More catching up under the August Moon. Day 2: Time to stop fighting and practice gentle.

 

Once in a blue moon, what would you wish for?

I am currently enjoying a time to reflect along with  Kat's August Moon 13,

Kat writes: "As we transition into the last quarter of the year, we are inviting you to join us in responding to a series of prompts designed to bring you closer to all you wanted 2013 to be. We reckon that now is the time to ask: the universe will hear you."

Day 2: How do you intend to transition into the gentler season of Autumn?

Right now I wish that the summer would last forever. I am not keen on the idea of transitioning into Autumn. However the word "gentler" is attracting me, and really I do love those bright and crisp Autumn days. There may even be an "Indian Summer" this September to enjoy.

When I wrote this last week, my intention was to transition by enjoying the last of the hot August sunshine; before refreshing my body and mind completely as after a long summer day out (one with storms and dramas of the human kind). Having a week off work has certainly helped with this. Below are some of my ramblings from last week when I first saw this prompt.

I'm imagining I am back in my cabin and relaxing before getting ready for the evening and the cool, dark night. I am feeling tired, exhausted from too much sun. I overstretched myself going up that hill and walking that extra mile or two.

And all without a hat too.

I fell over that stone and there was a grazed knee and some hot tears. Someone said "I told you so" and "why do you always overdo it?" I felt hot and cross; and determined to prove them wrong. I forced myself on further and then there were more tears, until I just had to stop. My body and my mind said so. I had to let go. I cannot control everything, I cannot fit everything into a day(or even a life), and anyway, this will not make the emptiness go away. Do I not know this by now? There is always sunstroke and tantrums when you want too much. And you always want too much.

Still, I'm lying on the bed momentarily, feeling happy if a little sore. All the drama is over and all is peaceful again. I love the summer.

Ok I'll take a long, refreshing shower and get dressed in something comfy. I'll make myself look human again. My skin feels warm and brown from the sunshine. This is a good feeling, may it last forever. It's a great in between place - neither here nor there.

I'm not ready for the transition yet. It's here too soon and I've been too busy to enjoy the heat, the lazy summer days, the people, the time......it has all passed too quickly whilst I've been taking care of the everyday. Busy surviving. Busy with the mundane, the treadmill, this life as I've chosen it.

To me it is summer that feels gentler. Usually a time for growth and blooming. Warmth and light. It's over too quickly this year. It all feels such a rush. Please stay for a while longer.

I am fearing the wind, cold, rain and darkness. Everyone with heads down and hoods up, still hurrying; I;m fearing time moving slowly on the grey days, and yet more rapidly as the days are shorter and it seems always dark. Everyone hurrying in their busyness, seeing only the urgent matter to which they are running towards. Everyone needing a hug and a smile. Everyone needing some gentle.

So the transition is coming. Autumn, with winter on her heels. Let her be gentler as every season can be. She can be gentler if that is what I choose. And that is what I choose.

I intend to transition into Autumn being gentler to myself first of all. Yes I still need reminding! I' m really not used to "gentle". I really want to practice "gentle".

Gentle stretches, gentle walks, candles casting shadows and speading fragrances, smiles and gentle looking, curiosity and gentle encouragement, gentle feeding of my soul, body and mind, gentle choices, gentle voices. Less of the shoulds and more of the coulds. Time to re-establish a gentle self-care routine. Time to gently play with a yellow duck found on the beach or to pick up feathers and driftwood.

My body, heart and mind have been hurt by my own actions.

Time to choose to be gentle in this new season.

Stained Glass - August Break 18.

I remembered this on Friday last week. At the end of a week that saw the "something awful" that was overshadowing our lives since April, to an end at last; I found the strength to go back to the Stained Glass workshop and pick up my panel. It's been months!

After some searching around in the workshop, Sue found my panel on the top of a shelf. Needless to say, it needed dusting off as it was covered. Strangely after all this time, my view of the finished article seems to have changed. I feel less critical of the outcome now, and quite proud of my work.

At the time I completed it , I never wanted to see another stained glass making project again! I recall getting quite impatient with the time it was taking me to complete. Blood was drawn once or twice, and getting the lead and glass to fit was a battle and a half! Now, I feel that maybe I could have another stab (ha ha) at making something else. This time I would keep the design a lot more traditional and geometric; and I would listen to the instructor more(even though he was the sort of teacher who likes to let students learn through experience).

So here it is at last! The finished piece of Stained Glass made my me! The photo is also going to be for day 18 of the August Break.

Stained Glass by me - 18th August 2012

Looking through - 18th August 2012

I found a video on Youtube that shows the process of Stained Glass making that I followed. This teacher really breaks it down into small manageable steps which is helpful and the design the student has chosen is really simple for a beginner.

Our teacher was adorable. A really creative, messy, absent minded, arty type, who could never find any of his tools in his very untidy workshop. He was a little bit vague about how we should proceed and not suited to all learning styles. However for me he was a good person to learn with, as he wasn't at all directive, didn't interfere unless you wanted him too, and let me charge on with my design and learn by doing! Though I wanted to give up, I did persevere and in the end am very pleased with both what I learned about myself through the process and the finished piece.

If any of you are thinking of giving this experience a go, I would definitely recommend it.

Brand New Day - Worthiness Wednesday #62

Messages from the Universe.

Here I go again. Isn't it wonderful?

Ok. The song says I know I'm going to be ok. That is hard to believe just now. Yet I do know it.

Monday I went here and although I am not participating in the "Inner Excavate Along" right now, I was drawn to the prompt to pick a book off my bookshelf, to pick out some words, and to write a "poem" with the title "I begin".

Then later on Monday, I went back here, and read a new comment from Cynthia which says,

"What if we asked ourselves, what do I want to do for the next six months? or even six weeks? or even just this week? And then what if we keep asking ourselves that question.

What makes us feel whole?
What makes us feel connected?
What makes us feel joyful?

Maybe if we engage in those activities for the next six days ... and then another six and another six ... we will come to the end of our life feeling like we lived the life of our dreams."

 Yesterday was awash with tears. I didn't manage to begin! Just answering those questions Cynthia asks felt too difficult. I walked it out and looked at the hills in the distance. I wanted to pick up a paintbrush and mix those blues and greys, even if I didn't paint anything! Yesterday wasn't wasted. There were things that needed doing, someone needed me or rather I needed to feel I was helping. It led to a place of hopelessness(for me). A place of regrets and guilt and pain. Getting out of the door was a huge effort - it helped. Maybe I did begin after all.

Then today, Kat's Worthiness Wednesday Post , number 62 jumped up and grabbed me.

All about starting anew!

My inner critic shouted loudly in my ear...."Oh yeah another new beginning? You are always starting anew. You never finish anything. You lack commitment."

I drowned her out with the music on Happy Mama's playlist - which is where I rediscovered Joshua Radin.

Kat suggests:

This week, I invite you to carve out a fresh little space for yourself. In could be online, it could be on your bookshelf or on your nightstand, it could be a new journal, it could be taking half an hour to sit in a cafe that you've never been to, it could be booking in for a haircut and whole new look! Whatever it is, give yourself the gift of a clean start, somewhere you can boldly go, more you than ever.

 Strangely for a few weeks now, I have been feeling the urge to start a new blog. This place sometimes feels rather weighty with emotions, past hurts, current struggles and, well.... just too much loss altogether. Though I have tried to balance the "journal-like" posts, with posts about travel, joy, news, books, or awareness raising about issues I care about; sometimes I still feel as if this blog is almost like I've tied a heavy weight to my foot and it's dragging me down. Part of me just wants to erase myself from all of my places on the internet, and start again.

However, just for now that is all a bit drastic. I know I will regret losing this space that has been a big part of my journey over the past two years (as I did when I deleted my previous blog!). Maybe a new blog might be a good idea, without deleting this one.

So for now, what I am going to do, is to continue on my journey here at Stayingawake, and to carve out some space in my lovely new journal, and in my life, for making a commitment to "begin". A commitment again, to spending my time on the things that nourish me, to "fill my 'God-Shaped hole' with things that signal 'God'(thank you Kat), to "engage in those activities that make me feel whole, joyful, connected for the next six days and then the next...." (thank you Rain and Cynthia). One of the things that does make me feel all of those things, is blogging. Despite the anxiety I feel about putting my words down, I still keep coming back!

So for six days I will be blogging everyday, I will be walking everyday, I will be reading everyday. I will be creating everyday. I will be listening to music everyday. I will let my heart and soul be touched everyday. I may cry everyday. Six days is manageable.

Six days.

Begin.

Prioritise.

Reduce expectations of myself and others.

Choose to nourish myself.

Boundaries.

Small but joyful.

Staying with the feelings.

Compassion.

Forgiveness.

Listen.

Alive.

"The point is to wake up and find myself alive."  Rain

Creative me

Day 13 Prompt: 

What was your greatest creative accomplishment in 2011?

ICAD Summer Challenge. June - August 2011

Being creative everyday during most of June, and all of July and August by taking part in the ICAD summer challenge, was my greatest creative accomplishment this year. I stuck at it even when I became busy with a new job....no masterpieces...but being creative everyday really helped bring me back to discovering what I enjoy. 

It may be that after tomorrow evening I will have finished my first attempt at a Stained Glass panel .....and I'm pretty proud of accomplishing that too.....attending a class with strangers was hard, as was not throwing the blasted thing across the room when the glass wouldn't do what I wanted it to do. Funnily enough, though some weeks I dreaded going back to continue working on the piece, once I started work, I became fully engrossed and didn't want to leave it at the end of the session. Glass may not be my medium of choice again however.....or maybe it will.

In my in-box and elsewhere - Words of Wisdom.

This morning in my in-box I found these words from the Center for Spiritual Living: 

YOU are a magnet for love and joy, peace and prosperity, simply because of the Being you are.  The Universe is incarnating through you, as you, so it can create and express love and life, joy and prosperity. YOU are its perfect expression.  Revel in this truth! Contemplate it every day and let it become your inner reality.  Then, it will automatically become your outer reality!

Flower Festival - Cathedral Sainte-Reparate, Nice - October 2011

Expressing joy through creativity this evening, at Stained Glass making class. Day two of Creative Every Day  and sitting outside the class at 6.30pm I really was dreading going in. Five minutes inside and I was fully engrosssed in cutting my very tricky shapes, and soon the sound of the glass cutter on the glass was sounding more certain. I had to tear myself away at the end! Great joy!

Thursday morning addition:

Found this wisdom from Kind Over Matter, this morning, and it just seems to fit here on this page.....much to ponder and re-commit to. Off out of the door to work now, with Jo's words in my head......

Release againstness. Know that what you push against, will just push right back. Let go of feeling bad for someone else. Create victimhood for no one. See the power in every being. See it for them when they are struggling to see it for themselves. Assist them in knowing the magnitude of their creative authenticity.

Tagging Fun - All about self-care.

Last week I was tagged by Lana on her blog Tabouleh . A fun subject for a blog post, namely "What is in your make up bag?" and also to share 7 - 10 things about yourself.

What is a fun game, turns into a major task for me. As some of you might have gleaned by now, fun is something I have to work at. So I apologise in advance for draining any fun out of this subject. ;)

It was a good opportunity to look at what is actually in my make-up basket (like Lana I don't have a make up bag and don't wear very much of the stuff). Never have. I have never really found any foundation that suits my skin type and really struggle with the whole putting on make-up thing. I do like mascara and blusher though and tend to put mascara on everyday.

In the bathroom - August 2011

This examination was very useful, firstly it showed me just how old the make-up I use is.....don't like spending money on it really so it tends to last me a long time. I occasionally splurge on some new treats but then gasp in horror at the price of the stuff! Just call me Mrs Scrooge. However after saying all that, I have decided to treat myself to some new items over the next few weeks. I am sure the state of my basket, with broken containers and elderly tubes, is enough justification for a spending spree(notice how the photo above is very craftily angled to prevent a full view inside - red-faced shame going on here!). Plus I read something about needing to replace mascara regularly for hygiene reasons.

Secondly, I began to look more closely at the products...what was in them, were they tested on animals etc. As someone who is always declaring my good intentions loudly, and then sometimes doesn't live up to them, I need to keep on my toes in this regard. So my shopping spree will involve some re-research to make sure I am continuing supporting ethical trading and production of costmetic and skin care products. I pulled out some of the sites that will help with this and have listed below in case they are new to anyone and if anyone has any links that can help then please post in the comments section.

Ethical consumerism report 2011

Ethical Consumer(UK)

Ethical Consumer Guide(AUS)

Wikepedia - Ethical Consumerism

Ethical Superstore

So not much else to say about my make-up habits really. On to the next part of the tagging game.

1. I have many good intentions. Which is I suppose better than having none. I suppose if I managed to live up to all of them I would be a very tiresome person to be around?? However I do let myself off the hook rather too easily!

2. Reading all about natural remedies and using plants and herbs for beauty treatments has been so inspiring during this tagging exploration. That has been one of my intentions for a long time, to get back in touch with mother nature and become like a "wood dwelling wise woman", brewing spells and remedies in my cottage. I was so interested in a TV programme last year called Grow Your Own Drugs, which was all about this. Mr StayingAwake and myself are currently drying herbs at the allotment and I have just gathered some lavender to use to make an eye-pillow that I can use in relaxation.

3.You already know that I sometimes struggle to find my funny bone. I am so unfunny sometimes it is funny - ie., I do not mean to be funny but still make people laugh. I do like funny stuff though and can easily be made to laugh. I am working on the having fun part of me which has gone a bit astray in past years. Here is one of my favourite funny people.....

 

4. I feel undressed without my junk jewelry on each day. On Thursday I forgot to put in my earings which almost never happens. I am unlucky with earings and jewelry however as they often break or I lose them. I like to choose items that have some meaning attached.

 

5.  I like to collect stones. Also shells too and bits of wood, but mainly I like to collect stones.

I read this blog post  last week and was awed at the photography and the care taken over this person's rock collection.

Just beautiful - go over there and have a look do.

I humbly offer my hastily taken photographs of a couple of my favourite rocks.

I might try to tell some stories about them in another post now I have been inspired by Brooke.

6.  Ooh it's becoming more difficult now. Ah I know.....Yoga.

After years of intending to practice yoga, I am now making this a regular part of my week. Hopefully it will become a regular part of my day too.


I am already feeling a difference in my body. Listening to my body is a new concept to me.

7. Food. Another of my intentions for a long time has been to give up eating meat. I often lamented about how difficult it was for me to do this and blamed living with two meat eating and meat loving males. It is not difficult to do this, even while still living with one of those males still. If I want to do it badly enough I will. Otherwise we/I have a healthy diet with lots of fresh vegetables and wholegrains, while we both enjoy many similar foods there are some massive differences which makes shopping and cooking difficult. I tend just to give in for an easy life and let him take over. That has to change I think - the time has come. For example, lentils are one of my favourites...he dislikes them, similarly soups, pasta, baked potatoes, any vegetarian speciality foods, new potatoes. Arrgh. This has turned into a bit of a moan. ;) However, he is changing in someways....I would only buy free-range eggs and chicken however expensive and he is now also doing the same with the eggs. He has also started to think more about using local shops and farms, rather than supermarket for everything. This takes some planning as we both work and time is short. Good intentions again! ;)

So that's it. Phew.

Now I have to tag some other lovely people. Keeping the list short as many people are away for the summer or busy, busy away from blogland.

Tagged......

Monica at The Creative Beast

Birdie at 40 and Loving it

Ilona at Life After Money

Worthiness Wednesday #14: Compassionate Curiosity - Worthy of Spaciousness.

I need this worthiness Wednesday today. I need to let the "little I" who self-sabotages, off the hook and not be afraid of her anymore. She can tell me useful things if I listen hard enough, I can get to know her in a new way. I can learn what truths she is telling me, and I can also see what old familiar illusions she is weaving, mischief maker that she is! ;)

How deep and serious she makes everything. How complicated.

How responsible she feels for everything.

How can I ever measure up to her standards?

How much more time will she give to telling me that "Good intentions are not enough" or that "it doesn't matter that you had good intentions you still screwed it up and are not enough!"

Do I have to tread this path again? How many times? I forgave myself yesterday so why do I have to do it again today?

Will I never be worthy of this, or of this, or this? Do I want this? Or it it just another illusion? Am i just setting myself up again, so that "little I" can say "I told you so"? Or so she can sabotage me with all this blame, and tell me that this is who I am.

Staying mindful? Opening? Love? Who knew it would be such hard work?

Why not just throw it all over for sleepwalking again?

Keeping tight hold again? Isn't that easier? No, not a good place to be. "Little I" knows that I can't go back there.

Holding on gently, that's the way. But how do I get there, when the mischief maker loves destruction so much, and is screaming at me so loudly to hold on tight?

I read these words today about fear....  

"if the voice of uncertainty or fear is louder than the voice of our principled action, look at the goal and ask yourself "is this what I really want?"

 I am trying hard to listen but I can't tell yet if the fear is louder. At the moment they are about the same in volume. Fear might be winning. What then? What then? What if she is telling me the truth this time?

I read a poem about death today. About time running out before you've got to know someone. So much in life to do. "Little I" likes to create panic. She tells you that you haven't done enough and will never be able to. She stops you from living in the moment. She asks too many questions all at once..... How do I do this now? How do I take the next step and the next? I need to know where, why, when, who.....need to have a plan to get me safely to the end. I need some certainty. All the while she laughs her mischievious laugh as she watches me, paralysed, unable to put one step in front of the other. She knows there is only one question and that you know the answer, so she creates some noise to drown it out.

I listened to some beautiful lyrics and music today and I cried. So beautiful. It reminded me of the story of Sleeping Beauty where the good fairies come to the christening, and give the baby their wishes.

The music makes me think of my Mum, and her wishes for me as a baby. "Poor old you", whispers "little I" cruelly.

The music makes me think of myself and my wishes for my own child all those years ago. "Good intentions," she whispers again, "So many good intentions."

Hormones, I tell myself. That's all it is. But there is also "little I" - she spots a weakness and she is in for the kill.

Luckily "Little I" is losing her power, now I'm taking a good long look at her, letting her off the hook.

My mind is all fuzzy today, and I'm afraid that I cannot remember all that I've learned in the past year and a half. I stopped keeping tight hold of everything, and now what?

"Look what happened when you let me off the hook last time", she says importantly, sure of her power again.

I tell her that I have a choice. Yes, it might feel like exam morning or interview day, when you think you've lost it all, but you do still have a choice if you take a breath and smile. You can choose to go in with a new, fresh sort of giddyness and joy, all warm and open to the new, fresh world of today. Or you can choose to shut down, and listen to "little I", and go in with panic and fear, eyes open but unable to see the possibilities.

So I'm letting "little I" off the hook today, and tomorrow, and whenever I spot her at work. Sitting with the feelings and watching her at work is the place to start. Take a breath. Trust. Create some space.

Loving this poem today

Look No Prompts! Ramblings. ICAD #2

Well not strictly true. There are two cards included here that are responses to one of Daisy Yellow's  prompts. I was initially sticking strictly to the (optional) prompt list, and then just decided to have a week without! More and more fun! Brave girl.

These cards are really helping me get through a sticky patch right now.  ;)

The words I need are not here. Blogging seems a bit of a threat.

Show up. 

Speak your truth.

I am still waiting to start my new job, although that is getting closer now.

I am suffering from familiar feelings of self-doubt and gloom. Trying to look at this with curiousity rather than panic. I think hormones and a lack of sleep are contributing.

This too will pass.

I've decided that my big-mystery-future-happening-project that was having me jumping up and down in excitement, might not be the way forward after all. I'm not really sure what's going on there. Is it fear or just reality setting in. Am I truly able to do this? Is it motivated by my ego or my higher self? What the **** is really going on here?

Let go the outcome.

While waiting for a happening-related appointment on Thursday, I got out my pencils and created one of these cards. It passed the time. Tension was released. Thank heavens for index card art.

Pay attention. 

Today is my card free day. It's starting to be difficult not to make a card but today I am card free! Here are some more of the cards I made - still struggling with resisting the urge to make them look perfect! ;)

ICAD 7 - Mickey Mouse. 21.6.11

Not the only mouse in our house.

ICAD 8 - Summer.  22.6.11

ICAD 9  - Waiting for 5 o'clock. 23.6.11

ICAD 10 - Beetroot Juice. 24.6.11

Making a brand new ending

Itching to begin

To make a brand new ending.

Yet my heart is in my mouth

And I'm ok here just treading water. 

Just for now.

Almost afraid to strike out.

I tell myself

There is plenty of time.

Have I learned nothing?

Beginning now. 

Video by Box of Crayons Movies and stumbled upon via a link posted on My Smiling Heart.

I Think My Heart Might Burst

This week has been mildly challenging.

Yesterday I had a minor wobble.

I'm forcing myself out there into the world again.

Firstly I challenged myself to meet up again with people from the past; then on Monday I am due to start my new job; tomorrow I'm off to visit some lovely people I met in China for the weekend; and today we had a major event which kick starts "the happening".

Following yesterday's wobble, you'll be glad to know, I started today with butterflies fluttering about in my tummy and words spilling over my lips with the excitement of the "major event".

It all went just swimmingly and we are on our way to the future with full hearts! Still a long journey to take as yet but our hopes are well and truly flying high!

Yesterday went so well, as did Tuesday, there are some lovely people out there who are just itching to help me on my way! No need for fear and anxiety at all!

My new books came yesterday....

...and I got a new hairdo this morning. All good stuff.

Amazing how things can change in just one 24 hour period. My heart just might burst with the joy of it all! 

Nature: #Mindful52 Week 17

The Eden Project - April 2011

"Nature will bear the closest inspection. She invites us to lay our eye level with her smallest leaf, and take an insect view of its plain."

~Henry David Thoreau

Clematis Leaf in Evening Sunlight April 2011

Week 17 of Mindful52 and Heather's prompt asks us to contemplate nature:

This week as you contemplate nature, think of all it has to teach us. Think of how it provides for us. But move beyond that to realize you are a beautiful creation of nature as well. Move beyond the thought of nature only being ouside of us. What is the nature of your Self? How can you be more in tune with your inherent nature? How can you allow your beautiful self to just be? How can you be in a state of allowing? How can you inherently shine?

Are there places in life where you are forcing? In what areas should you stand firm, tall, strong and grounded like the trees? Or be a flower and blossom? What about shining like the vibrant leaves of Autumn as you age year after year? Is it possible to look into a dreary situation, to weather the storm and still stand tall? You are beautiful, AWEsome and magical just as you are!

You are nature, whole and perfect exactly as you were created!

This takes some work to believe sometimes.
Luckily there are some very wise beings out there writing books and helping us find our way to self-acceptance, joy and peace. 

Enjoying the Moment - In the garden April 2011

"They(flowers) provided inspiration to countless artists, poets and mystics. Jesus tells us to contemplate the flowers and learn from them how to live. The Buddha is said to have given a "silent sermon" once during which he held up a flower and gazed at it......Seeing beautiy in a flower could awaken humans, however briefly, to the beauty that is an essential part of their own innermost being, their true nature....Once there is a certain degree of Presence, of still and alert attention in human beings' perceptions, they can sense the divine life essence, the one indwelling consciousness or spirit in every creature, every life-form, recognize it as one with their own essence and so love it as themselves. Until this happens, however, most humans see only the outer forms, unaware of their inner essence, just as they are unaware of their own essence and identify only with their pwn physical and psychological form. "

- Eckhart Tolle

The Eden Project - April 2011

"Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,
call to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting –
over and over announcing your place
in the family of things."

- Mary Oliver

Leaf with Tiny Buds and Shadow April Evening 2011

"The fact of storytelling hints at a fundamental human unease, hints at human imperfection. Where there is perfection there is no story to tell."

- Ben Okri 

April Evening Sunshine on the leaves 

"Look at the trees, look at the birds, look at the clouds, look at the stars... and if you have eyes you will be able to see that the whole existence is joyful. Everything is simply happy. Trees are happy for no reason; they are not going to become prime ministers or presidents and they are not going to become rich and they will never have any bank balance. Look at the flowers - for no reason. It is simply unbelievable how happy flowers are."

~Osho

Grizedale Forest August 2010

"How do we cultivate the conditions for joy to expand? We train in staying present. In sitting meditation, we train in mindfulness and maitri: in being steadfast with our bodies, our emotions, our thoughts. We stay with our own little plot of earth and trust that it can be cultivated, that cultivation will bring it to it's full potential. Even though it's full of rocks and the soil is dry, we begin to plow this plot with patience. We let the process evolve naturally......At the beginning joy is just a feeling that our own situation is workable. We stop looking for a more suitable place to be. We've discovered that the continual search for something better does not work out. This doesn't mean that there are suddenly flowers growing where before there were only rocks. it means we have the confidence that something will grow here."

- Pema Chodron

Developing a sense of wonder and curiosity about "worthiness".

I looked in the mirror, half way through this day that marks the end of seven years working in a particular field, seven years being a particular version of me.

Some of this was me, the real me whoever she is. Some of this version was just an empty shell, a robot going through the motions, someone who was afraid for most of her days, a desperate seeker looking in all the wrong places, in all the wrong ways. I made those fear choices. It was all my own doing.

People say that there are no wrong choices, just different paths we can follow. But for me it wasn't just an alternative path, it was the wrong one! It went wrong long before I started that new job seven years ago, I didn't know it at the time. I just thought I wasn't good enough. I was simply trying to fit and not measuring up. Narrow definitions and impossible standards! I wrote a very tricky rule book just for me. Nice!

But today marks the end of that new start I made all that time ago. I've learned so much of value. I've lost so much of value. I'm starting to find it all again. So there is hope. It may be late but there is still hope.

Anyway, I am in my dressing grown, my hair wild and badly dyed, I am hairy and unwashed. Prompted to look in the mirror by this and through that, by this, (thank you, thank you - do listen).

Still I was afraid to look.

This person in her dressing gown isn't me. The past few weeks have changed me beyond recognition, I think. I have decided to strip away the illusions of the past seven years and beyond. I am afraid that if I look in that mirror right now, I won't see anyone I recognise, and that I will not be able to look at her with love. What would happen then? It feels very scary. I have let myself sink into a place I haven't visited for a long time and it doesn't feel at all worthy here. Please excuse this blog post, really only fit for my journal. However I do need to wade through all this again, deeper this time, noisily this time, here, risking all. Maybe I'll uncover something of value. Maybe I can free something that has been trapped, find something of me that has been lost.

Back to the mirror. I've nothing to lose.

I was listening..." What if you walk down the hall and look in the mirror....?"

So I did it and I was surprised at what or who I saw. There she was, her eyes smiling suddenly, with love; her hair shining in places, her mouth...yes I recognised her. It was not some monster after all, she was still there whoever she is.

Thank you for this prompt today Kat  : What does worthy look like?

Today worthy means getting dressed, doing my hair,
Smiling with love at myself in the mirror, again.

It means enjoying the silence.

Enjoying the sunshine on the bathroom door,
Noticing the wind rattling the blinds just now as I write.

Worthiness means taking care of the little things,
Cleaning the cooker,
Putting on another load of washing,
Doing it with love.

My pen moving across the paper.

Worthy means seeing kindness
In the tired eyes
Looking at the space we call home.
It means wanting to care for it.

Worthiness is taking care,
Wanting to take care,
Doing these things with love.

Worthiness is taking the time
Just to be friends with me,
Getting to know what I love
And doing those things.

Worthiness means spending time
Generously on myself,
Without worrying that there isn't enough
Or that I am not enough.
Or that time is wasted,
Or that decisions might be mistakes,
So maybe I won't make one today.

I deserve to be fully in this moment.
Savouring and discovering what it is that I love,
For almost the first time.
Truly.

Enjoying my thoughts,
The tastes, smells, sights and textures
Right now.
Each of these is a precious gift
And I am worthy of recieving and savouring these.

Worthiness means soup and a roll,
instead of a fried egg and toast again.
Home grown vegetables. Pasta.
Lentil dahl.
Strawberries.
Living well, and so much more.

Worthiness means a richness.
The luxury of savouring
These things I enjoy.
Simply because they bring me
Joy
And fill my senses.
Not because I "should".

Worthiness means singing
At the top of my voice,
Whirling around
In the kitchen
Or while I hoover or iron clothes.

I am singing.

Then
I am speaking.

Worthiness means letting out my voice.
I am here.
Look at me, hear me.
Isn't life wonderful?
Isn't it a beautiful day?

Worthiness means quiet love,
Compassion
And an understanding
Of the time it takes to heal,
Or to feel sad,
Or angry, or hurt.

It means that where I am 
Now,
Is ok.
It means a helping hand.
It means I love you.

Be watchful when the moon is full

Full Moon - looked for and found by me on 19th March 2011

Search the Darkness

Rumi 

Translated by  Kabir Helminski

Sit with your friends; don't go back to sleep.
Don't sink like a fish to the bottom of the sea.

Surge like an ocean,
don't scatter yourself like a storm.

Life's waters flow from darkness.
Search the darkness, don't run from it.

Night travelers are full of light,
and you are, too; don't leave this companionship.

Be a wakeful candle in a golden dish,
don't slip into the dirt like quicksilver.

The moon appears for night travelers,
be watchful when the moon is full.

 ---------------

I've been feeling very sorry for myself indeed just lately. When I went out to look at the full moon last weekend I wanted a flash of inspiration - something that would enable me to move forward. It was almost the eve of spring and I wanted to feel that sense of hope and wonder. Nothing! 

I am being my own worst enemy of late, preventing myself from living fully, just when I had been wakening again to life's wonder. There is still much going on in our lives, there having been a few years of major and minor happenings that I have been just swallowing down, and the effects started to show up in my health big time, just after I came home from China. Perhaps it started when I was there.

Due to my habitual method of dealing with emotional distress and exhaustion, I just carried on as normal, thinking that I could push through it as I always do. The difference was that this time, thanks to a really helpful counsellor, I was at a point where I just wasn't prepared to sacrifice parts of myself any longer. I could carry on in the same way but I was heading for a big fall healthwise and needed to stop.

The stopping has been harder than the carrying on. Hence my emotional and creative shut down. It's like a punishment for not measuring up. I don't stop, that's not what I do. I'm like a fish out of water. The danger is that whilst I am being so hard on myself, there is no room for growth and change to take place. The same patterns will be repeated.

It was only today when I found this conversation between Pema Chodron and Alice Walker that some light began to shine on where and why I am stuck. 

Pema Chödrön: There is a kind of unstuckness that starts to happen. You develop lovingkindness and compassion for this self that is stuck, which is called maitri. And since you have a sense of all the other sentient beings stuck just like you, it also awakens compassion.

Alice Walker: I remember the day I really got it that we’re not connected as human beings because of our perfection, but because of our flaws. That was such a relief.

Pema Chödrön: Rumi wrote a poem called "Night Travelers," It's about how all the darkness of human beings is a shared thing from the beginning of time, and how understanding that opens up your heart and opens up your world. You begin to think bigger. Rather than depressing you, it makes you feel part of the whole.

So I wrote a post and a bit of a poem here today, and with both am being as honest and as compassionate with myself as I can be. Although today I know that I can become unstuck again, I also know that there is a long way to go. As ever, I continue to revisit these lessons.

The moon sits above my house tonight.

  Her silent, solemn gaze,

Reflects the light back to us here on earth. 

I am here below, silent also.

Seeking answers from her.

Is there still hope? 

Are there still dreams worth dreaming?

No sudden answers come.

Just a secret, silent something,

Lodges in the crack in my stagnant heart.

Where a stinking pool of shame, before had gathered,

To shut it down.

 Something so tiny it could go unnoticed,

But if found could be immense.

#mindful52 Week 6: Practice

This post about "Practice" has been sitting here waiting for me to hit the "publish" button for about two weeks now. 

There is so much else to write about but this rambling, and possibly incoherent post will have to do instead.

This quote arrived in my inbox this morning: 

“Imperfect action is better than perfect inaction.”

~ Harry Truman

It fits with my ponderings about Practice so maybe I'll hit that button today.

Was I practicing or experimenting last weekend, when taking these photographs with my new camera?

In week 6 of  #mindful52  , Heather prompted us to think about Practice:

Have you ever given practice that much thought? Our Year of Mindfulness is just that. The mundane-ness of practice, day in and day out, reminding ourselves over and over to stay with and sit in WHAT IS.

If we look at practice as something we have to do, we miss the point. While practice helps us get better at whatever we are practicing, it also makes up the majority of our days. In many instances, we practice to get ready for an event of some sort – a minute, hour, day in our life for which we are preparing.

We practice the instrument to make lovely melodies in the concert.

We practice running to finish – or win – the race.

We practice softball to beat the other team.

Which is more important . . . the practice, or the event?

Look back on your past to recall the concerts, races and games in which you participated. How many can you recall? Now think about practicing for those events. Any moments, lessons, thoughts come to mind?

Why is it that I feel more comfortable with experimentation than I do with practice? After giving the question some thought and doing a little bit of reading, I came to the conclusion that although there is something of both in each, as children "Practice" can often have negative connotations. "Practice makes perfect" implies that we are aiming for perfection. It implies that we are not yet good enough. On the other hand it also tells us that we can achieve something more if we put the effort in. What a child needs is that encouragement to keep at it, whilst still celebrating where they are right now. What a balancing act it all is.

Of course I have practiced for many things, over the years. Teaching Practice. Training to get my body ready so I could conquer the challenge of the wall. Piano Practice, which I gave up after the initial excitement of learning something new. Rehearsing for a play. Learning to drive. At fifteen, I spent much of my time reading a tennis coaching book, and hitting a ball against a brick wall in our side yard. I practiced changing my hand grip for forehand and backhand strokes.

It appears that for me at first, practice, like experimentation, can be filled with excitement and appeal. It feels spontaneous, fun. Or there maybe is an end goal in mind - this might simply be a half formed dream or a far away hope. It may be driven by external or internal forces.

A second question occurs to me, about myself and my relationship to practice; do I have the staying power to keep at it day after day? What keeps us/me going? With the walking training that's easy, I had a goal. I knew that I would find the trek itself a challenge physically and I wanted to be as fit as possible so I would be able to enjoy the experience. Each time I set off on another walk to prepare myself, I enjoyed the practice as much as the trek itself. Somedays it was hard to keep going and getting myself out there wasn't always easy, I was tired after work, or it was raining and a four or five hour walk in the rain just didn't appeal! I continued though. It was a commitment I had made to myself and to others.

Practice, often has such a serious side for me, one that I've often resisted. There are too many rules. It's all too disciplined. It is associated with "shoulds". Experimentation feels more creative, free and exciting. More like Play. On reflection however, practice does have elements of experimentation and discovery, it is also about the repetition and mastery of the basic and essential skills. When it all becomes too serious or needs me to make more of a commitment to myself then that's when I can often run scared. There is a saying isn't there about Play being the work of childhood.

I've never looked on my everyday life as Practice before. However I have often said that I unconsciously or consciously put myself in what are for me, challenging situations in everyday life, in order for me to learn or to get better at something. What I've identified earlier in the life of this blog, is that I in doing this I have not been compassionate with myself in this and I have hurt myself in the process. It appears I either push myself too hard or not hard enough. I need to bring more of a playful approach to everything in my life. It's all been so serious! My boundaries have been very blurred. Lately everyday I'm practicing defining them and I'm practicing being compassionate to myself. 

The truth is that we are all different. One child will loathe handwriting practice and see it as a chore, another will love it and work at it even when they don't "have to". Some children go willingly to sports practice while others (like me as a teenager sadly) will do anything to avoid this. Having a compassionate teacher/role model who helps with motivation levels and boundaries is often crucial to how a child feels about practicing something that is hard for them. Children learn best when they are enjoying themselves and when the emotional connection with the learning, however hard the learning might be, is safe for them. It's all about freeing ourselves up, banishing that "fear of failure" and recognising that the ups and the downs are common to us all.

Along with our particular feelings about whatever it is we are practicing, is the view that some things we need to practice, others perhaps are "natural talents" or "natural abilities". We all have our strengths and preferences. Can we really squeeze a round peg into a square hole by practice? So many children are discouraged by adults who hold this view. As adults we can continue to discourage ourselves by comparing ourselves for other more "talented" bloggers, writers or work colleagues. Julia talks about this view in relation to writing practice on her wonderful blog  Painted Path. I also found this quote about writers:

"Once you master riding, what you have learned will stay with you for the rest of your life. You may abandon the bicycle for an automobile, then ten years later take it up for exercise and find that in moments, you are rolling ahead, fully coordinated, your brain responding to what you learned in your practice sessions long ago. It is the same with writing. Except that writers provide themselves with a monumental obstacle to achieving skill. Ballet dancers practice technique. Pianists wear down their black and white keys with hours of daily practice. Actors rehearse, practice obtaining the best perspectives, experiment with color and texture, do sketches in preparations for oil. By practice one learns to use what one has understood. Only writers, it sees, expect to achieve some level of mastery without practice. "Sol Stein.

It seems to me that all this "Practice" is a little like life itself. Every day of life is about pushing our boundaries, learning, developing, growing, expanding and blossoming. Sometimes we do this with joy and sometimes it feels less joyous. It is a choice. Letting go of the comparisons with others, the seriousness of it all. Making a joyous commitment to ourselves to explore and experiment with all of the fabulous possibilities.

Practice doesn't make perfect. Practice makes alive, it makes us human in all our joyful imperfections, failures and successes, shadow and light. 

Discipline #mindful52

Mindful52 Week 3: Take a look at the goals and intentions you had in mind as you began this mindfulness practice. What intentions are happening for you? Which ones are getting left by the wayside? How are you wasting time? What distractions creep in that detract you from doing the things you really want to do . . . or need to do? What thoughts limit you from reaching your true potential?

I've been MIA for a week or two. The relentless gloom, cold and dark of January, this particular January, took hold of me by the throat and tried to squeeze the life out of me. Nothing is wrong and yet everything is wrong. I'm a drama queen today, but that's got to be a better place than the one I have found myself in over most of the past two weeks, when all I have wanted to do is to crawl away and hide somewhere dark.

When I read the #mindful52 prompt for week 3 last Friday, I realised what was happening. I couldn't even remember my chosen tools. I wasn't making time for them. My own rhythm that I so wanted to be able to listen to, had been drowned out by PANIC, GRIEF and SORROW. Those three were gaining more of my attention. I was allowing myself to be pulled down into the dark waters again and had for a few days just stopped swimming, I was hardly treading water and that can't happen. I had a sneaking fear that I had stopped caring.Or maybe I had never cared about anything in my life and it was all just an illusion.

I knew I would return to this prompt about discipline. If what we need is to retreat for a while, then there is nothing wrong with that. A retreat is different than a giving up however. A retreat still needs to have the rhythm of a daily practice. The world feels very chaotic right now and not just for me. The rhythm of everything we know appears to be changing. Somedays my heart just doesn't feel "in" it anymore!

I know my "heart" is still there somewhere, though it doesn't feel that strong and so I have to mechanically go through those small steps of a daily practice that I identified back on the 4th January. I started to do that yesterday, when I blogged and wrote in my journal, posted some photographs and reached out to connect with others.

Today I am identifying the things I am grateful for and the moments that have brought peace and joy in the past week or two - there have been quite a few really. It's time to press on with creating more of those moments here in my everyday life. I am walking today and meditating. I am reminding myself of the abundance around me and that my actions can make a difference, however small, to the world around me. I can bring my own rhythm to the hurt that is going on right now.

I am reminding myself not to be so hard on myself too, I am working hard to break those chains and this is where I am just now.

Look more Pebbles! Simple and Beautiful.

Yesterday I blogged about how I was going to stop gathering so much, but I just had to share this meditation I found.

It is the last of the gatherings for my daily practice and a tool to help me become more mindful. It fits so well with the three difficulties practice and my vow to meditate daily. I need a simple structure and will easily have time for this each morning. It's such a beautiful and simple reminder of how to stay present with the difficult moments in everyday life. It also examines the depths of what is within.

Pebble For Your Pocket
by Thich Nhat Hanh

Available on the DVD -"Mindful Living Every Day."

Another simple tool, I want to make a part of my daily practice, is one I have used in the past.

About three years ago, I attended a Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction course based on the one originally developed by Jon Kabat-Zinn. I used the sitting meditation and the body scan, as well as the yoga.


So I am now returning to this, just starting with the sitting meditation and perhaps alternating with The Body Scan, each day during January and February. Each evening when I get home from work I will just take twenty minutes.

It's time to be still a while and listen. To find the peace and the space within me.

Mindful52: Simplify

Posting everyday in January, has not been a great success for me so far. I've been fearful to post my small stones, as my ego did not think they were polished enough! Thankfully I got this reminder today, just after I wrote the above words in my draft post.

Nobody polishes the sun. The sun just shines

~~~Chogyam Trungpa

Yet again I fall into the trap of comparing myself with others, it is so easy to do so, the chain being years long in the crafting. I end up listening to the critical voice in my head which tells me: "you are not a natural writer and just look at all these other talented people all over the internet. Your small stones are cringeworthy, you should cast them aside!"

Awareness of that critical voice is good, even if it only comes after busy days of mindlessly listening to it. Remembering to let go of the outcome and to enjoy the journey is something I am ready to take further this year. I need to play a little. That familiar critical voice which doubts that I am enough, needs to be hushed.

It may be helpful to me to post everyday, using the small stones, if it is making me feel good. The temptation is, that I will use this beautiful space to offload all the negativity, that tends to spiral up when I am working hard and have little time to reflect. And that is not what this blog is about. It is about Staying Awake, being curious, playing and celebrating life in all it's ordinary and extraordinary glory.

Yesterday when I saw the #mindful52 prompt for this week, I was not in a place to respond. A good night's sleep and some focusing down this morning has helped and I am ready to start to tackle this now:

Mindful52: Simplify - How can you simplify your life? How do you make it more difficult than it needs to be? How are you wasting time? What are you holding onto that is not serving you? Work with this concept during the next week to see what comes up for you. Meditate on simplicity.

This year I have a need to create more peace within myself, to STAY, to go deeper and to stop gathering more and more. Just to work with what I have already found on my journey so far. Just for a time. Until I manage to see clearly what my priorities are. This is how I intend to simplify my life. To stop whirling around, just for a moment or two in time. To be more deliberate and to listen to my own small voice from deep within.

My health is the one priority which is currently very clear to me. Just to stop is what my body and my mind are crying out for. As stopping completely is not possible, I need to make the life I already have more manageable.

I have already posted on the blog about some of the tools I am starting to use, I hope that others might find them useful and inspiring too. The discipline for me now is to let go of that urge to scan around for other tools and not to really work in any depth, with the ones I already have.

These tools are the ones I have chosen that will best bring myself back and help me to be mindful. It's not easy to break the chains and patterns of the past, especially when I get carried away by the doing; by the things that "have" to be done. My fear is that I am continuing to waste time on the "shoulds" and the "what ifs", that my wants and my priorities and my voice are all drowned out by them. I am holding onto the urge to be responsible and to live up to my own unrealistic expectations, which to be honest have always led me to be harsh with myself. I am grappling with that at the moment too. If I let go and give myself some space then how do I still that inner critic who will berate me for not finishing what I have started and for not being responsible.

Simplifying means giving space to the part of me which has a different voice, a small voice that needs to be nurtured and allowed space to grow. As that voice doesn't really know who it is or what it sounds like, stopping and stripping everything familiar away would be too crippling for it. This voice also wants things to be finished satisfactorily and for responsbilities to be taken seriously. So I have to work in the context of my external life as it is now, making it more manageable. The tools I have already mentioned in previous posts, will help me to ask myself how I can do the everyday things differently. Mindfully.

So for me to start to simplify I must:

1. Talk to my boss about my working pattern and commitments, and how I can make this more manageable for me given the health concerns I have at the moment.

2. Stay with the tools I have already shared or am sharing today, and use a couple from the past. Stop gathering. Go deep.

3. Meditate.

4. Gradually reduce what I have already gathered - explore what I no longer need.

5. Go gently. Maitri.

6. PLAY. Being a beginner, nurturing that small voice. Just allowing myself to play with words, with paint, whatever comes. No pressure. No expectations. ENJOY. RELAX. CREATE. WALK.

Beginnings - Mindful52

This week, work with the concept of new beginnings occurring all the time. As you remain hopeful contemplating the year ahead – make lists and think about what you’d like to achieve. Journal so you have something to read each time you feel uninspired.Once you’ve done this, take steps each day to get there but enjoy each moment for what it is. When eating, eat. When working, work. When playing, play. Be with each and every activity of your life fully. Live fully, love fully and let go of anything not serving you.

In addition to taking part in A River of Stones during January, I also decided to to commit to this challenge also:  A year of Mindfulness - 52 weeks of focus. Both of these fit well with the tools I am using to break free of old patterns. I have some serious practice to undertake but I also hope that both involve fun and creativity too!

So here are some "beginnings" in the form of lists:

Key words

harness                      focus

stay                           get deliberate

clarity                        freedom

overflowing                overgrown

wild                           exploring

depth                         rhythm

peace                        inspiring

joy                            trust

value                         courage

do                             boundaries

accountable               compassion

connection                 acceptance(maitri)

balance                      energy

love                           laughter

Small steps

1. Meditate - stay, be still, be gentle, silence.
2. Write - Journal, reflect, blog.
3. Gratitudes.
4. Connection - reach out everyday.
5. Train in the three difficulties.
6. Courage - everyday courage.
7. Listen to my own rhythm, explore my own depths and boundaries - yoga?
8. Walk - dive into time, swim through time.
9. I am enough. This is my energy. Go into the deep. Call it forward.
10. Deliberate - choose, harness, focus.
11. Create.

I'm making more lists in my journal. An important list to make is about the things that no longer serve me and that can be let go of.

Right now there is so much swimming around in my head but one of my key tasks this year is to STAY. Not to wander off too quickly to the next thing, idea, blog, book, practice.

To stay for a while and explore the depth of whatever it may be. To focus.