Wednesday, 30 March 2011

Play day

 Be glad of life because it gives you the chance to love and to work and to play and to look up at the stars. 
Henry Van Dyke

For weeks now I've been wanting to get out the paints I bought, and the scraps and the coloured pencils that have been lying around.

I've been putting it off really until I had a day when the house was empty and quiet. That day was yesterday.

My first ever art journal page.

Day 210: 29/3/11

There was a beautiful moment, when I became aware of myself standing up whilst furiously painting. I was bending over the table, completely engrossed in what I was doing. It was quite a shock to realise just how much I was enjoying the process, seeing the different effects and experimenting with all of the materials. I also managed to use the leaves I had picked up weeks ago while walking on the beach.


I am finding much inspiration from Theresa Huse at her blog  "Msartists Mixed Media Playground" . In fact I used an old dictionary to choose words to work with, as she suggested on her journal prompt this week.


The word "heal" was the one I started with, although this was somewhere buried at the back of my mind for most of the time.


I have discovered a real gem again. 

Although this is the finished page, I have loved every second, every stage of this activity. Hence the photographs, I just loved the way the materials changed and how they looked at each stage. 

Although I say this is "finished" - I could have happily continued on, and on, and on......

Friday, 25 March 2011

64 ways in 64 days

In my email inbox this morning:

Day  55: Responsibility
"Each of us has the right and the responsibility to assess the roads which lie ahead and those over which we have traveled, and if the future road looms ominous or unpromising, and the road back uninviting, then we need to gather our resolve and... step off that road into another direction." Maya Angelou


Thursday, 24 March 2011

Be watchful when the moon is full

Full Moon - looked for and found by me on 19th March 2011

Search the Darkness
Rumi 
Translated by  Kabir Helminski

Sit with your friends; don't go back to sleep.

Don't sink like a fish to the bottom of the sea.

Surge like an ocean,

don't scatter yourself like a storm.

Life's waters flow from darkness.

Search the darkness, don't run from it.

Night travelers are full of light,

and you are, too; don't leave this companionship.

Be a wakeful candle in a golden dish,

don't slip into the dirt like quicksilver.

The moon appears for night travelers,

be watchful when the moon is full.

 ---------------

I've been feeling very sorry for myself indeed just lately. When I went out to look at the full moon last weekend I wanted a flash of inspiration - something that would enable me to move forward. It was almost the eve of spring and I wanted to feel that sense of hope and wonder. Nothing! 

I am being my own worst enemy of late, preventing myself from living fully, just when I had been wakening again to life's wonder. There is still much going on in our lives, there having been a few years of major and minor happenings that I have been just swallowing down, and the effects started to show up in my health big time, just after I came home from China. Perhaps it started when I was there.

Due to my habitual method of dealing with emotional distress and exhaustion, I just carried on as normal, thinking that I could push through it as I always do. The difference was that this time, thanks to a really helpful counsellor, I was at a point where I just wasn't prepared to sacrifice parts of myself any longer. I could carry on in the same way but I was heading for a big fall healthwise and needed to stop.

The stopping has been harder than the carrying on. Hence my emotional and creative shut down. It's like a punishment for not measuring up. I don't stop, that's not what I do. I'm like a fish out of water. The danger is that whilst I am being so hard on myself, there is no room for growth and change to take place. The same patterns will be repeated.

It was only today when I found this conversation between Pema Chodron and Alice Walker that some light began to shine on where and why I am stuck. 

Pema Chödrön: There is a kind of unstuckness that starts to happen. You develop lovingkindness and compassion for this self that is stuck, which is called maitri. And since you have a sense of all the other sentient beings stuck just like you, it also awakens compassion.

Alice Walker: I remember the day I really got it that we’re not connected as human beings because of our perfection, but because of our flaws. That was such a relief.

Pema Chödrön: Rumi wrote a poem called "Night Travelers," It's about how all the darkness of human beings is a shared thing from the beginning of time, and how understanding that opens up your heart and opens up your world. You begin to think bigger. Rather than depressing you, it makes you feel part of the whole.

So I wrote a post and a bit of a poem here today, and with both am being as honest and as compassionate with myself as I can be. Although today I know that I can become unstuck again, I also know that there is a long way to go. As ever, I continue to revisit these lessons.

The moon sits above my house tonight.
  Her silent, solemn gaze,
Reflects the light back to us here on earth. 
I am here below, silent also.
Seeking answers from her.
Is there still hope? 
Are there still dreams worth dreaming?

No sudden answers come.
Just a secret, silent something,
Lodges in the crack in my stagnant heart.
Where a stinking pool of shame, before had gathered,
To shut it down.
 Something so tiny it could go unnoticed,
But if found could be immense.

Sunday, 20 March 2011

There is enough and there is never enough

It has been a time for reflection.

Red Nose Day arrived this year on the 18th March,  also the day that marked one week on from the earthquake and tsunami in North East Japan. A friend of mine commented that they felt the event should be posponed as people would be giving to organisations, like The Red Cross who are helping with the disaster relief effort. My friend was wrong, at the end of the night £74,360,207 had been raised, which the presenters announced was a record breaking amount.

Whilst watching some of the films made for this year's event, I learned about the Kibera slum area of Nairobi in Kenya. I will never forget one film showing Bernard aged 16, one of many ophaned children all over the world who is caring for his four younger siblings. At 12 Bernard had had to identify his father's body, his father had been killed in riots that occured following the 2007 elections in Nairobi. His mother died a few months later, she was aleady ill with HIV when her husband was killed. Since that time Bernard and his siblings had been living in one dark room next to a toilet used by 50 other families, the toilet sometimes overflowed and ran through their home. Bernard wanted to get an education but often had to miss school due to having to raise money for food to provide a meal a day for his family. The grief this young man was suffering from was very evident in the film, and so was his commitment to his family and his courage. The celebrity taking part in the film and placed with this family, decided to take action straight away to change things for this one boy and his siblings.

I couldn't post the film here but I found another film about the children of Kibera, made by the "send my friend to school" campaign which raises awareness in UK schools and is the UK part of a worldwide movement, the Global Campaign for Education. The campaign lobbies the UK government to deliver on its promise to realise education for all by 2015.



 Since 18th March, and as is the case every year that Red Nose Day uses television reports to inform us and to touch our consciences, there are critics who question the motives of the celebrities involved or who tell us that our giving should maybe be a little quieter and more continuous. I'm not going to address these issues here, though there are questions here that I also feel uncomfortable about. What is clear to me is that Red Nose Day, and other such events that were the result of Live Aid, started the very important work of raising awareness of how change could be made, instead of sitting and watching and feeling helpless(as many were doing in the mid-eighties). This article discusses a recent report: The new state of donation: Three decades of household giving to charity, 1978 - 2008, and captures both the concerns and the positives, about high profile events like Red Nose Day very well indeed. It also gives some figures about how the number of households giving to charity has fallen since 1978 and points out how Red Nose Day and Sport Relief are raising awareness amongst a younger generation who are less likely to members of community groups linked to churches, for example.

Whilst I feel that there is more than enough to go round, and that those of us that regularly try to reflect on what and how we do give (and what more we can give), I also feel that there is never enough and that those of us who can, also need to be involved in creating change within our systems. The 2011 "Send My Sister To School" campaign and The Girl Effect  are just two ways that our giving and our actions can become more mindful. They also show us, as does Comic Relief, how joining together with others, adding our voice to many, and giving with joy, creates change for all of us around the world.

Folllowing the distaster in Japan there were those who responded by telling us not to give to such a wealthy country. Some excellent advice is given by Good Intentions Are Not Enough regarding this question and how to ensure that if you want to give to Japan, which many of us did when we saw the horror unfolding on March 11th, that you do so in ways which help not hinder.

 It can all get so complicated can't it? As I have said earlier there is more than enough, and however we choose to do it, however small our voices, let's just keep on giving. Wherever there is suffering, how can we not? Our money, our time, our attention, our skills, our love.

Saturday, 5 March 2011

Still missing you - 40 years on

On Receipt Of My Mother's Picture  
Oh that those lips had language! Life has pass'd
With me but roughly since I heard thee last.
Those lips are thine--thy own sweet smiles I see,
The same that oft in childhood solaced me;
Voice only fails, else, how distinct they say,
"Grieve not, my child, chase all thy fears away!"
The meek intelligence of those dear eyes
(Blest be the art that can immortalize,
The art that baffles time's tyrannic claim
To quench it) here shines on me still the same.

Faithful remembrancer of one so dear,
Oh welcome guest, though unexpected, here!
Who bidd'st me honour with an artless song,
Affectionate, a mother lost so long,
I will obey, not willingly alone,
But gladly, as the precept were her own;
And, while that face renews my filial grief,
Fancy shall weave a charm for my relief--
Shall steep me in Elysian reverie,
A momentary dream, that thou art she.

My mother! when I learn'd that thou wast dead,
Say, wast thou conscious of the tears I shed?
Hover'd thy spirit o'er thy sorrowing son,
Wretch even then, life's journey just begun?
Perhaps thou gav'st me, though unseen, a kiss;
Perhaps a tear, if souls can weep in bliss--
Ah that maternal smile! it answers--Yes.
I heard the bell toll'd on thy burial day,
I saw the hearse that bore thee slow away,
And, turning from my nurs'ry window, drew
A long, long sigh, and wept a last adieu!
But was it such?--It was.--Where thou art gone
Adieus and farewells are a sound unknown.
May I but meet thee on that peaceful shore,
The parting sound shall pass my lips no more!
Thy maidens griev'd themselves at my concern,
Oft gave me promise of a quick return.
What ardently I wish'd, I long believ'd,
And, disappointed still, was still deceiv'd;
By disappointment every day beguil'd,
Dupe of to-morrow even from a child.
Thus many a sad to-morrow came and went,
Till, all my stock of infant sorrow spent,
I learn'd at last submission to my lot;
But, though I less deplor'd thee, ne'er forgot.

Where once we dwelt our name is heard no more,
Children not thine have trod my nurs'ry floor;
And where the gard'ner Robin, day by day,
Drew me to school along the public way,
Delighted with my bauble coach, and wrapt
In scarlet mantle warm, and velvet capt,
'Tis now become a history little known,
That once we call'd the past'ral house our own.
Short-liv'd possession! but the record fair
That mem'ry keeps of all thy kindness there,
Still outlives many a storm that has effac'd
A thousand other themes less deeply trac'd.
Thy nightly visits to my chamber made,
That thou might'st know me safe and warmly laid;
Thy morning bounties ere I left my home,
The biscuit, or confectionary plum;
The fragrant waters on my cheeks bestow'd
By thy own hand, till fresh they shone and glow'd;
All this, and more endearing still than all,
Thy constant flow of love, that knew no fall,
Ne'er roughen'd by those cataracts and brakes
That humour interpos'd too often makes;
All this still legible in mem'ry's page,
And still to be so, to my latest age,
Adds joy to duty, makes me glad to pay
Such honours to thee as my numbers may;
Perhaps a frail memorial, but sincere,
Not scorn'd in heav'n, though little notic'd here.

Could time, his flight revers'd, restore the hours,
When, playing with thy vesture's tissued flow'rs,
The violet, the pink, and jessamine,
I prick'd them into paper with a pin,
(And thou wast happier than myself the while,
Would'st softly speak, and stroke my head and smile)
Could those few pleasant hours again appear,
Might one wish bring them, would I wish them here?
I would not trust my heart--the dear delight
Seems so to be desir'd, perhaps I might.--
But no--what here we call our life is such,
So little to be lov'd, and thou so much,
That I should ill requite thee to constrain
Thy unbound spirit into bonds again.

Thou, as a gallant bark from Albion's coast
(The storms all weather'd and the ocean cross'd)
Shoots into port at some well-haven'd isle,
Where spices breathe and brighter seasons smile,
There sits quiescent on the floods that show
Her beauteous form reflected clear below,
While airs impregnated with incense play
Around her, fanning light her streamers gay;
So thou, with sails how swift! hast reach'd the shore
"Where tempests never beat nor billows roar,"
And thy lov'd consort on the dang'rous tide
Of life, long since, has anchor'd at thy side.
But me, scarce hoping to attain that rest,
Always from port withheld, always distress'd--
Me howling winds drive devious, tempest toss'd,
Sails ript, seams op'ning wide, and compass lost,
And day by day some current's thwarting force
Sets me more distant from a prosp'rous course.
But oh the thought, that thou art safe, and he!
That thought is joy, arrive what may to me.
My boast is not that I deduce my birth
From loins enthron'd, and rulers of the earth;
But higher far my proud pretensions rise--
The son of parents pass'd into the skies.
And now, farewell--time, unrevok'd, has run
His wonted course, yet what I wish'd is done.
By contemplation's help, not sought in vain,
I seem t' have liv'd my childhood o'er again;
To have renew'd the joys that once were mine,
Without the sin of violating thine:
And, while the wings of fancy still are free,
And I can view this mimic shew of thee,
Time has but half succeeded in his theft--
Thyself remov'd, thy power to sooth me left.