"Mustn't grumble."

"mustn't grumble"

 UK humorous› 

something you say to ​mean that ​your ​life is not ​bad and that you should not ​complain about it: "How's it going then, Mike?" "Oh, not too ​bad. Mustn't grumble." 

(Definition of mustn't grumble from the Cambridge Advanced Learner’s Dictionary & Thesaurus © Cambridge University Press) 

A day or two ago, I heard someone I love use this phrase when asked how she was. I know she was probably having a little smile to herself inside. A big part of how she copes with life and what makes her so amazing is her sense of humour. She would never share with most people her deepest darkest feelings and I hardly ever hear her saying anything negative. When I do see her, I see a lot of impatience and resentments that spill out every so often. We both learnt as children that we were a little bit "too selfish" and that we had to put everyone else before ourselves.

I'm not a fan of Chas and Dave , but had to share this piece from them in order to grumble about the culture of positivity and all associated aspects of British culture that need boxing up and storing away in the archives! Chas and Dave sing, " Laugh and the world laughs with you, cry and you cry all alone." Charming! But true. Many people don't like it when they have to deal with other people's unhappiness. Maybe this is something to do with why there is such a lack of understanding about depression and other mental health issues, that we need a World Mental Health Day and other campaigns designed to raise awareness and educate people both about what makes for good mental health and about mental illness itself.

And now, for your benefit dear reader, I am just making a quick digression (still in a grumbling tone) before I continue with my theme of grumbling....... Chas and Dave also sing the following:

You've got a beautiful chin,
You got beautiful skin,
You got a beautiful face,
You got taste,
You got beautiful eyes,
You got beautiful thighs,
You got a lot without a doubt,
But I'm finking 'bout blowin' you out,

Coz you won't stop talkin,
Why don't you give it a rest?
You got more rabbit than Sainsbury's,
It's time you got it off your chest,
Now you is just the kinda girl to break my heart in two,
I knew right off when I first clapped my eyes on you,
But how was I to know you'd bend my earholes too?
With your incessant talkin',
You're becoming a pest...."

Again, what a charming sentiment dontcha think? My heart sunk into my boots yesterday, when a 24 year old bright young female relative informed me, when talking about her relationship with her boyfriend and father of her baby, that she is, "such a nag."   

I am reminded of the medieval punishment using the "Scold's Bridle", this was also used on men, but more associated with trying to control women's behaviour at particular times in history.  

 "Nagging" is another concept that needs to be redefined, given what we understand now about the powerlessness of women's position throughout history. I'm liking this "brief history of nagging" from Left-Write. 

Nagging seems to be related to grumbling and moaning, and whilst not at all a concept only found in British Culture, is similar in it's casting of "the female", "expressing emotion" and "complaining about your lot", all as things that are just too difficult to deal with! 

From my calendar this week: 

"We live in a culture that worships logical, rational, linear thought processes, and distains and ignores feelings. Feelings are seen as uncontrollable, dangerous, and unnecessary. 

Thank goodness our female brains can handle feelings. Feelings are the doorway to our souls.

It's great that women haven't given up on feelings." 

 

 I really like this post from "last word on nothing" which talks about the difference between Brits and New Yorkers regarding complaining in a restaurant and also the difference between "grumbling" and "moaning". New Yorker's, apparently, have no issue with grumbling, which Sally defines as "directly expressing your displeasure with the goal of changing the situation." Whereas the British are experts in moaning, which she explains is more like commiserating and sharing your dissatisfaction with others who also understand that, "Sometimes things are simply a bit shit. No sense stressing yourself out about it." This goes along with that little bit of silver lining thinking, that has gone completely off the scale more recently with the advent of "Positive Thinking" as the solution to all our ills.

So us Brit's don't grumble, we look for the silver lining and are encouraged to do so when we do our "moaning" out loud. We are more pessimistic in our outlook, and Sally directs us to the research that tells us that pessimism does have it's benefits. Sally concludes her post, by highlighting that the grumbling New Yorker's are more unhappy and "neurotic" and she links this to perfectionism(which makes perfect sense!). Whilst us moaning Brit's, with our old "stiff upper lip" on hand to help us put up with life and it's disappointments (be they minor or major), might be happier and have better mental health?

Yes I know that myself and Sally are generalising here, and of course it is all much more complex and diverse than this! I come from a family culture that is a "mustn't grumble" culture at it's extreme, where feelings were never a good topic for discussion and we were encouraged to look on the bright side and where we were made to feel selfish and guilty about having negative feelings.

The "mustn't grumble" culture, is a little unkind - sometimes alot unkind, harsh even - and dismissive of people's feelings. It prevents connection and communication. In everyday conversation with family, friends and colleagues it is dismissive, disinterested and isolating. Not a healthy culture at all, but you can survive it if you have someone(at least one person) who understands.

Here are some thoughts about grumbling from a the Christian faith perspective, I would be interested to hear your views. Again I feel that this outlook is harsh. If people do not feel listened to, their feelings dismissed or solutions offered too early without acknowledging emotions, then my view is that this undermines community also, and creates fear, judgement and unhealthy competition. People go underground with their grumbles, which creates resentment and denial. Feelings do not just simply go away now do they? And if they are not heard, then I guess this is when people might feel stuck and unable to move forward - maybe leading to more grumbling and becoming labelled as too negative! When I ask someone how they are, I hope I am genuinely interested in how they are feeling and am able to show compassion and understanding, most of the time (of course I am not perfect and only human).

On reaching the end of my consideration of the phrase "mustn't grumble" I must acknowledge my tendency these days for pessimism and for grumbling.Whilst I used to identify big time with Pollyanna - these days and for some years now, I do too much grumbling and am a perfectionist, which only leads to more unhappiness. A colleague from years gone by once suggested we both use an elastic band on our wrists to stop us in our complaining mode. I am aware of the impact of negative comments on motivation and interesting research into the magic ratio of positive and negative comments. Not always easy to put into practice.

Chas and Dave have a point - it is lonely when you feel overwhelmed with life and want to be able to talk to others who understand. People have to look after their own well being and not everyone is a counsellor. Still it is a harsh society we live in sometimes, full of judgement and fear. People don't want to feel vulnerable nor to dwell on the negative. We want to be distracted and sometimes use numbing to avoid feeling.

Life is complex. Be kind. Listen. Try not to judge. Be compassionate to yourself and others. Grumble sometimes, it really is ok -  and if you become stuck - seek help from someone you trust or an expert. Remember that there are people out there who love you and you deserve to be happy. 

“You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should."

                                                  ― Max Ehrmann, Desiderata: A Poem for a Way of Life

Cycles, Mountains and Bridges

Sunset in the park - late September 2013

"Sixty-nine times have these eyes beheld the 

changing scenes of Autumn.

I have said enough about moonlight,

Ask me no more.

Only listen to the voices of pines and ceders,

when no wind stirs."

- Ryo-nen (her last composition)

 Hello. It's October already! I've been on the telephone this morning with someone who had dropped off my radar during this "year of busy".

While I was talking with her I was shocked to realise that it was way back in March that a close family member had died, and at the same time another close family member had injured herself in a fall. It seems like only a month or two ago, whereas in reality it is six! The months have flown by.

This weekend is the first time for months, that I have spent any significant time alone.

It was also March when my course finished, and so April and May brought some serious challenges on the financial front whilst I looked for, and found work. Then there was the funeral, and old family hurts that I allowed to resurface and that needed to be put into some perspective.

That old familiar feeling of not belonging to either of my families resurfaced as I watched my "sister" helping with the funeral. I sat at the edges afraid to presume and afraid to ask. Tension exists between my wanting to be part of it all, and my wanting to stay at a distance. That all spilled over recently on a family holiday. Sometimes it hurts too much to be so close!

Montallegro (Italy) - Late September 2011

 "Sometimes you wonder how you got on this mountain. But sometimes you wonder, 'How will I get off?" 

- Joan Manley

Then there was the pressure I was putting myself under to climb mountains! Lots of mountains in all sorts of different shapes and sizes. Pressure to meet my own, too high, expectations and to put all things right for all people. Pressure to fill up the empty space inside. Pressure that I am not where I "should be". Pressure of not having or being enough.

Old, old patterns repeating themselves. As always there have been choices to make, though some don't feel like choices. That's another old pattern of mine. If I'm busy climbing mountains, and helping everyone else, that keeps me at a distance.

"We build too many walls and not enough bridges."

- Issac Newton

The Bridge at Ludlow - February 2013

Here I am today, thinking about building bridges.....again.

I seem to be able to build bridges for others. I build the bridge and then step back. I turn around and walk away. I enjoy watching the joy as people cross and meet up. Then I build myself another little wall to hide behind.

None of these bridges have been my responsibility to maintain. I can't climb mountains if there are bridges to maintain, now can I? I help others think about maintainence, and give advice and encouragement from a distance.

It's time for me to do some work on my own bridges once again. I've burned too many bridges or left them to become ruins. I wonder if I know how to actually build and maintain bridges, or whether I just know this in theory. I'm out of practice.

If no-one else maintains the bridge, then that doesn't mean I don't need to do the work now does it?

My friend understood that this has been a really busy time, but she missed me and is glad I am back in touch. I'm glad too.

I'm glad for this quiet weekend. All this bridge building and mountain climbing, has been exhausting! I'm glad to have time to reflect and to recognise these cycles of mine.