Singalonga Saturday - If I Were Brave by Jana Stanfield

For all those wishing they were brave, waiting for inspiration, striking out with courage...and especially for those simply frozen in fear. My wish today is that they find some support and love to help them move forward.

Just thinking about this question makes me want to go lie down and have a nap. Maybe I'll think about it some more tomorrow. ;)

I'm not taking part in Tammy's  Link Love Mission this week, but wanted to say thank you to Beth one of the participants in the tajcommunity who posted a video of her photography and artwork set to this song. I was really inspired by listening to the lyrics and seeing her art work. I guess I'm still linking so must be taking part by default.

Mindful in May

Clear mind. Clean water. 

Keep Taking the Tablets

Or in my case, start taking the tablets.

I've been using Grey's Anatomy series five to stay ok this week(and for the past few weeks). I switch it on and dive in. It helps. Apart from the odd mind wandering and inability to focus, I manage to stay with the story line. Then when the episode is over I put on another one. I reached the end of the season on Thursday. I don't have any more. Withdrawal has kicked in.

It's the only thing that soothes me right now, apart from sunsets and rainbows(but I haven't got the energy to go out to see them). When I'm not at work, I'm either still working; worrying about work;  slumped on the sofa; trying to sleep; drinking tea at 3am; or aimlessly clicking on the Internet looking for an escape. I'm overwhelmed again. I'm not sleeping good. Last night was the worst. I hardly slept at all.

This morning and last night I thought "Just give me some tablets that will stop me being me. I just want it to stop. I want an easy way to continue existing."

 There are tablets I can take. I have some on the top of the fridge. I just don't take them. Then it gets so bad I just want to pop a pill that will stop me being me.

Me lately. Grouchy, difficult, shrill and emotional. Opinionated, on alert for a fight, hyperactive, workaholic, unpleasant, unfocused, dissatisfied, tired, disillusioned, searching. Lonely. Sad. Regretful. Whingey. Whiny.

Me how I used to be. Afraid, frozen, sad, lonely. Unable to speak. In pain. Quiet. Guilty. Searching. Unfocused. Opinionated. Workaholic. Tired. Hopeful. Whingey. Whiny.

Lately, hopeful seems to have disappeared.

Lately, I just can't stop my mouth from opening up and saying everything I am feeling. I am always trying to communicate in the world and it's not working so well. That's nothing new, it's never really worked that well; however these days I am offending more people. Like a toddler tantruming!

I just feel like the worst person today, because yesterday I probably upset my line manager (and she is a nice person who means well and knows her stuff and in addition she is ill).

"Seek first to understand, then to be understood." 

Stephen R Covey

This is difficult for me. I'm working it out still. I feel angry at the world and like a child am blaming everyone else. So I want some tablets to make me into someone else please. Someone that others understand. Someone that understands others. Isn't it time I got myself sorted? How old am I? How unpleasant am I? How often do I fall into old patterns of thinking and behaviour? Can I have some grow up and suck it up tablets please?

Grey's Anatomy, sunsets, rainbows and blogging. Oh and REST. Yes rest might help.

Maybe I just need to be still, calm and listen more? Maybe I just need to stop it with the focus on me, me, me. Maybe I need to get out more?

"Effective listeners remember that "words have no meaning - people have meaning." The assignment of meaning to a term is an internal process; meaning comes from inside us. And although our experiences, knowledge and attitudes differ, we often misinterpret each other’s messages while under the illusion that a common understanding has been achieved." 

Larry Barker

"An essential part of true listening is the discipline of bracketing, the temporary giving up or setting aside of one's own prejudices, frames of reference and desires so as to experience as far as possible the speaker's world from the inside, step in inside his or her shoes. This unification of speaker and listener is actually and extension and enlargement of ourselves, and new knowledge is always gained from this. Moreover, since true listening involves bracketing, a setting aside of the self, it also temporarily involves a total acceptance of the other. Sensing this acceptance, the speaker will fell less and less vulnerable and more and more inclined to open up the inner recesses of his or her mind to the listener. As this happens, speaker and listener begin to appreciate each other more and more, and the duet dance of love is begun again."

M Scott Peck MD

"Listening looks easy, but it's not simple. Every head is a world."

Cuban Proverb

Balance again. Blogging it out. Time to reflect away from the very busy and demanding working week. A lull in the anxiety about family. Acceptance of where I am and what is happening. 

Maybe the tablets will stay on the top of the fridge once again. Imperfect me is here to stay. She is working it out everyday and sometimes she gets it wrong. Sometimes she is overwhelmed. Like everyone. There is no tablet needed for being human. I don't need to numb. I am alive. This is how it is.

Here is the end of episode 13, one of two of my favourite episodes(episode 12 is my other favourite).I cried nearly all the way through both of them. I am crying at the news today. 

The music is "Drifting Further Away," by Powderfinger and the lyrics are a good end to this post. Let's not allow each other to drift away. Let's look after each other. I'm off now to ensure my wallowing does not add to the problems in the world. I am off to be shaken. Take care. I love you.

In The News Last Sunday - Being Gay

On Sunday morning, I watched a much criticised debating show on the television. It follows straight on from a politics show which I like; and as I do so much reading during the week, I tend to have substituted these for reading a newspaper lately.

Most weeks I will turn off the second program in a rage at opposing and(from my perspective) bigoted, often dangerous opinions. Age has helped me learn that there is no point trying to persuade or reason with some people, it's best just to express your view and then walk away. So I turn it off.

I turned it off this week when a otherwise pleasant enough woman said this...

"......it is almost compulsory to be gay these days."

Errr? What? No. Stop it. Just stop being so ridiculous!

Now I cannot begin to put together any sort of argument against this right now. It is late. Well it's only 9pm, but the day has been busy; my head is a little bit mashed and the rest of the week looms. I am afraid I might tire myself in my exertions. Howver I just have to write this post, poorly put together or not. Emotional and reactionary or not.

The nice, smiley, jolly lady, was objecting to Stonewall's use of the word bigot, or more specifically their Award of Bigot of the Year being given to Cardinal Keith O'Brien for expressing what many gay people found offensive views on gay marriage earlier this year. I also find his views offensive and dangerous. As the parent of a wonderful human being who just happens to be gay, I value the freedom that he has. I in no way take this for granted. It has been a hard journey for him through his teens and young adulthood. The freedoms I am so thankful for have been hard fought for by others who have gone before him. What I am very conscious of, is that despite all that my son now has in the way of freedoms, there are still very dangerous fanatics out there who would hurt him and restrict his freedom, who would like LGBT people to simply not exist!

Whilst I agree with some critics of Stonewall, that the use of name calling to make a point is often counterproductive, resulting in knee-jerk reactions like the one from the lady above. In this case I feel that this award highlights what those who are working for equality and for justice are up against.

Currently Stonewall are being labelled bigoted bullies. I disagree. How can they be labelled as such when the Cardinal uses such damaging language against a group of other human beings. We do not need church leaders to be fuelling prejudice and fear, there is already much of this still existing in our society and around the world. Stonewall speak for their members and they need to be heard. The Cardinal speaks for some members of his church but not all. Stonewall are not fuelling prejudice and hate. As a Christian leader the Cardinal has a responsibility to speak carefully, in ways that do not add to the prejudice that gay people all over the world still suffer.

The initial finding of a research study into the lives of LGBT young people were published in a report lat week by Youth Chances. Initial finding indicate that one in four gay young people have been assaulted because of their sexuality; and the rates of self-harming in LGBT young people are significantly higher than the national average of one in twelve. The researchers are suggesting that despite Britain being way ahead of other countries on gay rights; prejudice and bullying are still a huge problem. A survey by Stonewall has previously found that one in six people in this country have a "low" opinion of gay people.

We have come a long way since the brilliant Alan Turing was driven to commit suicide. After being convicted of gross indecency at a time when any act of sex between two men was a criminal offence, it was just too hard for him to carry on.

........Mr Turing was left with two options – jail or chemical castration. He chose the latter and was given oestrogen hormone injections, widely believed to have led to his death. Two years after the conviction, aged just 41, the great mathematician died of cyanide poisoning. A bitten apple was found lying next to the dead body.

from: The battle to pardon Alan Turing 

Last year a petition asking for a pardon for Alan Turing, which had more than 23,000 signatures, was rejected by the government. The writer expresses so eloquently what a pardon would mean for gay people today: 

The petition has a wider scope and carries a deeper significance than simply a battle for the rights of a single individual. It seeks to acknowledge the severity of past perceptions and the suffering those attitudes can lead to.

The life and reputation of a great scientist have been ruined because of his sexuality. And while we have made giant strides in the right direction when it comes to the rights lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender people, there is still a long way to go before eradicating prejudice and homophobia in the UK and globally.

Mr Leech believes that Mr Turing’s case has not only a national but also an international significance and can set an example for many countries that still consider homosexuality a criminal offence.

“If we wipe these convictions off our record and do pardon people who have been convicted, this gives a stronger voice in tackling homophobia, in tackling unfair treatment of homosexuals, whether in his country or abroad,” Mr Leech said.

According to Stonewall, over 70 countries still criminalise same-sex relationships.

 A subject barely touched upon anywhere in mainstream society, I was interested to see this part of LGBT history highlighted in the mainstream TV drama series Downton Abbey , also shown on Sunday funnily enough. The programme also mentions Oscar Wilde also imprisoned for gross indecency and sodomy.

Unlike the lady I quote above I feel that LGBT history and current issues are sadly neglected in the media. Mainstream news reports on Sunday did not mention the report findings about young people, or indeed this much more positive news item,  The Pink List; which is a list of fabulous role models who just happen to be LGBT. You would think that it would be seen as important to give air time to this list, to celebrate the brave people who are out there achieving wonderful and inspiring things despite the prejudice and bullying that still exists. It would give our LGBT young people hope to help them get through the dark days, and equally importantly it may help to educate and to change attitudes.

The lady was worried that "It is almost compulsory to be gay these days". No. For her and many others, they would rather LGBT people would just hide in the corner in shame as they had to do in Alan Turing's time. Times have changed and for the better. LGBT equality is not to blame for the ills of society. It's a little bit more complex than that. 

There. Finished. Yawn. Goodnight and thank you.

Monday Melody - Ripples Rock My Boat.

Enjoying this new musical discovery this morning. It's good to know that there are so many of us around, that still believe in the magic and the mystery.

Council spending £20m to evict families from their homes?

My thoughts overnight were with the Traveller community at Dale Farm in Basildon, who are facing eviction starting this morning. I have heard some arguments in favour of the eviction over the past few weeks, mainly about..."minority groups not following the planning laws like what the rest of us have to" and similar complaining voices who try to justify this with statements against the Traveller's lifestyle. You know those voices right?

Frankly I am appalled at these arguments, and in addition am disgusted and shocked that the government and Basildon Council are set to spend £20m on forcibly evicting people from their homes. Did I just write that? Did I just read that? I still cannot believe it!

No matter the arguments given about this and that issue with Traveller families, or the green belt argument(which in this case seems a manipulation of the truth) or the planning permission argument. There is no justification for this eviction. How can there be?

I would like to quote Roger Ratcliffe from this week's Big Issue In The North as I am unable to find the words to balance what might seem to some to be a very one-sided post by me today:

There is a huge piece of irony here. A sizeable residential community already established in a green belt area is about to be cleared and demolished because of a strict application of planning laws by Conservative controlled Basildon Council, while our Conservative dominated coalition government is preparing to relax those laws in order to encourage more house provision in England's green belts.

Leaving aside whether the question of whether this is really motivated by anti-traveller prejudices, if it goes ahead the eviction will be extremely messy and dominate TV news for days, and the net result will be the creation of a large number of homeless families which , as it happens Basildon Council has a duty to rehouse. They do not as yet have a clue how they are going to solve the big humanitarian crisis they are about to create. 

The government is similarly clueless. It could solve the problem of travellers' housing once and for all. Just one square mile of land would be enough to accommodate all of the UK's gypsy and traveller community according to a report by the Equality and Human Rights Commission. The government however, has slashed £30m from the amount it uses to fund new sites.  

It is clueless, too, over its proposed planning laws relaxation. This may well kick start a house building programme, but the overwhelming need for housing is not out in the countryside but for affordable accommodation in urban areas close to where people have the best chance of finding a job.

Full Harvest Moon - Celebrations

On Monday just before bedtime, I stood at the kitchen door, just in case I could catch a glimpse of the full moon. This Full Moon is called the Harvest Moon, the name coming from farming communities who would use the extra light for the few days around this time, to extend their working hours while bringing in the crops. Yes apparently there is something special about the way this Autumn Full Moon behaves.

Full Moon - September 12th 2011

 A mature person is one who does not think only in absolutes, who is able to be objective even when deeply stirred emotionally, who has learned that there is both good and bad in all people and in all things, and who walks humbly and deals charitably with the circumstances of life, knowing that in this world no one is all knowing and therefore all of us need both love and charity.

- Eleanor Roosevelt

 I have always loved this time of year, the harvest festival is one of my favourite childhood memories. For years we took a basket of food to school, where a display of all of the produce would be laid out on the stage in the hall. The baskets would then be added to with any extras, and taken out into the community surrounding the school to be given as gifts to older residents.

As a teacher I continued to be lucky enough to  join in with the harvest assemblies. This year although I won't be at a harvest gathering, I have again been lucky enough to have enjoyed the "fruits" of Mr Stayingawake's gardening and allotmenting efforts. I have also been able to share some of this early harvest with others, which has probably been the best part of it all. 

Maybe I will have to slip into a Harvest Festival this year after all, just to listen to the singing if nothing else! One of my favourite more modern Harvest time children's songs......

On this occasion of the Harvest Full Moon I made another Vision Board, keeping in mind the idea of gathering or harvesting, from the lessons I've learned over the past 6 months.

Maturity is the ability to reap without apology and not complain when things don't go well. 

-Jim Rohn

Full Moon Vision Board

"Maturity is that time when the mirrors in our mind turn to windows and instead of seeing the reflection of ourselves we see others." 

- Unknown

I am still doing some reflecting and reading, and now I also need to make some time for journalling and to keep my "green light" central in my sights. I am still learning how to move on from old ways of being. There has been much progress made, some set backs as you would expect, and masses of new learning. The green light is my go signal. There has been too much "getting ready", and too much "striving" to be perfect or thereabouts, and these things have interferred with my being and my doing. It is time to simply..."go girl" and to "be girl"...with more focused and deliberate doing. The time is now.

As much of my online reading is suggesting, this is a time to celebrate hard work and achievements; to take some time to be still; to appreciate the gifts from the universe; to ponder my place in it; and to savour the deep pleasure and mystery of this wonderful universe and it's creativity.

 Honor the harvest moon by acknowledging the lessons you’ve mastered, intentions brought to fruition, and personal work you’ve accomplished without judgment.

(from newmoonmanifesting  )

 There is pressure calling for you to stop and pay attention to what is happening around you instead of moving without noticing anything except what you think is going on. Things are a bit surreal putting you in a position of establishing reality when it appears there is a lack of it all around you. From this point on for the next two weeks while the lunar cycle wanes suits the process of cleansing and releasing what you have more clearly seen that no longer needs to be in your life.

( from lifencompass )

 Just one short pause on the journey. The next phase is beginning and with the releasing of what is no longer needed in my life,  it becomes clear again what this next phase is all about.

I hope that you are enjoying the beginning of Autumn, or indeed the beginning of Spring, for those just coming out of the Winter months. Thinking of those of you who have been affected by the turbulent weather in the past months and hoping that whatever season you are passing through is kind to you.

Community - reverb10 day 7

December 7th Prompt: Community.

Where have you discovered community, online or otherwise, in 2010?

What community would you like to join, create or more deeply connect with in 2011?

(Author: Cali Harris)

Yes it's Day 14 of reverb10 and I'm all behind. It is the run up to Christmas after all and I am decorating the kitchen! I had put this prompt and some others to the back of my mind, telling myself, "I'll come back to these later. These will take some thinking upon. These will take me to dark places.These are too difficult!"

This time of year is particularly hard for people who don't feel they belong and who are not part of any kind of community. Somehow in our society, community is something that many of us have lost while gaining lots of other things we maybe don't need quite so much. A sense of belonging is such a basic need for human beings.

Anyway, this prompt came back to the forefront of my mind, on Sunday whilst crossing the road outside my house. I was carrying a dustpan and brush, my hair was all over the place. I was wearing slippers, a thin T-shirt and summer trousers. I must have looked like some wandering, insane creature, bending down and brushing in the middle of the road, while muttering to myself!

I was clearing up glass. Lots of slithers and tiny shattered pieces of green glass. Broken beer bottles in fact.
I had been cleaning my front door(not something I do very often let me add) when I had heard the sound of breaking glass, and again, and then again. I had ignored it at first until I become a bit worried and decided to look up the street a ways. I spied three little boys, quite unaware of me watching and having fun with some broken bottles that had been left on the pavement. As a car went past one of them hid the broken neck of a bottle behind his back. It made me smile to see him trying so hard to look innocent.

I hesitated before I called out to them. They had clocked me watching, just after hurling another bottle across the road towards a lamppost, and were now moving away, their hands still full of glass. I called out asking if they were bored. They agreed yes they were. I said I knew it was hard being bored but I was worried about someone getting hurt, blah blah! They didn't say anything but looked suitably sheepish and quietly carried on walking, all glass now put down. Maybe I should have asked them to help me clear it up, but adults are less confident these days of getting involved with children they don't know. These boys clearly live in my locality somewhere, but I don't know them or their families. There is little sense of community here. I'm ashamed to say I only know one or two of my neighbours. We are all out at work most days and our paths don't really cross at all.

So after again some hesitation, I stopped my cleaning and was off across the road to clear up the debris. I managed to get most of it up. While cleaning up I ranted to myself about the adults that had left the bottles there in the first place. Small boys will be children after all.

So to come back to the Community prompt and my year. Where have I discovered community this year?
I don't find community easy. I'm usually feeling like the weird one that doesn't quite fit in. I often find it hard to communicate. I see community all around, all the time, but I don't really belong. I'm on the outside, looking in at the window.

This year I discovered a community in "the back group", while treking the Great Wall in China. Such loving souls that filled me with joy and accepted me, weirdness, communication difficulties and all. There was still a barrier there, but these people came the closest to helping me learn how to break through than anyone has for a long time.

Online, I have discovered another very accepting group of folk, who like to take a photo everyday (365 days project). I'm not sure how much they would accept my oddness if they met me in real life, but I'm learning a lot about how to be part of a community from them.

So on Sunday, brushing up the glass, I recognised that the community I had discovered this year, was the one that had been here all along.

Myself and the world around me.

Whatever I am doing and wherever I am.

Even where I am not.

I have let fear and depression, stop me from being a part of it all too often.

This year I really started to take the steps to change this.

So next year I want to choose more often to be going inside. Less often looking through the window.

To do this, I have to be more willing to also open my own shutters, and to let the light shine out.

Thoughts of death. Thoughts of life.

VII Sonnet: Our Dead

They have not gone from us. O no! They are

The inmost essence of each thing that is

Perfect for us; they flame in every star;

The trees are emerald with their presences.

They are not gone from us: they do not roam

The flow and turmoil of the lower deep,

But now have made the whole wide world their home,

And in it's loveliness themselves they steep.

They fail not ever; theirs is the diurn

Splendour of sunny hill und forest grave;

In every rainbow's glittering drop they burn;

They dazzle in the massed clouds architrave;

They chant on every wind, and they return

In the long roll of any deep blue wave.

Robert Nichols 1893 - 1944

The Aftermath

I read this poem at my Dad's funeral. It seems such a long time ago now, and just lately I have wished he was close by so I could go and visit for a while. My sister said that my words and the poem made everything seem alright. It was a distressing time for us all, the family had been so close to death and illness for so many years and there were some dark shadows in our memories. The loss of our only parent, now threatened the peace of each one of us children who were left behind. We felt it all again. Somehow I was able to stand up and speak at his funeral. I wanted them all to understand him, and to have compassion for him. I wanted them to know that though we had lived with loss and hurt for so long, it was all ok and our parents were still here in our children and ourselves, in the universe around us. Though I truly believed the words of the poem and wanted to find and give comfort, I still wanted my Dad back and was still angry with the world he and my mother had experienced. The world my sisters had experienced. The life that we, each one, had experienced. The questions that were always unanswered.

Like many people, death and I have had too long a relationship. Thankfully, this relationship has become more peaceful these days.

It's strange to look back and realise that, for a while I feared death and longed for it at the same time. A funny sort of tension.

A kind of surrender to the fact of death, coupled with a strong fear of living, that gradually crept up on me when I wasn't looking. All this slowly contributed to draining the passion from me and leaving me sleepwalking through life.

Somehow, and I'm not quite sure it matters how, life seems to have grabbed me once again, and has shaken me awake. I nolonger really fear death, nor thankfully, do I long for it either.

I want it to stay away as long as is possible, as life feels good, and full of energy and passion these days. I accept that death and loss are part of life, but this is a more peaceful acceptance, not a giving up or a despair.

I am at last learning to live, mindfully, to be joyful and celebrate life. To live with strength alongside the bad things in life, with the shadows and the tragedies in my own and in other people's lives. Those of family, friends and "strangers". With the horrors we see unfolding on the news. I grieve. I accept. Feeling helpless still comes of course, but the despair is less consuming. It no longer diminishes me. I take part(almost)fully these days. I laugh and I cry and I am learning to take action, mindfully. I nolonger feel powerless. Or not for long. I have a part to play in the world, in the continuing turning and changing universe with it's light and it's shadows.

This energy and power is most vivid when I am out in nature. I am filled up again when I am feeling depleted and just seeing the beauty and miracle all around is a constant source of joy. I am so privileged to have come to this realisation and to have the time and the space to fill myself up like this.

My thoughts today, are with those not so privileged, with the children forced to take part in war and who see terrible sights and suffer loss that is unimaginable to most of us. Also for those who have lost others suddenly and violently, and who are struggling to make sense of it all and to continue on their way.

Stay

The streets were screaming this message at me on Wednesday afternoon, as I returned to my car.

Of course it may have been my own desire to stay in this moment, overflowing onto the pavements, that I could hear.

Whatever it was, these grey streets and dilapidated buildings are pulling at my heart.

Whatever happens, I'll just skip along the steps and enjoy the August sunshine while it lasts.

How To Live The Simple Life.

Image from the BBC Website

I watched this TV programme a few months ago, on the BBC, where Peter Owen Jones tried to follow the teachings of St.Francis of Asissi and live without money. This was prompted he said, by the fact that he felt caught up in the consumerism of Western Society, a victim of this way of living, out of touch with nature and with other human beings.

I was facinated by his experiment and so too yearn sometimes, to live my life in a very different way. Peter says that, human beings have broken away from the law of love that everything is created with love and is part of one family.

He pleads with us to give up being addicted to becoming strong, to status and asks us instead to make ourselves weak and vulnerable, as this is how we will connect with others. I cried with him when complete strangers gave him food, after he had waited outside shops hungry and begging. He exchanged work for food, a community based on reciprocity. He asks us to give much more in our lives than we do. I was struck by the sense of community that was evident in the village where he has his home.

I have decided that when I come back from China, I am going to put my energies into the community here at home, in some way. I have another small project that I was mulling over yesterday but was rather miffed that when I put it out there, my other half said that it was probably another one of my mad ideas that would fall by the wayside! Cheek!

Anyway, back to living the simple life, I have been a fan of Zen Habits for some time but have never really been able to take control at home due to living with others who like lots of stuff! Ok maybe it's not just them, I'll admit I do like my stuff too! Oh the arguments(never serious) we have had about my throwing out some old item of clothing, that my beloved is sentimentally attached to! Or about the stuff we never look at or use that is gathering dust in the attic! I think it's time to start some serious clearing out!

Today there was a breakthrough of sorts as I was clearing out the wardrobe and drawers in our bedroom. I was given permission to disgard several worn and tatty looking items of clothing that belong to him! Gosh it feels so good to have space again! I got rid of much of my clothing also and have a big bag ready for collection for the charity shop on Tuesday.

It's old news on the internet but I'd quite like to see if I could do what Everett Broge has been doing, namely the challenge of living with only 75 things. We shall see! It would be interesting just to count all my stuff (or maybe not interesting but more likely exhausting!) Apparently, and luckily for me, the challenge does not include books in your 75 items, phew! I probably have more than 100 old photographs which I guess is a bit of a problem to start off with!

Peter Owen Jones reminds us that human beings are no more important than other creatures with whom we share the earth. Thankfully, walking is bringing me back in touch with all of the abundance, the beauty of our world and the creatures we share it with. Playing with my camera and taking part in projects such as the August Break, is giving me a chance to play and be creative again! That all feels so much more satisfying than going shopping ever did!