"What madness is this?"

I came across this amazing film yesterday..... here .

It expresses something of how I was feeling and I really wanted to share it here. I wonder what you make of it?

January is always a time of trying to make sense of where we find ourselves in our world. This year and not for the first time, I am struggling to make any sense of this place where I find myself.

I won't be the only one who is feeling this way.

I'm feeling very much out of balance.

Yesterday I was really questioning whether I have any strength left, to continue on this path I seem to have arrived at. I had a yearning just to throw everything over and walk out of my life ... run away ... start over.

I felt overwhelmed.

No energy to leave, no energy to stay. Just a terrible despair.

These horses, the trees and their human friends remind me of the desperate need for me to wake up....

I remember being aware of the protests and Daniel Hooper aka Swampy, and was in sympathy with the protests, but have never seen this film before...and once again never joined the protests that inspired something within me. In 1996 I was a single mother of a 9 year old and sadly still trying to prove Margaret Thatcher and my second family wrong.

In 1983 at age 23, I had almost hitch-hiked to Greenham with a friend, who backed out at the last minute. We were all set to go when she told me she had changed her mind. I wonder where I would have been today if I had just arrived at Greenham anyway by myself?

What stopped me was the idea of hitch-hiking on my own, I had experienced that whilst travelling abroad during my 21st year. Hitching in the sunshine in a country where it was commonplace at that time, was a big adventure.....in the dark winter cold of the UK, standing on the side of a motorway slip road did not feel quite the same.

It was harder for girls to be rebels then, don't you think? Still is. Especially if complex factors such as moving from a working class to a middle class family are added into the mix....kind of diluting the girl's identity and self worth; and making her a people pleaser desperate not to be "common" and scared to live outloud.... as herself.

Questioning, overthinking and depression are not unusual for me, and I hope my regular readers will forgive me for another post that seems very negative and lacking in gratitude for the life that I know is actually very blessed indeed. I am very thankful that I have this space and can type my thoughts onto the page on a computer, that I had an education  and the chance to go back and continue this long after I had left school.

I know that this kind of questioning is not unusual for we humans, as we move through the phases of our lives. Our growth and development comes in cycles and spirals of learning, and I really believe the Buddhist teaching that tells us that a lesson will keep repeating itself until we learn it.

I kind of know what it is I need to know. I just don't know how to learn these lessons - to move this learning from head to heart. Or do I?

The wild horses have something to teach me.....and though I know many will scoff at any guidance taken from astrology,  I have been reading today about the first New Moon of 2016 which falls today.

I have been reading about keeping my balance like a mountain goat, trusting the ground beneath me and where to put my foot next.....about roots and foundations, (though at 52 you would think I would have these by now)....and about the powerful force of energy that I am feeling, that can be used for either destruction or evolution.

I no longer feel like running away (well not so much), and will continue climbing my mountain,  putting one foot in front of the other and laying new and firmer foundations.

"....there are just some situations and people in this life who aren't meant to be maybes or lessons, rather they are the people and circumstances who we strive to give our all simply because they deserve nothing less." 

Kate Rose

Sacred. Mayhem, mumblings, messages and musings. The August Break Day 27.

“To the poet, to the philosopher, to the saint, all things are friendly and sacred, all events profitable, all days holy, all men divine.”

― Ralph Waldo Emerson

Day 27 - Sacred

Messages on my desk calendar last week:

"Regardless of who we are, where we live, or the people with whom we live, we all need a place of our own. A place where we can throw things, a place where we can safely leave unfinished projects - a place that is who we are.

Our place, our things - our own."

Then there was this from Free Will Astrology:

Aquarius Horoscope for week of August 22, 2013

"I want to be with those who know the secret things, or else alone," wrote the eccentric ecstatic poet Rainer Maria Rilke. That wouldn't be a good rule for you Aquarians to live by all the time. To thrive, you need a variety of cohorts and allies, including those who know and care little about secret things. But I suspect that for the next few weeks, an affinity for those who know secret things might suit you well. More than that, they may be exactly the accomplices who will help you attend to your number one assignment: exploratory holy work in the depths.

+

YOU NEED MAGIC. Every day, you have to wade through a relentless surge of soul-less information. The experience tends to shut down your sense of wonder.

Every day, you're over-exposed to narratives that have been sucked free of delight and mystery. That's why you have to make strenuous efforts to keep your world enchanted.

Keeping my world "enchanted" seems tough for me, lately even more so. The everyday often seems to shut me down and lately what I see as "alien invasions" of my space has led to a massive period of confusion, where anger and negativity seem to have had the upper hand. I lost myself and felt far from home.

What helps? Being around those people who know the "secret things";walking by the sea; music and words; experiencing the art of others; creating my own; light; trees; flowers; the sound of the sea; smiles and laughter; love;

shadows and cracks on the pavement.

What they are saying I can't quite hear for all the other noise - both outside my head and inside.  

I just know they are telling me something.Thoses shadows and those cracks on the pavement.

“As long as a person is involved with warfare, trying to defend or attack, then his action is not sacred; it is mundane, dualistic, a battlefield situation.”
― Chögyam Trungpa

Sitting in the garden yesterday afternoon with my new headphones and listened to this. I was swept away by the words - enchanted.

Pick up a pen. Pick up a paintbrush. Play more. Laugh so much more. Let go. Relax. Be generous. Be curious. 

Stop being afraid. 

Love.

Then I realised I could hear so much noise even with my headphones in. This garden must be the noisiest place in the world. First there was a child over the back way, on some kind of wheeled vehicle, going up and down the alley. Then another child stood on the roof of their shed and started shouting as loud as they could. Then there was the sound of the TV coming from our house, Mr Greenfingers Grr! Then next door the children came out and started bouncing on the trampoline. Then they got into a fight as they do and the youngest started wailing. The ice-cream van circled the block playing Waltzing Matilda several times.

I shut my eyes and tried to shut it all out and listen to the words. I drifted off into the book for a time.

Then a sudden shock awakening as Mr Greenfinger's daughter slammed something down on the table. Then a helicopter overhead.

I never realised how noisy it was out there.

Laugh more. 

Stop being angry. Stop being afraid. Listen. See. Step forward on the path. Focus. Forgive.

 “There is no less holiness at this time- as you are reading this- than there was on the day the Red Sea parted, or that day in the 30th year, in the 4th month, on the 5th day of the month as Ezekiel was a captive by the river Cheban, when the heavens opened and he saw visions of god. There is no whit less enlightenment under the tree at the end of your street than there was under Buddha’s bo tree…. In any instant the sacred may wipe you with its finger. In any instant the bush may flare, your feet may rise, or you may see a bunch of souls in trees.”

― Annie Dillard

Singalonga Saturday: from "City of Angels"

"When someone tells you the truth, lets you think for yourself, experience your own emotions, he is treating you as a true equal - as a friend." 

- Whitney Otto

My blogging is getting a little lazy lately. I'm sharing lots of music videos and my #365 days photographs. It's hot and my brain seems only able to just about cope with work issues. The heat is lovely and I want it to last forever. Our house is full of young twenty somethings and I am finding the lack of privacy and space difficult. Mr S is having some work issues again, whereas I have a fantastic opportunity coming up (most likely). There is so much going on right now, most of it challenging in some way(even positive ways), and I am really trying(and often failing) to have a positive attitude towards it all. When there is so much that is positive on offer to me, within the challenge, why is it that I feel like packing up my bags and walking out of my life?

I miss a true friendship of equals. It seems a long time ago since I experienced that. 

Lucky Charm - In Box and Blogger Wisdom on a Monday

On this day of your life, I believe God wants you to know...

...that you can live a charmed life, and that there is a

formula by which you can make this work.

Here is the formula: You can live a charmed life by

causing others to live a charmed life. That is, be the

source of 'charm' -- of charming moments and

experiences -- in the life of another.

Be everyone else's Lucky Charm! Make all who you

touch today feel 'lucky' that you crossed their path.

Do this for a week and watch things change. Do it

for a month and you'll be a different person.

Neale Donald Walsch

When I opened the email that contained these words, it reminded me of certain folks whom I have met in life that just seem to be able to do this "naturally". They touch others. They make you feel special and loved with their presence. They might not "live a charmed life" in the way one might think of such a life, they still face their own particular challenges and dark days. When they leave you, you feel better for the encounter.

To me they are charmed in the way they approach their lives, although the word "charmed" suggest some effortless form of magic, which I know is not the case. I have written before about how some personalities are just happier and more joyful, more outgoing and friendly. Some people know just what to say to someone who is going through tough times. I also know that "looking on the bright side", and "positive thinking" are not some magical cure-all.

All this said, I do acknowledge the hard work that people put into bringing magic to their encounters with others, and into making the world a better place.

I acknowledge the responsibility they take for making a difference. It is a conscious choice they make whatever their personality type.

When things are going wrong, one thing after another, and life seems empty of people; it would be easy to shut the door on life and become bitter; to feel that you are just not destined to be happy, safe, secure; to throw up your hands and abdicate responsibility; to retreat to a less grown up place; to bury your head in the sand. The effort required to be a source of charm or magic, at these times, seems just too great.

Yet I am drawn to those who have the ability to be that charm for others. I stare at them as I try to work out how they do it. I watch how they live their lives, and how they commit themselves to making a difference. I blog about them and tell their stories. I stand open mouthed at their courage.

A week of being a lucky charm? I think I can manage that.

Moment by moment,
step by step,
I choose to make a positive change.
I am taking a breath,
I am returning from the shadows,
to create some of my own special brand of magic,

Also loving this today - a message to myself - both the blog post and the music! 

A-Z of Joy: G is for Greenfingers(Mr), Gardening and Gratitude

Mr Stayingawake's other nickname, for blogging purposes, is Mr Greenfingers. When he was suffering from  depression a few years ago, related to him losing contact with his children, a counsellor he was talking to at the time suggested he take up gardening as therapy. His Dad had always been a keen gardener, and Mr G had lots of knowledge about growing, that he never used. He started getting out into the garden everyday. I took some time off work to be at home with him, and took him out to garden centres so that he could buy seeds, plants and develop his interest. Gradually, although there were relapses, he started to feel better.

Mr Greenfingers is a very joyous personality. He brings a smile and a laugh to others whenever he can. That is another of his talents. Though he is much better now, I feel that he is not the same person he was before we faced the loss of his children eight years ago. We have also faced other challenges, as everyone does in life; some of these thrust upon us, some of my own making. Throughout all of this, Mr G's courage, his humour and his steadfastness has brought so much joy, love and support into my life. More than I could ever have imagined.

Mr Greenfingers brings so much Joy with his Gardening. Here are some of his first "creatures".

A Fuchsia rom Mr G's garden - 2009

From Mr G's Garden - 2009

More blooms that bring joy from Mr G's garden - 2009

Some fruits(or rather veg) from Mr G's labour - August 2010

We all know those times when life throws us a curved ball, everyone of us has them. Sometimes they come one after another, and fast. We catch, and catch, and run, and run, feeling neat and tidy, and a little bit proud of our catching skills.

Remember the satisfying smack-sound, and the feel of the ball as it lands, as if pulled by a magnet, snugly into your cupped hand, neat trick eh?

Remember playing for your team, smacking the ball with your bat just right, into the sky; then dropping the bat and running as fast as you could before the ball starts to return to earth.

Remember playing two ball against the wall, or juggling? What fun it was. How great to be able to keep up the momentum. I can hear the rhythm of it even now.

Then sometimes, a ball is heading in your direction, that is not simply curved, but so huge that it bowls us right over. We are on the floor, we miss the catch (as it just isn't possible); and we drop all of the other balls we have been keeping up too!

It's those times that make the capacity to feel joyous much harder. There are also theories about genetics and personality, that suggest that some people are simply more predisposed to more feelings of sadness or to being more joyful. I must say I do wonder if that is the case sometimes. Of course early childhood, parent's personality, education and parenting style impact. Also the support systems you have around you as a child and in adult life also play a part in building resilience.

One G that has also helped me through some really difficult times, is a daily Gratitude practice which I started in June 2008 and continued for most days until August 2010. It becomes a way of thinking after a while, so much so that I don't need to write it down all of the time, and definitely a source of increasing the feelings of Joy. I suppose at particularly difficult times in life, it is a good idea to return to the practice of writing gratitudes down.

When I started writing this post, I found an article called ""15 ways to put more joy into your life"  written by this author and motivational speaker, and summing up why I had wanted to focus on Joy for this A-Z challenge. I have always been a very serious person since childhood, often unconsciously focusing on what is missing in my life rather than celebrating what is here. After a few years now of allowing myself to grieve properly for the loss of my Mum in childhood, I had arrived fully at this place where I know how wonderful my life is with all it's light, yes and even with all of it's shadow.

Strangely I started my A-Z of joy challenge and read these articles before this current shock of a curved ball hit us this week. As I remarked in my last post, it is almost as if the Universe was getting me ready for this one. I am Grateful for the journey that has brought me to this moment.

Another Challenge - please send some love and strength.

We are facing another challenge, dear friends.

It hit us hard and unexpectedly earlier this week.

I know that those blogging friends who pop in here, now and then, will send us some love and strength. It is not often I ask for help. I wish I could share the situation with you here, but it concerns someone else and is just far too personal to post somewhere so public.

Myself and Mr Stayinawake are holding on tight and I am preparing for a very rocky ride. While at the moment the situation is uncertain, things are likely to get very much worse, I cannot see how they will not.

On some days, since we heard the news, it feels very dark and hopeless. Then other times, I feel more hopeful and believe that it will all be ok.

Whatever does happen next, be it the worst case scenario or something less, we just have to take each step at a time, each moment at a time.

I am feeling winded yes, but tears are pricking the back of my eyes, not falling; I am still walking and talking; still doing my job; trying to continue on as normal. Not hiding under the covers and crumbling. Just waiting and prepared, for the next blow to strike; or for the release of hearing that it has all been a terrible mistake.

I know that whatever the outcome, it is here, I have to face it; and I am able to be strong for myself and for the other person who it directly affects. I feel it is almost as if, all of the work I have been doing over the past few years, has been to get me ready for this. I don't like this situation, but I am ready for it. I will not fall apart.

Yesterday this arrived in my inbox. I breathed it in gratefully. 

Nothing is too big for Spirit to handle! You cannot out-give, out-grow, or overwhelm Spirit.

Nothing is too much for Universal Principle to handle or respond to. Why? because Spirit is INFINITE.

Make your claim; work through the problem; confront the challenge. With God(the Universe) as your partner, you have EVERYthing you need to walk through ANYthing!

Today this. I breathed in some peaceful breaths. There is nothing I can do. It is out of my control. Fighting it will, right now, just make me weaker.

It is "what it is". This is not resignation. Making this statement moves you out of resistance, denial, and pain, into acceptance.

Accepting "what is" , you can move beyond the question of "Why?", and into the question, "Now What?" 

Now you can engage in your life by conscious choice.

 Just what I needed to read this week. Thank you Dr Petra.

I am going to keep blogging as much as possible. It will keep me focused on the things that are good for me whilst this horror is happening. Thank you for always being there my friends.

Where to start? - Ramblings. In-box and calendar wisdoms, beloved blogs, and music.

I am struggling to stay above water in these first few days of 2012.

Serious sorting out of myself, how I choose to spend my time and my habits is needed.

Knowing where to start is hard however.

Christmas and New Year are usually a rest and time for reflection, but I haven't had this luxury this time (or rather I have fallen back into old patterns of making everything harder than it needs to be!).

This first week of 2012, my year of living ALIVE, I have been pretty much falling back into the old routine; the "skin of my teeth" lifestyle; no spaces in between; juggling to balance the contradictions within; striving to do right without; failing; hardening; lack of care; lack of attention; mental and physical exhaustion; choosing not to choose because there is just to much to do and not enough energy with which to do it all.

So today and tomorrow I will make time to breathe. Time to notice and allow the spaces just to be.

Time also to think about what I want 2012 to look like...gently does it! Thank You Susannah Conway.

Maybe some sorting out of the number of blogs, articles, websites etc., I try (and fail) to read on a regular basis. Spreading myself thinly is not the way to live ALIVE.

In my in-box today were these precious words .......

"The "gap" is that moment in between - in between random thoughts, in between a hurtful word and a compassionate silence, in between a reaction and a thoughtful response, in between habit and choice.  Live in the "gap" as much as you can!  It's also the home of the Divine!"

Rev Petra

I have been noticing that my nervous energy has been allowing no gaps, no silences, no time to breathe, this last couple of months. Yesterday whilst visiting a client, I felt as if I was drowning, and started to panic about what to do to fix this person's problems. I felt I had no idea what to say or do. So I just sat in silence with her for quite a few moments. I allowed this space. She didn't need me to fill the silence, to take over, to bundle her along in a frenzy of panic, or of "doing". I tried to be present, to listen, to hear her, to see her...instead of simply seeing the problems and feeling pressure in my job role to fix it all. I slowed right down. I handed it gently back to her, using some tough but gentle questions to help her start to see a path forward. One step at a time. 

I 've been working in this particular role for only six months, and I can already feel myself almost at the point I reached in my last similar role after three or four years. Where I am at overwhelm. Maybe I need to stop working with people? Or maybe I just need to live more in the "gap".

I've been getting these reminders about "spaces" for a few days now. Socially and in the office, I've been noticing my tendencies to talk all of the time, babbling complete and utter drivel, just because I am nervous. Trying too hard. Yesterday the thought of facing anyone at all was almost too much to bear. I stayed out of the office as much as possible, and tried to get back in touch with the work itself.

I received this lovely desk calendar for Christmas from Mr S, and Thursday's entry promised me many valuable reminders this year.....

"Listening to the silence is probably one of the most profound experiences we can have in our everyday life. We women who do too much tend to rush through silences and may even feel uncomfortable when we have moments of silence. Listening to that silence can bring many surprises. This year we will explore our relationship with silence."

This morning I had some time to visit my favourite blogs and comment a little. I read about Jojo's doctor's orders. Simplifying and nourishing sound very good to me, and just what I need if I am going to live alive in 2012. I also need to get some proper sleep and routine. 

The scanning and gathering nature that is mine and which I worked on calming down in 2011, is still in need of some careful attention. Part of living alive is about slowing down and noticing details, my word for 2012 was very nearly "Savour". Kat writes so beautifully about this word  at "I saw you dancing". 

ALIVE involves some savouring; a very different kind of energy; some slowing down and simplifying; some silence; living in the gap and in the light; looking with gentle eyes; listening; spending time with my heart's desires; nourishment; much joy, peace and love. 

"I'll kiss you awake, and we'll have time
To know our neighbours all by name, and every star at night
We'll weave our days together like waves, and particles of light."

The Weepies - Simple Life

How the Grinchy Me was in danger of stealing my peace! (or lessons being learned..... repeat, repeat, repeat)

The Ginchy Me has been out and about since my last post, freezing up my heart, and leaving little peace on earth here at Staying Awake towers. I'm not really sure how she got out of her dungeon....but out she has been with a vengeance; leaving me no space for reverb11 reflections, full of shame and with little idea or capacity for banishing her back whence she came!

Today I came home from work early, and took myself up to bed, where Grinchy Me could do no more damage. After sleeping for a few hours, I awoke to huge, sorry for myself tears, flooding down my cheeks and with no let up in sight.

It seems to have done me some good(and everyone else too). After driving through the rain yesterday, then today the same, with an added soaking from wind fuelled waves crashing over the barrier onto the road, I realised that this softening was just what I had been longing for. A great outpouring of the sadness that was behind the appearance of this much more developed and very ugly, 2011 version of Grinchy Me.

I decided to have a little wander and a read over on the Spirituality and Practice site, I looked down the list of practices and stopped at "Hospitality". We have had a house guest staying with us for the past two weeks and he will still be with us for another week. Whilst I normally love having guests, something about this happening has awoken Grinchy Me, whilst my more mindful self has fallen back to sleep for a while. Or had. Until today thank goodness.

As I read the introduction to the spiritual practice of Hospitality, I was shocked to read that this practice was a balance to criticalness and hostility, traits I have been feeling and perhaps showing in the past few days(if not to our guest then to Mr Staying awake).Not at all in the spirit of this season, nor how I would normally regard myself!

As I read this passage (from the website above), I felt a failure in all I have intended myself to be.....

We are practicing hospitality when we welcome guests — including strangers and enemies — into our lives with graciousness. An open house reveals certain things about us: we are well-disposed toward others, we focus on the positive, and we believe the universe is basically a friendly place.

 I felt hypocritical, as I often regard myself as a very tolerant person. I was nose to nose with the worst of my humanness, not the best of it! I am really being tested and all I have achieved is to make a  very miserable me and a sorely tried Mr S! Our house guest is not someone I would normally choose to spend my time with, however, he deserves to be given my best(or as close to it as i can get) for the time he is with us. He deserves to be shown compassion, and acceptance where he is in life. I can make it a big deal, or I can smile, lighten up, gently affirm my boundaries and show the Grinchy Me with her hard, closed heart, how to love.

"Boundaries allow us to give more to others, not less. Boundaries do not exclude the other; in fact, if you become a person with actual boundaries, you are better able to give to other people because you do not feel diminished by them. Giving is a joy because you want to give, and not because someone has manipulated you and you gave in." 

Homan and Pratt (Radical Hospitality)

 I am back. Our house guest is happy. Mr S is let off the hook. And the Grinchy Me is accepted, allowed a place at the table, within strict boundaries and with some compassion. A happy ending after all.

Reverb11 - Day 7

Day 7 prompt was What guidance did you receive from your higher self in 2011?

I've been wracking my brains for something to write for this prompt. It's 10.30 pm and I am still drawing a blank. Not helped by a really busy day sorting out bills for someone I work with, then a frantic rush across town to try to get to a late appointment; and another frantic rush back across town to search the shops for paint, bowls, shelving and lampshades before the shops shut(because of course all of these items are essential for a happy Christmas...not).

I'm too tired to go upstairs and search the computer for an image to add here and a quote that is just right too. I chose to go into the kitchen and paint a radiator cabinet instead. My nostrils are full of paint fumes, my head is aching just a little from them and it's time for bed.

I know that my higher self did send guidance during 2011, but most times her messages are simply drowned out by all of the other noise going on. I think the time I had home this year and not working, really helped me to get in touch with a higher self. Going to Yoga class for the very first time ever and taking up a practice, really allowed me to get more in touch with my body and my spirit, after a long time living in my head. Walking also helped with this too. Sadly after six months back at work, I almost feel back to square one with it all.....almost.....thank goodness......not at square one.

To be honest, in May I did receive the most wonderful guidance....right now I cannot recall what I was doing...I wish I could weave a story around it that would really mark this happening.

It was simply through a series of readings I had been doing, all leading me to recognise that I knew the shadow part of me so well, but that I had no idea of the light.

It really hit me just what I had been doing to myself for so many years. I was ashamed, sorrowful and overjoyed at the same time.

Ashamed that I had allowed myself to become so small, mean and closed up; and that all that I had wanted to become in life, had not been realised because of this.

Sorrowful because I had missed opportunities to shine, being so identified with and consumed by my shadow.

Overjoyed because I had found the light in me, and was able to start to make it stronger. The shadow had become more manageable and less distorted. The light that I had thought had gone out, was still burning.

Thank you for this prompt today. I am reminded to make time for listening to and noticing that trail of breadcrumbs that leads me home. I am reminded what is needed for me to hear and to see.

Inbox Wisdom and Thank Yous

Today I recieved these beautiful and wise words in my inbox.....

......your hearts know in silence the secrets of the days and the nights.

Kahlil Gibran said that, and he was right. Listen, therefore, to your heart. Cultivate the ability to do this. Practice it. Produce it. Perfect it.

It is not that difficult. Just be quiet with yourself. And for heaven's sake, stop listening to your mind. You will not find the truth there. You may find the answer, but it will not be the truth unless it coincides with the answer in your heart.

You think there is more to know about life than this, but there is not. Your heart holds the key. Your heart holds the wisdom. Your heart holds the future. Your mind knows nothing but the past. It imagines the future will be just like yesterday, so it makes it decisions based on that. Only your heart can see beyond memory's horizon.

From Neale Donald Walsch

I'm just going out but decided instead of stuffing my face with food just because it was tea time, I would use the time to come back here, say thank you and have another ramble.

A big thank you to all the kind blogger friends who commented on my post yesterday, you really helped. Nothing is wrong at all. Really. Just maybe I need to listen to my heart and tp not be so afraid.

Maybe also to accept and be with the fears, sadness and the minor complaints, to be with them and not to deny them for risk of seeming ungrateful for what I have.

 

 

I am so truly grateful for all that I have in my life.

 

 

Also to stop being discouraged by hearing negative, cruel and judgemental comments being thrown about by people who work alongside me, about other people in society and how they might live their lives. I read something last week about how using labels for other people is just a lazy mind and that totally made sense to me. There is just so much more labeling and division about lately. I suppose instead of bottling it up I could just write about it here. Part of me is resisting what I know is partly true about society and what is wrong with our systems. However the blame game will only serve to take us to further misery and pain. I suppose I need to find a way to accept people's views and feelings, acknowledge where they are and do my best to turn their anger and judgement into understanding.

 

 

Love is so powerful and can change the world, change lives....no need to be afraid at all.

 

 

I am hitting an old, old familiar impasse, which is telling me that those new boundaries I recognised earlier in the year, are stll badly needed. If I am to follow my heart, and still be able to be healthy and well and effect change, then gentle, loving boundaries are needed. As are wise friends and self care. If I am feeling alone with it all, then fear and exhaustion will win.

 

 

Trust, openness, love and boundaries....that doesn't sound too difficult does it? 

Funny old week - funny peculiar(that's life) - more ramblings.

Make a bed for the children of other people in the place where your own children sleep.

— Moroccan folk saying quoted in Wisdom of the African World
edited by Reginald McKnight and found here.

July 2011

It's been a funny old week. One that has had several moments where the old heart strings have been well and truly tugged at in one way or another. Tonight the week ended with fierce, angry tears and another lesson or two about listening to my gut, and about letting people go(or you can't please all of the people all of the time, no matter how hard you try!lol).

The quotation above is one that I've always been drawn to. I found it on the Spiritual Literacy section of the Spirituality and Practice  blog that I was so fortunate to discover a few months ago. The one practice I keep coming back to is that of connection, and that is where I found this quote that speaks to me so much. Someone called me a do-gooder tonight. Maybe I am. Maybe I am a wanna-be do-gooder. There are worse things I could do, as the song says.

So much that I wanted and still want to be, always seems to lie just beyond my reach. So all I can do is to accept, and to learn from this sense of lack that I so often feel with regard to connection. Something I have been trying to practice in recent years, is to stop wanting something so badly; and to stop wallowing in self-pity and lack; to start giving what you lack wherever possible. Not so that it will come back to you, but because it really does make you feel better. 

Most of the time. You start to feel better....most of the time.

And then there are weeks like this one. Inevitable. When all that has gone before, all you have done to contribute to your present day situation, hits you again full in the gut, in the heart. An old familiar feeling that your heart just might break again and that you cannot put one foot in front of the other, that you cannot face what is to come...whatever shade between the extremes of good and bad it may be.

It always comes back, just as strong each time, but you face it a little differently now and ask what is this visitor telling me. Welcoming in the guest for a while, saying hello again, allowing it just to be here and trying not to run from it or to use it as something to attack yourself and all of your good progress with it. Just like in the Rumi poem The Guest House , which asks us to welcome all of our feelings, even the darkest ones.

Wednesday was my lovely Mr Stayingawake's daughter's twenty-first birthday. He hasn't seen her or her brother since they were 12 and 10. Contact has been minimal due to their mother not allowing them to see him. We have spent the past ten years fighting this through the courts but to no avail. He speaks to her nowadays on the internet, but it is very early days, he doesn't speak to her brother as the young man is not ready as yet. We live in hope. We have lived with the pain everyday since the day the contact was stopped by the children's mother. Not my pain. His. It has clouded our life together.

I was feeling very selfish yesterday, as it was(funnily enough) my nephew's daughter's 21st birthday, and I refused an invitation for us both to share in her celebration on Saturday evening, when her parents invited us to join them in a local restaurant. I felt that my Mr Stayingawake could not be expected to attend this occasion, as much as we would love to celebrate with her. It is just too close to his own daughter's special (21st) birthday. I was agonising, because I want to share this event and be with my family. I feel guilty. I feel as if I should be there. That as we have little contact with the young people in the family now they are grown, that this is a good time to enjoy them, to celebrate them. I love my family connections but this has been strained also in recent years due both to the situation with Mr Stayingawake's children(people do judge even when they do not know the full story); and due to my own feelings of regret about my own parenting choices. 

Heartbreak came also this week, at being offered a place on a course (if I can get work with children) but recognising that maybe this is not what I want. And then what is it I want? Isn't it a bit late for all of this? Resentment at having spent most of my life gaining qualifications, only for them to be "useless" now I am in transition. After all this time not knowing what I am here to do. It feels like I somehow missed every boat possible. Or rather took the wrong boats. 

In August Mr Stayingawake and myself found out that what we had decided was our purpose, we were not allowed to do, and this because of the issues he had had with his children. 

Heartbreak this week came at watching this week's Panarama which highlights the exploitation of children as beggars, on our streets here in the UK, and all over Europe. When we were away in France I saw a woman begging with two children and of course gave her money, how could I not? There I was buying food and there they were.....two little ones who would love to eat a crepe with nutella and banana. It was not enough of course. What amount of money will ever solve this problem? I wish I could go back and buy all three of them a crepe with nutella and banana instead of giving the money. In the world we live in though, what good would that have done except to make me feel momentarily better? 

Last Friday I had to take a long hard look at myself when faced with someone sleeping rough through my work. Knowing we have two empty bedrooms in the house right now and are "not allowed" to fill them with children is a difficult one. My heart tells me now, that I need to fill it with people who have nowhere to live. My head tells me to think......what about Mr Stayingawake.....what about my sanctuary? I am a professional working in homelessness.... I cannot take everyone home with me. But this is telling me something. Work needs to be done here. 

Yesterday was the funeral of little Harry Moseley whose work I've posted about previously. This small boy who knew what he had to do and what he had to face, can teach all of us lost souls a big something. He was here for such a short time and did so much with his time. On such a day, all there is is our best. Intentions or actions, our best offering is good enough.We each of us know what our best offering is.

Home and Dry?

September Rain - Sept 2011

Words seem to fail me since I got back from my holiday last Wednesday. I had plans to blog my final few days of leave away, reading and commenting as much as possible. I'd really missed having the time to blog in the run up to the holdiday, which had been a bit manic with little time for writing, thinking or anything. All the excitement and preparation paid off, as the holiday was really lovely. Some precious time together, lots of sunshine, no television or internet for the first five days and although I did take a book with me, I didn't even read it much. I think I was on shut down. Information overload had left me simply wanting to soak up the sunshine and use my fives senses in other ways than usual.

Funnily enough, since we came home, I haven't really wanted to write anything very much. So this post is just a ..."get to the keyboard and see what happens"....kind of post.

It was my second day back at work today, and I can feel the sensory memories slipping away......

The weather here has been awful since September when we had very high winds and rain. Now we are home here it is again...cold, wind, rain and more rain ....and more wind. It was dark tonight as I drove home pretty early for me. The clocks go back this month which marks the decent into winter. We are expecting a very cold winter, for the past two years snow has hit us in parts of the UK that it never often did. I'm honestly not moaning about the weather.....I know we are lucky here not to suffer the extremes that other places do. I also know how lucky I am to have had a holiday. It just feels so dark and dreary after the wonderful warmth, blue skies and sea of Italy and France.

It's not just the weather that's making me a bit grouchy. Things are not looking pretty here on the economic front and I am seeing so many people in trouble through my work. After two days back on the job I am searching hard for the good news. It's there...a young woman expecting her first baby finds somewhere to live; and I see courage(through great pain) in another young parent's eyes as she faces family life on her own.

I'm reflecting on lessons learned once again through my own discontent and irritability....I'm human after all. Amazingly I can pull myself back now more often, thanks to my mindfulness practice(which needs more discipline right now I know). Several itchy places occurred on holiday when I found myself selfishly wanting to do things, but having to make sacrifices to accommodate another's needs. After we arrived home I managed to throw a huge tantrum over another (what I saw as an) inconvenience coming my way; afterwards I ate humble pie and saw just how ridiculous all my noise and resistance had been. Then on Saturday a letter arrived with more "inconvenience" - again I just have to let go and open my arms and my heart.

All of these lessons, and the memories of feeling (almost) totally relaxed on holiday, lead me to conclude that all of this rain is needed. I need a good soaking! :) I've been a bit dry and so has life. Keeping safe whilst I mended and healed. Wise then. Now I am conscious of the danger of slipping back and instead of taking forward the wider lessons of the past year or so, of keeping closed, of not opening my heart as I had learned was needed, and had started to take steps towards. I was still holding back.

So the holiday memories that will stay with me most and that I will dive into, as I start this next learning journey, are of being in or on water; of the sun on my face and of cooling breezes; of my body striding boldly out each day and of my heart opening to risk, to love and to laughter. There will be more swimming, more walking and spending time in the open air(even if it is raining and windy), and more time for other folks... if only to share a smile or a few moments of conversation. A bit of a clear out is also long overdue - time to focus down again for a while on one or two projects - being more present......getting a good drenching!

Me Waving(not drowning) - Italy 2011

Ramblings: Time Passing. Ths Precious Moment. Becoming Unstuck. In-box wisdom.

Oh goodness me. It's almost the middle of September already.

I knew it was September but wasn't that just yesterday?

How are you feeling?

Me?

Well this week was the week it all started to catch up with me, hence no blog posts.

Nothing terrible or anything. Just a body and mind that seem to get overwhelmed and exhausted very quickly these days. My mind always did that, but my body....I always had bags of energy and never really saw the link between the two. Maybe I just notice it more these days, which is good I guess.

So I guess I just need to stop running around as much, and turn down the full on "everything is a crisis" setting.

This week things seemed to have gone right back to square one in terms of letting my job take over my life! When my body gets exhausted, my mind starts to play tricks on me and tell me untrue things about myself.
I also slip back into the old "nothing is good enough, do more, do more," treadmill of distorted thinking.

So this weekend it's time to take a little look at what I've learned in the period from March to July this year when I wasn't working. Funnily enough, things feel a bit worse since the end of ICAD summer challenge. Coincidence? Something is telling me not.

These photos are giving me some pointers.

Most of July and August were spent getting to grips with a new job and for a company that do not seem to value their workforce. This first one is how I was feeling for most of the summer - sometimes exciting; often frustrating and confusing; beautifully busy.

Whirling - July 2011

I still continued to make time for activities I love, rediscovered this year. This hasn't really become difficult until the last couple of weeks. On saying that I managed yoga three times this week, and have made time for family and visits to beautiful and interesting places throughout July and August. Until the end of last month, I was still creating an Index Card a day no matter how rushed; and of course there was blogging.

Window- Love August 2011

 This window was a breathtaking discovery, found on one of those visits back in August. Part of a castle ruin, almost covered by gorgeous green Ivy and Brambles. They and the light transform this ordinary  window into something so beautiful. Time passes, the castle crumbles, a forest grows around it. Will this window still be here when the castle crumbles further? Doing it's work? Letting in the glorious light? Will the plants completely cover it?

Whatever happens, just at that moment on a sunny day in August 2011, it made my heart leap with it's beauty.

A strange conincidence happened yesterday, when I noticed a "Stained Glass" making course starting in October. I have to check the cost first but I would LOVE to do such a course. I've been wondering how I could recreate something inspired by this window, ever since I saw it.

Even with all of the attention I've given to self-care, at the beginning of this week, this is how I felt (see photo below). This was taken last year, but it illustrates the beginning of September 2011 for me, quite nicely. Captured when I was out walking, in training for the trip to China.

Sacredy Caterpillar - September 2010

As I was looking through last September's photos, I realised it was nearly a year since China, and also nearly a year since we lost my adopted Grandmother.



Then of course we cannot forget, that this weekend is the ten year anniversary of the horrific events in New York. I watch some documentaries and news items, in horror once again. Like it is yesterday. How the relatives and survivors must be feeling, I can but imagine.

Time marches on, waits for no man (or woman) etc., etc.


 There is no time to curl up in fear. Well not for very long.

So I shook myself out and made sure I caught up on sleep, did some yoga and made myself some promises. I noticed the tendancy I have to lose myself in work and took a few steps back from other people's problems (which my job involves). If I am to do my job well I have to have boundaries, and I cannot let myself be overwhelmed by fear. I read some emails, gave myself a stern but compassionate talking to, and took a deep breath. Balancing being courageous at work, and my own self-care needs is tricky. The first takes so much of my energy so that the second turns into "sleep and collapsing on the sofa in front of the TV." Again it's all about choices isn't it?

The "scaredy caterpillar" phase only lasted until Tuesday morning. Big smiles.

------------------------

This timely message, arrived in my in box a few days ago along with another about fear.

Just what I needed to read. I've only quoted parts of it but have also added a link to the full text.

Who are you?

This is a question of such scope and vagueness as to be nearly empty, but any site with an About Me section wants to know anyway. And after some time spent getting to know you, people shift from asking you this question to telling you the answer.

In a culture that so values independence, it's easy to say "I don't care what anybody thinks!" as we zip up our windbreaker. But even if we have a high sense of self-worth, the real answer is almost always closer to "I deeply care what a few people think!" 

This matters when people you trust, people you see every day, people you could mistake for your own reflection, are telling you who you are.........

Sometimes you will be made to feel powerful, other times helpless, perhaps by the same person in the space of one day. The fact is, people are contradictory, kind sometimes and mean at others, confident and then lost, mature and then childish. Contradiction isn't a catastrophe in a person, not like in a court case or a logical argument, but we act like itis, and when we see it in ourselves we feel like hypocrites. Unless we are decisively opportunistic with our beliefs and actions, our tendency to feel bipolar or inconsistent 

mostly comes from dealing with people who do also, and who are never taking in 100% of you at once......

I could go on. You know I could. This stuff is hard. So I want to tell you about a superpower that everyone has that combines appreciation of the difficulty of self-knowledge with the kind of self-reinventing motivation provided by Fear.less and other things.

You can reject what someone tells you about yourself.

Don't listen. Don't let people shut you down. Don't let people box you into one label - even if it's a true label, so are thousands of others.

A final caveat: Rejecting every external negative assessment of oneself is how jerks stay jerks. You have to at least consider a possibility for a split-second before you can reject it, and you have to build your sense of self on a foundation of gentleness and honesty to get the most mileage out of the calculated acceptance of criticism.

Matt

http://fearlessstories.com/

I will also add that you can also reject what you tell yourself about yourself (with the same caveat).

Hope Saturday is kind to you, and that you can give yourself some quiet space just to breath.

ICAD #11 - It Matters.

 

I found this poster on Tuesday, pinned on the wall of a very dirty community centre kitchen, where I had been sent to make tea. 

I like the reminder. 

But then I'm always getting reminders and then just forgetting again. 

Life moves on and I fall asleep again. 

Then yesterday I get another reminder in a less subtle, much more shocking way. I am still reeling from the pain of what has happened to someone I once knew. Someone with whom I spent so many of my days. Someone that I cannot now help or comfort, because I walked away from our friendship. I walked away because at the time I was feeling sorry for myself, depressed, anxious and ashamed. I was only thinking of myself and how unworthy I was. Unable to reach out to others or be of any use to anyone.....or so I thought. I've lost so much in life through my own stupidity, and through my own bitterness. I've lost the chance to share in the good times. I've lost the chance to give support, give myself, give my time, give my love.

So today I will reach out again and I will not worry about my imaginings. 

I always say that life is too short to hold back. Then I hold back through irrational fears. I draw myself up. I keep myself safe. So why have I been so unhappy? 

Someone like me, who lost a parent early in life, should surely know this lesson well?

 

Ah now. No more anguish and no more regret.

There is enough sorrow. 

 

We spend too much of our time with fear.

 It's time for full on joy. Every moment matters. 

"The dark does not destroy the light; it defines it. It's our fear of the dark that casts our joy into the shadows."

Brene Brown

Here are my Index cards for this week starting with today's card. I love these words from the Mary Oliver poem particularly......"In the personal life, there is always grief more than enough, a heart-load for each of us on the dusty road. I suppose there is a reason for this, so I will be patient, acquiescent."

"...a heart-load for each of us."

ICAD 65 - 28/8/11

ICAD 60 - 23/8/11

ICAD 61 - 24/8/11

ICAD 62 - 25/8/11

ICAD 63 - 26/8/11

ICAD 64 - 27/8/11

With the "heart-load" of grief that so many people have to bear, I wonder sometimes how they get up and carry on each day. 

As always I am in awe of the courage and strength of human beings.

It matters that I acknowledge this today.

A Reminder to Myself.

Messenger

My work is loving the world.
Here the sunflowers, there the hummingbird —
equal seekers of sweetness.
Here the quickening yeast; there the blue plums.
Here the clam deep in the speckled sand.

Are my boots old? Is my coat torn?
Am I no longer young, and still not half-perfect? Let me
keep my mind on what matters,
which is my work,

which is mostly standing still and learning to be
astonished. 

The phoebe, the delphinium.
The sheep in the pasture, and the pasture.
Which is mostly rejoicing, since all ingredients are here,

which is gratitude, to be given a mind and a heart
and these body-clothes,
a mouth with which to give shouts of joy
to the moth and the wren, to the sleepy dug-up clam,
telling them all, over and over, how it is
that we live forever.


Mary Oliver

While Walking - May 2010

La Mariposa: Send a butterfly to Nicaragua

The text below is taken from Amnesty International's Take Action Pages.

"The butterfly (la mariposa) for us is a symbol of the desire to realise our dreams, spread our wings... fighting with the strength of our rights." 

Martha Munguiá, Nicaraguan Alliance of Women's Centres

On 28 September 2011 women's organisations and Nicaraguan men, women and children will be marching to demand the repeal of the country's total abortion ban and an end to widespread violence against women and girls.

Two-thirds of reported rapes in Nicaragua are against girls and young women under the age of 17.

Many girls are trapped in abusive situations with no way out. The stigma associated with the crime means it is often the survivor - not the abuser - who is blamed. For girls who speak out, the struggle for justice can be traumatic. Failures and lack of resources in the justice system often mean cases collapse and attackers walk free.

Some young survivors face extra trauma if they become pregnant because of the rape. For these women and girls the idea of giving birth may be unbearable as well as dangerous to their health the younger they are.  

But in Nicaragua they have no choice. Since 2008, the law has made all forms of abortion in all circumstances a crime, even where the health and life of the woman is in danger or where she is the victim of rape or incest.

There is little or no help from the government, which has failed to prevent sexual abuse, to provide care to survivors or to guarantee they receive justice and reparation. Young rape survivors need psychological, medical and legal support and help to rebuild their lives.

Amnesty International are asking us to show our support and solidarity for the girls and women of Nicaragua by creating a butterfly of hope and posting a message in time for the march in September. You can also send an email to the president of Nicaragua asking him to develop a national plan to tackle this problem as a matter of urgency.

Thank you for reading. Thank you for caring. It doesn't seem enough does it? However I am sure that the support of people like us, so far away, will help the people of Nicaragua stay strong in the struggle for the protection of and compassion for, their women and girls.

Pressure on the Ugandan Government back in May helped prevent a bill being passed that would have included the death penalty for some homosexual acts. So though some people here might question the effectiveness of these small actions we can take while sitting at home on our computers, we have already seen how together we can make a difference.

I'm pinching this quote below that I spotted today over at this blog , where the courage and commitment to work for what is just and compassionate is very evident.

"Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, concerned citizens can change the world. Indeed it is the only thing that ever has."

– Margaret Mead