Help Alice reach her bucket list goals - join the bone marrow register wherever you are in the world.

 

I logged on to blogger tonight and top of my blog reading list was Alice Pyne asking for help in memory of her friend Ollie who she says died last year.

If you are on twitter then she is asking for everyone to tweet using the hashtag #onelifeliveit to help her raise awareness of her blog and her bucket list. Top of the list is to get everyone she can to join bone marrow registers around the world, to help people like Ollie and like her.

I'm going along on Friday to start giving blood again. Here in the UK you can join the register when you next or first give blood.

Hello World.

Nothing much to report here....except that..

 

grouchiness and negativity threaten to take away the me I know and love.

 

I am very tired and work is too busy.

 

I am drowning!

 

So I'm sticking my head out here to remind myself,

 

that you are all out there feeling tired and overwhelmed too;

 

and to remind myself to be grateful for.....

 

- evening walks

 

- visits from a happy sister telling tales of  new homes, granddaughter's graduations and job interviews

 

- witnessing love and compassion in action this week

 

- family smiles; warmth  and safety

 

- choices

 

- Winter Jasmine flowering bright yellow outside our kitchen window.



What made me smile today.

Taking Lana's advice. Remembering to breathe and touch base with something or someone that makes me smile. I love the way she lies there with her little white socks in the air.

When will we ever learn?

How many times have the Palestinian people been here?

How many times have human beings been here?

Sir Gerald Kaufman, the veteran Labour MP, speaking in 2009 when he compared the actions of Israeli troops in Gaza to the Nazis who forced his family to flee Poland. That cannot have been something he spoke of lightly I am sure. He also speaks of Hamas as a deeply nasty organisation but stressed the need to make peace by talking to your enemies.

Keep Taking the Tablets

Or in my case, start taking the tablets.

I've been using Grey's Anatomy series five to stay ok this week(and for the past few weeks). I switch it on and dive in. It helps. Apart from the odd mind wandering and inability to focus, I manage to stay with the story line. Then when the episode is over I put on another one. I reached the end of the season on Thursday. I don't have any more. Withdrawal has kicked in.

It's the only thing that soothes me right now, apart from sunsets and rainbows(but I haven't got the energy to go out to see them). When I'm not at work, I'm either still working; worrying about work;  slumped on the sofa; trying to sleep; drinking tea at 3am; or aimlessly clicking on the Internet looking for an escape. I'm overwhelmed again. I'm not sleeping good. Last night was the worst. I hardly slept at all.

This morning and last night I thought "Just give me some tablets that will stop me being me. I just want it to stop. I want an easy way to continue existing."

 There are tablets I can take. I have some on the top of the fridge. I just don't take them. Then it gets so bad I just want to pop a pill that will stop me being me.

Me lately. Grouchy, difficult, shrill and emotional. Opinionated, on alert for a fight, hyperactive, workaholic, unpleasant, unfocused, dissatisfied, tired, disillusioned, searching. Lonely. Sad. Regretful. Whingey. Whiny.

Me how I used to be. Afraid, frozen, sad, lonely. Unable to speak. In pain. Quiet. Guilty. Searching. Unfocused. Opinionated. Workaholic. Tired. Hopeful. Whingey. Whiny.

Lately, hopeful seems to have disappeared.

Lately, I just can't stop my mouth from opening up and saying everything I am feeling. I am always trying to communicate in the world and it's not working so well. That's nothing new, it's never really worked that well; however these days I am offending more people. Like a toddler tantruming!

I just feel like the worst person today, because yesterday I probably upset my line manager (and she is a nice person who means well and knows her stuff and in addition she is ill).

"Seek first to understand, then to be understood." 

Stephen R Covey

This is difficult for me. I'm working it out still. I feel angry at the world and like a child am blaming everyone else. So I want some tablets to make me into someone else please. Someone that others understand. Someone that understands others. Isn't it time I got myself sorted? How old am I? How unpleasant am I? How often do I fall into old patterns of thinking and behaviour? Can I have some grow up and suck it up tablets please?

Grey's Anatomy, sunsets, rainbows and blogging. Oh and REST. Yes rest might help.

Maybe I just need to be still, calm and listen more? Maybe I just need to stop it with the focus on me, me, me. Maybe I need to get out more?

"Effective listeners remember that "words have no meaning - people have meaning." The assignment of meaning to a term is an internal process; meaning comes from inside us. And although our experiences, knowledge and attitudes differ, we often misinterpret each other’s messages while under the illusion that a common understanding has been achieved." 

Larry Barker

"An essential part of true listening is the discipline of bracketing, the temporary giving up or setting aside of one's own prejudices, frames of reference and desires so as to experience as far as possible the speaker's world from the inside, step in inside his or her shoes. This unification of speaker and listener is actually and extension and enlargement of ourselves, and new knowledge is always gained from this. Moreover, since true listening involves bracketing, a setting aside of the self, it also temporarily involves a total acceptance of the other. Sensing this acceptance, the speaker will fell less and less vulnerable and more and more inclined to open up the inner recesses of his or her mind to the listener. As this happens, speaker and listener begin to appreciate each other more and more, and the duet dance of love is begun again."

M Scott Peck MD

"Listening looks easy, but it's not simple. Every head is a world."

Cuban Proverb

Balance again. Blogging it out. Time to reflect away from the very busy and demanding working week. A lull in the anxiety about family. Acceptance of where I am and what is happening. 

Maybe the tablets will stay on the top of the fridge once again. Imperfect me is here to stay. She is working it out everyday and sometimes she gets it wrong. Sometimes she is overwhelmed. Like everyone. There is no tablet needed for being human. I don't need to numb. I am alive. This is how it is.

Here is the end of episode 13, one of two of my favourite episodes(episode 12 is my other favourite).I cried nearly all the way through both of them. I am crying at the news today. 

The music is "Drifting Further Away," by Powderfinger and the lyrics are a good end to this post. Let's not allow each other to drift away. Let's look after each other. I'm off now to ensure my wallowing does not add to the problems in the world. I am off to be shaken. Take care. I love you.

Silent Sunday

Balance

“You never really know a man until you understand things from his point of view, until you climb into his skin and walk around in it.”

Harper Lee. To Kill a Mockingbird.

As some of you will already know, I do not follow a particular religion. I have posted before about how I often wish I had a strong faith. The religion I feel most aligned with is that of Buddhism, however as a child growing up in the UK I went to Christian Sunday School, and of course attended daily Christian worship as part of my education. So I have been close to Christian teaching and thinking all of my life. It is embedded in UK society whether we notice it is there or not.

Something in my character has always driven me to try to be as balanced, and as fair in my thinking as possible. I work to develop awareness of where I might be overly judgemental, or unbalanced in my thinking. It seems to come "easy" for me to feel compassion for most every human. I almost cannot do otherwise. I try to separate the behaviour from the person, perhaps at times in the past this has led to me making excuses for people's behaviour or has led to others labelling me as "unassertive". I have had to work on remaining compassionate whilst still being able to express my dislike or disagreement. I have had to work on remaining compassionate but on setting boundaries for others and myself.

It is important to me to understand how someone has reached the point at which they find themselves, and to put myself in their shoes. I do not always succeed of course, many times I fall short and have to bring myself back to mindfulness. I am always thinking and questioning - far too much sometimes it nearly drives me mad! Of course I am subject to bias like anyone else, and will set against someone's opinions too easily sometimes if they do not align with mine. I will ignore the facts if they do not agree with my view, and I will argue black is white sometimes, even if I can see someone else may have a point! I'm human in other words! I'm opinionated, fiesty, and I have an ego which if left to it's own devices can get out of control.

So after my post last week about where things are now for people who are gay or transgendered in our society, and about the responsibility of leaders to increase understanding and compassion amongst different groups; I thought long and hard about whether my post would cause offence to those I regard as friends here.

That's not why I haven't posted by the way. It's been a busy week, very busy.

I was a little worried about the absence of comments. However I had also been worried about being attacked via comments too, so it was a relief that nothing happened of that sort. Silence is much more preferable than an attack. My post was not meant to be attacking of Christianity or Christian beliefs. I respect everyone's right to hold their particular belief, but struggle with any sort of fundamentalism or rigid interpretation of rules that were written down thousands of years ago. Equally so whichever religion it is that is showing it's rigidity, doing harm, or demonstrating lack of compassion and understanding.

So this week I was cheered when I saw the BBC news article about the new Archbishop of Canterbury being named as Justin Welby. A feeling of optimism and hope was raised when I briefly heard some of his words.

 On the issue of same-sex marriage he said he had to examine his own thinking "carefully and prayerfully..........

His appointment comes as the Church of England faces controversial issues, including a vote in 10 days' time on ordaining women bishops.

"I will be voting in favour and join my voice to many others in urging the synod to go forward with this change," he said. He also said the Church faced deep differences on the issue of same-sex marriage.

"It is absolutely right for the state to define the rights and status of people cohabiting in different forms of relationships, including civil partnerships," he said. "We must have no truck with any form of homophobia in any part of the Church. The Church of England is part of the worldwide Church, and has responsibilities that come from those links. What the Church does here deeply affects the already greatly suffering churches in places... like Nigeria."He added: "I am always averse to the language of exclusion, when what we are called to is to love in the same way as Jesus Christ loves us. Above all in the Church we need to create safe spaces for these issues to be discussed in honesty and in love."

 Quoted from the BBC article above.

I feel that this is a leader who will help to bring some balance to the more extreme thinking which characterises some Christian groups and leaders. Of course I am aware that there are divisions within the Church of England and that some groups will not accept this more balanced and responsible voice, however it did bring some cheer amidst my concerns. 

In The News Last Sunday - Being Gay

On Sunday morning, I watched a much criticised debating show on the television. It follows straight on from a politics show which I like; and as I do so much reading during the week, I tend to have substituted these for reading a newspaper lately.

Most weeks I will turn off the second program in a rage at opposing and(from my perspective) bigoted, often dangerous opinions. Age has helped me learn that there is no point trying to persuade or reason with some people, it's best just to express your view and then walk away. So I turn it off.

I turned it off this week when a otherwise pleasant enough woman said this...

"......it is almost compulsory to be gay these days."

Errr? What? No. Stop it. Just stop being so ridiculous!

Now I cannot begin to put together any sort of argument against this right now. It is late. Well it's only 9pm, but the day has been busy; my head is a little bit mashed and the rest of the week looms. I am afraid I might tire myself in my exertions. Howver I just have to write this post, poorly put together or not. Emotional and reactionary or not.

The nice, smiley, jolly lady, was objecting to Stonewall's use of the word bigot, or more specifically their Award of Bigot of the Year being given to Cardinal Keith O'Brien for expressing what many gay people found offensive views on gay marriage earlier this year. I also find his views offensive and dangerous. As the parent of a wonderful human being who just happens to be gay, I value the freedom that he has. I in no way take this for granted. It has been a hard journey for him through his teens and young adulthood. The freedoms I am so thankful for have been hard fought for by others who have gone before him. What I am very conscious of, is that despite all that my son now has in the way of freedoms, there are still very dangerous fanatics out there who would hurt him and restrict his freedom, who would like LGBT people to simply not exist!

Whilst I agree with some critics of Stonewall, that the use of name calling to make a point is often counterproductive, resulting in knee-jerk reactions like the one from the lady above. In this case I feel that this award highlights what those who are working for equality and for justice are up against.

Currently Stonewall are being labelled bigoted bullies. I disagree. How can they be labelled as such when the Cardinal uses such damaging language against a group of other human beings. We do not need church leaders to be fuelling prejudice and fear, there is already much of this still existing in our society and around the world. Stonewall speak for their members and they need to be heard. The Cardinal speaks for some members of his church but not all. Stonewall are not fuelling prejudice and hate. As a Christian leader the Cardinal has a responsibility to speak carefully, in ways that do not add to the prejudice that gay people all over the world still suffer.

The initial finding of a research study into the lives of LGBT young people were published in a report lat week by Youth Chances. Initial finding indicate that one in four gay young people have been assaulted because of their sexuality; and the rates of self-harming in LGBT young people are significantly higher than the national average of one in twelve. The researchers are suggesting that despite Britain being way ahead of other countries on gay rights; prejudice and bullying are still a huge problem. A survey by Stonewall has previously found that one in six people in this country have a "low" opinion of gay people.

We have come a long way since the brilliant Alan Turing was driven to commit suicide. After being convicted of gross indecency at a time when any act of sex between two men was a criminal offence, it was just too hard for him to carry on.

........Mr Turing was left with two options – jail or chemical castration. He chose the latter and was given oestrogen hormone injections, widely believed to have led to his death. Two years after the conviction, aged just 41, the great mathematician died of cyanide poisoning. A bitten apple was found lying next to the dead body.

from: The battle to pardon Alan Turing 

Last year a petition asking for a pardon for Alan Turing, which had more than 23,000 signatures, was rejected by the government. The writer expresses so eloquently what a pardon would mean for gay people today: 

The petition has a wider scope and carries a deeper significance than simply a battle for the rights of a single individual. It seeks to acknowledge the severity of past perceptions and the suffering those attitudes can lead to.

The life and reputation of a great scientist have been ruined because of his sexuality. And while we have made giant strides in the right direction when it comes to the rights lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender people, there is still a long way to go before eradicating prejudice and homophobia in the UK and globally.

Mr Leech believes that Mr Turing’s case has not only a national but also an international significance and can set an example for many countries that still consider homosexuality a criminal offence.

“If we wipe these convictions off our record and do pardon people who have been convicted, this gives a stronger voice in tackling homophobia, in tackling unfair treatment of homosexuals, whether in his country or abroad,” Mr Leech said.

According to Stonewall, over 70 countries still criminalise same-sex relationships.

 A subject barely touched upon anywhere in mainstream society, I was interested to see this part of LGBT history highlighted in the mainstream TV drama series Downton Abbey , also shown on Sunday funnily enough. The programme also mentions Oscar Wilde also imprisoned for gross indecency and sodomy.

Unlike the lady I quote above I feel that LGBT history and current issues are sadly neglected in the media. Mainstream news reports on Sunday did not mention the report findings about young people, or indeed this much more positive news item,  The Pink List; which is a list of fabulous role models who just happen to be LGBT. You would think that it would be seen as important to give air time to this list, to celebrate the brave people who are out there achieving wonderful and inspiring things despite the prejudice and bullying that still exists. It would give our LGBT young people hope to help them get through the dark days, and equally importantly it may help to educate and to change attitudes.

The lady was worried that "It is almost compulsory to be gay these days". No. For her and many others, they would rather LGBT people would just hide in the corner in shame as they had to do in Alan Turing's time. Times have changed and for the better. LGBT equality is not to blame for the ills of society. It's a little bit more complex than that. 

There. Finished. Yawn. Goodnight and thank you.

Winter's coming! Bring out the soup. Thinking about food and about having enough..

This was my car window on Friday morning when I left for work. All of a sudden the weather seems to have turned bitterly cold. This was a little of the hail that lay quite thick on the ground on Friday in some places. The last few days in other area (not here), they have had snow. Even without the snow, it's been cold enough for gloves, hats and scarves. I even said yesterday that I might treat myself to some thermals. Yes I know we in the UK are very soft when it comes to the cold winter weather. It's mild here throughout winter in comparison with some other places. However my bones are cold this weekend, so I spent today making two different soups for the week's lunches and teas.

Hail - 2nd November 2012

The first was a lovely green colour which looks very vibrant and health-inducing for the start of winter. Using up some left over spinach, potato, broccoli and fine beans was easy enough, though I'm not sure it will be so easy eating it. I have a bit of an aversion to green liquids, but as it is packed full of goodness I will do my best to have at least one bowl. If I sprinkle some goats cheese onto the top that might help.

Spinach and Potato Soup - Nov 2012

Pretty green speckles - November 2012

The second soup was made with Butternut squash, tomato and chilli; so is a very orangey-red colour. Very tasty and warming indeed! The cupboards and fridge are stocked ready for the week ahead whatever it may bring.

I was reminded as I typed this about 9 year old Martha Payne and her recent visit to the children of Malawi to see how her blogging and fund raising, has provided one meal a day in school for 10,000 children so far. In this part of the documentary we see Martha think hard about the question asked of her about what it would be like to eat porridge everyday. Like Martha I was also reminded of just how much choice and variety most of us in the West have. I am wondering if I could be disciplined enough to eat one meal a day for a week. I am also thinking of those who live here, who do not have enough to eat and are finding it hard to afford to heat their homes properly.

It was so wonderful to see the children receiving those school bags full of goodies. Delight over pens and other basic items that again we take for granted. I was heartbroken to see the little girl who was late and didn't receive a gift. It clearly meant so much to her.

Donations can still be made at Never Seconds Just Giving Page.

November Skies

On the drive home - 1st November 2012

stopping by the side of the road

cars fly by 

 heading home

felt more than seen

car windows open

breathing in the damp air

watching the skies

still

dark on light

the brightest white

peeps through a mix of blue

an endless sky swamps this darkening earth

Today is the first ever mindful writing day so I took some time out of my day just to stop, pay attention and feel alive. These skies look even better if you click on them to view them in larger view.