Heart wandering.

" The path is not somewhere in the sky, it is in the heart."

- The Buddha

Evening sky - 19.3.18

Seeing the beauty of the sky, and of nature, it is hard to believe that the path is not in the sky. After a hard day at work I stopped to take these photographs of the evening sky on the way home. This seems to be becoming a weekly event doesn't it? Seeing this beauty helps me get in touch with my heart, and lifts me up away from the human world that can often be so ugly.

It was Monday night and the start of the week. Since Monday the week has become busier and busier at work, so not much opportunity to wander or to just look up at the sky since then. Maybe the sky just hasn't looked so spectacular on the other evenings, or I just hadn't been driving home at just the right time to catch this glorious sight. I really need these moments to make a space in my mind, and to help me breathe deeply.

Pink and Orange - 19.3.18

I try to remember to look up at the sky during the day and it is easier when the sky is blue. It reminds me of the beauty of life and fills me up when my energy is depleted. Taking a breath between visits to people in crisis, angry or in emotional pain is something I need to practise more. My heart needs it. The way of the heart that the Buddha speaks about is not just about "love", but about "heartbreak", about compassion and human suffering.Taking a breath helps me feel the emotions and consider the stories I am told. Sometimes, like yesterday, witnessing the sheer pain that someone is experiencing, reminds me that I am human and not a robot who is "part of a system".

It is a privilege for me, to be allowed into the homes and the lives of others, and to be able to hear their stories and try to help. But I am more often than not, the enemy to them as they try to continue meeting their own needs, because what I have to say can often challenge this. I find it hard but am becoming tougher. I was brought up to be too polite I think.

To show compassion and respect, balancing boundaries, dealing with conflicts, while often being verbally abused and disliked - it is draining. Also seeing other human beings at their lowest, in crisis and distress. A lot of the time I don't allow myself to feel the emotions fully, it would be too overwhelming. So when I do, like yesterday, I want to break out of my role and just help(rescue); or I feel helpless. It can be hard to stay focused on what my role requires of me sometimes and I get discouraged and feel that I cannot do this job well enough. 

It's true that I am tired, I have had my own issues going on for so long, and am only just coming through the other side. I look around me at the people I meet everyday, and wonder how on earth they are still alive with all they have had to face in their lives. Some are only young children themselves, or "broken" adults now trying to be parents themselves. 

The vastness and spaciousness of the sky helps to remind me about the way of the heart, to feel the connection to other human beings and to make sense at some level of all the suffering, ugliness and pain. It helps me to stay hopeful and compassionate. My heart is broken and my heart is open.

The underneath story.

Click to visit Good Reads page for this book.

I'm reading this book at the moment which is by one of my favourite authors Jeanette Winterson. It is taking me on a journey about stories and storytelling, light and dark, the fragility of human hearts, and love. It is a book I will want to read again, so beautifully is it written. For me it feels less like a novel and more like poetry or music. I am almost at the end of it now and I already feel lonely for that place that reading it takes me to.

Do you ever feel that way about a book? That you almost never want to finish reading it? I'd love to know more about your favourites.

Last Sunday was Mother's Day here in the UK and this year I have managed to reach a point at long last when I can appreciate the gifts hidden within my story instead of the lack. There is the love that was and that is. I never felt it. It was never enough to fill the void. Here I am today, still learning that I am worthy of love and just about able to love who I am; and to understand who I am, in this moment.

Mother's Day March 4th 2018

  “Today, the sun is everywhere, and everything solid is nothing but its own shadow, I know that the real things in life, the things I remember, the things I turn over in my hands, are not houses, bank accounts, prizes or promotions. What I remember is love -- all love -- love of this dirt road, this sunrise, a day by the river, the stranger I met in a café. Myself, even, which is the hardest thing of all to love, because love and selfishness are not the same thing. It is easy to be selfish. It is hard to love who I am. No wonder I am surprised if you do.”

― Jeanette Winterson, Lighthousekeeping

Looking for the light - 11th March 2018

On getting my phone out to take this photo, I realised I had missed a call from my son who was calling from overseas to say hello on Mother's Day. I managed to call him back and we connected across the miles in the muddle of the wood. There were also squirrels, snowdrops and bird song.

 “This is not a love story, but love is in it. That is, love is just outside it, looking for a way to break in.”

― Jeanette Winterson, Lighthousekeeping

 Getting in touch with the "underneath story", not "the details" of my story, is something discussed in this blog by Jamie Ridler, she also talks about "success" and how this looks different depending on who you are. I was thinking about this a lot this week, following the death of Stephen Hawking. 

Someone once spoke to me about how I was always seeking to be "successful" in a very narrow way that had been defined by living in a middle class foster home. She reminded me that my constant quest to improve myself and to achieve more and more, meant that I was never happy with the way I was. Looking back I see how very unkind I was to myself, never feeling I was enough to be loved and always seeking approval from my foster Mother. It was a very harsh way to live my life, there was love just outside it and thank goodness it found a way to break in.

On Monday last week after leaving my last appointment, I was drawn to go down to the coastal village nearby to see the sunset. The sky was such a beautiful sight seen from my car, that, although it was late and I really wanted to be home, I could not help myself. I allowed myself to wander.

Sunset - 12th March 2018

I found these flowers in a planter on the promenade area, their pinkness really standing out in the unusual evening light.

Pink sky and flowers - 11th March 2018

Beautiful Creatures - 12.3.18

Wandering is becoming a daily practice, sometimes I find messages like these about colour and light; sky and nature. I am seeing the gifts in my story, and day by day I am becoming stronger in knowing who I am and what is important to me. Creating the next chapter of the story.

Colours - 12.3.18

"There it is the light across the water. Your story. Mine. His, It has to be seen to be believed. And it has to be heard. In the endless bubble of narrative, in spite of the daily noise, the story waits to be heard. Some people say that the best stories have no words. They weren't brought up to Lighthousekeeping.

It is true that the words drop away, and that the important things are learned in faces, in gestures, not in our locked tongues. The true things are too big or too small, or in any case, always the wrong size to fit the template called language. I know that. But I know something else too, because I was brought up to Lighthousekeeping.

Turn down the daily noise and at first there is the relief of silence. And then very quietly, as quiet as light, meaning returns, Words are part of the silence that can be spoken."

 ― Jeanette Winterson, Lighthousekeeping

Sunset across the Estuary - 12.3.18

 “Tell me a story, Pew.

What kind of story, child?
A story with a happy ending.
There’s no such thing in all the world.
As a happy ending?
As an ending.” 

― Jeanette Winterson, Lighthousekeeping

Wandering into March (in more ways than one) and International Women's Day 2018.

"The beauty of happenstance. Of looking for one thing and finding something else. of stumbling onto something when you were least expecting it. The book on the shelf next to the one you wanted, Overhearing an interesting conversation. Finding a special sitting spot. In just the right place. Seeing an amazing sunset. Stumbling across the perfect passage in a book. Discovering a place you want to go for tea. Taking a detour and seeing a different view.A combination of happen and circumstance. To find or come across by chance. Can only happen if we provide the opportunity for them to appear." 

- Keri Smith

Off on a wander last Saturday after taking my son to the airport. I had had a vague idea of where I was going, but on the way there I happenst upon a lovely coffee shop location, which due to the extremely cold weather(for the UK ), was quieter than it maybe usually is.

It had a great atmosphere and outlook,I loved the view of the trams and the design of the hotel opposite. I'm in the city closest to where I live. It's a great city with a great mix of modern and older architecture. I love visiting there. 

Second best location for my favourite coffee chain - 3.3.18

Below is my first  favourite city location for outlook from a coffee shop window, in case you were wondering. I drink too much coffee but I do enjoy a solitary sit in a coffee shop with an interesting interior and outloook.

I believe that JK Rowling the author wrote much of her Harry Potter stories sitting in coffee shops. How she managed this I don't know. I do love to people watch while I am sitting and wonder about their lives. Maybe I could try writing in coffee shops actually. There may be ideas all floating around.

London Trafalgar Square - September 2017

So back to my wandering. After two coffees and a warm up, I started across town towards my destination. I became distracted by the Library building however, which I had never been inside before. You can see it on the left of this photo, it is the white one with the columns.

Wandering in the city - 3.3.18

Here are some photos of the inside of the building. There is an amazing music library, where young people were gathered to play instruments and study. I love the staircases, and stained glass. I discovered this great project Talking Statues which I will need to revisit when I can work out the technology. Something for my next trip to the city. 

Apparently the girl in the statue(see below), is reading a poem called The Angel's Story, which according to the website, was printed on paper and pasted into her marble book. However by the time she was given to the library in 1938 by the family of the man who bought her in Italy, this had disappeared.

Girl Reading Statue - 3.3.18

Entrance Hall - 3.3.18

Staircase view - 3.3.18

View of the stained glass window and ceiling from the first floor balcony,

 The window was designed by the Arts & Crafts artist, Robert Anning Bell RA (1863-1933) and includes a portrait of William Shakespeare and scenes from many of his plays. The ceiling has coats of arms and crests relating to the local and surrounding areas. In the photo below there is a clue to which city I am in. Can you see it? Any ideas?

Staircase view - 3.3.18

Peeping into the Great Hall  shh! - 3.3.18

 I wandered into a couple of exhibitions at the library. One was the result of some community workshops for women in the city, where they produced creative work designed to represent a snapshot of women's lives one hundred years on from the Suffragette movement. 

There are a number of events happening to celebrate this anniversary in 2018 and also in March,  International Women's Day. This exhibition is called "Women’s Words." 

Rosettes - one of the exhibits from the "Women's Words" exhibition. 3.3.18

I bought the pamphlet that was produced to also display the creative work produced in the workshops. Here is a quote from that pamphlet, from Michelle Green an artist who led one of the workshops, which was for a refugee led advocacy group - 

"Here we are in 2018, one hundred years on from partial equality in voting laws, and now as then, the most marginalised women are still excluded from the gains. Having a female Prime Minister means little to women who are barred from working, imprisoned without charge for indefinite periods of time, left to fall through the gaps of an increasingly battered safety net. There is so much more to be done, and having seen the appetite for activism, communication and mutual support across these workshops, across this wide range of experience, identity and situation, I am brought back to something Sara said on that first day: Emancipation for women - it takes a long time."

My wandering then took me running through the city with another woman who had been late arriving for the Women's March, that had left from outside the library about 20 minutes earlier. I happened to be standing looking at a leaflet about the Women's march, when she rushed in and asked the security guard about whether the march had left and which way it had gone. I joined her and we ran to try to catch up, then following another running woman who also appeared to be trying to catch up with the march. 

We arrived just as the poetry readings and speeches were about to begin.The Muslim woman speaking in the photo below, whose name I cannot seem to find, was just amazing and so brave to be standing up to speak in this city.

Speaking about women having the right to choose how they dress and supporting each other despite difference.

Music - "You can' t keep this woman down."

Speeches and Poetry about the impact on women of gender, sexuality, disability, class and race discrimination and inequality.

Here is one of the speeches which focuses on  the intersectionality of gender, with other aspects of humanity such as race, disability, class and sexual orientation, and how that impacts on women's lives differently. 

One of the earlier speakers discussed the impact for working class or working women, of the suffragette's achievement 100 years ago, recognising that the movement was a middle class movement led by women of privilege, and at first benefiting them. On February 6th 1918, The Representation of the People Act gave the vote to women over the age of 30 who met a property qualification. The speaker asked "what was that working woman's escape hatch? and reminded us that "it's my privilege to be born in an age when escape is possible." But again reminding us that this is a work in progress, women today have the possibility of escape but still this depends on who you are, where you are born and many other factors.

 My wander then returned to it's orginal plan and I visited the city Art Gallery where I explored briefly the exhibition "Painting Light and Hope". More about that another day, but suffice to say this is an exhibition of a woman artist who was also active in the women's movement 100 years ago. Annie Swynnerton also became the first elected female member of the Royal Academy of Arts. I came home having bought two books and with plenty of wandering and exploring still to do. 

Books to explore. 3.3.18

A great day of wandering and happenstance. One my good friend who died almost a year ago, would have loved. She was an expert wanderer, poet and feminist. She loved to lift other women up and she brought light and hope to other human beings despite herself having a very difficult life at times. I felt she was close by me all day. She'd have loved this song which I post again, with gratitude for the suffragettes and the beginnings they made, and for the men and women today who are continuing to press for progress,