Letting the days go by - more 365days.

"If you hold on to the handle, she said, it's easier to maintain the illusion of control. But it's more fun if you just let the wind carry you." 

Brian Andreas

15th March - Sea Mist

Pausing in the middle of these busy days, just to look at the sea and take a photograph; is helping to keep me "safe". As those of you who come here regularly know, I have periods of depression and also find it difficult to be around other people too much. So just breathing in the sea air and being the only person standing looking out to sea on a grey day...these things are topping up my dwindling levels of "calm", as these very very busy days go by.

16th March - An inspiring woman speaker at the bedroom tax demonstration

Another way I keep "sane" is by finding like minded people and taking action about things I feel strongly about. I decided to get out demonstrating against this nasty "bedroom tax" last weekend. I did some shouting and some marching, whilst Mr Stayingawake entertained our house guests. This speaker was very inspiring. I wish I knew who she was and had recorded her speech.

17th March - Our houseguests like playing games, as does Boss Cat.

This is a very happy time for us. Mr Stayingawake has his twenty-two year old daughter and her boyfriend staying, as we prepare to celebrate his 50th birthday next week. They are here for a month and it is already a challenge for me. I am used to having a quiet place to come home to after very busy days at work. However I think we are all finding our rhythm now. It is good for me to let go of trying to control everything, for once!

18th March - All the way home I was drawn to the sky

Today I was happy that some appointments were cancelled and I could get on with my paperwork. This resulted in a calmer, more sociable me when I got home.

19th March - waiting for my lift home, the rain has set in for the night.

Not sure about these mood swings! They are a bit like the weather around here just now, frequently changeable. What a tired and grouchy person I was this evening.

20th March - Everyday at work I make a to do list - everyday it just gets longer! It will never look like this!

I'm afraid as the week goes on I am feeling more and more out of control!

21st March - Riding the ice-cold wind.

Like the seagull here, I have resolved just to ride the wind and accept that at the moment I have little control over anything at all. It is very revealing, just how set in my ways I actually am. Even as I think that I am much more free and less afraid than I used to be, a challenge shows me that nothing much has really changed. I welcome the chance to learn again.

I swear the weeks are getting busier!

8th March - The last of the snowdrops.

Weekend focus is on cleaning the house ready for guests.

10th March - The sun goes down on the weekend.

12th March - Light snow showers fell gently today on spring flowers and ducks.

13th March - Snow was still visible on the distant hills.

14th March - Making time to stop on a busy day.

A week of flowers, cats and wallpaper.

Last week's photos. A little haphazard, busy times at work again, so I'm just spapping here and there on my way through. Not much composition going on in most of these. Just point and shoot. Another busy week flies by. It's March already! Can you believe it?

March 1st - This creature has already been awakening for a week or two now.

March 2nd - just outside the kitchen door , these tiny creatures are opeing and closing with the light

March 3rd - one possible choice of wallpaper is admired by a red spider wearing a santa hat.

March 4th - More gorgeousness.

March 5th - Little cat is curious about my mobile phone; also about flowers and plants. She likes to rip off petals and leaves.

March 6th - Park benches and solitary walks.

March 7th - They say that snow is coming again next week.

Mother's Day Again

One of my heroes Billy Bragg, just shared this poem on Facebook. I know if I'd shared it there, no-one would have looked at it or connected with it. Or very few. Lots of people are sharing happy times on Facebook today; and some are missing Mums that they have lost very recently. I thought I'd share it here instead. It seems to fit my melancholy mood today.

I always find Mother's Day hard one way or another. I wonder what my Mum would have been like if she had lived and I had gotten to know her. I wonder if she would have understood me somewhat. Same old questions. Last week was the anniversary of her death. That day and Mother's day always overshadow March for me. She would have been 83 this year. I wonder if she would have had a garden? Would she have been anything like the woman in this poem?

I am very grateful for the woman who brought me up from the age of nine, and her family. They took me in and accepted me, in all my prickliness. Recently I recognised that I needed to grow up and be a grown up daughter to her. I struggle with this, though her own daughter(my sister) manages it very well. All of a sudden she became that adult daughter caring for her Mother. I missed the opportunity and got left behind though I am the elder. I feel on the outside still. I feel childish still. So I continue to avoid contact. Though this is all I long for. I feel it is better to stay on the outside in case I let them down. My sister fills her role as grown up only daughter so well. Do I sound bitter? I am not. Just a little sad.

Each Mother's day, whilst I celebrate that she is my "second Mum" and give thanks for this, I also grieve that my own Mother has been away so long. Seeing them together makes me miss that relationship I might have had. I struggle to make a relationship with either of them. The distance feels like a dark hole and I do not know how to reach across it. It is a dangerous place.

Some years there are simply more tears.

I know that I have to look at the abundance and not the lack. I habitually look at the lack or am Pollyanna making the best of it. In the middle somewhere maybe there is a place of acceptance and quiet sadness; compassion;  and gratitude. There is joy too. Somewhere amongst the shadows.

International Women's Day

Some music for today. I love Annie Lennox, she never fails to inspire me.

I've been busy today at work, mostly helping men actually! However, I wanted to come home and mark International Women's Day 2013 on the blog. I've been thinking about the above Annie Lennox song since last Saturday and was going to post it then. She has done so much good work to raise awareness and understands what it feels like as a privileged Western woman, who suffers from depression and wants to make a difference in the world by her presence.

As women our lives are linked inexorably to those of men. We are human. A day to celebrate women and to fight for equality and safety for women, does not exclude men, how could it? We have fathers and brothers, and sons. Our sons and brothers have daughters. We are Mothers or we contribute to building the future in some other equally important way. There are so many ways to help. All I can do today is to visit the UN women website and read about Shehnaz Bano. Here is a quote about the song released today to raise funds and awareness to improve women's lives.

"Launching on International Women's Day, 8 March 2013, the song is a rallying cry that inspires listeners to join the drive for women's rights and gender equality. "One Woman" was written for UN Women, the global champion for women and girls worldwide, to celebrate its mission and work to improve women's lives around the world.

This year, International Women’s Day focuses on ending violence against women — a gross human rights violation that affects up to 7 in 10 women and a top priority for UN Women. As commemorations are underway in all corners of the globe, "One Woman" reminds us that together, we can overcome violence and discrimination: "We Shall Shine!" Join us to help spread the word and enjoy this musical celebration of women worldwide."

Seven days

I feel as if I've learned such a lot this week. Yesterday I might have put it into words, but I've slept since then. Maybe if I start typing it will jog my memory. It feels as if this week has been a long one. It was my first full working week since I turned fifty. so that it seemed long is not surprising.

Yawn. Yes I know I keep mentioning that I am fifty. Apologies. It's just that I need to keep processing it, and resolving again and again, to move forward; to cast off some of the bad habits that have stayed with me all these years. They are familiar to me and hard to shake off, however if I want to make the most of the next decade(or simply every moment), which I do; they have to be taken in hand. Easy to write(as those of you who have been reading my blog for a while will know), so hard to actually do!

In this long week, I feel as if I grew a great deal. There were some tough lessons at work. There were some beautiful moments full of joy. So what did I learn this week?

My new birthday bracelet -  now my everyday bracelet - 22nd February

This week I learned just how much I appreciate how amazing it feels to bound about full of energy, and love, and confidence, and faith. At work and home. I learned to recognise the difference between this feeling and the other one, that creeps up so easily it seems  and squashes my spirit. I learned how much I want this good energy, this faith in myself and the world; and what I have to do to keep it close.

What's left of the birthday flowers - 23rd February

 I learned that sometimes you have to let someone die and to stop trying to save them.

Art journalling at the weekend - helping me start to thaw out. 24th February

I learned to breathe in hope and breathe out fear. I learned to look at life with love.

My lovely new coasters - 25th February

I learned that planning DIY projects can actually fill me with excitement and joy; instead of fear and hesitation. That maybe I do have a designer's eye. To trust my instincts even when others say that duck egg blue on the walls will not work with that red carpet. I learned that I do not have to feel guilty about spending money on nice things and celebrations. That colour is important to me and I can celebrate it.

Dusty Keyboard - 26th February

I learned that my keyboard is dusty. That I want to practise more. That I am putting on weight instead of losing it. That I miss walking. That I am saggy. That I already know that yoga will help. That time will still pass by even if I try to save it up by not "spending" it. That I have time for it all(ok possibly not all). That I need to say yes more.That I do not need to be afraid of being a beginner forever. That is who I am.

Sunset through my dirty car window - 27th February

I am learning that in my work, I am only responsible for doing my best; ensuring I am up to date; as knowledgeable as possible; that I keep my word and do not make promises; that I develop my skills in working with people; and that I am not responsible for a person's actions or choices - they are (but I can still feel compassion and sorrow rather than joining in with the judging and blame game). I am learning to balance compassion and accountability. I am learning that everyday I am doing what I can to the best of my ability and within a difficult system; that sometimes I make mistakes; that sometimes I feel helpless; that sometimes I feel inadequate; that sometimes I wrongly attribute blame, especially when I am angry with the system; that I need to reframe a few stories; that the world and people are still beautiful despite the horror and sorrow and poor choices and poverty of heart and means. I learned that my colleagues are all human and feeling the same. I looked into their eyes this week and saw that they are weary and sad. I listened to some of their words, and talked about death. I felt a connection. I didn't feel alone anymore. I learned what to do when I feel alone again.

28th February

I learned that I am so happy and comfortable in my skin this week. I am so happy to be alive. I learned that wherever I look I see beauty and I can smile. Even in the darkest of places, there are a pair of twinkly eyes and a joke; or a photograph of grandchildren, or dearly loved parent on the wall. I learned that in the middle of all of my joy, a sharp intake of breath reminds me that it can all be taken away in a matter of seconds; so close is the grief of living. I hear a cough through the wall and worry that it is lasting too long. It reminds me of how close it is. In joy we feel the grief. Reminding us to live, to laugh, to love each other. I learned not to let fear cast too long a shadow.