Hello, and thank you for your kind comments on my last post. I'm sorry I've not replied to those who commented sooner, however as you can see my December reflections photograph project managed to be squeezed in amongst the busy.
Though I had intended to post the photos at least weekly, as that clearly didn't happen. I was however stepping my way gently through Advent and taking a photo a day really kept me grounded in "gentle" especially on some very tough and challenging days. I have a lot to be thankful for, and I am very aware of how lucky I have been in my life ......but somehow the depression and anxiety that I have lived with most of my life just won't shift. You can't see it on the outside (well some days you can), but some days I have to accept that it takes all of my strength to get out of bed and do the things I have to do each day.
Taking a photo a day in December really helped me to find the joy and to keep remembering that I am a worthwhile person who deserves to be here in the world and who deserves to be happy.
Here is the list of prompts with a link to Susannah's website:
1. Sparkle, 2. Hot Drink, 3. Red, 4. Sacred Space, 5. Branches, 6.Best Book of 2015, 7. Best Photo of 2015, 8. Shadows, 9. Gold, 10.Something beginning with A..., 11. The Space In-Between, 12. My Smile, 13. Circles, 14. Warmth, 15. Numbers, 16. Delicious
I hope that your December, Christmas and New Year were warm and safe, and that you were not alone (unless you wanted to be so), and that you did not feel alone. The world has seemed like such an alien place sometimes this past year, with the reactions to the refugee crisis, and terrorist attacks resulting in more fear and suspicion towards innocent people. More drawing up of our drawbridges and barricading ourselves in against the dangers outside!
Sometimes we can forget that most people are kind hearted and generous, and have good intentions. Sometimes we can feel despair for the world's children and their future. For me, I think that this is age talking, after years of being an idealist, it feels that nothing is changing and that the same mistakes are being repeated.
As you know I do not have a faith, but on Christmas Eve every year I go with my sisters to a children's carol service. This year the vicar played this version of Emmanuel by Enya, which I think is beautiful and expresses something of what we might all be feeling after this year's world events....
I remind myself that for each of us, baby steps and everyday actions are our contribution to making this world a better place. When we feel we have nothing to offer, just getting out of the door when it is still dark and driving into the sunrise to work, filling yourself with some love, just enough to find the courage to say "good morning" and "how are you?" - that really makes a difference to the world and to yourself on the darkest of days.
This year I will try to be more curious and less judgemental. Curiosity is something I have never quite formed into a habit. Time to restore my factory settings back to childhood mode I think!
Happy New Year from my blog to yours and may all your wishes for your world come true.
In a week of "foggy brain" pictures for my 365 days 2013 project has allowed me to "see" things clearly, if only for a moment or two. How I wish that my brain could think as sharply and clearly as some of these images are. Anxiety sucks. Ego be gone. Inner critic you're fired.
It's so tiring being the "Mama". - 7th September
Our smallest cat has been looking after her larger housemate lately, as he has been scrapping much more often in the neighbourhood. If she notices that he has an injury she is on top of him licking the afflicted part, usually an ear.
While I know from experience she is such a softy, when I see those fangs, I am reminded of this scene in "The Holy Grail. "
I
am once again looking to find my sense of humour as I am sure it will
help. It must be there somewhere as I did manage to make a very
depressed and frightened man laugh through his tears this week. My job
sometimes seems so filled with the sadness and despair of other people, luckily it does have
it's joyful moments too. I am very fortunate to be able to meet so many
very people and have a window into their lives. They tell me their
stories and sometimes that is all I can do, listen. I can offer some practical solutions of course and I do; often however, the thing they need most of all is someone to "see" them. Many of them really make me chuckle out loud. This week I have laughed with three or four of them at least. I possibly get too involved, well no possibly about it really!
I wonder how it is that I am
able to do this in my job; relax and connect I mean; but find it so hard to do this with other people
in my own life? Being with others socially is often quite painful for me as I can be overwhelmed with anxiety sometimes. I spend a lot of time alone.
Walking in the rain and listening to "Women who run with the wolves" via my earphones, was really grounding last Sunday. Lately time is running away so quickly and there seems no time for all I want to do. I won't be multi-tasking every time I walk however it was very soothing, probably due to Clarissa Pinkola Estes rhythmic voice and her words of "truth " that find their way into the deepest parts of me.
Purple(pink and green) rain - 8th September
Web and lavender in the evening sunlight - 9th September
Trying to recreate that "made by Dad" childhood memory - 10th September
Visiting - 11th September
World turning - 12th September
Cows in the road mean I have to slow down, in fact I have to STOP - 13th September
How are you dear bloggers? Many people seem to be reporting a foggy brain this week. Be gentle with yourselves.
Kat writes: "As we transition into the last
quarter of the year, we are inviting you to join us in responding to a
series of prompts designed to bring you closer to all you wanted 2013 to
be. We reckon that now is the time to ask: the universe will hear you."
Day 5: Have you developed new yearnings so far this year? Have you let go of old ones?
Yearnings? We humans been to be one big bundle of yearnings. Me especially it seems. Are yearnings the same as wants? My wants drive everyone mad. Or are these my yearnings? Maybe I want because my yearnings are unfulfilled? As a child someone always used to say to me "I want doesn't get." I get that. I really do. I wonder though if I just don't invest much want into those deepest yearnings. Practicality always seems to show up. Anyway.....
An old yearning has re-surfaced this year and is on track to becoming a big part of life next year. Old yearnings that are always with me will again have to be put on the back burner for a substantial amount of time. There are big decisions to be made. New yearnings intertwined with old yearnings are circling like birds above my head. When will they settle?
Still, it is good to have choices and life has presented me with these. I have made one life-changing decision, now I need to decide if there are other things to decide. Living in the moment is what it's about right now for me.
-------------------------------------
Day 6: The Zeniths and the Nadirs. Where have the highlights and the
low points been for you so far in 2013? Where are you now? How would you
like your year to end?
Why is it always easier to think of the Nadirs?
The lowest point this year has been allowing myself to get into such a dark place. I have felt out of control and destructive. I let anxiety, and ego affect my health and my relationships.
Thankfully now this has passed and I am feeling more grounded.
Is it possible for a Zenith and Nadir to happen at the same time?
For years I have spent time wishing and hoping for something/someone to come back into our lives. This year it happened and it has been wonderful to have been able to share in the joy that this has brought.
I find it very hard to explain why my mood seemed to have become so dark and my behaviour towards myself and others so destructive when this is such a huge high point in our lives.
Well actually I can explain it, I just can't excuse it.
I could have dealt with all of the challenges that appeared at just the same time, in a very different way.
Thankfully there have been very many other highs:
- my birthday night and the celebrations with my family
- being given a conditional offer to return to University in January
- I met some amazing and resourceful people in my day job
I would like 2013 to end with me feeling happy, healthy, peaceful and strong.
--------------------------------
Day 7: What once-in-a-blue-moon opportunities came your way so far in 2013?
This:
And this:
And this:
And this:
And this:
And this:
It has been a whirlwind of a year so far. Now I would like to create the opportunity for some slow and some gentle. I'm off to yoga tonight for the first time in two years. I can feel the slow and the gentle seeping into my body already and I'm not even there yet.
Kat writes: "As we transition into the last
quarter of the year, we are inviting you to join us in responding to a
series of prompts designed to bring you closer to all you wanted 2013 to
be. We reckon that now is the time to ask: the universe will hear you."
Day 2: How do you intend to transition into the gentler season of Autumn?
Right now I wish that the summer would last forever. I am not keen on the idea of transitioning into Autumn. However the word "gentler" is attracting me, and really I do love those bright and crisp Autumn days. There may even be an "Indian Summer" this September to enjoy.
When I wrote this last week, my intention was to transition by enjoying the last of the hot August sunshine; before refreshing my body and mind completely as after a long summer day out (one with storms and dramas of the human kind). Having a week off work has certainly helped with this. Below are some of my ramblings from last week when I first saw this prompt.
I'm imagining I am back in my cabin and relaxing before getting ready for the evening and the cool, dark night. I am feeling tired, exhausted from too much sun. I overstretched myself going up that hill and walking that extra mile or two. And all without a hat too. I fell over that stone and there was a grazed knee and some hot tears. Someone said "I told you so" and "why do you always overdo it?" I felt hot and cross; and determined to prove them wrong. I forced myself on further and then there were more tears, until I just had to stop. My body and my mind said so. I had to let go. I cannot control everything, I cannot fit everything into a day(or even a life), and anyway, this will not make the emptiness go away. Do I not know this by now? There is always sunstroke and tantrums when you want too much. And you always want too much. Still, I'm lying on the bed momentarily, feeling happy if a little sore. All the drama is over and all is peaceful again. I love the summer. Ok I'll take a long, refreshing shower and get dressed in something comfy. I'll make myself look human again. My skin feels warm and brown from the sunshine. This is a good feeling, may it last forever. It's a great in between place - neither here nor there. I'm not ready for the transition yet. It's here too soon and I've been too busy to enjoy the heat, the lazy summer days, the people, the time......it has all passed too quickly whilst I've been taking care of the everyday. Busy surviving. Busy with the mundane, the treadmill, this life as I've chosen it. To me it is summer that feels gentler. Usually a time for growth and blooming. Warmth and light. It's over too quickly this year. It all feels such a rush. Please stay for a while longer. I am fearing the wind, cold, rain and darkness. Everyone with heads down and hoods up, still hurrying; I;m fearing time moving slowly on the grey days, and yet more rapidly as the days are shorter and it seems always dark. Everyone hurrying in their busyness, seeing only the urgent matter to which they are running towards. Everyone needing a hug and a smile. Everyone needing some gentle. So the transition is coming. Autumn, with winter on her heels. Let her be gentler as every season can be. She can be gentler if that is what I choose. And that is what I choose. I intend to transition into Autumn being gentler to myself first of all. Yes I still need reminding! I' m really not used to "gentle". I really want to practice "gentle". Gentle stretches, gentle walks, candles casting shadows and speading fragrances, smiles and gentle looking, curiosity and gentle encouragement, gentle feeding of my soul, body and mind, gentle choices, gentle voices. Less of the shoulds and more of the coulds. Time to re-establish a gentle self-care routine. Time to gently play with a yellow duck found on the beach or to pick up feathers and driftwood. My body, heart and mind have been hurt by my own actions. Time to choose to be gentle in this new season.
49 year old female blogger, Jan, who blogs at "Stayingawake".
Last seen in the bath on Monday 3rd of December 2012 after she reported some overwhelm. Previously she has often been seen in blogland searching for her funny bone, self-belief and self-compassion. Can be known to struggle with work-life balance, and also with the ability to take herself less seriously. If found please return to her family and cats, who love her very much indeed.
I have written many times about how I have always been swept away by work demands, but how I love to be home and to have some time out to get back in touch with myself. I have always resented "work" to a certain extent, as it always seemed to prevent me from "being myself"! Maybe I always felt dissatisfied, never quite home, always yearning and seeking my life's purpose! Expectations of myself that were rooted in childhood dreams. Maybe I never quite grew up.
One story that was stuck on repeat in my mind from childhood, was that I really wanted to write. However I stopped trying to "be a writer" after my teens, after I destroyed the two "novels" I had written. I wrote in a journal, sometimes wrote bad poetry or short stories, but told myself I was always too tired after the day job, and of course that my writing wasn't good enough to share with others. Something in me was telling me that writing was how I wanted to connect with the world, and I found other ways of connecting a little difficult.
As a child, I had always had my nose in a book. I would go visit my Dad after school and at weekends, then would sit curled up in a big armchair reading, whilst he and my Gran watched the TV. The chair was right next to the TV, but I couldn't hear it! When they called my name, I couldn't hear them either. I also liked to draw and paint, people said I was talented.
At some point in my twenties, I stopped reading for pleasure. I loved to create, but had no focus and drifted around experimenting with everything. I never found my place. As a teacher, I was able to be creative in my day job; however once I left teaching, and worked in the community with families who had "problems", I never picked up a paintbrush or pencil again until last year.
Last year when I was made redundant, I spent four months at home, rediscovering some of the things I loved to do. The absence of reading, thankfully, I had noticed some years before, so at that point I had started to read fiction again. This was probably my first step on the long road back to sanity. Last year I took many more steps, and will keep on walking.
To be perfectly truthful, I can still find it hard to manage work demands. It has always been the case that when I arrive at the day job, I forget my own life. I forget to take a lunch break; I forget to make an urgent doctors appointment; I can feel irritated by work colleagues making conversation with me; I work late; I work at home; I find it hard to say "no, I can't do that" or "no, I have enough work already." The difference now is that I am more focused on what needs doing, on my own boundaries. I feel less resentful. I am able to be compassionate, and stand up for what I believe in, without as much overwhelm. I have a more balanced perspective about the work I do. I feel more at home. I feel more myself. Maybe this is my purpose, to learn to live in the real world? Maybe finding the courage to live and be myself, is my purpose?
So , I clearly have workaholic tendencies which I have worked hard to keep in balance over the past few years! I will admit that I have used work to hide from making real connections with others, partly through fear, but also through guilt and self-loathing. In therapy recently I discovered that I may also have the tendency to be a bit of a perfectionist, and as many people have told me in the past, I am self-critical, to the extreme. Someone who thought she had forgiven herself for past mistakes and harm she has caused, who thought she had her inner-critic under control and back in the box, found herself right back in that terrible place and needing to forgive again.
So here I am. Someone who in the past has been so busy just surviving, thinking that she needed to be independent, and that she needed to get it all exactly right, all of the time, every bit of it! Here I am, someone admitting that she has caused damage to her own health, and (though I am ashamed to say it), damage to those she loves most. In therapy recently I learned how to hold myself in compassion whenever I start to criticise myself or my past actions.I have learned to get it all into balance.
In life I "achieved" so much of what I set out to achieve. I did my best with the understanding I had at the time. Yet I have sacrificed so much and it is hard not to let regret take me over! I have to work at it.
I have been re-learning how to live now for the past six years. I cannot undo the damage, or bring back what has been lost. I have to stand here today, in the ruins of my old life, and of the expectations that went along with that life; and I have to face each day without allowing the sadness and guilt to overwhelm me. If I did that then I would have learned nothing.
So this week as I went back to the day job after a short break, I was struck by words from Susan Piver in her Open-Heart Project email. She asks "What is the real world?" and talks about coming back to the real world, after the order, and gentleness of a retreat. She points out that people often say things like, "well that was great but now it's back to the real world."
I often used to find myself saying that about returning to my day job after a break! These words from Susan made me realise that I say and feel that less often these days!
Susan points out that somehow we have swapped these worlds over, that the world of the retreat is real life, not the dog eat dog world we know so well, one that is speedy, often unkind and full of frustrations.
Susan reminds us that our true nature is to be open-hearted, gentle and kind; and that we have an expectation of warmth and nuturance. She says that this is how we are born and what shocks us is when we do not encounter these things in what we think is the real world!
Susan's words about what is is we long for being connection with others and the opportunity to be seen for who we are and the chance to express our selves, made me breathe a YES.
She also says, "It is when I am connected to my own open-heartedness that I feel most myself."
These words from Susan about meditation also brought a quick intake of breath, another YES and a long slow peaceful breath out. She says about meditation helping us: to practice, softening to our own experience, turning to our own goodness rather than away from it , the ability of extending the hand of friendship to yourself, developing confidence in navigating our own experience that is contributing to world that is peaceful and joyous.
These ramblings about my past;
about how I have been swept away by trying to keep up, or fit in, in a world that doesn't feel like home;
my journey over the past six years(which includes blogging and wise blogger friends);
Susan's words in my in-box this week;
and lots and lots of writers, poets, artists;
.......these all bring me to a place where I realise that in my heart I am now(at last), home, and that I know(and have always known) how to live in the real world.
It hit us hard and unexpectedly earlier this week.
I know that those blogging friends who pop in here, now and then, will send us some love and strength. It is not often I ask for help. I wish I could share the situation with you here, but it concerns someone else and is just far too personal to post somewhere so public.
Myself and Mr Stayinawake are holding on tight and I am preparing for a very rocky ride. While at the moment the situation is uncertain, things are likely to get very much worse, I cannot see how they will not.
On some days, since we heard the news, it feels very dark and hopeless. Then other times, I feel more hopeful and believe that it will all be ok.
Whatever does happen next, be it the worst case scenario or something less, we just have to take each step at a time, each moment at a time.
I am feeling winded yes, but tears are pricking the back of my eyes, not falling; I am still walking and talking; still doing my job; trying to continue on as normal. Not hiding under the covers and crumbling. Just waiting and prepared, for the next blow to strike; or for the release of hearing that it has all been a terrible mistake.
I know that whatever the outcome, it is here, I have to face it; and I am able to be strong for myself and for the other person who it directly affects. I feel it is almost as if, all of the work I have been doing over the past few years, has been to get me ready for this. I don't like this situation, but I am ready for it. I will not fall apart.
Yesterday this arrived in my inbox. I breathed it in gratefully.
Nothing is too big for Spirit to handle! You cannot out-give, out-grow, or overwhelm Spirit.
Nothing is too much for Universal Principle to handle or respond to. Why? because Spirit is INFINITE.
Make your claim; work through the problem; confront the challenge. With God(the Universe) as your partner, you have EVERYthing you need to walk through ANYthing!
Today this. I breathed in some peaceful breaths. There is nothing I can do. It is out of my control. Fighting it will, right now, just make me weaker.
It is "what it is". This is not resignation. Making this statement moves you out of resistance, denial, and pain, into acceptance.
Accepting "what is" , you can move beyond the question of "Why?", and into the question, "Now What?"
Now you can engage in your life by conscious choice.
Just what I needed to read this week. Thank you Dr Petra.
I am going to keep blogging as much as possible. It will keep me focused on the things that are good for me whilst this horror is happening. Thank you for always being there my friends.
How do geese know when to fly to the sun? Who tells them the seasons? How do we humans know when it is time to move on? As with the migrant birds, so surely it is with us, there is a voice within if only we would listen to it, that tells us certainly when it is time to go forth into the unknown.
I've just finished reading this book from cover to cover - it is my first thirsty read of it, in fact for the past few days I have been unable to put it down. Now I shall go back to spend time doing the exercises. I am starting on Page 162 in the section entitled "Unpack your boxes", where Patti suggests that for 10 minutes over the next 37 days, we review our life so far, through our saved letters, photos and other memorabilia we've collected over the years.
She suggests also that we sort the items into piles, one which contains things... "that identify what you are holding onto from the past that no longer serves you, for example people, things or stories that hold you back and in some way symbolise a you that you no longer want to be". She then suggests a ritual burning of these items.
I was looking forward to getting out that huge stack of letters I've saved for so long. Then when I went looking for them, I realised that I had sorted through them(kind of) last year or the year before, and that many of them had gone into the bin in an attempt at decluttering. I feel kind of sad now that they have gone - the letters - full of all those memories and words that others, who loved and valued me then, had spent time writing. In fact I feel tears pricking at the back of my eyes at the thought that I threw them out.
This is what is left.......
Memories - March 2012
Looks like I decided to get rid of most of the letters and just kept postcards and other bits and bobs.
Moving on is difficult sometimes isn't it? I am finding it difficult to read my inner voice right now. Is it just the habitual nagging whisper that maybe the grass would be greener if I made a leap? Or is it truly that it is time to move on? I read somewhere some time ago that we are all programmed to want change in different degrees....some of us needing it more frequently than others. Anyway, I'm rambling, let's see where I am after 37 days.......my itchy feet just might need scratching a little, not a whole new pair of shoes!
Patti also asks us to make our "bucket list" or list of things you wanted to do as a child but packed away. If you visited this post of mine a few days ago, you will know that I am thinking on this at the moment, and making my list already. How about you? Are you unpacking any boxes right now? I've noticed one or two of my blogging friends already have goal lists or have said that they are setting themselves new goals just lately. Maybe it's the move into spring that's done it? We are all getting a new burst of energy and want to spring clean again.
Happy spring cleaning, if that is what you are up to lately. Mine will be continuing for the next month or two.
Once you step into the “Life on Life’s Terms” flow, you will find that
you catch yourself feeling very “off-center” if your words or behaviours
are not in alignment with your highest Self. When you lie to get
around a difficult reality, for example, you are avoiding life on life’s
terms. There have been many times in my recovery where I had an
opportunity to look at my dishonesty. It is a true mark of healing to
notice when you lie and to feel badly about it. That is your highest
Self speaking to you and reminding you that you are an honest person of
integrity acting outside of your own boundaries. (As an aside, it is
very important to also hear your highest Self when it forgives you
immediately.)
Being a child of illusion also has to do with beginning to encourage yourself not to be a walking battleground. We have such strong feelings of good and evil, right and wrong. We also feel that parts of ourselves are bad are evil and parts of ourselves are good and wholesome. All these pairs of opposites - happy and sad, victory and defeat, loss and gain - are at war with each other.
The truth is that good and bad coexist; sour and sweet coexist. They aren't really opposed to each other. We could start to open our eyes and our hearts to that deep way of perceiving, like moving into a whole new dimension of experience: becoming a child of illusion. Maybe you've heard that the Buddha is not out there, the Buddha is within. The Buddha is bad and good coexisting, evil and purity coexisting; the Buddha within is not just all the nice stuff. the Buddha within is messy as well as clean.The Buddha within is really sordid as well as wholesome - yucky, smelly, repulsive as well as the opposite: they coexist.
This view is not easy to grasp, but it is helpful to hear. At the everyday kitchen sink level, it simply means that as you see things in yourself that you think are terrible and not worthy, maybe you could reflect that that's Buddha. You're proud of yourself because you just had a good meditation or because you're having such saintly thoughts. That's Buddha too."
I am struggling to stay above water in these first few days of 2012.
Serious sorting out of myself, how I choose to spend my time and my habits is needed.
Knowing where to start is hard however.
Christmas and New Year are usually a rest and time for reflection, but I haven't had this luxury this time (or rather I have fallen back into old patterns of making everything harder than it needs to be!).
This first week of 2012, my year of living ALIVE, I have been pretty much falling back into the old routine; the "skin of my teeth" lifestyle; no spaces in between; juggling to balance the contradictions within; striving to do right without; failing; hardening; lack of care; lack of attention; mental and physical exhaustion; choosing not to choose because there is just to much to do and not enough energy with which to do it all.
So today and tomorrow I will make time to breathe. Time to notice and allow the spaces just to be.
Maybe some sorting out of the number of blogs, articles, websites etc., I try (and fail) to read on a regular basis. Spreading myself thinly is not the way to live ALIVE.
In my in-box today were these precious words .......
"The "gap" is
that moment in between - in between random thoughts, in between a
hurtful word and a compassionate silence, in between a reaction and a
thoughtful response, in between habit and choice. Live in the "gap" as
much as you can! It's also the home of the Divine!"
I have been noticing that my nervous energy has been allowing no gaps, no silences, no time to breathe, this last couple of months. Yesterday whilst visiting a client, I felt as if I was drowning, and started to panic about what to do to fix this person's problems. I felt I had no idea what to say or do. So I just sat in silence with her for quite a few moments. I allowed this space. She didn't need me to fill the silence, to take over, to bundle her along in a frenzy of panic, or of "doing". I tried to be present, to listen, to hear her, to see her...instead of simply seeing the problems and feeling pressure in my job role to fix it all. I slowed right down. I handed it gently back to her, using some tough but gentle questions to help her start to see a path forward. One step at a time.
I 've been working in this particular role for only six months, and I can already feel myself almost at the point I reached in my last similar role after three or four years. Where I am at overwhelm. Maybe I need to stop working with people? Or maybe I just need to live more in the "gap".
I've been getting these reminders about "spaces" for a few days now. Socially and in the office, I've been noticing my tendencies to talk all of the time, babbling complete and utter drivel, just because I am nervous. Trying too hard. Yesterday the thought of facing anyone at all was almost too much to bear. I stayed out of the office as much as possible, and tried to get back in touch with the work itself.
I received this lovely desk calendar for Christmas from Mr S, and Thursday's entry promised me many valuable reminders this year.....
"Listening to the silence is probably one of the most profound experiences we can have in our everyday life. We women who do too much tend to rush through silences and may even feel uncomfortable when we have moments of silence. Listening to that silence can bring many surprises. This year we will explore our relationship with silence."
This morning I had some time to visit my favourite blogs and comment a little. I read about Jojo's doctor's orders. Simplifying and nourishing sound very good to me, and just what I need if I am going to live alive in 2012. I also need to get some proper sleep and routine.
The scanning and gathering nature that is mine and which I worked on calming down in 2011, is still in need of some careful attention. Part of living alive is about slowing down and noticing details, my word for 2012 was very nearly "Savour". Kat writes so beautifully about this word at "I saw you dancing".
ALIVE involves some savouring; a very different kind of energy; some slowing down and simplifying; some silence; living in the gap and in the light; looking with gentle eyes; listening; spending time with my heart's desires; nourishment; much joy, peace and love.
"I'll kiss you awake, and we'll have time To know our neighbours all by name, and every star at night We'll weave our days together like waves, and particles of light."
I believe that last Sunday was the birthday of Robert Louis Stevenson. I had intended to post one of his poems to mark the day. Sunday was a very odd day indeed, however, and so no post was written at all!
Thinking about Robert Louis Stevenson, I was bought back to childhood and my love of books, poetry and of swings! I loved books and reading already, before I arrived aged 9, at my new home; to start a new life with my second family. There I was then introduced to a wider variety of reading matter, and was also read to, and sung to, probably for the first time in my home situation! Although perhaps not, as my older sister may well have read me stories when we shared a bedroom back home.
Gratitudes then today, to Robert Louis Stevenson for the children's books and poetry he wrote; and to my foster mother for her soft singing voice, her belief in magic and wonder, her humour, and her wonderful expressive reading of so many, many stories and poems during the later part of my childhood. That is her on the swing in the photograph below.
I was inspired in the later part of this week, by the wonderful Kat ..... to stand in this "place where reality does not meet your expectations". To stand and look with loving eyes; to start to gently unpick/dismantle, once again, all of those expectations of myself. To recognise my expectations of others and how they come about. To face up to all of my idealistic expectations of the world, and to gain some clarity about how disapointment, hurt and sadness show up as a hardening, and as a withdrawal, and as a loss of power .
All of that measuring and judging, all that anguish and struggle....time now.... just to let it go. Time to reassemble the pieces of my expectations, into something more tender; something more joyful. To recognise that I am strong enough to stand fully in reality and with clear eyes see what is there, what is beautiful and what is dark within it. To embrace it all, however unwelcome some of it may seem, and to unleash the dreams, the love, joy and the gratitude for this my unique experience, my unique being.....and yours.....and....for the world.....to dream and to show up for work(kat again).
I started a Stained Glass making class this week. Suffice to say my expectations of my work did not match the reality of me as a complete beginner.
Second sketch of my design....rather complex yes?
The tutor tried to get me to simplify the design.
I ended up with a design somewhere between the two. Then I started to try to cut the glass and met reality head on. Time to gently lay down my expectations and cultivate beginner's mind I think.
After reading Kat's Worthiness Wednesday post on Thursday, I got to thinking about the high expectations I seem to hold of myself, how they impact on my self-worth and on my connections with others. I thought about how this holds me back from my dreams for the world.
By Saturday I decided to use my unwanted stained glass designs, to start an art journal page that mapped the battles between reality and my expectations. On so many levels of life I have placed impossible expectations on myself. Time now, to lovingly dismantle them, as Kat says, with compassionate curiosity. Time to let them go. To free myself from their prison. To unpick those painful stitches that have restricted for so long. To recognise the beauty, fullness and uniqueness of reality, to set free the possibilies, the dreams and the love.
Time to stop...reality... for now.
Making a background of my expectations.
Feeling a bit stuck but enjoying the pink sprinkles.
Tenderness.
Alongside my thoughts about reality and expectations this week, came a visit from this friend ,who again bought me a Laughing Buddha as a present. This time, she bought one she thought might stand in my garden, as she had heard me say I would like a Buddha for the garden.
Present from a friend - Oct 2011
The expectations I had for a Buddha in my garden were more like this.....
British Museum - 2009
Reality hit me right in between the eyes again, as I faced up to how little I had been able to put into practice changes I had demanded of myself, since last time she visited. Faced with the stark reality of my crankiness and my inflexibility, I started to really not like myself very much.
Luckily she also brought some laughter. To laugh at myself and situations where I might ordinarily feel anger or irritation was a revelation. Recognising that I am starting to tighten and close up again, was a warning. Recognising that I do not want to go back to those places. Being honest enough to stop and exercise patience and love. I recieved many gifts this week.
I look at the Buddha she bought me, and recall moments where I have thrown up my arms in sheer joy. What a beautiful feeling!
So what is making me cranky?
Expectations.
Time to embrace the lessons my dear friend and her laughter and joy brings.
It's week 35 of #mindful52 and Heather is asking us to consider abundance.
We live in an abundant universe. Do you believe that?
How can we see, feel, live and breathe abundance on a daily basis?
In yoga’s 8 Limbed Path there is a yama called Aparigraha. It roughly
translates to non-possessiveness. Just because something is available
doesn’t mean we have to take it. We see this in the west especially – in
our “throw away” society. Yes that “thing” still works, but I don’t
like it anymore. I want something shiny, beautiful and new! This to me
points to a feeling of lack that only a material possession will make
all better – for that particular moment anyway.
Life isn’t about the things I own, the place I live or the job I have.
Life is about the moments.
It’s about the relationships and interactions I have with others.
I choose abundance because I know that it exists.
What about you? What signs of abundance are visible in your life?
What a timely prompt from Heather. Her questions started me thinking about abundance and the "law of attraction", which Heather mentions in her #mindful prompt, but that I have always had a bit of a problem with. I watched "The Secret" on DVD, a few years ago, after a colleague recommended it and I struggled with some of the ideas it contained. Anyway, there is not enough room here to go into all of that now, suffice to say that I did not reject all of it. The prompt was timely for me as I continue to struggle to be enough, do enough, know what I need to do to make a difference.
So in thinking about abundance, I was back with Brene Brown and her book The Gifts Of Imperfection, flicking through the pages to find where she writes about scarcity. She discusses the difference between abundance and sufficiency on page 83, and, amongst other wise words, directs us to this inspiring woman and her book "The Soul Of Money".
After my rant about consumerism a few days ago, reading Heather's prompt and hearing Lynne Twist's words on this brief video, were just what I needed. I particularly liked what Lynne says about how the labelling of people as poor is "so inaccurate, dishonouring and disabling to them and to those who would call them that", and how "to collapse people's financial circumstances with who they are....is to so diminish ourselves and them, because they are whole and complete people living in horrendous, oppressive, resource poor circumstances."
While Lynne is perhaps speaking mainly of people living in parts of the developing world, she does also talk about how we live with certain "unquestioned answers" that have been tied up with living in a consumer society. She says that in a consumer culture..."enough has no place, only more has a place". She talks about how we have no relationship with "the exquisite absolutely mind boggling and nourishing experience of enough, of sufficiency". She points out how we can "never reach prosperity or abundance through the doorway of more, more will always give you lack and make you want more."
I found it started me thinking about what we see as poverty in the UK and other consumer societies, and how once again certain sections of UK society are being labelled, and separated from the mainstream, by this labelling, this defining of people by lack, as broken, and by pointing the finger. Sigh.
I am sure that we can change society for the better without creating all of this separation and fear.
More "unquestioned answers"(Lynne again) -
- we need to make "poor" people better, richer, more responsible. Maybe not, maybe we need to look at the whole of society and how we can all work together compassionately and for the good of all of our children.
We need to be questioning what we are teaching children; more so, how we are teaching children to live in a consumer society...about the "soul" of money indeed, about what our basic needs are and how they are met in sufficiency by the universe. So that children do not grow up feeling empty and wanting, wanting, wanting....something that never satisfies them.
Letting go of wanting to get more of what we don't really need it frees up oceans of energy to turn and make a difference with what you already have.
- Lynne Twist
One of my favourite blogs posts ever is this one ( and one of my favourite blogs and bloggers too) which is all about just that, making a difference with what you already have.
We are not grateful because we are happy we are happy because we are grateful.
- Lynne Twist
Part of making a difference with what you already have, is about gratitude. Heather also brings this home to us with her thoughts about abundance, and her list of thoughts about where she finds this in her life. Though Heather uses the term abundance she is speaking of the same thing as Brene and Lynne, when they talk about sufficiency. Heather shares what she has already noticed is "filling her cup" or is enough, she shares her gratitude for these things, and how she is making a difference with what she already has.
So it's my turn now to gently look for the signs of abundance or sufficiency in my life....where I need to let go of wanting more and to appreciate what I already have......(bear with me as I work through this)....
My body and it's energy:
I have enough energy and my body is healthy. I appreciate the energy and health of my body, though sometimes to be honest it does sometimes feel lately like I run out of energy more easily. I am in the beginning stages of having a Yoga practice and I notice quite often what my body can't do, and will never be able to do. Accepting and surrendering to this as my body changes and as I begin to nourish my body, is part of this noticing sufficiency. Appreciating my health and energy means truly taking care of myself and honouring my body. Giving it enough rest, relaxation, exercise, fresh air and nutrition to meet it's changing needs and to nurture it.
The hours of my day. Time, that old scratch I am still straining to itch :) .
I have enough hours in the day, oh yes I really do. It appears as if I am talking myself into this doesn't it? However, on Tuesday this week just gone, I noticed just how much I had been able to achieve in the day. It was enough and I was amazed. Choosing how I spend my time is part of starting(restarting) a new relationship with time. One of sufficiency. Appreciating the enoughness of time, means savouring each moment and being present to what is happening now. Slowing down, zooming in and letting go of fear and scarcity, will help with this. Keeping a have done list instead of a to do list is maybe a good idea. Taking time to focus on my breath during the day will also help I know.
Nature. As summer ends and Autumn begins, I am reminded of Harvest Festival which is coming up very soon. The garden and allotment are still overflowing with enough fruit and vegetables for me to experiment with making jams and other tasty goodies. I can go outside and feel the grass on my bare feet every morning if I wish. I am able to see garden creatures, watch our cats playing outside and breath in the fresh air. There are beautiful flowers, fragrant herbs and colourful foods growing in the garden, planted by Mr S and providing a visual treat every day. The tree that I can see from our front window is like an old friend and is there as a constant reminder of the changing seasons each time I look out. I am near to the sea, and also to the hills and beautiful countryside, which I can visit as often as I choose.
My Mind and the skills it gives me. The minds of others. Along with this are the resouces I can access because of my mind and it's skills, at the library or on the internet, and in the everyday world. My five senses are enough for me to enjoy learning and experiencing all of the wonderful sights, sounds and interactions with the world, it's amazing people and their creations. I appreciate this by developing awareness and mindfulness, and by learning to apply these to my monkey-mind and any tendency I have to negativity about my enoughness. There are many problems in the world. Coming to terms with both these and our individual circumstance, is often a struggle. Just recognising and noticing that there are enough compassionate minds out there, minds with such a variety of intelligences that the world's problems are constantly being challenged and there are so many people who commit themselves to making a difference in big or small ways. I appreciate my mind and the skills I have by enjoying, learning, developing, interacting with others and by my choices that make a positive difference in the world..
Heart(love) and Compassion. There is enough. It is all around us if I look for it....I do not really have to look far. It is in the everyday close relationships I have with my loved ones, pets, wider family and friends. It is there in the everyday interactions I have with those I come into contact with in my work or in the community. It is there in the wider society, people are out there making a difference in difficult circumstances, challenging separation and labelling in so many ways. In the wider world too we can see that there is enough love and compassion to help when there are crises or to work for human rights. I appreciate love and compassion by noticing, giving and speaking out; by being kind to myself and by fighting the thoughts that come in to tell me that, in fact, I am not enough.
Abundance or sufficiency starts with this.....I am enough. I have enough. How can I be? How can I give?
