Hello to all those out there that are still stopping by here.
If no-one is still stopping by that's ok, I can handle that.....I've been gone a long time again and really this is just a place for me to gather my thoughts, and if I get feedback that's just an added bonus.
(Notice how I lie to myself there and protect myself from that awful feeling that I am typing away and that nobody reads or cares!)
(Notice also that now my mind is telling me off for 1) wanting validation or attention or both and 2) repeating old cycles where I expect friendship without having put any effort into being a friend!)
I'm struggling a bit.
It's taken me from 07.45 this morning, until now 14.42 pm, to arrive here at the keyboard....here in my study at my old stand alone pc....not on my ipad, or phone...and to feel the pull of blogging again in my old place of writing.
I haven't switched this computer on for a couple of months, nor have I been in this room for longer than that.....after spending much of 2014 up here studying and prior to that nearly every weekend burried away in here blogging or reading or getting lost on the interwebs.
Feels like home.
I miss my old life.
I had thought about blogging earlier today. But my mind was empty of anything that I could blog about, as I knew I was feeling vulnerable and if I started to blog I might spill out all of my inner most feelings, and that might just make me feel more vulnerable. (Notice I am here and spilling now anyway! Notice that I am writing a post about me - when I am trying to vary the subject matter of my posts and look outwards rather than inwards! Argh why I am so frustrating and why can't I move myself forward?)
My new lifeis a bit like my old-old life before my old life (see above re the one that I miss) of blogging and personal development and self care!
So without going around the houses, you can see why I'm struggling.
My new life is busy, too busy for me to make sense of.
In the midst of all this busy, our baby grandaughter is moving away, December is upon us, old patterns are repeating and making me feel a level of self-loathing.......and I am feeling the pull to make time to make sense before I sink to the bottom of all of this mud.
There are spirals and cycles and what feel like dead-ends and failures.
The revisting of issues of trust and friendship seem key issues in my current struggle, as do the revisiting of busy and the filling up of my life with work and purpose. I wonder how people manage to do it all and how they make those difficult choices? While I sit feeling overwhelmed I think about all of those people who have been strong enough to springboard into purpose from difficult beginnings.....
Anyway...... I came on here and looked in my blog reader.....and found.....Susannah......
Just what I needed...her Unravelling is why this blog exists in the first place.
A reminder to savour the present moment and to be kind to myself.
something you say to mean that your life is not bad and that you should not complain about it: "How's it going then, Mike?" "Oh, not too bad. Mustn't grumble."
A day or two ago, I heard someone I love use this phrase when asked how she was. I know she was probably having a little smile to herself inside. A big part of how she copes with life and what makes her so amazing is her sense of humour. She would never share with most people her deepest darkest feelings and I hardly ever hear her saying anything negative. When I do see her, I see a lot of impatience and resentments that spill out every so often. We both learnt as children that we were a little bit "too selfish" and that we had to put everyone else before ourselves.
I'm not a fan of Chas and Dave , but had to share this piece from them in order to grumble about the culture of positivity and all associated aspects of British culture that need boxing up and storing away in the archives! Chas and Dave sing, " Laugh and the world laughs with you, cry and you cry all alone." Charming! But true. Many people don't like it when they have to deal with other people's unhappiness. Maybe this is something to do with why there is such a lack of understanding about depression and other mental health issues, that we need a World Mental Health Day and other campaigns designed to raise awareness and educate people both about what makes for good mental health and about mental illness itself.
And now, for your benefit dear reader, I am just making a quick digression (still in a grumbling tone) before I continue with my theme of grumbling....... Chas and Dave also sing the following:
You've got a beautiful chin,
You got beautiful skin,
You got a beautiful face,
You got taste,
You got beautiful eyes,
You got beautiful thighs,
You got a lot without a doubt,
But I'm finking 'bout blowin' you out,
Coz you won't stop talkin,
Why don't you give it a rest?
You got more rabbit than Sainsbury's,
It's time you got it off your chest,
Now you is just the kinda girl to break my heart in two,
I knew right off when I first clapped my eyes on you,
But how was I to know you'd bend my earholes too?
With your incessant talkin',
You're becoming a pest...."
Again, what a charming sentiment dontcha think? My heart sunk into my boots yesterday, when a 24 year old bright young female relative informed me, when talking about her relationship with her boyfriend and father of her baby, that she is, "such a nag."
I am reminded of the medieval punishment using the "Scold's Bridle", this was also used on men, but more associated with trying to control women's behaviour at particular times in history.
"Nagging" is another concept that needs to be redefined, given what we understand now about the powerlessness of women's position throughout history. I'm liking this "brief history of nagging" from Left-Write.
Nagging seems to be related to grumbling and moaning, and whilst not at all a concept only found in British Culture, is similar in it's casting of "the female", "expressing emotion" and "complaining about your lot", all as things that are just too difficult to deal with!
From my calendar this week:
"We live in a culture that worships logical, rational, linear thought processes, and distains and ignores feelings. Feelings are seen as uncontrollable, dangerous, and unnecessary.
Thank goodness our female brains can handle feelings. Feelings are the doorway to our souls.
It's great that women haven't given up on feelings."
I really like this post from "last word on nothing" which talks about the difference between Brits and New Yorkers regarding complaining in a restaurant and also the difference between "grumbling" and "moaning". New Yorker's, apparently, have no issue with grumbling, which Sally defines as "directly expressing your displeasure with the goal of changing the situation." Whereas the British are experts in moaning, which she explains is more like commiserating and sharing your dissatisfaction with others who also understand that, "Sometimes things are simply a bit shit. No sense stressing yourself out about it." This goes along with that little bit of silver lining thinking, that has gone completely off the scale more recently with the advent of "Positive Thinking" as the solution to all our ills.
So us Brit's don't grumble, we look for the silver lining and are encouraged to do so when we do our "moaning" out loud. We are more pessimistic in our outlook, and Sally directs us to the research that tells us that pessimism does have it's benefits. Sally concludes her post, by highlighting that the grumbling New Yorker's are more unhappy and "neurotic" and she links this to perfectionism(which makes perfect sense!). Whilst us moaning Brit's, with our old "stiff upper lip" on hand to help us put up with life and it's disappointments (be they minor or major), might be happier and have better mental health?
Yes I know that myself and Sally are generalising here, and of course it is all much more complex and diverse than this! I come from a family culture that is a "mustn't grumble" culture at it's extreme, where feelings were never a good topic for discussion and we were encouraged to look on the bright side and where we were made to feel selfish and guilty about having negative feelings.
The "mustn't grumble" culture, is a little unkind - sometimes alot unkind, harsh even - and dismissive of people's feelings. It prevents connection and communication. In everyday conversation with family, friends and colleagues it is dismissive, disinterested and isolating. Not a healthy culture at all, but you can survive it if you have someone(at least one person) who understands.
Here are some thoughts about grumbling from a the Christian faith perspective, I would be interested to hear your views. Again I feel that this outlook is harsh. If people do not feel listened to, their feelings dismissed or solutions offered too early without acknowledging emotions, then my view is that this undermines community also, and creates fear, judgement and unhealthy competition. People go underground with their grumbles, which creates resentment and denial. Feelings do not just simply go away now do they? And if they are not heard, then I guess this is when people might feel stuck and unable to move forward - maybe leading to more grumbling and becoming labelled as too negative! When I ask someone how they are, I hope I am genuinely interested in how they are feeling and am able to show compassion and understanding, most of the time (of course I am not perfect and only human).
On reaching the end of my consideration of the phrase "mustn't grumble" I must acknowledge my tendency these days for pessimism and for grumbling.Whilst I used to identify big time with Pollyanna - these days and for some years now, I do too much grumbling and am a perfectionist, which only leads to more unhappiness. A colleague from years gone by once suggested we both use an elastic band on our wrists to stop us in our complaining mode. I am aware of the impact of negative comments on motivation and interesting research into the magic ratio of positive and negative comments. Not always easy to put into practice.
Chas and Dave have a point - it is lonely when you feel overwhelmed with life and want to be able to talk to others who understand. People have to look after their own well being and not everyone is a counsellor. Still it is a harsh society we live in sometimes, full of judgement and fear. People don't want to feel vulnerable nor to dwell on the negative. We want to be distracted and sometimes use numbing to avoid feeling.
Life is complex. Be kind. Listen. Try not to judge. Be compassionate to yourself and others. Grumble sometimes, it really is ok - and if you become stuck - seek help from someone you trust or an expert. Remember that there are people out there who love you and you deserve to be happy.
“You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the
stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to
you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should."
―
Max Ehrmann,
Desiderata: A Poem for a Way of Life
Hello. It's October already!
I've been on the telephone this morning with someone who had dropped off my radar during this "year of busy".
While I was talking with her I was shocked to realise that it was way back in March that a close family member had died, and at the same time another close family member had injured herself in a fall. It seems like only a month or two ago, whereas in reality it is six! The months have flown by.
This weekend is the first time for months, that I have spent any significant time alone.
It was also March when my course finished, and so April and May brought some serious challenges on the financial front whilst I looked for, and found work. Then there was the funeral, and old family hurts that I allowed to resurface and that needed to be put into some perspective.
That old familiar feeling of not belonging to either of my families resurfaced as I watched my "sister" helping with the funeral. I sat at the edges afraid to presume and afraid to ask. Tension exists between my wanting to be part of it all, and my wanting to stay at a distance. That all spilled over recently on a family holiday. Sometimes it hurts too much to be so close!
Montallegro (Italy) - Late September 2011
"Sometimes you wonder how you got on this mountain. But sometimes you wonder, 'How will I get off?"
- Joan Manley
Then there was the pressure I was putting myself under to climb mountains! Lots of mountains in all sorts of different shapes and sizes. Pressure to meet my own, too high, expectations and to put all things right for all people. Pressure to fill up the empty space inside. Pressure that I am not where I "should be". Pressure of not having or being enough.
Old, old patterns repeating themselves. As always there have been choices to make, though some don't feel like choices. That's another old pattern of mine. If I'm busy climbing mountains, and helping everyone else, that keeps me at a distance.
"We build too many walls and not enough bridges."
- Issac Newton
The Bridge at Ludlow - February 2013
Here I am today, thinking about building bridges.....again.
I seem to be able to build bridges for others. I build the bridge and then step back. I turn around and walk away. I enjoy watching the joy as people cross and meet up. Then I build myself another little wall to hide behind.
None
of these bridges have been my responsibility to maintain. I can't climb
mountains if there are bridges to maintain, now can I? I help others think about
maintainence, and give advice and encouragement from a distance.
It's time for me to do some work on my own
bridges once again. I've burned too many bridges or left them to become ruins. I wonder if I know how to actually build and maintain bridges, or whether I just know this in theory. I'm out of practice.
If no-one else maintains the bridge, then that
doesn't mean I don't need to do the work now does it?
My friend understood that this has been a really busy time, but she missed me and is glad I am back in touch. I'm glad too.
I'm glad for this quiet weekend. All this bridge building and mountain climbing, has been exhausting! I'm glad to have time to reflect and to recognise these cycles of mine.
I am participating in the August Break 2015 and enjoying the chance to
take stock of my days. Why not think about joining in too? Head over to
Susannah's website for more details.
I've been having some trouble posting my photographs to blogger, hence not having been able to pop in and blog as much as I would have liked. It's been so frustrating that I am now at the point of finding a new home for my blog. This has been something I've been thinking about for a while now, and it seems as if blogger has made my mind up for me!
However that all takes time. One of the reasons that not being able to post quickly and easily to blogger over the past few weeks is that I have very little time to mess around these days. I want to be able to post quickly and not have to spend ages making the page or photograpshs, visually pleasing - I just want to be able to click and ping it's all done for me. I just don't have time to mess around for hours while my photographs and text move around the page by themselves! I was obviously doing something wrong when uploading my photos from other devices but hadn't got time to work out what was going on. I added my last post after a very frustrating few days trying to sort it out - but was conscious that it was not how I would have wanted it to look.
I've some time coming up soon, a week at home where I can just please myself.....well in theory that's how it goes.....but the house is looking pretty awful after these last few months of working long hours, and the long working hours just don't seem to be enough to complete all that is required for me to feel like I'm doing an ok job at work! So time will soon be eaten up on my week off, spending time with family and friends is also a priority........and time with me(and my blog or journal or paintbrush)....well that might just not happen. I wonder when I became so disorganised? I just don't seem to have enough energy to get everything ticking along nicely...playing catch up is my middle name.
Maybe it's time to look at this differently? Let me think on that for a while. If you have any thoughts readers? I'm asking myself that old question about what I am saying yes to.
So here are some more August Break photographs. I'm not even sure what day it is right now so please excuse the poor quality of some of them. If I try to mess around with them they just won't get posted!
Day 9 - Earth
Day 10 - Talisman
Day 11 - Edge
Day 12 - Yellow
Day 13 - Last Year
Day 14 - Favourite Smell
I am participating in the August Break 2015 and enjoying the chance to
take stock of my days. Why not think about joining in too? Head over to
Susannah's website for more details.
I spent the day miles away from you, as is the way life seems to go once you
reach adulthood. Off we go into the world each day, even on those days that we
feel we just want to cling on tightly to our loved ones. We wave a cheerful
goodbye and spend our waking hours "making a living."
Today was an important day for you, but as usual I hardly gave you a second
thought once I was embroiled in the day to day. Other more pressing matters
filled my mind.
Over the years, I have forgotten so many important things each working
day......before arriving home and remembering again. Groaning when I realise I
didn't make that phone call to the doctor or that I forgot to deliver that
birthday card.....yet again!
Weeks later that card is still in my handbag.
When I came home you were hoovering the stairs, and when I glanced into the
kitchen I was comforted to see that my tea was cooking, as it usually is.
You've not forgotten me or any other important things, though you are starting
a new chapter.
You told me all about your day, all of your hopes and fears lying close to
the surface, under your brave face.
I was so glad to be home. To know you haven't changed.
Another Monday completed......ticked off....crossed off. The days speeding
past so quickly that sometimes I forget to breathe......I forget who I
am.....what I love......
I am participating in the August Break 2015 and enjoying the chance to take
stock of my days. Why not think about joining in too? Head over to Susannah's website for
more details.
Click on full screen for a slightly blurry view of the Lavender blowing in the breeze. You can hear my windchime and you might spot one of the cats in the background.
I am participating in the August Break 2015 and enjoying the chance to take stock of my days. Why not think about joining in too? Head over to Susannah's website for more details.
Love this event each summer, and this year it's a chance to reconnect with my blog and to take stock of the days.
Starting this year with a cheat. This photo was not taken today, but illustrates how on many of my work days I continue my breakfast in the car with a skinny latte. A sort of extended breakfast that helps on those days when it feels difficult finding the motivation.
Day One - Breakfast
Not so many of these mornings, these days I'm glad to say but some days I'm sooooo tired. It's a long commute to my new workplace and some days it feels hard enough just getting myself out of bed.
So I don't buy a coffee every day but realise that with better planning I could save my pennies for something more worthwhile.
Old habits die hard however!
My life seems to be tied into a certain way of being linked to my relationship with the day job.
Even as my work changes, this certain way of being stays with me, however much I try to change things!
I find myself putting my all into my work leaving little time for self-care and "flying by the seat of my pants" into my next challenge....coffee in one hand and a laptop or notepad in the other. So many miles on the clock and still not arriving.
This time however I think maybe I might be as close as it gets to arriving. Maybe. Hopefully.
All depending on how well I can balance. Time to stop juggling and simply surviving.
Time to begin thriving. August 2015 is the time to get my balance on.
Hello.
I'm hoping to be back blogging again soon. Well I'm here, now, blogging today. Of course you know that if you are here too reading.
Welcome.
I've missed you.
I've missed me.
So I'm coming back I hope. I'm revisiting how I can continue to blog, and I'm reconnecting with the part of me that gets lost when I'm unable to be here. I don't want to lose that part of me.
I watched "Still Alice" last night and am left with an increased understanding of what it might be like to lose your memory.....to lose the pieces of who you are....to be left behind by the people who you love.....to be struggling to stay connected to the person you were. This part of the film where Alice gives a speech at an Alzheimer's Society conference, really made me think about how we look at and how we work with people with Alzheimer's or Dementia. Well the whole film did really. A fantastic performance and script. Really important watching and learning for our society. I might go and read the book now, and make donations when I can.
"I know I'm alive. I have people I love dearly, I have things I want to do with my life. I rail against myself for not being able to remember things, but I still have moments in the day of pure happiness and joy......so live in the moment I tell myself.......It's really all I can do....live in the moment and not beat myself up too much for mastering the art of losing."
It's been very cold and frosty here this May, in fact we have had to have the heating on during the month, which is unusual for me. I'm looking forward to some warmer weather hopefully, during the summer months - all fingers and toes crossed.I've taken the advice given by my blogging friends and went off for a walk yesterday. I took this photo of how spring looks along the coast here. The sky was so white, that I decided to pink the photo up a little, otherwise it would have not stood out the same on the white blog blackground.
Pink is significant this May also as a few days ago I was celebrating with the Irish people, when they voted overwhelmingly in a referendum for the constitution to be changed to allow gay people the right to marry. This restored my faith in humanity a little, following the election of a Conservative Government here in the UK. I continue to be disapointed and fearful for the future of this country and wonder what might have been, given a different result.
"This is what you shall do: love the earth and sun, and animals, despise
riches, give alms to every one that asks, stand up for the stupid and
crazy, devote your income and labor to others, hate tyrants, argue not
concerning God, have patience and indulgence towards the people, take
off your hat to nothing known or unknown, or to any man or number of
men; go freely with the powerful uneducated persons, and with the young,
and mothers, of families: read these leaves in the open air every
season of every year of your life: re-examine all you have been told at
school or church, or in any books, and dismiss whatever insults your
soul."
"The world's
favorite season is the spring.
All things seem possible in May."
- Edwin Way Teale
I took this photo at the start of May intending to post it then, and here we are almost at the end already. Our neighbour "the tree" is looking fine, full of leaves and seeds. In fact we've been talking about it needing some cutting back, as it's branches are almost touching our bedroom window.
How are things in blogland? I've been popping in and out without much inspiration for a post here. I've had a bit more time but not for blogging it seems. However here I am sending you some blog love and giving this dusty old blog a blast of spring air.
Not much to report here, and too much to report! I'm feeling full of the joys of spring, after some challenges of different kinds. It may be that I have actually arrived at my destination - or actually at a pause on the journey; one that might even feel ok for a change.
"The should road, the could road, the someday road, should only ever be taken in moderation, and on your way to the MUST road."
I've been joining in with April Moon 2015. I'm running behind with bruised knees, but knowing that there is no need to try to catch up with anyone else, just with my own racing thoughts that are always disappearing around that corner up ahead. Day One: ....choose. Or was I? These past few weeks have been a little odd, the first was spent finishing off a few bits and pieces, worrying a little (a lot) about the future, whilst at the same time realising that I have a whole new chapter ahead that is full of possibilities.....if that is what I choose. In the sunshine on that second week, I felt so excited....forgetting for an afternoon that I am over fifty, and that I feel so tired of all this....that the future still looks like an uphill slog for which I have not been training physically! The next day and the next week were greyer, and the reality kicked in....the fear of it being too late for this... and the resentment (about all sorts of things), clouded my view. But I remember that I have a choice about how I approach the greyness of the everyday slog and how well I try to prepare mentally and physically for the very big challenges that lie ahead. Of course it all sometimes seems like a trade off.....if you have thisin the next chapter then you cannot possibly have that. I do have some practical choices to make. But first I have to suck it up for a while until things settle down. I have to stop being fearful about the sand slipping through the hour glass, and stop with the doubts that this is where I am supposed to be. I have to give myself and this a chance. Plus maybe this is enough...
Day Two: .....You are one year into your new job, new home and three years into your new relationship. You are beginning to lose confidence in yourself, your integrity and the choices you have made so far. Life is about to knock you and those closest to you sideways. This event, and your growing realisation about the impact of the choices you have made will dominate your life for the next ten years.
At first you will be angry and this will help you keep yourself and your loved ones going, you will feel you can defeat this with your knowledge and sense of justice. Then you will become despondent and believe that the mistakes you have made mean that perhaps you deserve all that has come your way. You will lose much of your sense of joy in being alive and you will believe that you are less than worthy. You will go through the motions of living most days, and you will realise eventually that you are simply surviving. You will lose all sense of who you are, but you will keep trying to find yourself again.
One day you will begin to wake up and you will realise that you have gifts and light and joy, that you are not full of darkness. You will have to realise this several times before you really believe this and it will always take hard work to maintain this view.
One thing that will help you navigate this path with less pain and struggle, is the knowledge that you can choose and that you have the power to do so.
So sit in silence, focus on your breath; go out for a walk and take your camera; practice gratitude every day; journal and create.......then start to make some plans and aim for them. Oh and stop believing that you have nine lives, and start taking proper care of the one you do have.
And please if you can (and you can) ....forgive, forgive, forgive....stop punishing yourself and trust yourself and others again.
Start now. Day Three: ......this is a difficult one....and I am trying to stay positive after the post above, but I am also mindful to stay truthful to myself.
I have given birth to lots of Mayflies....perhaps some have lived on and been taken forward in other people's hearts. In fact I know some have....there has been hope and belief and inspiration where there was none before. I have birthed encouragement and self-belief and possibilities. I have also given birth to a few Monsters......like many of us humans, I have made some mistakes that have caused damage to myself and others. I have birthed some monster catchers too, that live with me daily, sometimes needing to be reawakened if they fall asleep. I find it hard to list my achievements - it feels as if some of what I have birthed has not been able to grow as I would have liked due to my indecisiveness and inability to settle. However, I have birthed a blog, two completed novel drafts, some poetry, lots of essays, some teaching plans and intervention plans, some assessments and reports, one lovely son, relationships with friends and family.....
.................there is lots here to be proud of if I remember that I am enough.
Day Four .........when I was out walking for the day last May.
Like many others I find it hard to relax completely...... most times either numbing out and calling it "relaxation"...or collapsing with complete exhaustion and unable to move or think for days. Neither of which are great.
If I'm out walking for the day, which does not happen often enough; especially if with someone I love spending time with, once into the walk I have no choice but to surrender. It is too far to turn back and the end is also too far away, I give up all thoughts of anything waiting for me back in the real world and just enjoy the moment.
May 2014
Day Five: .....stories. Other people's stories are endlessly fascinating to me, as are other people. I find it inspiring to consider lives other than my own.
Of course I am always inspired by stories of courage, challenges and transformation....stories of people who have to find the strength to continue on, or to stand up and make a difference in the world. Inspiration also comes from stories of ordinary people's lives, those who would not go down in history necessarily as having done anything extraordinary..... but who live ordinary lives and the ripples they create are extraordinary.
I am also inspired by stories of those people who make mistakes or who do bad things. I want to understand the human condition and how people get to a particular point or action.
There is a quote about small minds which I really dislike.....
"Great minds discuss ideas; average minds discuss events; small minds discuss people."
Eleanor Roosevelt
I know that this relates to gossipping (small minds), or recalling facts (average minds), as opposed to thinking about ideas (great minds), but I think this is often taken at face value. Discussing people can lead to learning and the development of empathy and compassion. I love discussing people and think this helps me develop more understanding .....I hate gossip.
Within my home there are rather a lot of stray words...... many are handwritten on foolscap pages; in notebooks, diaries and journals; in old(and more recent)letters from family and friends; many printed on wall art; in magazines; calendars and of course in books. I've a tin full of quotes and cuts out words from magazines ready for when I might want to use them in art journalling (something I've not had time to do for over a year now).
You might think that this is not unusual for a home, that is until you see what exactly it is that I mean. Within my home I may have stored in boxes and drawers, so many of, mainly my own written words and some written by others; and too many to ever read again,should I even want to do so. These do not include the books, I have, filling several shelves around the house or on the floor beside my bed.
Really NOT a collection, more like a hoard......a storing up of my own process of learning from lectures and books, in the form of old essays, photocopies and notes from lectures; the often tedious and repetitive emotional outpourings in my diaries and journals; and treasured words in the form of posted letters sent from loved ones from whom I was at a distance from before the days of the internet. Then there are the newer piles of unsorted resources from my recent studies, including more notes from lectures and books; and piles of again unsorted calendar quotes saved just in case I ever get time to art journal again.
I like the fact that these pages of words are all dated. The dates will help me to piece together my life, my learning, the people who have been important to me ...ideas ....thoughts and feelings - if I ever should wish to do so. These bits and pieces of ideas and memories, "might come in handy one day" ; and when I saved them, I fully intended to "file those more usefully one day for ease of access." In my dreams my life would be fully organised and I would be prepared for arrival at destination "full potential." This last period of study has added several new files, notebooks, handouts, essays and portfolios to the "not a collection." Last Saturday I cleared the study floor and stored them all away until I make time to sort them out and file them ready for easy reference in my future work (no I really mean it this time). Several recycling bags were filled with those pages I could bear to admit were useless, or that were simply too disorganised to make any use of in the future.
Of course I have done all of this before, the attic is full of never again touched boxes of academic essays from before we moved here 14 years ago. Some go back even further. The letters and cards are much older, but have at least been looked at, read and sorted through a few years ago, when I threw away any I could bear to part with.They have not been looked at again since that time. The thought of parting with them is too difficult to contemplate. The thought of reading them again also too difficult right now. That is the case with the journals and diaries also, as well as them causing me great embarrassment if anyone comes across them after I am gone. Too many for me to read, I've not time for this and they would make me too sad. I would probably want to collect some bits of them and throw away other bits, that would become too time consuming and would lead to another "not a collection."
Perhaps it's time to clear them all out? What do you think? I've recognised before that I have been a gatherer and that I did this out of fear. I lost a huge chunk of my life as a child, and have struggled to remember that time. I believe that as a consequence I have needed to hang on to parts of myself in order to remember who I am or maybe to remember who I thought I needed to be. In addition I seem to have a lot of enthusiasm for many things, but little staying power. Someone once told me I was unable to make a commitment. (how rude lol) I do like to see the connections and the big picture but get impatient with the details sometimes. I read a blog post today from Robert, about knowledge, and about being a generalist or a specialist; also about enthusiasm for knowledge and for life. Robert gives a quote from HUGH OF ST VICTOR (c. 1096-1141) that really fits my thinking about my "not a collection." I often get cross with myself that I never "settled down" to do one thing and would love to have a specialist knowledge or expertise. However perhaps I am a specialist.... in being me and having my particular way of being in the world? Perhaps that specialism can help others understand themselves better? In my haphazard, hit and miss way I like to think I have got people thinking and that this might have moved them forward in some way. I would like to be more precise in this "helping" which is why I have been studying recently.
Anyway, I am wandering away from the subject of this blog post...my "not a collection".
I have a terrible memory probably linked to anxiety issues, and as a consequence I like to keep hold of ideas and pieces of me "just in case".
That is a story I tell myself.
Maybe it is time to see if that is true?
Maybe I need to press delete?
My chosen word for 2015 was "CLEAR" - I recognised in January that I needed to gain some clarity in my thinking and in my actions. I needed to clear out all of the old, old stories about myself, and the thoughts that repeatedly get in the way of my being "good enough."
I decided it was time to get clear about myself, and also time to clear a space for myself to be. What could be the worst that could happen? All of those words represent hard work and a life lived, but there are so many words still to be spoken to the people in my life....and maybe it's time to trust myself.
I'm joining in with April Moon 2015.
I'm still running behind with bruised knees, but here I am anyway.
.........the feeling that something is about to break...to break through...the feeling that something is about to happen that you've been waiting for...though you may not quite be sure what that something is...you might never be sure. That grumbling sound overhead and the darkening skies; or that light and cloud chasing up above you....it says "get yourself ready".....it says "there will be drama"....it says "there will be release"...."something is coming".....and "RUN!" It says "this is what life is all about"......and "stay frozen to the spot because you can't outrun this one!" It says "time to do battle"....then, "time just to accept the storm, stand steadfast and look at the skies." It's a welcome sound to me, and I long for it as I write this. It's a sound that signals the coming of the lightening flashes.....the counting inbetween grumble and flash...the sensing that the storm is moving closer...or further away. It's a sound that signals the switching everything off, and the standing at the window, watching and counting together or alone.....but not too close so that one bright finger of the lightening "gods" might strike you. "The Gods are moving their furniture around up there." I recall childhood stories, myths and legends...that when I hear the thunder grumble makes me feel very small again. Small against the vastness of the skies and the distance being crossed so quickly by this approaching storm.... a small still creature, in this dark and fleeting night that allows me a pause on my life's journey.....the pause reminds me of the smallness of my everyday...the small flash of me and my brief visit to the earth. If I'm outside I can smell the coming rain....and it will come eventually....the damp earth....a cool, cool place that welcomes me back....my aliveness.....my source....awakened by these grumbles, that grow louder and louder until the rain sheets down or heavy drops spot on my skin....pulled out of the clouds, sluggish and not quite ready. If its daylight, I think about whether I am or am not safe - I've heard stories of lightening striking, though I've never seen this.....and I want to stay alive. Once I was in the middle of the countryside alone and ran under a tree...before making a break for it between flashes....running for my car with it's rubber tyres....and during the race worrying about the car keys in my hand....and whether the lightening "god" would see the tiny glint of metal, sending his deadly finger down to show me that I am not in control as I think I am....trying to remember which metals are the ones I should have left at home..... and that maybe it's too late! I survived, even after running under a tree.....and forgot (until the next reminder)....just how desperately I wanted to live, and how strong we humans can be.
I'm joining in with April Moon 2015.
It's a little late, and I'm a little bruised from running and
scrambling. Also Day 6 is my Day 1 and I'm just jumping right in....
....choose. Or was I? 
.....You are one year into your new job, new home and three years into your new relationship. You are beginning to lose confidence in yourself, your integrity and the choices you have made so far. Life is about to knock you and those closest to you sideways. This event, and your growing realisation about the impact of the choices you have made will dominate your life for the next ten years. 
......this is a difficult one....and I am trying to stay positive after the post above, but I am also mindful to stay truthful to myself.
.........when I was out walking for the day last May. 
.....stories. Other people's stories are endlessly fascinating to me, as are other people. I find it inspiring to consider lives other than my own. 
