Sunday, Sunday....transformation and inspiration......onwards!

In dire need of inspiration I spent yesterday seeing where the day would take me, and ended up with a very uninspired post full of youtube videos. Hopefully you enjoyed the music too.

It's really difficult for me to blog about very personal issues in much detail, but I have, along with lots of others, been finding inspiration and the beginnings of some clarity(again) at Right Brain Planner since New Year. In February the focus has been on "Transformation" and I particularly found these quotes from Teresa helpful during this weekend:

"And be willing to allow onward to look like rest — rest is rebirth."

"Life is not a race. Onward is about your dailies: the mundane and all the many details of your life as a Divine work-in-progress. Onward is showing up: every single day. Doing what you can and what you must until you can do more of what you choose — every day, for as long as it takes."

- Teresa Robinson aka Stargardener

 Last weekend I spent some time unpicking the word "transform" and the expecations that this word is loaded with(for me) were sent packing. There will be no sudden or magical transformation and there is no need for me to transform myself into someone else....it's more about a "graceful surrender to the facts of existence". my word for 2016 I had decided would be "restore" or "reclaim" or "return" - any of the "re" words actually/ Oh how I need this encouragement from Teresa's blog and the tools she shares, and I love her word "rewilding" - it all seems to fit so perfectly. Oh and how I need my weekends I have the space to think and to clear my head - during the week the clarity I feel I am gaining, seems to be swamped and disapears under the weight of all the information and processes I am dealing with.

Two other sources of inspiration that I did not mention yesterday, I found early on in my morning's t'internet explorations and have journaled privately about how they are affecting my thinking right now. I have been mulling them over further today, and trying to find some inspiration and direction.

 One was "Five steps to making a smart decision" found at Rebelle Society. This was a great read to start the weekend with and I'll admit that point 5...commit....is really hard for me. I'll also admit that I'm kind of still "waiting at the crossroads" but following my read have managed to set a time limit on this. I love number 4...."In the end the universe will decide". Yesterday I felt that reading this article had given me a little more peace around a decision that is troubling me right now. Today I am not so sure that I can wait at the crossroads any longer.

The second place I found some inspiration was at Daisyyellowart.com where Tammy is providing prompts for art journalers under the #muse30 project. So I thought I would dive right in with prompt 3 which was "Tuxedo".

As I've not done much free drawing, art journalling or painting for some time I decided that I would draw from a photograph and that my page ended up being about the constraints of wearing a Tuxedo and about how difficult it is for an indifidual to free themselves from expectations(societal, cultural, family).

I found this magazine article and wanted to explore a little bit about why fashion changed as it did and some of the women who were icons of the time:

"From the super-glam flapper girls to the first waves of cool androgyny, 1920s fashion was all about liberation, trying new things and having a whole lot of fun in the process.

After World War One, women's style loosened up (literally) as the corsets came off, skirts got shorter (shin flashing, imagine!) and thanks to a certain Coco Chanel, trousers for women were in for the first time."

Freedom and equality (for women) was therefore, at that time, associated with having more of what men had. Fashion tends and societal change are such facinating areas to study. I've always been interested in women's studies and women's history, and got a first in a Women's Studies module as part of my BA, so completing this prompt sparked my interest off again.

My plan for Sunday was to rest for a while but then to complete some work in order to get ahead or rather to catch up ready for the week ahead. I've not done that as yet and it's unlikely now that I will. Maybe a good thing....after all Sunday is supposed to be a day of rest.

It's hard not to feel disgruntled with myself however for not working on my day off! Something wrong there I think. I am trying to think about "graceful surrender to the facts of existence" and about "making a commitment" once a decision has been made. I suppose an hour or two of work later will releave some of the discomfort I'm feeling.

I'm off for a walk now as my body needs a bit of a move, and it's Sunday after all.....

Singalonga Saturday - not done this for a long time.

Thankful for my Saturday today as it feels a little like Saturdays of old....when my brain was still able to process on a weekend and I spent the morning with tea on the old PC browsing and seeing where my reading and surfing would take me.

I've only been back at work five days and have been in bed by 8 or 9pm on two of those days, so have had plenty of sleep. I've been worried about my physical stamina as this cold is lingering in my sinuses and chest now and I've felt under the weather all week. Being back at work has been hard too and I've been expecting a rough ride and worrying that I just haven't the physical strength to work at the pace demanded in my job. The week was not as hard as I expected physically but emotionally it has been a tough week.

So I was glad when I listened to this earlier.....

and it helped to release some of the emotion in the form of tears. Loving these lyrics:

"Let me photograph you in this light, in case this is the last time that we might be exactly like we were before we realised we were sad of getting old, it made us restless....it was just like a movie, it was just like a song."

At the same time it made me laugh.....as I had listened to Bill Bailey on the radio talking about his show Limboland and how in part of it, he does a song "Adele style" and it goes something like....."I broke up with you but I won't go on about it." It makes me chuckle now every time I hear Adele, whilst also loving her lyrics and voice. Mr Stayingawake doesn't like the misery of Adele and to be fair she does go on a bit.

I was a bit confused about how Adele was feeling "sad of getting old" as she is only twenty-seven. I suppose her brilliance is that, like a great author, she is able to put herself in the shoes of someone else and write about experiences she may not necessarily have experienced herself.

Anyway this then led me onto more of Bill Bailey.....

and then I had to listen to this.....the performance of this that is my favourite was not able to be uploaded onto the blog from you tube.

I haven't watched the film made about Amy Winehouse, and have read reviews which describe it as exploitative of her. I had thought that the film would help with the work of the foundation that was set up in her name. However her father has been unhappy with the film, it is reported. I will watch and think about all of the talented young people caught up in situations and finding it hard to be part of this world.

Mr Stayingawake and I first saw Amy Winehouse on a New Year's Eve, singing on the Jools Holland show:

Ending my day listening to Sinead O'Connor - I might have posted this before...

It's been a relaxing day of listening to amazing female singers, walking by the sea and enjoying some down time. Truly astounded by this life, it's joys and sadness, the complexity and diversity of human lives.

Home again, home again.....

We've been away for a few days visiting family and having some well deserved time out from working.

We arrived back yesterday, bringing really nasty head colds home with us.

I've been feeling a bit flat since we arrived back, what with having a bad cold, and being very tired from the overnight journey....and of course missing our little Grandaughter....lots.

After nearly 24 hours of sleeping and doing very little since we got back, I am now just about finding some energy for posting some photos from our trip.

View from the bedroom window of our Guest House - February 18th 2016

Little road down to the shore - February 18th 2016

Without the zoom! - February 18th 2016

The River Lagan, Belfast - View from a window in one of the buildings in the Titanic Quarter 17.2.2016

The Titanic Quarter is reclaimed land on Queen's Island, part of Belfast Harbour, where there used to be ship yards.

The Titanic Quarter is an area of 185 acres on the site where RMS Titanic was designed and built.

I think this is Cave Hill - covered in snow on the day we visited.

"Kit" - by Tony Stallard

We had a lovely few days break, and enjoyed spending time with family and taking them out to visit different places, and seeing them in their "new" home and with their Irish family.

On the day we visited the Titanic Quarter we took the little one into a play/learning centre and played solidly for three hours. It was a fabulous place and lovely to see what she was drawn to....namely the train set, water, blocks, toy animals, jigsaws and toy kitchen.

Mostly however she just loved having the freedom to run around.

On other days we took her swimming, to a bird and wetland centre and just walking about in her new shoes. The sun shone for us most days and the temperatures were mild for February, despite the snow on the hills.

Enjoying a walk together  - 15th February 2016

"Your children are not your children. They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself. They came through you but not from you and though they are with you yet they belong not to you."

- Khalil Gibran

Overdue post from Saturday (when work was consuming me).

"Activism is my rent for living on the planet."

- Alice Walker

I woke up to the news on Saturday and film of 20,000 more people fleeing Syria and arriving on the Turkish border.

I've been so busy working, that my post from early in the year about activism, and about how I never really had the courage to get out there and put my money where my mouth is; has soon been forgotten, as I once again make my choices; choosing to survive and keep myself and my loved ones afloat(in the safety of the life we have become accustomed to).... instead of choosing to make the break and live a different life. Maybe the one I think I could have been living all these years.

It's very hard to make the choice to break away from the conventional life. Life is short and I suppose there are few people who can really live the life of an activist, and look after their families at the same time. Some manage it and manage to have both like Swampy from my earlier post, some like Alice Walker, maybe give up one for the other. Most of us are just trying to survive in the reality that we are born into, and doing what we can.

On Saturday I and millions of others, awoke to more shocking news about Syrian refugees and the "refugee crisis". Not for the first time I was floored by the sheer scale of this current movement of people, and the horror both of what they are fleeing, and the life they face as refugees. I recall other situations of war where people have fled and are still suffering the effects years later, but I don't recall such a massive movement of people before. Everyone seems to have a view about what should and should not happen and whether or not our more privilaged countries should help by allowing more people in.

 I was trying to grasp the enormity and loss people are facing as I sat in my comfortable chair, unable to really contemplate my own life comforts ever being taken away. I really struggled to comprehend the peace and security I have, these moments of drinking tea and browsing the internet, being warm and safe in my house, and how it would feel to have all this taken away. 

All I could do in the end, was to make some comments on social media designed to raise awareness, to read and raise my own awareness, (this article correcting my erronenous view that the scale of the current refugee crisis is unpresedented); and look for ways to help.

 

It didn't seem enough, and I continued to reflect on protest movements of the past , my lack of action; and on trying to find a way to try to align the way I life my life to fit more with my values and beliefs. It is tempting to think I could just walk out of my life and start another; but I have to be honest about my skills and what I have to offer. Other people with the right skills, are best out there helping on the ground, and people like me best placed to help with donations and raising awareness.

It does sometimes feel that I am not living my values.......picking and choosing....my life a compromise......

Today I found this post by Patti Digh, all about coming to terms with the reality of your life, about the gap between intention and action and accepting this, not beating yourself up or feeling ashamed. Getting to know the reality and the mess of your life as it is, being kind and smiling at the gap between your ideal and and the real. That's where I am now. Taking stock, appreciating the mess, and taking the "demons of not enough....out to dinner." But also seeing where the reality needs to change... where I am surviving again and not thriving.

So I am also thinking about "the luxury of sitting still and stepping back" in order to make sense of where I have arrived in my life, and my current reality. Working to excess and having no time for other important parts of my life, including my values and beliefs; cannot continue much longer.

But for now I need to make some time in my busy days for sitting still.