Bye For Now October and Thanks For All of The Colour - Days 30 and 31 of 31 Days of Change.

As I sat in my car yesterday waiting for an appointment, there was time to reflect on the past month, and where I am now after 31 days(give or take) of blogging about change.

It's been a really useful and enlightening challenge, much has been going on internally which I wasn't fully aware of until yesterday.

I'm so glad I found the 31 days challenge, even if time has sometimes been short, meaning I didn't have as much chance to read other participants blogs as I would have liked.

When I started the month, I had toyed with the idea of starting November with a change of scene blogwise. One thing I have learned however during October, is that my time is scarce and so can be my energy levels. So I will not be creating a new space just yet. It is all I can do to fit in everything I love to do around my day job. Blogging everyday has been fun and manageable, so maybe I will continue to write here more regularly.

It seems as if this focus on change has brought some uncomfortable issues to the surface. I had intended the month to involve a little bit more laughter and more fun, but as the days went on and I became more tired after returning to work, it was harder to stay positive and feel as energised as I had at the beginning. The focus switched onto "why things are not changing when I am trying so hard?" It also switched onto "how can I do more of what I love and stay fit and full of energy?" " How can I shape my life to look more as I would like?"

I've been having a good hard look at "my story", and have come back to how I've always viewed my parents, and how this has affected how I have view myself. I'm now revisiting this change of perspective, and finding that whilst it still hurts, I am finding rich treasure in shaping a new story.

It was the words of Lemn Sissay in his video which I posted a few days ago, that really got me thinking about this. He said, "Looked after children do not deserve our pity they deserve our respect." I started thinking about how my history has shaped my attitudes to everything, but especially to other human beings.

Another change and one which I am really enjoying, is the recognition of how much more "myself" I feel these days. As my blogger friends will know, this is something I've been working hard at for some years now. I realised yesterday that although there is still some work left to do, I am so much nearer to filling my own skin; and that whilst it still feels awful sometimes, it's a different kind of awful. I still feel as if I am not seen some days, but I do not feel invisible anymore.

I am accepting the changes that have been forced upon us this year. I am accepting that loved ones have been hurt and are still very vulnerable. The change is that I feel there is hope again. Tiny specks of light in the distance, like glowing dandelion clocks drifting in the dark night sky. We can reach for them, and may catch hold of one for a moment; only for a moment before it floats away again. We know they are out there, and this brings comfort and allows trust.

Change is, that I remind myself everyday of how grateful I am. Autumn does help us remember this with it's glorious colour. Today I am grateful that I can stand amongst the leaves; that I can hear them crunching under my feet; that I enjoy doing new things; that I enjoy the time I have to savour new and more familiar things; and that I can choose how my life feels as we move into Winter.

As always I thank you for visitng and joining in with your comments. Keep safe. I am thinking of all those in the areas affected by Hurricane Sandy and Cyclone Nilam right now.