I've had a weekend away on a retreat, but working as part of the team that runs it. In exchange for my labour I got to enjoy the workshops, meet likeminded people and camp in the beautiful woodland. It was a lovely weekend and I have begun to put pieces together and to feel my way into the next stage on my life journey.
I am bursting with good, healing energy and gratitude right now.
" The path is not somewhere in the sky, it is in the heart."
- The Buddha
Evening sky - 19.3.18
Seeing the beauty of the sky, and of nature, it is hard to believe that the path is not in the sky. After a hard day at work I stopped to take these photographs of the evening sky on the way home. This seems to be becoming a weekly event doesn't it? Seeing this beauty helps me get in touch with my heart, and lifts me up away from the human world that can often be so ugly.
It was Monday night and the start of the week. Since Monday the week has become busier and busier at work, so not much opportunity to wander or to just look up at the sky since then. Maybe the sky just hasn't looked so spectacular on the other evenings, or I just hadn't been driving home at just the right time to catch this glorious sight. I really need these moments to make a space in my mind, and to help me breathe deeply.
Pink and Orange - 19.3.18
I try to remember to look up at the sky during the day and it is easier when the sky is blue. It reminds me of the beauty of life and fills me up when my energy is depleted. Taking a breath between visits to people in crisis, angry or in emotional pain is something I need to practise more. My heart needs it. The way of the heart that the Buddha speaks about is not just about "love", but about "heartbreak", about compassion and human suffering.Taking a breath helps me feel the emotions and consider the stories I am told. Sometimes, like yesterday, witnessing the sheer pain that someone is experiencing, reminds me that I am human and not a robot who is "part of a system".
It is a privilege for me, to be allowed into the homes and the lives of others, and to be able to hear their stories and try to help. But I am more often than not, the enemy to them as they try to continue meeting their own needs, because what I have to say can often challenge this. I find it hard but am becoming tougher. I was brought up to be too polite I think.
To show compassion and respect, balancing boundaries, dealing with conflicts, while often being verbally abused and disliked - it is draining. Also seeing other human beings at their lowest, in crisis and distress. A lot of the time I don't allow myself to feel the emotions fully, it would be too overwhelming. So when I do, like yesterday, I want to break out of my role and just help(rescue); or I feel helpless. It can be hard to stay focused on what my role requires of me sometimes and I get discouraged and feel that I cannot do this job well enough.
It's true that I am tired, I have had my own issues going on for so long, and am only just coming through the other side. I look around me at the people I meet everyday, and wonder how on earth they are still alive with all they have had to face in their lives. Some are only young children themselves, or "broken" adults now trying to be parents themselves.
The vastness and spaciousness of the sky helps to remind me about the way of the heart, to feel the connection to other human beings and to make sense at some level of all the suffering, ugliness and pain. It helps me to stay hopeful and compassionate. My heart is broken and my heart is open.
The good life is a process, not a state of being. It is a direction not a destination.
Carl Rogers
Read more at: https://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/carl_rogers_158737?src=t_destination
Gentle January Day 23 - I surrender.
The good life is a process, not a state of being. It is a direction not a destination.
Carl Rogers
Read more at: https://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/carl_rogers_158737?src=t_destination
Following on from my post last week, where I began with a quote from Caroline Myss on the prospect of looking back on life with regret; this week has been one of ever moving closer to making peace with myself.
It's time. Well overdue in fact.
Time to stop fretting and struggling.
"So you should view this fleeting world -
A star at dawn,
a bubble in a stream,
A flash of lightening in a summer cloud,
A flickering lamp, a phantom, and a dream."
- Diamond Sutra
I notice that somewhere in the past twelve months, this change has been slowly transforming me. It has enabled me to entertain the idea that I could come back to blogging.
I notice that I am more in the moment in my everyday life, at work especially; that I resist less; that I care less about other's opinions of me; that I try to live more of myself; that I feel less lost; that I feel closer to hearing and speaking my own voice.
It sounds like I have arrived at my destination doesn't it?
Gentle January Day 27 - I changed.
Let me just say that I'm not there yet ....at my destination. Or am I? Isn't it all about the journey not the destination? This change and my progress, is always fragile; and I'm afraid, yes......but I feel more at peace and I'm ready to feel more joy and gratitude than I have allowed myelf to feel up to now.
"It seems to me that the good life is not any fixed state. It is not,
in my estimation, a state of virtue, or contentment, or nirvana, or
happiness. It is not a condition in which the individual is adjusted,
fulfilled, or actualized….The good life is a process, not a state of
being…It is a direction, not a destination. The direction…is that which
is selected by the total organism, when there is psychological freedom
to move in any direction."
- Carl Rogers.
I've been (at a subconscious level), working on reframing the story of my childhood. That sense of loss following the death of my Mother, the grief that stayed with me despite my protests to the contrary, had been overwhelming.
The impact also of losing my whole family, school, home, friends, and my Father for a period following my Mother's death, and having to change my behaviour to fit with a new family; reallly left me feeling uncertain, confused and "wrong" in so many ways.
It has taken me all these years to find myself again, in the process understanding and grieving for those losses, and for that small girl trying to be brave and trying to fight. She wasn't angry enough and depression swamped her most of the time. She tried to please people and to be accepted.
1973 Aged 9 or 10
When I really looked at the timeline of my life in childhood, there was already so much damage there before the age of seven when I lost my Mother. This also needed processing.
Then after that, when living with my new family, I experienced an alcoholic carer, adult arguments and then the divorce of my foster parents. People tried to make me fit in their world. I became misshapen but I did not know this. I lost some of my pieces. Some of me was squashed. I was also introduced to a new way of living. My old way felt wrong and I turned my back on it.
By the age of eighteen I set out into the world feeling as if I could conquer anything and feeling very wise.
Sadly I did not know what it felt like to be whole and quickly adult life became overwhelming. I made some bad choices. Then the descent into depression and isolation through shame and self-blame.
Since I started this blog, I have been recovering from those bad choices, and working on self-forgiveness and acceptance. Gratitude was one of my first steps.
For a long time I could only see the shadow that I cast and how it blocked out all of the light.
Gentle January Day 21 - I could.....
It has been a long road and hard work, every day I struggle with the consequences of living in a prison that I made for myself and others. I could only see the lack, the "not-enoughness" that I was. I felt I had nothing to bring to the table. Whatever did well it was never good enough for me. My mistakes and bad choices could never be forgiven. I was afraid of death and at the same time felt I would live forever.
I know that spiralling is part of the journey and that we all need to revisit our blocks and chains and patterns many times in a lifetime if we're lucky enough, and in a place of privelage that allows us to do so.
Now I am ready to take my story out and examine it again for the joy, the happiness and the beauty. To be able to recognise my gifts, and to "look for the light" in myself, and the gifts; also to truly appeciate these in others and in life itself. This is the next stage on my journey. My life has been wonderful but I have chosen not to see the wonder at times.
Gentle January - Day 21 - I smiled.
I'm truly grateful to be alive right now.
I heard this song for the first time on The Voice when one of the contestants sung it, I love his version and his voice. There is so much beauty and light in the world.
Hello to anyone still popping by. How is your 2018 so far? I hope that you are safe and well, and that life is being kind to you.
All around the world in the news things don't seem so kind do they? Keeping hold of, seeing and sharing.... beauty, dreams, hope and grace are difficult somedays. That is why I'm here posting today and why everyday I'm trying to take steps into living a more peaceful life that is driven by love and not by fear.
“Do you really want to look back on your life and see how
wonderful it could have been had you not been afraid to live it?”
―
Caroline Myss
Gentle January Day One - "I am...looking back at how far I have come."
My
teachers and role models are all around each and every day. They are
other ordinary humans dealing with the joys and sorrows of life. They
are bloggers, writers, artists, activists, nurses, prisoners,
children....ordinary humans with extraordinary, diverse and precious
lives, makers of mistakes, people beginning again, people keeping on
going...and me too....I learn from me and I am starting to trust me. It used to be that I saw myself as all shadow and my story only one of loss. Everyday I take another step into the light of me and appreciation of the fullness of my life.
"Grace is a power that comes in and tranforms a moment into something better."
- Caroline Myss
Gentle January Day Two - Home...."this day will never come again."
Thanks to some bloggers who have been sharing their story and their self-care work that helps them keep making small steps forward, I have been led to the work of Caroline Myss. I'm also taking part in Susannah Conway's Gentle January. I've stumbled upon these poems too, one by Zirconium and one by Tara Sophia Mohr. Really two astounding poems! There are so many amazing bloggers out there, so wise and beautiful.
I am deep in Winter. In the middle of a grieving process, but ready for healing and transforming. Always spiralling. Accepting that change cues feelings of loss. There will always be change, that is life and this realisation is beautful and terrible all at the same time. Almost too much to bear when we first comprehend this reality. I was talking this week with three little girls who have experienced so much loss in their lives already, and who are coming to terms with living with the feeling that at any time they could experience further losses, feeling powerless and confused and very, very angry. Sometimes my own history and the current systems we(I) work exacerbate my own feelings of powerlessness. In my day job I need to try to trancend both of these and I do not always succeed in doing so. I am becoming more courageous and believe that each small interaction now matters more than ever in bringing hope and comfort to myself and others.
Week two of January was asking me not to give up hope and to not give up on my precious dreams. I did a two card reading last weekend and both cards referred to dreams...."wake up and don't struggle...look to the intangible....remember your passions and aspirations." I also picked up a token from Right Brain Planner that said....
"I permit myself to wander in the direction of my dreams."
Gentle January Day 17 - I enjoy....wandering, wondering.
To sustain me through what feels like a very frightening world sometimes, I have come to the conclusion that choosing to surround myself with love and beauty, to see beauty in people and things that society often sees as "other" as "ugly" is the only way to thrive. To create. To be a quiet activist. To keep striving to make whatever quiet contribution my own unique and particular human being can make in my everyday. I am so grateful for my life. I am flawed and imperfect. I am enough as I am, finally seeing myself with more compassionate eyes.
Gentle January Day 13 - I want...days like these.
Gentle January Day 16 - Trees.
Gentle January Day 6 - Water.
Gentle January Day Ten - Cold. Appreciating help from Mr Stayingawake.
Gentle January Day eleven - I miss... London town. Freedom. That is me on the right.
Gentle January Day 19 - I wish....for a more compassionate bunch of world leaders.
Gentle January Day Five - I believe.....in love.
I really love my life, being alive and there is so much beauty....so much to do,
I'm still reflecting and making plans. Everything is catching my eye, there is so much to do and the question of "how to do it all" is the reason why I've still not completed this!
I really need to make some changes around here, and I have today continued to take more steps to leave the despair and sadness brought by 2016 behind. It was a pretty rough year for so many individuals and for the world. It left many of us feeling battered and bruised on many levels; and once again feeling pretty much helpless to make any change or impact. It's been hard to see the beauty sometimes, but there is so much and it needs to be shared and celebrated.
"Think of all the beauty still left around you and be happy."
- Anne Frank.
Moon and Venus - Night Beach Walk 2nd January 2017
Picking ourselves up now and brushing ourselves off, we are inspired by those who have gone before us and who fought those demons close up. I'm at a distance away from many of those demons, and also privileged to be born where and when I was, in the world and in time. I have a lot of freedoms that I take for granted.
It's Martin Luther King Day.
Happy Birthday Martin Luther King - born 15th January 1929.
"You know it doesn't make much sense
There ought to be a law against
Anyone who takes offense
At a day in your celebration
Cause we all know in our minds
That there ought to be a time
That we can set aside
To show just how much we love you
And I'm sure you would agree
It couldn't fit more perfectly
Than to have a world party on the day you came to be
Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday
Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday
I just never understood
How a man who died for good
Could not have a day that would
Be set aside for his recognition
Because it should never be
Just because some cannot see
The dream as clear as he
that they should make it become an illusion
And we all know everything
That he stood for time will bring
For in peace our hearts will sing
Thanks to Martin Luther King
Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday
Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday
Why has there never been a holiday
Where peace is celebrated
all throughout the world
The time is overdue
For people like me and you
Who know the way to truth
Is love and unity to all God's children
It should be a great event
And the whole day should be spent
In full remembrance
Of those who lived and died for the oneness of all people
So let us all begin
We know that love can win
Let it out don't hold it in
Sing it loud as you can
Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday
Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday
Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday
Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday
Happy birthday
Happy birthday
Happy birthday
Ooh yeah
Happy birthday...
We know the key to unify all people
Is in the dream that you had so long ago
That lives in all of the hearts of people
That believe in unity
We'll make the dream become a reality
I know we will
Because our hearts tell us so."
"The world's
favorite season is the spring.
All things seem possible in May."
- Edwin Way Teale
I took this photo at the start of May intending to post it then, and here we are almost at the end already. Our neighbour "the tree" is looking fine, full of leaves and seeds. In fact we've been talking about it needing some cutting back, as it's branches are almost touching our bedroom window.
How are things in blogland? I've been popping in and out without much inspiration for a post here. I've had a bit more time but not for blogging it seems. However here I am sending you some blog love and giving this dusty old blog a blast of spring air.
Not much to report here, and too much to report! I'm feeling full of the joys of spring, after some challenges of different kinds. It may be that I have actually arrived at my destination - or actually at a pause on the journey; one that might even feel ok for a change.
"The should road, the could road, the someday road, should only ever be taken in moderation, and on your way to the MUST road."
I've been busy again this week, so after giving some thought to each day's prompts, I opted to use some old photos that represented each day in some way.
I am noticing that I always find this time of year exhausting. The few weeks after the clocks go back and up to Christmas seem to really take it out of me. I have been sliding back into bad habits and not looking after myself which is always a danger. Work is totally swamping me and I need a week or two to rest up a while. Not to worry, it will come and I am taking steps to make sure I stay healthy.
Like many of us, I have been thinking this week about the people in The Phillippines. I am sure we all felt overwhelmed when This young woman was shown on the T.V news asking "We are so very hungry and thirsty....that's why we are here.... so if you have water or food there maybe you can give us." Giving money is all we can do.
Pausing to wonder at the glorious blue sky and at human creativity in my lunch break. - 4th November
I'm thinking of having a new car. Another long journey to make today so hope I am back before dark. - 5th November
I need to drink more water and have more early nights. Feeling pretty meh today. - 6th November
Saw this today when I was out and about and needed to visit the smallest room. Decided that we need some clarity around here about house rules for our family lodgers. Enough is enough. - 7th November
Work took me to a town where I used to live. Autumn colours were really striking there. I couldn't take the photographs I wanted as I was too busy to stop. So this leaf and the wet grass will serve as a reminder. - 8th November
My first 40 days. #100 days - 9th November
Making space for a walk in the dark. There may be lights but it's dark out here. - 10th November
11th October - Parklife.
"TO
YOU FROM FAILING HANDS WE THROW THE TORCH, BE YOURS TO HOLD IT HIGH.
MAN MUST STILL STRIVE, PRINCIPLES DO NOT APPLY THEMSELVES."
12th October - Heart Hotels.
13th October - Countdown to Christmas
“Life will give you
whatever experience is most helpful for the evolution of your
consciousness. How do you know this is the experience you need? Because
this is the experience you are having at the moment.”~ Eckhart Tolle
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