Goodbye to 2012

Sunset - 31st December 2012

Happy New Year's Eve. 

Wishing you a happy and healthy 2013.

A belated Happy Christmas

I've been rather quiet this Christmas season here on the blog. It's been hard to put into words how I am feeling, or even to put anything about anything into words here on the blog. I've been thinking of you all though and wishing you peace, love and joy.

I am still feeling quiet and so very,very grateful, as we move into the last day of the year. A couple of days before Christmas Eve this feeling of gratitude and thankfulness started; the realisation come over me of how thankful I was that we three here at Stayingawake Towers had survived the onslaught that 2012 brought. We are all in one piece. We are still strong and steady people. No matter how hard continuing on seems sometimes, and how tired we are, we are so very grateful to have made it to share this particular Christmas together. We are very grateful too that our visitor came to see us at last in August and that Mr Stayingawake has now renewed his relationship with his lovely daughter.

I wanted to send my blessings to you all out there in blogland; and I hope that you have had a peaceful and loving Christmas with your families and friends. Before the New Year's celebrations begin I want to belatedly share a Christmas Carol which became my favourite this year. I've never really had a favourite Carol before.

This one became my favourite when I listened to it being sung by a local choir a week before Christmas. I watched one particular choir member's face, watching her and listening to the words helped me think about the children and families in Newtown; those suffering violence or abuse; and those in countries where war and conflict are daily occurrences.The lyrics help me learn how to continue living with hope, when such terrible things are happening in our world everyday.

Just after Christmas I found this little girl, Rhema Marvanne singing it. She sings so beautifully and I hope you enjoy listening and watching her too.

Happy belated Christmas greetings.

Believe #adventwindows #reverb12 Day 5

#Adventwindows: 
December 5th my word of the day was "believe".

“Because,” explained Mary Rommely simply, “the child must have a valuable thing which is called imagination. The child must have a secret world in which live things that never were. It is necessary that she believe. She must start out by believing in things not of this world. Then when the world becomes too ugly for living in, the child can reach back and live in her imagination. I, myself, even in this day and at my age, have great need of recalling the miraculous lives of the Saints and the great miracles that have come to pass on earth. Only by having these things in my mind can I live beyond what I have to live for.”
- Betty Smith, A Tree Grows in Brooklyn

I believe in woman like Rafea . She makes my heart glad. At the end of the documentary where she is fixing the "first solar powered electric light in Jordan" into her house and her daughter is reading the text book which Rafea studied at the "Barefoot College", I am filled with hope for all our children's futures. You can watch the whole documentary here or here.

#Reverb12 prompt 5: What was your dream destination of 2012? 
Myself and my son went to the MEN arena in Manchester in the summer. The Dalai Lama was visiting the UK and I bought tickets to hear him speak to the young people here. I always dreamt I might visit Tibet one day, and maybe see the places where the Dalai Lama lived before he was in exile. I never imagined I might hear him speak, and also be sitting next to my dear son when I did so! It was such an honour to listen to him speak to the young people, my son included. I also never imagined I would be seeing the comedian and actor Russell Brand on the same stage as the Dalai Lama. It was just perfect however! This young girl was also very inspiring in her film about forgiveness, following the loss of her father.

Stand Up and Be The Change - Manchester MEN Arena June 2012

Search #Adventwindows Saturday 8th December

Missing: 

49 year old female blogger, Jan, who blogs at "Stayingawake". 

Last seen in the bath on Monday 3rd of December 2012 after she reported some overwhelm. Previously she has often been seen in blogland searching for her funny bone, self-belief and self-compassion. Can be known to struggle with work-life balance, and also with the ability to take herself less seriously. If found please return to her family and cats, who love her very much indeed.

Soak #adventwindows

December 3rd: Today's Word.......

“We’re not here to leave a mark, bro. Monuments, legacies, marks - that’s where we always go wrong.
We’re here to revel in the world, to soak in the awesomeness of it, to enjoy the ride. The world’s maximum perfect as it is, beauty from horizon to horizon. Any mark any of us tries to leave - hell, it’s only graffiti. Any mark anyone leaves is no better than vandalism." 

- Dean Koontz

Two days later I am still soaking in that bath.

Eliminate. #adventwindows #reverb12

"You have to choose where you look and in making that choice you eliminate entire worlds."

Barbara Bloom

December 2nd: Eliminate. 

My #adventwindows word for today was eliminate. How amazing that this word should show up today after a few days of overindulgence following our good news on Thursday. No I am not ill and confined to the bathroom, don't worry! I am simply over-full of food and drink; very full indeed, in fact bloated and uncomfortable. For a whole month I haven't been drinking alcohol, and have been watching what I eat most carefully.

So, eliminate? It makes me think of a dalek, "ExTerRrrMinAtinG!"

 My 49 year old tummy is not able to eat or drink as it once did, it is complaining. So when I awoke this morning with an older, and much less tolerant tummy reminding me that I ate too much last night, I looked around for someone else to blame for our troubles. Mr Stayingawake was an ideal candidate. He did the shopping this week, so I had already moaned at him yesterday about buying too much; and about how we really did not need all that food in the cupboards. Mr Stayingawake has been buying food like we are about to be under house arrest for six months. I don't know what has got into him. It's driving me mad. I have an uneasy relationship with food and my weight; so on Sunday morning when I felt unhappy with my tummy, I turned it round and accused him of not helping me lose weight and stay healthy. Whilst there might be a little truth in this (Mr Stayingawake is not looking after himself very well right now and dislikes it if I try to encourage smaller portions and more exercise); I cannot really blame anyone else for eating or drinking too much except myself!

Mr S is all ready to decorate his cakes.

My bitter and complaining mood continued as I cleaned the cooker. Again Mr S was the object of my dissatisfaction. As he has been at home from work for four months he has been cooking most of the time, on some occasions baking tempting treats, including his favourite bread pudding which I really have no time for. I am not a very sweet tooth whereas he is. He has also been baking Christmas Cakes, at this time of year he enjoys using his Mum's recipe to make cakes as gifts for people. It makes him happy.

I found the pan in the cooker caked in a burned, and very sticky, black substance which did not want to come off. I mumbled to myself about how someone who cooks should be careful to clean sticky messes off the cooker instead of leaving it for the rest of us to do. (For anyone who read my post for Saturday and is thinking how quickly my mood has changed from one of positivity and good intentions - I actually wrote that post after I had been scrubbing for some hours on Sunday and just before this one.)

I had also gotten myself all worked up about Mr S going away at the weekend. Whilst working it all out on my knees in front of the cooker, I reminded myself of how often I swan off on my own, and decided that I was just being silly.

So the hours of scrubbing helped me work a few things out, as did finding the advent windows project. It is just what I need for December. The ebook asks us to reflect during the day with our word in mind, on four questions: 

The first question is about self-care and how the word ushers this in. That's an easy one to answer, self-care means elimination of fearful thinking, resentment, and other unhealthy habits.

The second question is about how the word brings the fresh breeze of internal peace. I decided during the writing of yesterday's post, that now is the time to really move my attention away from lack and fear; and towards joy, the savouring of what I already have, and to gratitude.

The third question is about how the word gives me eyes and ears to celebrate a season of wonder: today I reflect on how I have learned to appreciate my home, with it's warmth and love, and also the order and chaos which arrives at our door in equal measure.

The fourth questions asks about any secret messages or gifts that the word has for you today: the word encourages me to savour, to show compassion, and to smile at myself. it helps me to find a way to work it all out and stay connected.

"The ability to simplify means to eliminate the unnecessary so that the necessary may speak."

Hans Hofmann

Reverb12 prompt for today: What was your most significant purchase this year?

In September I helped my son buy thank you gifts for three of the people who had stood by him during the awful months from April to end of August, when he was dealing with a situation that in his words threatened to  "swallow up his life".

These were my most significant purchases, it was important for me to thank them in this way. To mark their belief in him in some small way. Their belief in him and that of many others, kept us going when life seemed to be the darkest it has ever been. Their beautiful words about his character, and their friendships to him will be something for which I will always be immensely grateful.

Thank you to those lovely people for their presence in my son's life. 

Breathe #adventwindows #reverb12

First Snow - 29th November 2012

December 1st. Breathe.
Today my first Advent Window was opened to reveal the word breathe. As I start into December I am glad that today is a Saturday, as it gives me chance to welcome the last month of the year with the attention it deserves. As I clean out my kitchen cupboards today, I am listening to the radio and occasionally break into dance; most enjoyable; completely spontaneous; compulsive; and thankfully unseen by human eye. Cleaning and dancing are helping me breathe again today. I wrote a poem in my journal about the scene above and how it helped me to breathe, to slow down and savour the gift of life. I am clearing a space within myself, and welcoming back the joy of being alive. I am welcoming back my own sweet self. I am welcoming myself back with love and care.

Reverb12 prompt for today: How are you starting?
I start December with the awareness that the overwhelm must stop right now. Seven months of stress has now begun to impact on my health. I am working like I've never worked before in my day job, and also have over committed myself by agreeing to complete a course for work. I am not sleeping and I do not appear to have one free moment to breathe at all. So I begin by saying "enough". I am doing enough. There is no need to fear. I am doing the best I can. I am beginning by letting go of the fighting, struggling and the anger.I am beginning by allowing myself to fail. I am making time to clear a space; to breathe; to clear my mind of worry. I begin with some reconnection with myself through the ritual of Mandy's Advent Windows. By using each of the words she provides, and also Kat's reverb prompts, I am all set to make a stab at art journaling again. I begin with the thankfulness that for now another storm has passed. I begin with the lesson that fear is not needed right now, the danger is passed, fear serves no purpose now and cannot be allowed to tarnish the joys, the love, the moments. I begin by making time and space for self-care and reflection. I begin by honouring my sisters, I will take care with you, and with you, and with me. I begin by accepting what you can give to me and what I can learn from you. I have closed myself off. I am able to give but it has often been hard for me to recieve. I begin by re-opening my mind and heart. I begin with the recognition once again, of how full of gifts my life is; when I leave fear behind, and when I stop the lack from looking bigger than it really is. I begin by cherishing my family, my home and the wonder and miracle of life.

Moonwalk

29.11.12

I don't know if I typed here about how Mr Stayingawake lost his job. It was all a bit much after the other situation we also had going on here between April and August, so I may not have gone into detail here.

Anyway, the long and short is that he has been appealing unfair dismissal, and was notified on Thursday that he had won his appeal(with conditions), and can go back to work.

You can imagine our relief, mixed with apprehension about his going back.

Thursday night however we went out to celebrate and walked back under the light of the moon. In the moment we certainly were that evening, just walking along under the night skies and fully appreciative of the miracle that is the universe and beyond.

You know that feeling, I'm sure you know it, when you would like to just stay in that moment forever.....

Moon in a sea of clouds - 29.11.12

Help Alice reach her bucket list goals - join the bone marrow register wherever you are in the world.

 

I logged on to blogger tonight and top of my blog reading list was Alice Pyne asking for help in memory of her friend Ollie who she says died last year.

If you are on twitter then she is asking for everyone to tweet using the hashtag #onelifeliveit to help her raise awareness of her blog and her bucket list. Top of the list is to get everyone she can to join bone marrow registers around the world, to help people like Ollie and like her.

I'm going along on Friday to start giving blood again. Here in the UK you can join the register when you next or first give blood.

Hello World.

Nothing much to report here....except that..

 

grouchiness and negativity threaten to take away the me I know and love.

 

I am very tired and work is too busy.

 

I am drowning!

 

So I'm sticking my head out here to remind myself,

 

that you are all out there feeling tired and overwhelmed too;

 

and to remind myself to be grateful for.....

 

- evening walks

 

- visits from a happy sister telling tales of  new homes, granddaughter's graduations and job interviews

 

- witnessing love and compassion in action this week

 

- family smiles; warmth  and safety

 

- choices

 

- Winter Jasmine flowering bright yellow outside our kitchen window.



What made me smile today.

Taking Lana's advice. Remembering to breathe and touch base with something or someone that makes me smile. I love the way she lies there with her little white socks in the air.

When will we ever learn?

How many times have the Palestinian people been here?

How many times have human beings been here?

Sir Gerald Kaufman, the veteran Labour MP, speaking in 2009 when he compared the actions of Israeli troops in Gaza to the Nazis who forced his family to flee Poland. That cannot have been something he spoke of lightly I am sure. He also speaks of Hamas as a deeply nasty organisation but stressed the need to make peace by talking to your enemies.

Keep Taking the Tablets

Or in my case, start taking the tablets.

I've been using Grey's Anatomy series five to stay ok this week(and for the past few weeks). I switch it on and dive in. It helps. Apart from the odd mind wandering and inability to focus, I manage to stay with the story line. Then when the episode is over I put on another one. I reached the end of the season on Thursday. I don't have any more. Withdrawal has kicked in.

It's the only thing that soothes me right now, apart from sunsets and rainbows(but I haven't got the energy to go out to see them). When I'm not at work, I'm either still working; worrying about work;  slumped on the sofa; trying to sleep; drinking tea at 3am; or aimlessly clicking on the Internet looking for an escape. I'm overwhelmed again. I'm not sleeping good. Last night was the worst. I hardly slept at all.

This morning and last night I thought "Just give me some tablets that will stop me being me. I just want it to stop. I want an easy way to continue existing."

 There are tablets I can take. I have some on the top of the fridge. I just don't take them. Then it gets so bad I just want to pop a pill that will stop me being me.

Me lately. Grouchy, difficult, shrill and emotional. Opinionated, on alert for a fight, hyperactive, workaholic, unpleasant, unfocused, dissatisfied, tired, disillusioned, searching. Lonely. Sad. Regretful. Whingey. Whiny.

Me how I used to be. Afraid, frozen, sad, lonely. Unable to speak. In pain. Quiet. Guilty. Searching. Unfocused. Opinionated. Workaholic. Tired. Hopeful. Whingey. Whiny.

Lately, hopeful seems to have disappeared.

Lately, I just can't stop my mouth from opening up and saying everything I am feeling. I am always trying to communicate in the world and it's not working so well. That's nothing new, it's never really worked that well; however these days I am offending more people. Like a toddler tantruming!

I just feel like the worst person today, because yesterday I probably upset my line manager (and she is a nice person who means well and knows her stuff and in addition she is ill).

"Seek first to understand, then to be understood." 

Stephen R Covey

This is difficult for me. I'm working it out still. I feel angry at the world and like a child am blaming everyone else. So I want some tablets to make me into someone else please. Someone that others understand. Someone that understands others. Isn't it time I got myself sorted? How old am I? How unpleasant am I? How often do I fall into old patterns of thinking and behaviour? Can I have some grow up and suck it up tablets please?

Grey's Anatomy, sunsets, rainbows and blogging. Oh and REST. Yes rest might help.

Maybe I just need to be still, calm and listen more? Maybe I just need to stop it with the focus on me, me, me. Maybe I need to get out more?

"Effective listeners remember that "words have no meaning - people have meaning." The assignment of meaning to a term is an internal process; meaning comes from inside us. And although our experiences, knowledge and attitudes differ, we often misinterpret each other’s messages while under the illusion that a common understanding has been achieved." 

Larry Barker

"An essential part of true listening is the discipline of bracketing, the temporary giving up or setting aside of one's own prejudices, frames of reference and desires so as to experience as far as possible the speaker's world from the inside, step in inside his or her shoes. This unification of speaker and listener is actually and extension and enlargement of ourselves, and new knowledge is always gained from this. Moreover, since true listening involves bracketing, a setting aside of the self, it also temporarily involves a total acceptance of the other. Sensing this acceptance, the speaker will fell less and less vulnerable and more and more inclined to open up the inner recesses of his or her mind to the listener. As this happens, speaker and listener begin to appreciate each other more and more, and the duet dance of love is begun again."

M Scott Peck MD

"Listening looks easy, but it's not simple. Every head is a world."

Cuban Proverb

Balance again. Blogging it out. Time to reflect away from the very busy and demanding working week. A lull in the anxiety about family. Acceptance of where I am and what is happening. 

Maybe the tablets will stay on the top of the fridge once again. Imperfect me is here to stay. She is working it out everyday and sometimes she gets it wrong. Sometimes she is overwhelmed. Like everyone. There is no tablet needed for being human. I don't need to numb. I am alive. This is how it is.

Here is the end of episode 13, one of two of my favourite episodes(episode 12 is my other favourite).I cried nearly all the way through both of them. I am crying at the news today. 

The music is "Drifting Further Away," by Powderfinger and the lyrics are a good end to this post. Let's not allow each other to drift away. Let's look after each other. I'm off now to ensure my wallowing does not add to the problems in the world. I am off to be shaken. Take care. I love you.

Silent Sunday

Balance

“You never really know a man until you understand things from his point of view, until you climb into his skin and walk around in it.”

Harper Lee. To Kill a Mockingbird.

As some of you will already know, I do not follow a particular religion. I have posted before about how I often wish I had a strong faith. The religion I feel most aligned with is that of Buddhism, however as a child growing up in the UK I went to Christian Sunday School, and of course attended daily Christian worship as part of my education. So I have been close to Christian teaching and thinking all of my life. It is embedded in UK society whether we notice it is there or not.

Something in my character has always driven me to try to be as balanced, and as fair in my thinking as possible. I work to develop awareness of where I might be overly judgemental, or unbalanced in my thinking. It seems to come "easy" for me to feel compassion for most every human. I almost cannot do otherwise. I try to separate the behaviour from the person, perhaps at times in the past this has led to me making excuses for people's behaviour or has led to others labelling me as "unassertive". I have had to work on remaining compassionate whilst still being able to express my dislike or disagreement. I have had to work on remaining compassionate but on setting boundaries for others and myself.

It is important to me to understand how someone has reached the point at which they find themselves, and to put myself in their shoes. I do not always succeed of course, many times I fall short and have to bring myself back to mindfulness. I am always thinking and questioning - far too much sometimes it nearly drives me mad! Of course I am subject to bias like anyone else, and will set against someone's opinions too easily sometimes if they do not align with mine. I will ignore the facts if they do not agree with my view, and I will argue black is white sometimes, even if I can see someone else may have a point! I'm human in other words! I'm opinionated, fiesty, and I have an ego which if left to it's own devices can get out of control.

So after my post last week about where things are now for people who are gay or transgendered in our society, and about the responsibility of leaders to increase understanding and compassion amongst different groups; I thought long and hard about whether my post would cause offence to those I regard as friends here.

That's not why I haven't posted by the way. It's been a busy week, very busy.

I was a little worried about the absence of comments. However I had also been worried about being attacked via comments too, so it was a relief that nothing happened of that sort. Silence is much more preferable than an attack. My post was not meant to be attacking of Christianity or Christian beliefs. I respect everyone's right to hold their particular belief, but struggle with any sort of fundamentalism or rigid interpretation of rules that were written down thousands of years ago. Equally so whichever religion it is that is showing it's rigidity, doing harm, or demonstrating lack of compassion and understanding.

So this week I was cheered when I saw the BBC news article about the new Archbishop of Canterbury being named as Justin Welby. A feeling of optimism and hope was raised when I briefly heard some of his words.

 On the issue of same-sex marriage he said he had to examine his own thinking "carefully and prayerfully..........

His appointment comes as the Church of England faces controversial issues, including a vote in 10 days' time on ordaining women bishops.

"I will be voting in favour and join my voice to many others in urging the synod to go forward with this change," he said. He also said the Church faced deep differences on the issue of same-sex marriage.

"It is absolutely right for the state to define the rights and status of people cohabiting in different forms of relationships, including civil partnerships," he said. "We must have no truck with any form of homophobia in any part of the Church. The Church of England is part of the worldwide Church, and has responsibilities that come from those links. What the Church does here deeply affects the already greatly suffering churches in places... like Nigeria."He added: "I am always averse to the language of exclusion, when what we are called to is to love in the same way as Jesus Christ loves us. Above all in the Church we need to create safe spaces for these issues to be discussed in honesty and in love."

 Quoted from the BBC article above.

I feel that this is a leader who will help to bring some balance to the more extreme thinking which characterises some Christian groups and leaders. Of course I am aware that there are divisions within the Church of England and that some groups will not accept this more balanced and responsible voice, however it did bring some cheer amidst my concerns. 

In The News Last Sunday - Being Gay

On Sunday morning, I watched a much criticised debating show on the television. It follows straight on from a politics show which I like; and as I do so much reading during the week, I tend to have substituted these for reading a newspaper lately.

Most weeks I will turn off the second program in a rage at opposing and(from my perspective) bigoted, often dangerous opinions. Age has helped me learn that there is no point trying to persuade or reason with some people, it's best just to express your view and then walk away. So I turn it off.

I turned it off this week when a otherwise pleasant enough woman said this...

"......it is almost compulsory to be gay these days."

Errr? What? No. Stop it. Just stop being so ridiculous!

Now I cannot begin to put together any sort of argument against this right now. It is late. Well it's only 9pm, but the day has been busy; my head is a little bit mashed and the rest of the week looms. I am afraid I might tire myself in my exertions. Howver I just have to write this post, poorly put together or not. Emotional and reactionary or not.

The nice, smiley, jolly lady, was objecting to Stonewall's use of the word bigot, or more specifically their Award of Bigot of the Year being given to Cardinal Keith O'Brien for expressing what many gay people found offensive views on gay marriage earlier this year. I also find his views offensive and dangerous. As the parent of a wonderful human being who just happens to be gay, I value the freedom that he has. I in no way take this for granted. It has been a hard journey for him through his teens and young adulthood. The freedoms I am so thankful for have been hard fought for by others who have gone before him. What I am very conscious of, is that despite all that my son now has in the way of freedoms, there are still very dangerous fanatics out there who would hurt him and restrict his freedom, who would like LGBT people to simply not exist!

Whilst I agree with some critics of Stonewall, that the use of name calling to make a point is often counterproductive, resulting in knee-jerk reactions like the one from the lady above. In this case I feel that this award highlights what those who are working for equality and for justice are up against.

Currently Stonewall are being labelled bigoted bullies. I disagree. How can they be labelled as such when the Cardinal uses such damaging language against a group of other human beings. We do not need church leaders to be fuelling prejudice and fear, there is already much of this still existing in our society and around the world. Stonewall speak for their members and they need to be heard. The Cardinal speaks for some members of his church but not all. Stonewall are not fuelling prejudice and hate. As a Christian leader the Cardinal has a responsibility to speak carefully, in ways that do not add to the prejudice that gay people all over the world still suffer.

The initial finding of a research study into the lives of LGBT young people were published in a report lat week by Youth Chances. Initial finding indicate that one in four gay young people have been assaulted because of their sexuality; and the rates of self-harming in LGBT young people are significantly higher than the national average of one in twelve. The researchers are suggesting that despite Britain being way ahead of other countries on gay rights; prejudice and bullying are still a huge problem. A survey by Stonewall has previously found that one in six people in this country have a "low" opinion of gay people.

We have come a long way since the brilliant Alan Turing was driven to commit suicide. After being convicted of gross indecency at a time when any act of sex between two men was a criminal offence, it was just too hard for him to carry on.

........Mr Turing was left with two options – jail or chemical castration. He chose the latter and was given oestrogen hormone injections, widely believed to have led to his death. Two years after the conviction, aged just 41, the great mathematician died of cyanide poisoning. A bitten apple was found lying next to the dead body.

from: The battle to pardon Alan Turing 

Last year a petition asking for a pardon for Alan Turing, which had more than 23,000 signatures, was rejected by the government. The writer expresses so eloquently what a pardon would mean for gay people today: 

The petition has a wider scope and carries a deeper significance than simply a battle for the rights of a single individual. It seeks to acknowledge the severity of past perceptions and the suffering those attitudes can lead to.

The life and reputation of a great scientist have been ruined because of his sexuality. And while we have made giant strides in the right direction when it comes to the rights lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender people, there is still a long way to go before eradicating prejudice and homophobia in the UK and globally.

Mr Leech believes that Mr Turing’s case has not only a national but also an international significance and can set an example for many countries that still consider homosexuality a criminal offence.

“If we wipe these convictions off our record and do pardon people who have been convicted, this gives a stronger voice in tackling homophobia, in tackling unfair treatment of homosexuals, whether in his country or abroad,” Mr Leech said.

According to Stonewall, over 70 countries still criminalise same-sex relationships.

 A subject barely touched upon anywhere in mainstream society, I was interested to see this part of LGBT history highlighted in the mainstream TV drama series Downton Abbey , also shown on Sunday funnily enough. The programme also mentions Oscar Wilde also imprisoned for gross indecency and sodomy.

Unlike the lady I quote above I feel that LGBT history and current issues are sadly neglected in the media. Mainstream news reports on Sunday did not mention the report findings about young people, or indeed this much more positive news item,  The Pink List; which is a list of fabulous role models who just happen to be LGBT. You would think that it would be seen as important to give air time to this list, to celebrate the brave people who are out there achieving wonderful and inspiring things despite the prejudice and bullying that still exists. It would give our LGBT young people hope to help them get through the dark days, and equally importantly it may help to educate and to change attitudes.

The lady was worried that "It is almost compulsory to be gay these days". No. For her and many others, they would rather LGBT people would just hide in the corner in shame as they had to do in Alan Turing's time. Times have changed and for the better. LGBT equality is not to blame for the ills of society. It's a little bit more complex than that. 

There. Finished. Yawn. Goodnight and thank you.

Winter's coming! Bring out the soup. Thinking about food and about having enough..

This was my car window on Friday morning when I left for work. All of a sudden the weather seems to have turned bitterly cold. This was a little of the hail that lay quite thick on the ground on Friday in some places. The last few days in other area (not here), they have had snow. Even without the snow, it's been cold enough for gloves, hats and scarves. I even said yesterday that I might treat myself to some thermals. Yes I know we in the UK are very soft when it comes to the cold winter weather. It's mild here throughout winter in comparison with some other places. However my bones are cold this weekend, so I spent today making two different soups for the week's lunches and teas.

Hail - 2nd November 2012

The first was a lovely green colour which looks very vibrant and health-inducing for the start of winter. Using up some left over spinach, potato, broccoli and fine beans was easy enough, though I'm not sure it will be so easy eating it. I have a bit of an aversion to green liquids, but as it is packed full of goodness I will do my best to have at least one bowl. If I sprinkle some goats cheese onto the top that might help.

Spinach and Potato Soup - Nov 2012

Pretty green speckles - November 2012

The second soup was made with Butternut squash, tomato and chilli; so is a very orangey-red colour. Very tasty and warming indeed! The cupboards and fridge are stocked ready for the week ahead whatever it may bring.

I was reminded as I typed this about 9 year old Martha Payne and her recent visit to the children of Malawi to see how her blogging and fund raising, has provided one meal a day in school for 10,000 children so far. In this part of the documentary we see Martha think hard about the question asked of her about what it would be like to eat porridge everyday. Like Martha I was also reminded of just how much choice and variety most of us in the West have. I am wondering if I could be disciplined enough to eat one meal a day for a week. I am also thinking of those who live here, who do not have enough to eat and are finding it hard to afford to heat their homes properly.

It was so wonderful to see the children receiving those school bags full of goodies. Delight over pens and other basic items that again we take for granted. I was heartbroken to see the little girl who was late and didn't receive a gift. It clearly meant so much to her.

Donations can still be made at Never Seconds Just Giving Page.

November Skies

On the drive home - 1st November 2012

stopping by the side of the road

cars fly by 

 heading home

felt more than seen

car windows open

breathing in the damp air

watching the skies

still

dark on light

the brightest white

peeps through a mix of blue

an endless sky swamps this darkening earth

Today is the first ever mindful writing day so I took some time out of my day just to stop, pay attention and feel alive. These skies look even better if you click on them to view them in larger view.

Bye For Now October and Thanks For All of The Colour - Days 30 and 31 of 31 Days of Change.

As I sat in my car yesterday waiting for an appointment, there was time to reflect on the past month, and where I am now after 31 days(give or take) of blogging about change.

It's been a really useful and enlightening challenge, much has been going on internally which I wasn't fully aware of until yesterday.

I'm so glad I found the 31 days challenge, even if time has sometimes been short, meaning I didn't have as much chance to read other participants blogs as I would have liked.

When I started the month, I had toyed with the idea of starting November with a change of scene blogwise. One thing I have learned however during October, is that my time is scarce and so can be my energy levels. So I will not be creating a new space just yet. It is all I can do to fit in everything I love to do around my day job. Blogging everyday has been fun and manageable, so maybe I will continue to write here more regularly.

It seems as if this focus on change has brought some uncomfortable issues to the surface. I had intended the month to involve a little bit more laughter and more fun, but as the days went on and I became more tired after returning to work, it was harder to stay positive and feel as energised as I had at the beginning. The focus switched onto "why things are not changing when I am trying so hard?" It also switched onto "how can I do more of what I love and stay fit and full of energy?" " How can I shape my life to look more as I would like?"

I've been having a good hard look at "my story", and have come back to how I've always viewed my parents, and how this has affected how I have view myself. I'm now revisiting this change of perspective, and finding that whilst it still hurts, I am finding rich treasure in shaping a new story.

It was the words of Lemn Sissay in his video which I posted a few days ago, that really got me thinking about this. He said, "Looked after children do not deserve our pity they deserve our respect." I started thinking about how my history has shaped my attitudes to everything, but especially to other human beings.

Another change and one which I am really enjoying, is the recognition of how much more "myself" I feel these days. As my blogger friends will know, this is something I've been working hard at for some years now. I realised yesterday that although there is still some work left to do, I am so much nearer to filling my own skin; and that whilst it still feels awful sometimes, it's a different kind of awful. I still feel as if I am not seen some days, but I do not feel invisible anymore.

I am accepting the changes that have been forced upon us this year. I am accepting that loved ones have been hurt and are still very vulnerable. The change is that I feel there is hope again. Tiny specks of light in the distance, like glowing dandelion clocks drifting in the dark night sky. We can reach for them, and may catch hold of one for a moment; only for a moment before it floats away again. We know they are out there, and this brings comfort and allows trust.

Change is, that I remind myself everyday of how grateful I am. Autumn does help us remember this with it's glorious colour. Today I am grateful that I can stand amongst the leaves; that I can hear them crunching under my feet; that I enjoy doing new things; that I enjoy the time I have to savour new and more familiar things; and that I can choose how my life feels as we move into Winter.

As always I thank you for visitng and joining in with your comments. Keep safe. I am thinking of all those in the areas affected by Hurricane Sandy and Cyclone Nilam right now.

The Things I Cannot Change - Day 29 of 31 Days of change

"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference."

 Reinhold Niebuhr

It's almost the end of my 31 days of change. At the beginning of the month I wrote about how I wanted to embrace change; to accept those changes which are  happening and that are out of my control; to take a good look at life as it is and shake it up a little(in a positive way). Rather than just letting everything happen to me, I wanted to make some choices about how life might look, as we start another chapter. I wanted to have a bit of a clear out and to welcome in some newness and energy again. I wanted to throw out what was stale and no longer serving me, if it could not be recycled or refreshed.

Well I have started to do this during the month. I can see a little clearer how I might have aspirations to change things; and I can see a little clearer about why these aspirations might not happen, and what I could do to to make those that I really do want, a reality.

I've been thinking a little today about one thing that I yearn to change, that I forever work hard to change, and that I am afraid will never change. Maybe I will write about it here one day. For now I will just acknowledge my frustration at seeming to be unable to change this part of my life. Again it is more about re-framing my perspective, and accepting that what is past cannot be changed. It's about letting go of the outcome and enjoying the journey. It's about what is here now, and about the possibilities for the future. They are not what they were, and now they are less well formed, but they are dancing before me and I am open to them whatever they may hold in store.

I am finding that as I come to the end of this month of awareness, that I am not ready to let go of learning about change. I am looking forward with some excitement, and still some fear, to whatever lies ahead. I have decided I am going to be reading this(new to me) book by David Richo which will accompany me on my journey.

In his book David Richo writes about  

"THE GIVENS OF LIFE: THE THINGS WE CANNOT CHANGE:

(1) everything changes and ends, 

(2) things do not always go according to plan, 

(3) life is not always fair, 

(4) pain is a part of life, 

(5) people are not loving and loyal all the time."

I recently read an article which stated that there were three things that caused us misery if we were unable to accept that they could not be changed. These were:

(1) The past.
(2) Certain circumstances.
(3) Other people.

It's late here for all of this deep thinking. I am an emotional creature and love music, so here is a new(to me) song which will end this post quite well. Cracking lyrics.

Changes - Day 28 of 31 Days of Change.

Reframing - Day 27 of 31 Days of Change

“And so our mothers and grandmothers have, more often than not anonymously, handed on the creative spark, the seed of the flower they themselves never hoped to see - or like a sealed letter they could not plainly read. ”

 Alice Walker

Be The Change: Lemn Sissay - Day 26 of 31 Days of Change.

Let There Be Peace
By Lemn Sissay

Let there be peace
So frowns fly away like albatross
And skeletons foxtrot from cupboards;
So war correspondants become travel show presenters
And magpies bring back lost property,
Children, engagement rings, broken things.

Let there be peace
So storms can go out to sea to be
Angry and return to me calm;
So the broken can rise up and dance in the hospitals.
Let the aged Ethiopian man in the grey block of flats
Peer through his window and seeAddis before him
So his thrilled outstretched arms become frames
For his dreams.

Let there be peace.
Let tears evaporate to form clouds, cleanse themselves
And fall into reservoirs of drinking water.
Let harsh memories burst into fireworks that melt
In the dark pupils of a child’s eyes
And disappear like shoals of silver darting fish.
And let the waves reach the shore with a
Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhh Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

Rest and Recuperation - Days 24 and 25 of 31 days of Change.

This is our smallest cat who has been quite poorly lately. We hope that she is well again now and will stay that way. I am learning from her to listen to my body and to allow myself rest when I need it.

Beginner's Mind - Day 23 of 31 Days of Change.

“In the beginner’s mind there are many possibilities, but in the expert’s there are few.”  

– Zen Master Shunryo Suzuki 

"I don't know" is a good one! Whenever you happen to hear yourself saying or thinking this--whatever you are doing at the time--it is a very good sign that insights and understandings are going to be coming up. In the troubled times of my life, I find it a great relief of stress when I can remember this: "I don't know."

People don't allow themselves this stance of "I don't know" often enough. This is because we always know, or we always think we know. Most of the time when people think they know, they don't really know at all. All they know are their past impressions of the situation that is happening now, the conclusions they came to on previous times, or judgments about similar events or circumstances that happened once upon a time.

Living with "I know" is a tremendous handicap that keeps us out of the present, and living in the past. It doesn't allow us anything new, no surprises, no insights, no discoveries. It doesn't allow us to unlock and understand any of the mysteries of the present moment, and it keeps us frozen in the judgments of the past.

That is why beginner's mind is a wonderful strategy for those who would like to learn about the deeper mysteries of life. It isn't easy! There's nothing people treasure as much as their brilliant opinions, unless it is their cherished beliefs. Yet these will not help us in finding these new dimensions of life that are to be found in schools like this.

Beginner's mind doesn't ask you to believe in anything in particular. It simply says put aside the beliefs you already have for a little while, and do the exercises the teachers suggest without beliefs or expectations, simply to see in your own direct experience whatever your experience of these exercises is.

And after the exercises are over, you can go right back to that shelf again. You can take back all of those opinions, all that reason and logic, all of those cherished beliefs--just the way you left them! You can put them right "back on" all over again. If there happen to have been some new insights, something new, never noticed before, something you've seen with your own eyes, or heard with your own ears, something you've smelled, or tasted, or felt with your own sensitive body, there is no problem about that. You can still leave with what you came in with. That choice is still up to you.

Quoted from:  Teaching Tools for Mindfulness Training

I have always struggled with "I don't know". When I hear myself saying this (which is quite a good deal if I am honest), I feel irritated. I have often struggled with the constant feeling I have had, that of always being a "beginner"; of always feeling "new"; of always being a stranger, even when I get to know people well. 

Fear of failure and lack of self-trust has gotten in the way of being able to "live life to the max with beginner's mind" . I have felt too hesitant and too fearful to really trust myself, or the universe and to let go and jump into life with full on love, excitement and joy. That longing was inside me all of these years, and would bubble up sometimes in certain circumstances when I felt safe. I really did believe in the possibilities and wonder of living life this way, I simply seemed unable to feel the joy in my heart. For a long time I was frozen, immobile and afraid. I did not know who I was and could not "be myself", though other people often advised me that this was the way to be happy.

It finally seems as if this year I am becoming more open to the possibilities and more myself than ever before.

This year's harvest - Day 22 of 31 Days of Change.

Mr Stayingawake's allotment harvest this year includes garlic and apples. He has had fun experimenting with growing new crops and getting stuck into the pickling which I did last year.

One of the things I love about this time of year is the harvest, so I'm savouring the abundance of newly picked fruit and vegetables in our kitchen tonight. This is the second year we have had the allotment, however sadly we have had less time to spend down there. It is still new to us and seeing our little harvest makes me determined to make the most of it next year.

Another change for me today is that I'm blogging using my new mobile phone. I am also enjoying playing with instagram.



Allotment Harvest - October 2012

A Yoga e-course, some cleaning, two job applications and a Tarot card - Day 21 of 31 Days of Change.

I spent a sunny Sunday indoors today, and managed to complete two job applications; clean the bedroom, stairs and landing; think about a plot for my creative writing homework; and complete two assessments for my day job. I am now going to hem two pairs of trousers whilst watching my quota of TV for the week.

I often spend Sundays feeling a little lost. Today it feels as if I achieved quite a bit so well done me.

I found this Yoga and Tarot e-course via my old blogging mentor Kat who blogs at  "I saw you dancing". As Yoga is something that I want to revisit in this month of changes, I thought this might be a very tempting way to hook myself back in to a regular practice. I can then take another evening class once I am back on track. If I go back now I know my body clicking will draw the teacher's attention back to me. I would rather loosen up a bit in the privacy of my own home before getting back on the mat in public. Plus the tarot has always fascinated me, so I am sure this e-course will be just delicious!

I drew a card today from the Zen Tarot and this was it:

Playfulness

Commentary.

Life is rarely as serious as we believe it to be, and when we recognize this fact, it responds by giving us more and more opportunities to play.

The woman in this card is celebrating the joy of being alive, like a butterfly that has emerged from its chrysalis into the promise of the light. She reminds us of the time when we were children, discovering seashells on the beach or building castles in the sand without any concern that the waves might come and wash them away in the next moment. She knows that life is a game, and she's playing the part of a clown right now with no sense of embarrassment or pretense.

When the Page of Fire enters your life, it is a sign that you are ready for the fresh and the new. Something wonderful is just on the horizon, and you have just the right quality of playful innocence and clarity to welcome it with open arms.

It really does feel as if this month of change is just what I need. There are some big changes going on for me in how I approach life. I am much more relaxed, more free and more playful in life than I have ever managed to be before. Though at times I fall into old patterns of anxiety and stress, I am more able to move through this and smile at the absurdity of it all. I am able to relax and not worry as much about what other people think of me. 

I am ready for the fresh and new and do hope that something wonderful is coming.

My blog has much to do with this change. Thank you to those who have been around to encourage me. You are all truly a blessing and a gift. Each and everyone.

New(to me) Poetry - Day 20 of 31 Days of Change.

In Heaven It Is Always Autumn  

by Elizabeth Spires

"In Heaven It Is Always Autumn"
         John Donne

In heaven it is always autumn. The leaves are always near
to falling there but never fall, and pairs of souls out walking
heaven's paths no longer feel the weight of years upon them.
Safe in heaven's calm, they take each other's arm,
the light shining through them, all joy and terror gone.
But we are far from heaven here, in a garden ragged and unkept
as Eden would be with the walls knocked down,
    the paths littered
with the unswept leaves of many years, bright keepsakes
for children of the Fall. The light is gold, the sun pulling
the long shadow soul out of each thing, disclosing an outcome.
The last roses of the year nod their frail heads,
like listeners listening to all that's said, to ask,
What brought us here? What seed? What rain? What light?
What forced us upward through dark earth? What made us bloom?
What wind shall take us soon, sweeping the garden bare?
Their voiceless voices hang there, as ours might,
if we were roses, too. Their beds are blanketed with leaves,
tended by an absent gardener whose life is elsewhere.
It is the last of many last days. Is it enough?
To rest in this moment? To turn our faces to the sun?
To watch the lineaments of a world passing?
To feel the metal of a black iron chair, cool and eternal,
press against our skin? To apprehend a chill as clouds
pass overhead, turning us to shivering shade and shadow?
And then to be restored, small miracle, the sun
    shining brightly
as before? We go on, you leading the way, a figure
leaning on a cane that leaves its mark on the earth.
My friend, you have led me farther than I have ever been.
To a garden in autumn. To a heaven of impermanence
where the final falling off is slow, a slow and radiant happening.
The light is gold. And while we're here, I think it must
    be heaven.

Found today at The Writer's Almanac.

Early Mornings, Evening Sunlight, and A Puppy - Day 18 and 19 of 31 Days of Change

This post is about changing habits; re-establishing old ones that have served me very well, which I enjoyed, but which have now fallen by the wayside; and starting new ones

What has that got to do with early mornings, evening sunlight and a puppy?

A few of the habits I would like to change, or establish, seem to have been on my list of changes I would like to make, for many, many years. Sometimes I get close and make a good start at something, then all of a sudden I lost momentum and am back at square one. Leo Babauta's habit change cheatsheet tells us at point one and point two, to start with one thing at a time, and to keep it simple.

Ah yes. Early mornings. I have the habit of delaying getting out of my bed in the morning until the very last minute. Sometimes this makes me late and the days gets off to a bad start. Sometimes I am aware of the time missed that could have been used to make life a little easier.

For a long while I have wanted to change this.

However the snooze button is my very good friend. She and I go back a long way and every morning we spend hours together. Yes hours. I used to set my alarm for more than an hour before I need to get out of bed. These days it is likely to be around forty-five minutes before I need to rise. However, after the forty-five minutes are up, I will extend the time, as I have usually allowed for this occurrence. I hit that button again and again. Mr S finds this habit of mine infuriating.

For a long time I have wanted to arise early; to run or exercise, meditate, write morning pages, read something meaningful, put a load of washing on.....you know....be a little bit more "perfect".

Or rather, if I were totally honest with myself, be a little more disciplined and purposeful than I actually am. Ok that's unfair, I hear my ex-therapist telling me off a little there for not being compassionate enough towards myself. Gees(this is my new favourite expression).

Of course I am purposeful and disciplined in my own way. I am a little haphazard and creative and UNFOCUSED. Simply me. Perfect already with all of my imperfections.

However, whilst I accept me in all my perfect imperfection,  I would still like to establish a morning routine, before this 31 days of change are over. I would like to be a "earlier riser". I would like to use that time to gain some clarity, and establish a morning routine that nourishes me on most days. Gees I sound like some other blogger here don't I? Wannabe bright-eyed focused and purposeful, maybe that's my new blog title.

Hey I hope I'm not losing you with my cynicism, I know it's unlike my usual style. I am just trying to fathom why in the world I want to be that early riser. She is the me I have been seeking, and the me I may have been given other life conditions. She is another being, alien to me at present. Me who could have been, if only I'd changed my habits before age 49. My ex-therapist might say she is simply a symptom of my overly self-critical habit and mindset.

I am wondering if I really want that me, or if that me simply wants her nice warm bed.

A clue lies in yesterday's events. I couldn't sleep and woke up at 4am when I decided that I couldn't lie there anymore worrying about my workload and other things that are bothering me right now. I was going to get up EARLY, and do some work. I did so. I savoured sitting in the dark for a while drinking tea, and then I did two hours work for my day job. It made a small dent in my to-do list, and I felt marginally better for the briefest of moments. The rest of the day was hell(yawn), but I felt a little bit better to have cleared some of the overwhelm.

Well. Thank you for joining me in my thought ramble. I do want to establish a morning routine whilst also steering clear of perfectionism and rigidity. So if I stay in bed some mornings it will not mean I don't rise early on the next. I will read and digest both of Leo's posts about habit change and try not to change everything all at once. I am still working on the diet and exercise changes so there is a lot going on right now.

Oh yes. Evening sunlight and a puppy?  These were just two happenings that brightened my day today. This tree lives right outside my living room window, and tonight the sunlight on it was so beautiful it took my breath away(the photograph does not do it justice). The puppy? Ah just came across the little chap when visiting one of my clients. He was so tiny, with the cutest eyes you ever saw! Bedtime now after a long week. One of the habits I would like to keep and strengthen, is a daily gratiude practice. It reminds me to notice these small moments of joy and wonder during days when overwhelm and stress threaten to numb me.

 Tomorrow is no alarm day so I will be sleeping until my body tells me different. Goodnight and have a great weekend.