It's been a while since I wrote a blog entry using one of the
Mindful52 prompts. However I have been thinking on the prompt from Week 26 ever since the end of June when Heather wrote......
Life inherently has its own rhythm and flow.
Think of the ocean, the balance of the seasons, the constancy of day and night.
We as humans attempt to control so much of our lives when truthfully,
“going with the flow” is the best way to carry on and CARRY OM!
To me, flow is related to the second and third chakras, relating to our emotions and power respectively – Svadhisthana and Manipura.
Use meditation, visualization and yoga poses to open these chakras to
get unstuck. Sun Salutations and Moon Salutations are both great flowing
practices that allow release of both of these chakras through forward
folds, backbends and lateral bends.
As always, use this week to be mindful of easy flow in your life –
and lack thereof! Physically notice in quiet moments those places that
feel constricted and stuck – where the breath won’t flow freely as it
should.
Since March this year I've been attending a Yoga class almost every week. In more recent weeks I've been doing a little yoga at home too. Yoga was always one of my intentions and though I "dabbled" a bit, I never made the commitment to myself until this year. I am still very much in the early stages and my practice is no where near disciplined enough, but I am just glad I made it to a class and keep going back. That is enough right now.
Thoughts of flow, have been swishing around at the back of my mind ever since I read Heather's prompt.
I noticed that flow has been present in my Yoga practice, how I've been loving the easy movement from one yoga pose to another; as I've moved into downward dog from upward facing dog for example. I notice that the days this feeling of flow happens, are more often the days I practice at home.
In the class, I am often unsure of the sequence of poses that the teacher is choosing that day, there are other people about, and there is her voice, talking us through the breathing, commenting on our poses, pausing to explain. On these days there is never a glimpse of flow, sometimes just frustration or sometimes excitement at learning something new.
Then there are simply the days when, whether at home or in class, my body seems to fight and resist, it is a struggle to move my limbs, everything hurts, and the clock moves slowly. I am thinking ahead to what I will eat when I get home.
Last Friday night in the class, I had to put my mat in another area of the room, near the front, nearer the mirror and to the left of the teacher. I noticed that somehow the other bodies in the room seemed to fade, I couldn't see the teacher well from where I was, I had to listen to her rather than watch her. It all led to a very different experience in class. Almost a flow-like experience. Less self-consciousness, more control, more flow and more trust in my body.
I notice that I associate flow in yoga, with self-trust, power and confidence in my body. Off the mat I associate flow with confidence, empowerment and self-trust in my mind, and in my gut feelings.
Every
time you don't follow your inner guidance, you feel a loss of energy,
loss of power, a sense of spiritual deadness.
~Shakti Gawain
For such a long time I haven't trusted myself or been able to hear my inner voice, looking to others for reassurance, or completely disregarding my own thoughts or ideas. I love that feeling of flow and it reminds me of times when I have been so caught up in something, at work for example. I remember those times when I've been doing something that felt completely natural to me, I am "out" of my mind, lose all self-consciousness, and am in the FLOW ZONE. There may have been lots of hard work and soul searching put in before, but once in the zone there is nothing like that feeling! You know that feeling don't you? Pure joy.
The way you overcome shyness is to become so wrapped up in something that you forget to be afraid.
~Lady Bird Johnson
Learning something new, developing skills, life changes, feeling unwell or tired; these things are always going to different degrees, be a struggle. The flow will be less free, if it is there at all. There will be times that flow is blocked.
What I have to accept, is that there will always be challenges, some exciting, some that I would rather not face and make me want to curl up into a great big ball of numb.
It is more compassionate to learn not to resist, and not to give up on things or give less that my full commitment. It is more compassionate not to become so lost in self-doubt and not-knowing, that I cannot function in life and disappear. It is more compassionate to learn not to ride roughshod over my inner voice, and feelings.
The "I shoulds"; the "my body should be able to"; the "what will people think"; the "what they expect of me"; the "what I expect of myself"; all of those need to be banished.
I cannot control everything.
I am perfect already with all of my flaws.
Presenting an illusion of competence to the world, and comparing myself to others has been the maker of misery in my life.
Now I need to go with the flow, swim through the struggles and simply smile compassionately; laugh even, as my body wobbles or collapses or just "wont do that!"
Out there in the world too.
It is kinder to let go of the fact that my body is out of shape after years of neglect; let go of the regrets that I didn't start this earlier; let go of the shrugging of shoulders and the defeated attitude that says...."what do you expect from this poor tired body of mine?"
Out there in the world too.
Letting go means also having realistic expectations of myself, not expecting perfection, no illusion but compassion with boundaries for my body. Not shoulds. Can do and will do this. Can't do and won't put my body at risk by doing that. That's still hard - the can't do.
Out there too.
Not
being able to govern events, I govern myself, and apply myself to them,
if they will not apply themselves to me
~Michel de Montaigne, Essays, 1588
On Friday I found myself giving up after weeks of battling with one particular pose, I just said, I can't do that and accepted that fact - the pose isn't comfortable and never will be. It is not a pose for me. On the other hand I love the pose that involves holding my toes and stretching my legs up, balancing on my behind. I laugh at myself as I wobble over and fall backwards. Today I was impressed with myself as I managed to hold that pose for much longer before enjoying a wobble.
Other people's emotions have swamped me in recent years. In my work my boundaries were often blurred and I was overwhelmed by the problems of others. I just seemed to soak up all the negative emotions. I started to feel hopeless. I couldn't help other people any longer as I was so completely blocked emotionally. I had lost my power, my identity, and my sense of worth. I felt only shame. I started to shut my own emotions down and focused on those of others. My own emotions either overwhelmed me or were closed down. I started to isolate myself on many different levels.
Never apologize for showing feeling. When you do so, you apologize for the truth. ~Benjamin Disraeli
There is control in FLOW. Not the tight control of the shoulds, the
musts or the mustn'ts. Not the control that shame forces on you, where
you are afraid to show yourself. Flow is moving freely, following a channel. One of mindfulness, self-awareness, self-regulation and the claiming back of one's own power. Our emotions are not my ememies nor are they our rulers. It's time to make friends with my emotions.
Letting go involves holding on. Being out of control is not letting go. Getting to know my body, joy, fun and laughter.......these are the keys......I am flowing, I am noticing and tending to the stuck places.
The truest expression of a people is in its dance and in its music. Bodies never lie.
~Agnes de Mille
