist them in knowing the magnitude of their creative authenticity.

Monday Meditation - Connection

Waking up in the morning
I vow with all beings
to listen to those whom I love,
especially to things they don't say.

Lighting a candle for Buddha
I vow with all beings
to honor your clear affirmation:
"Forget yourself and you're free."

When I stroll around in the city
I vow with all beings
to notice how lichen and grasses
never give up in despair

Watching a spider at work
I vow with all beings
to cherish the web of the universe:
touch one point and everything moves.

When the racket can't be avoided
I vow with all beings
to close my eyes for a moment
and find my treasure right here.

With tropical forests in danger

I vow with all beings

to raise hell with the people responsible
and slash my consumption of trees.

Watching gardeners label their plants
I vow with all beings
to practice the old horticulture
and let plants identify me.

On reading the words of Thoreau
I vow with all beings
to cherish our home-grown sages
who discern the perennial Way.

Falling asleep at last
I vow with all beings
to enjoy the dark and the silence
and rest in the vast unknown.

Taken from: The Dragon Who Never Sleeps: Verses for Buddhist Practice 

by Robert Aitken.

Growing on the rocks - June 2011

FLOW #mindful52 Week 26

It's been a while since I wrote a blog entry using one of the Mindful52  prompts. However I have been thinking on the prompt from Week 26 ever since the end of June when Heather wrote...... 

This week’s topic is FLOW. 

Life inherently has its own rhythm and flow.

Think of the ocean, the balance of the seasons, the constancy of day and night.

We as humans attempt to control so much of our lives when truthfully, “going with the flow” is the best way to carry on and CARRY OM!

To me, flow is related to the second and third chakras, relating to our emotions and power respectively – Svadhisthana and Manipura. Use meditation, visualization and yoga poses to open these chakras to get unstuck. Sun Salutations and Moon Salutations are both great flowing practices that allow release of both of these chakras through forward folds, backbends and lateral bends.

As always, use this week to be mindful of easy flow in your life – and lack thereof! Physically notice in quiet moments those places that feel constricted and stuck – where the breath won’t flow freely as it should. 

Since March this year I've been attending a Yoga class almost every week. In more recent weeks I've been doing a little yoga at home too. Yoga was always one of my intentions and though I "dabbled" a bit, I never made the commitment to myself until this year. I am still very much in the early stages and my practice is no where near disciplined enough, but I am just glad I made it to a class and keep going back. That is enough right now.

Thoughts of flow, have been swishing around at the back of my mind ever since I read Heather's prompt.

I noticed that flow has been present in my Yoga practice,  how I've been loving the easy movement from one yoga pose to another; as I've moved into downward dog from upward facing dog for example. I notice that the days this feeling of flow happens, are more often the days I practice at home.

In the class, I am often unsure of the sequence of poses that the teacher is choosing that day, there are other people about, and there is her voice, talking us through the breathing, commenting on our poses, pausing to explain. On these days there is never a glimpse of flow, sometimes just frustration or sometimes excitement at learning something new.

Then there are simply the days when, whether at home or in class, my body seems to fight and resist, it is a struggle to move my limbs, everything hurts, and the clock moves slowly. I am thinking ahead to what I will eat when I get home.

Last Friday night in the class, I had to put my mat in another area of the room, near the front, nearer the mirror and to the left of the teacher. I noticed that somehow the other bodies in the room seemed to fade, I couldn't see the teacher well from where I was, I had to listen to her rather than watch her. It all led to a very different experience in class. Almost a flow-like experience. Less self-consciousness, more control, more flow and more trust in my body.

I notice that I associate flow in yoga, with self-trust, power and confidence in my body. Off the mat I associate flow with confidence, empowerment and self-trust in my mind, and in my gut feelings.

Every time you don't follow your inner guidance, you feel a loss of energy, loss of power, a sense of spiritual deadness.  

~Shakti Gawain

 For such a long time I haven't trusted myself or been able to hear my inner voice, looking to others for reassurance, or completely disregarding my own thoughts or ideas. I love that feeling of flow and it reminds me of times when I have been so caught up in something, at work for example. I remember those times when I've been doing something that felt completely natural to me, I am "out" of my mind, lose all self-consciousness, and am in the FLOW ZONE. There may have been lots of hard work and soul searching put in before, but once in the zone there is nothing like that feeling! You know that feeling don't you? Pure joy.

The way you overcome shyness is to become so wrapped up in something that you forget to be afraid.  

~Lady Bird Johnson

Learning something new, developing skills, life changes, feeling unwell or tired; these things are always going to different degrees, be a struggle. The flow will be less free,  if it is there at all. There will be times that flow is blocked.

What I have to accept, is that there will always be challenges, some exciting, some that I would rather not face and make me want to curl up into a great big ball of numb.

It is more compassionate to learn not to resist, and not to give up on things or give less that my full commitment. It is more compassionate not to become so lost in self-doubt and not-knowing, that I cannot function in life and disappear. It is more compassionate to learn not to ride roughshod over my inner voice, and feelings.

The "I shoulds";  the "my body should be able to";  the "what will people think"; the "what they expect of me"; the "what I expect of myself"; all of those need to be banished.

I cannot control everything.

I am perfect already with all of my flaws.

Presenting an illusion of competence to the world, and comparing myself to others has been the maker of misery in my life.

Now I need to go with the flow, swim through the struggles and simply smile compassionately; laugh even,  as my body wobbles or collapses or just "wont do that!"  Out there in the world too.

It is kinder to let go of the fact that my body is out of shape after years of neglect; let go of the regrets that I didn't start this earlier; let go of the shrugging of shoulders and the defeated attitude that says...."what do you expect from this poor tired body of mine?" Out there in the world too.

Letting go means also having realistic expectations of myself, not expecting perfection, no illusion but  compassion with boundaries for my body. Not shoulds. Can do and will do this. Can't do and won't put my body at risk by doing that. That's still hard - the can't do. Out there too.

 

Not being able to govern events, I govern myself, and apply myself to them, if they will not apply themselves to me

~Michel de Montaigne, Essays, 1588

On Friday I found myself giving up after weeks of battling with one particular pose, I just said, I can't do that and accepted that fact - the pose isn't comfortable and never will be. It is not a pose for me. On the other hand I love the pose that involves holding my toes and stretching my legs up, balancing on my behind. I laugh at myself as I wobble over and fall backwards. Today I was impressed with myself as I managed to hold that pose for much longer before enjoying a wobble.

Other people's emotions have swamped me in recent years. In my work my boundaries were often blurred and I was overwhelmed by the problems of others. I just seemed to soak up all the negative emotions. I started to feel hopeless. I couldn't help other people any longer as I was so completely blocked emotionally. I had lost my power, my identity, and my sense of worth. I felt only shame. I started to shut my own emotions down and focused on those of others. My own emotions either overwhelmed me or were closed down. I started to isolate myself on many different levels.

 

Never apologize for showing feeling.  When you do so, you apologize for the truth.  ~Benjamin Disraeli

 

There is control in FLOW. Not the tight control of the shoulds, the musts or the mustn'ts. Not the control that shame forces on you, where you are afraid to show yourself. Flow is moving freely, following a channel. One of mindfulness, self-awareness, self-regulation and the claiming back of one's own power. Our emotions are not my ememies nor are they our rulers. It's time to make friends with my emotions.

Letting go involves holding on. Being out of control is not letting go. Getting to know my body, joy, fun and laughter.......these are the keys......I am flowing, I am noticing and tending to the stuck places.

The truest expression of a people is in its dance and in its music.  Bodies never lie. 

~Agnes de Mille

Expanding The Circle Of Compassion - #Mindful52

In other traditions demons are expelled externally. But in my tradition demons are accepted with compassion. 

- machik labdron (via Pema Chodron)

Week 16 of Mindful52 and Heather reminded us of one central lesson of life, compassion. She also shared a really useful tool to help us in our practice, from ZenHabits.

Heather's post prompted me to return to one of the tools I was working with at the beginning of the year.

Revisiting Pema Chodron's book, and reflecting on my compassion practice through Heather's prompt, has really helped me lift myself out of the stuckness I've been in lately. It's been evident here in my blog, as well as in my life, that I've gotten stuck in particular stories about myself. I started to beat myself up a little about how much I was sharing of myself here and just how readers might perceive me; maybe as a little selfish or too inward looking. I lost sight of the fact that this is my space and simply here for me to sort out all the fragments from these boxes of old stories. Here I am throwing out some old worn out stuff, and trying to put what is useful back together again. Maybe I got stuck in staring a little too long into the corners, but perhaps that is inevitable, probably because it is the first time I have opened these particular boxes and really looked at how I got to where I am now. 

Whilst trying not to identify too much with these stories, it is difficult not to be sucked in again and again, in new and more complex ways. I am constantly working on this, as are so many of us. This is our life's work. I am doing the work, really, it's just that sometimes you really need to take a rest.

So whilst reading about compassion and consciously practicing over the past two weeks, I was so grateful when a post on this very topic by Bindu Wiles  showed up in my twitter feed. I read her words with relief as it really helped me to sort out this old story I have about myself as a selfish person and this other story I have about myself as a compassionate person. I fished out these short sentences of her's below, but I really recommend reading her post for yourselves.

Understand compassion. It begins with compassion TOWARDS YOU and then naturally extends outward. - Bindu Wiles

OF COURSE IT DOES! DOH!

Back to my old lessons.

Pink Trumpet Daffodil - April 2011
 

"Let the flower of compassion blossom in the rich soil of maitri, and water it with the good water of equanimity in the cool, refreshing shade of joy."

- longchenpa

(The Four Limitless Qualities via Pema Chodron)

Pema Chodron likens our work to the tending of a garden. Thinking a little more about how I do this tending work, I found a video on TEDtalks, where Robert Thurman speaks about expanding the circle of compassion. It's an amazing talk and really worth a listen. I then quickly moved on to watch another two brilliant people giving talks on other aspects of compassion. It's addictive! Be thankful I am not going to link to them now or write much more today! ;)

Anyway, back to how we might tend our garden.

Robert Thurman starts his talk by quoting Einstein:  

"A human being is a part of a whole, called by us 'universe', a part limited in time and space. He experiences himself, his thoughts and feelings as something separated from the rest... a kind of optical delusion of his consciousness. This delusion is a kind of prison for us, restricting us to our personal desires and to affection for a few persons nearest to us. Our task must be to free ourselves from this prison by widening our circle of compassion to embrace all living creatures and the whole of nature in its beauty."   ~Albert Einstein

He ends his talk with his own words:

" So. practice compassion, read the charter, disemminate it and develop it within yourself. Don't just think, oh well, I'm compassionate, or I'm not compassionate, and sort of think you're stuck there. You can develop this. You can diminish the non-compassion, the cruelty, the callousness, the neglect of others." - Robert Thurman

What I want to remind myself from all of this initial reading and reflecting, is that for some people the work is about expanding the circle, for others the work is in those very first few circles, or in this one here or that one there. It isn't simply about expanding the circle, but at looking at where you find it easy to feel compassion and where it is more difficult for you as an individual. Sometimes for example it feels easier to feel compassion for those far away than for people close to you. Sometimes it can feel that some beings are more deserving of our compassion than are others. The work involves "attending to our own demons" and practicing the four limitless qualities.

As Pema Chodron states: 

" The aspiration practices of the four qualities are training in not holding back, training in seeing our biases and not feeding them. Gradually, we will get the hang of going beyond our fear of feeling pain."- Pema Chodron 

I found myself doing the compassionate aspirations practice, as recommended by Pema below, in the bank last week. It was a real eye-opener on some of my own biases, on my sometimes judgemental and often fearful view of the world. I found I really started to see the ordinary people around me. It was as though all of a sudden all of their colours were richer and more vibrant. It was a very helpful practice and one which I will be repeating: 

" I find it particularly helpful to take the compassionate aspirations into the marketplace. I like to do these practices right in the midst of this paradoxical unpredictable world. In this way I work with my intention but I also begin to act. In traditional terms this is cultivating both the aspiration and the action levels of bodhichitta. Sometimes this is the only way to make this practice feel relevant to the suffering we continually witness. Standing in the checkout line, I might notice the defiant teenager in front of me and make the aspiration, "May he be free of suffering and its causes." In the elevator with a stranger, I might notice her shoes, her hands, the expression on her face, I contemplate the fact that just like me she doesn't want stress in her life. Just like me she has worries. Through our hopes and fears, our pleasures and pains, we are deeply interconnected. I do this sort of thing in all kinds of situations - at the breakfast table, in the meditation hall, at the dentists office. When I practice the aspirations on the spot I no longer feel so separated from others." - Pema Chodron

#mindful52 Week 6: Practice

This post about "Practice" has been sitting here waiting for me to hit the "publish" button for about two weeks now. 

There is so much else to write about but this rambling, and possibly incoherent post will have to do instead.

This quote arrived in my inbox this morning: 

“Imperfect action is better than perfect inaction.”

~ Harry Truman

It fits with my ponderings about Practice so maybe I'll hit that button today.

Was I practicing or experimenting last weekend, when taking these photographs with my new camera?

In week 6 of  #mindful52  , Heather prompted us to think about Practice:

Have you ever given practice that much thought? Our Year of Mindfulness is just that. The mundane-ness of practice, day in and day out, reminding ourselves over and over to stay with and sit in WHAT IS.

If we look at practice as something we have to do, we miss the point. While practice helps us get better at whatever we are practicing, it also makes up the majority of our days. In many instances, we practice to get ready for an event of some sort – a minute, hour, day in our life for which we are preparing.

We practice the instrument to make lovely melodies in the concert.

We practice running to finish – or win – the race.

We practice softball to beat the other team.

Which is more important . . . the practice, or the event?

Look back on your past to recall the concerts, races and games in which you participated. How many can you recall? Now think about practicing for those events. Any moments, lessons, thoughts come to mind?

Why is it that I feel more comfortable with experimentation than I do with practice? After giving the question some thought and doing a little bit of reading, I came to the conclusion that although there is something of both in each, as children "Practice" can often have negative connotations. "Practice makes perfect" implies that we are aiming for perfection. It implies that we are not yet good enough. On the other hand it also tells us that we can achieve something more if we put the effort in. What a child needs is that encouragement to keep at it, whilst still celebrating where they are right now. What a balancing act it all is.

Of course I have practiced for many things, over the years. Teaching Practice. Training to get my body ready so I could conquer the challenge of the wall. Piano Practice, which I gave up after the initial excitement of learning something new. Rehearsing for a play. Learning to drive. At fifteen, I spent much of my time reading a tennis coaching book, and hitting a ball against a brick wall in our side yard. I practiced changing my hand grip for forehand and backhand strokes.

It appears that for me at first, practice, like experimentation, can be filled with excitement and appeal. It feels spontaneous, fun. Or there maybe is an end goal in mind - this might simply be a half formed dream or a far away hope. It may be driven by external or internal forces.

A second question occurs to me, about myself and my relationship to practice; do I have the staying power to keep at it day after day? What keeps us/me going? With the walking training that's easy, I had a goal. I knew that I would find the trek itself a challenge physically and I wanted to be as fit as possible so I would be able to enjoy the experience. Each time I set off on another walk to prepare myself, I enjoyed the practice as much as the trek itself. Somedays it was hard to keep going and getting myself out there wasn't always easy, I was tired after work, or it was raining and a four or five hour walk in the rain just didn't appeal! I continued though. It was a commitment I had made to myself and to others.

Practice, often has such a serious side for me, one that I've often resisted. There are too many rules. It's all too disciplined. It is associated with "shoulds". Experimentation feels more creative, free and exciting. More like Play. On reflection however, practice does have elements of experimentation and discovery, it is also about the repetition and mastery of the basic and essential skills. When it all becomes too serious or needs me to make more of a commitment to myself then that's when I can often run scared. There is a saying isn't there about Play being the work of childhood.

I've never looked on my everyday life as Practice before. However I have often said that I unconsciously or consciously put myself in what are for me, challenging situations in everyday life, in order for me to learn or to get better at something. What I've identified earlier in the life of this blog, is that I in doing this I have not been compassionate with myself in this and I have hurt myself in the process. It appears I either push myself too hard or not hard enough. I need to bring more of a playful approach to everything in my life. It's all been so serious! My boundaries have been very blurred. Lately everyday I'm practicing defining them and I'm practicing being compassionate to myself. 

The truth is that we are all different. One child will loathe handwriting practice and see it as a chore, another will love it and work at it even when they don't "have to". Some children go willingly to sports practice while others (like me as a teenager sadly) will do anything to avoid this. Having a compassionate teacher/role model who helps with motivation levels and boundaries is often crucial to how a child feels about practicing something that is hard for them. Children learn best when they are enjoying themselves and when the emotional connection with the learning, however hard the learning might be, is safe for them. It's all about freeing ourselves up, banishing that "fear of failure" and recognising that the ups and the downs are common to us all.

Along with our particular feelings about whatever it is we are practicing, is the view that some things we need to practice, others perhaps are "natural talents" or "natural abilities". We all have our strengths and preferences. Can we really squeeze a round peg into a square hole by practice? So many children are discouraged by adults who hold this view. As adults we can continue to discourage ourselves by comparing ourselves for other more "talented" bloggers, writers or work colleagues. Julia talks about this view in relation to writing practice on her wonderful blog  Painted Path. I also found this quote about writers:

"Once you master riding, what you have learned will stay with you for the rest of your life. You may abandon the bicycle for an automobile, then ten years later take it up for exercise and find that in moments, you are rolling ahead, fully coordinated, your brain responding to what you learned in your practice sessions long ago. It is the same with writing. Except that writers provide themselves with a monumental obstacle to achieving skill. Ballet dancers practice technique. Pianists wear down their black and white keys with hours of daily practice. Actors rehearse, practice obtaining the best perspectives, experiment with color and texture, do sketches in preparations for oil. By practice one learns to use what one has understood. Only writers, it sees, expect to achieve some level of mastery without practice. "Sol Stein.

It seems to me that all this "Practice" is a little like life itself. Every day of life is about pushing our boundaries, learning, developing, growing, expanding and blossoming. Sometimes we do this with joy and sometimes it feels less joyous. It is a choice. Letting go of the comparisons with others, the seriousness of it all. Making a joyous commitment to ourselves to explore and experiment with all of the fabulous possibilities.

Practice doesn't make perfect. Practice makes alive, it makes us human in all our joyful imperfections, failures and successes, shadow and light.