Farewell to the old - but don't throw out the baby too!

"Today I am going to believe that showing up is enough."

Brene Brown from The gifts of Imperfection.

I've just "showed up" here today to share a few words and some music for New Year's Eve. As I start to write this I don't know where this post is going. I always feel rather sad on New Year's Eve and I've come here with Brene Brown's quote above clutched in my heart, to get myself out of this funk!

This morning I completed Reverb10 in my journal, or rather I completed as much as I am going to complete. After my usual fashion I skimmed the surface of some of the prompts, and made a few jotted notes which I may or may not return to. At the back of my mind was today's prompt, which was really useful, as certain words and phrases kept coming up and although I haven't written this one yet, it is formulating, somewhere......in there.....in the deep.... 

December 31 – Core Story.

What central story is at the core of you, and how do you share it with the world? (Bonus: Consider your reflections from this month. Look through them to discover a thread you may not have noticed until today.) (Author: Molly O’Neill)

The word I chose for 2010 was Visible and I will continue with this process of becoming visible into 2011. Although it makes me feel very vulnerable and exposed sometimes, I do love my little blog and my 365 days photography group. 2010 has been a wonderful year, one in which I finally began to grow up; one in which I finally began to find a voice; and one in which I began to get to know myself and to take care of myself. I put myself back in touch with some parts of my old self and took myself off to China. I carefully poked around at my boundaries and stepped gently out of my comfort zone in the real world too. Lots of learning happened this year as is always the case, I want to take that forward with me. So I'm saying goodbye to some old patterns today, firmly bringing along the best of my old self, and also that new learning from this year, as I continue on my way.  

My word for 2011 is Peace. It won't all be peaceful, especially not if I continue to be seen and to be heard! What I mean to create is an inner peace, one that I deliberately and carefully nurture, one that is not shaken(not destroyed or diminished) by the outer world, one that will allow me, at last, to truly bring my gifts to the table to share.

So my core story, though not written yet, is about "the peaceful and loving deep" and the detail of my life. About all of the things I love and about what makes me unique. I like to skim, I like the big picture, that is one of my strengths. But it is also a way of escaping when it things get too difficult. Now it is time to stop and explore a little more, a lot more! There is much of me that is hidden below the surface and has been unknown even to me, and certainly uncelebrated by me. It's time to enjoy diving in, to enjoy and to celebrate the rhythm and texture of my life and of who I am. I am deep and rich and resonant, and my story from today is about how I share this with the world.

I love this New Year's song - it is deep and rich and resonant. Such beautiful photographs too.

Happy New Year.

New Year's Song(Tar Barrel In Dale) - Rachel Unthank and the Winterset

2010 Remembering Haiti - Hopes for 2011

In January 2010 there came the terrible news about the earthquake in Haiti. Last night as I watched this baby's story I remembered all the lives that have been affected by this event. There were other earthquakes too this year, in Chile and in China once again, and we also watched helplessly as on our TV news reports, we saw people's lives destroyed by the floods in Pakistan. Alongside these natural disasters, countless other children are caught up in conflicts throughout the world.

The doctor who brought baby Landina to the UK for medical treatment gave this interview earlier in the month where he talks about the issues about her future that they now face. What is right? Should he have brought her here? If she is returned to Haiti when she is a little older how will this affect her now she has bonded with her host mother? So many questions.

This is a news report about the story and showing Landina's mother facing the reality of deciding what is best now for her daughter. So many questions.

As the 2010 ends I am grateful for the doctors and nurses and other volunteers who are giving their skills in the places that need them most. For the journalists that keep us informed about what is happening in the world. For the individuals who act, lead by example and speak out.

Dr David Nott is now committed to providing a home for Landina's mother and siblings, one to where she may hopefully be able to return. He has set up a fund for this purpose, Friends of Landina where donations can be made. Having chosen to intervene, he now cannot walk away and talks about his commitment to Landina being lifelong.

"Landina's network of influential friends inspires confidence that she will be well cared for, whatever happens, but one senses there are some difficult decisions ahead. 'In one respect she is a microcosm of Haiti,' Nott says. 'She shows the importance of following through. When the earthquake happened, people felt sorry. Billions of dollars of aid money was promised. Where is it? Haiti is worse than it was 10 months ago. It's an open sewer. Just as I can't help Landina and then leave her, so governments shouldn't abandon Haiti." (from The Telegraph 13/12/10)

With the UN backed elections taking place in December and January 2011, let's join Dr David in not letting go of hopes for this country and it's children, in keeping the pressure on and in doing whatever we can. There are fewer questions here.

Midwinter Thoughts

It looks like the thaw is coming.

Yesterday we went out for a boxing day walk and were lucky enough to catch what looks like could have been the last really cold day(of this spell).

Temperatures are up today and water is already dripping down from the rooves around here. On my mind are the folk who live in areas that are usually hit by floods at these times, hoping that they will be spared much of the devastation they have experienced these past few years.

Since the Winter Solstice on Tuesday last week I'm taking the time to keep in touch with nature everyday. Deep in the weeks of November and early to mid December it all seemed quite bleak. The bustle of Christmas preparations gives us something to look forward to in all of this but then again, you can easily lose touch with your own rhythm.

Whilst I am sure that January and February will still bring some hard times ahead for people, the shortest day has now come and gone which means that spring is on it's way. The Christmas lights twinkling all around are a reminder of that. I am already noticing a slight shift in the times of the sunsets, so that daylight remains with us each day, for just a few minutes longer.

Getting up and out yesterday, my body recognised that it was walking again after these dark winter days without. Since I got back from China, I have not gone out walking once. My heart and soul recognised that I was out in nature again, watching the birds and feeling at one with the sky, the trees and the water. There was so much beauty all around that my camera was out snapping away (as is quite usual these days).



Advent Madness

Well, on December 1st I declared my intention to post on my blog everyday during Advent. With the help of Virtual Advent Tour and reverb10 I was happily on my way, visiting, reading and writing everyday.

Then I ran into my old friend Christmas stress, who I met hurrying along the road, trying to keep up with work stress, who was already going at a very fast pace. These two took my elbows and bundled me along not a very pleasant street. So while I've been yearning to get back to my blog and the comforting place I've carved out for myself here, I just didn't have the energy.

It's been a bit mad around here to tell you the truth, and that's without the snow chaos and the long queues of traffic going into the supermarket car park. In a way that's a good thing, it highlights(yet again)what is not necessary anymore and what the important things are in life. Maybe this time I might just listen.

I'm loving this gentle melody at the moment and thought I'd share it here. However you are getting ready for Christmas, and whatever is important for you, I hope that you are able to give your energies to the most important things. Have a Peaceful Christmas.



 Oh, I believe that if you download this during December the proceeds will be donated to The National Autistic Society.



Community - reverb10 day 7

December 7th Prompt: Community.

Where have you discovered community, online or otherwise, in 2010?

What community would you like to join, create or more deeply connect with in 2011?

(Author: Cali Harris)

Yes it's Day 14 of reverb10 and I'm all behind. It is the run up to Christmas after all and I am decorating the kitchen! I had put this prompt and some others to the back of my mind, telling myself, "I'll come back to these later. These will take some thinking upon. These will take me to dark places.These are too difficult!"

This time of year is particularly hard for people who don't feel they belong and who are not part of any kind of community. Somehow in our society, community is something that many of us have lost while gaining lots of other things we maybe don't need quite so much. A sense of belonging is such a basic need for human beings.

Anyway, this prompt came back to the forefront of my mind, on Sunday whilst crossing the road outside my house. I was carrying a dustpan and brush, my hair was all over the place. I was wearing slippers, a thin T-shirt and summer trousers. I must have looked like some wandering, insane creature, bending down and brushing in the middle of the road, while muttering to myself!

I was clearing up glass. Lots of slithers and tiny shattered pieces of green glass. Broken beer bottles in fact.
I had been cleaning my front door(not something I do very often let me add) when I had heard the sound of breaking glass, and again, and then again. I had ignored it at first until I become a bit worried and decided to look up the street a ways. I spied three little boys, quite unaware of me watching and having fun with some broken bottles that had been left on the pavement. As a car went past one of them hid the broken neck of a bottle behind his back. It made me smile to see him trying so hard to look innocent.

I hesitated before I called out to them. They had clocked me watching, just after hurling another bottle across the road towards a lamppost, and were now moving away, their hands still full of glass. I called out asking if they were bored. They agreed yes they were. I said I knew it was hard being bored but I was worried about someone getting hurt, blah blah! They didn't say anything but looked suitably sheepish and quietly carried on walking, all glass now put down. Maybe I should have asked them to help me clear it up, but adults are less confident these days of getting involved with children they don't know. These boys clearly live in my locality somewhere, but I don't know them or their families. There is little sense of community here. I'm ashamed to say I only know one or two of my neighbours. We are all out at work most days and our paths don't really cross at all.

So after again some hesitation, I stopped my cleaning and was off across the road to clear up the debris. I managed to get most of it up. While cleaning up I ranted to myself about the adults that had left the bottles there in the first place. Small boys will be children after all.

So to come back to the Community prompt and my year. Where have I discovered community this year?
I don't find community easy. I'm usually feeling like the weird one that doesn't quite fit in. I often find it hard to communicate. I see community all around, all the time, but I don't really belong. I'm on the outside, looking in at the window.

This year I discovered a community in "the back group", while treking the Great Wall in China. Such loving souls that filled me with joy and accepted me, weirdness, communication difficulties and all. There was still a barrier there, but these people came the closest to helping me learn how to break through than anyone has for a long time.

Online, I have discovered another very accepting group of folk, who like to take a photo everyday (365 days project). I'm not sure how much they would accept my oddness if they met me in real life, but I'm learning a lot about how to be part of a community from them.

So on Sunday, brushing up the glass, I recognised that the community I had discovered this year, was the one that had been here all along.

Myself and the world around me.

Whatever I am doing and wherever I am.

Even where I am not.

I have let fear and depression, stop me from being a part of it all too often.

This year I really started to take the steps to change this.

So next year I want to choose more often to be going inside. Less often looking through the window.

To do this, I have to be more willing to also open my own shutters, and to let the light shine out.

It's Christmas present time again! - Choosing books for children.

This year I decided that I was going to buy books for all my sister's grandchildren. The year before last I bought them all a board game each. Then last year it was a very unimaginative selection box and a gift voucher. This year(and possibly future years too) I am going to be the "Great Aunt that buys books".

I always loved receiving books, and still do! As a child I couldn't hear people call me, when I was nose and head in a book! However I realise that some children don't like reading, and don't have access to the printed word that much. One or two of the seven there are left to find gifts for, are happy with books and reading. One or two are not, and are boys to boot! So I was keen to find something that would not turn them off reading even more. I think that these great finds, at the Christmas Fair yesterday, will go down a treat! Especially this first one! ;)

One each for the youngest two cousins.

One each of these for the two cousins that do quite well at school.

This one for the oldest boy, who has just started Secondary School.
Struggles with reading but loves footie.
There is quite alot of text in this one but some cartoons and interesting captions too. I think it could grow with him.

The Christmas Fair - 11th December

I love a good Christmas Fair, always a highlight of the Advent season. This is one I was taken to yesterday was possibly the busiest I have ever known. Great atmosphere and different to the usual church or school fairs I am used to. This one is a larger community getting together and is a big tourist draw in the middle of the winter! Massive amounts of people all crammed into one small street, great for the local businesses, who were having people queue outside their tiny shops and letting in a few at at time.



Collecting for Help For Heroes - "Away in a Manger" played very well indeed.



Choosing the next piece of music, I'm facinated to know what unexpected traditional piece is next (as we had come around the corner he had been playing "Living Next Door To Alice").



"Victorian" children everywhere, complete with welly boots.



Morris Dancers out for a good time!



Christmas crowds and peaceful view.





Just gorgeous!





Plenty of Cheese and Chutney.



Torchlight Procession including "Mary" on a real donkey.




A last look back at the christmassy village

 

Quiet

It's only two weeks until Christmas Eve.

Need some quiet moments.

Party! Reverb10 - Day 9

December 9 Prompt: Party. What social gathering rocked your socks off in 2010? Describe the people, music, food, drink, clothes, shenanigans. (Author: Shauna Reid)

Too tired for a party? Too tired to blog? Yes that's me tonight. It's 10.15pm and way past my bedtime folks.

I can't go to bed yet though. The "social gathering that rocked my socks off in 2010" question, has me scratching my head. I've looked at other great bloggers who are writing about tea parties and about how the party is about the people you are with rather than the occasion itself. I'm loving the post I found about a children's party. But my post? My party? My socks being rocked?

I am reminded of the time I was asked to be a bridesmaid at my sister's wedding, aged about five or six. No way was I going to do that! Not a party exactly, but my reaction then, has continued in much the same way through the years.

On being invited to a gathering, a party, or other social occasion:
1. I fret about it for days beforehand.
2. I sometimes don't give a definite yes or no to attending, preferring to see how I feel on the night.
3. Then on the day of the party itself and on the evening of getting ready I umm and ahhh, do i cancel, do I go?
4. I snap at anyone who comes near while making up my mind or whilst I'm getting ready.
5. I am an absolute nightmare.
6. I often don't go in the end. If I do go, it can go either way. I either have a great time or am home early feeling relieved.

This year I think that there have been three gatherings/parties that rocked my socks off. So far!

The (old)Office Christmas Party 2010
First off, I wasn't at this party.
I've moved jobs this year and my new place of work hasn't yet had it's party.
Office Christmas Parties are possibly my worst nightmare. However when I looked at the photographs of this one that I didn't attend(on facebook) and saw all the fun loving, fully alive and joyful people I have left behind, my socks were well and truly rocked off by their awesomeness!
I felt a pang of regret for all the times I went along, and was so full of anxiety that I couldn't enjoy myself properly! Ho Hum! Maybe that's just not my sort of party. They are my sort of people however and I must catch up with them soon.

A fortieth birthday party: We were invited along as a surprise and had no idea what kind of a "do" we were going to. We ended up sitting on a sofa, yes a sofa, in a nightclub, half dazed and watching everyone around us either drinking too much or leaping about suddenly in response to the very loud music!

We were almost reclining as we were so exhausted, and watched facinated, as party life went on around us. Life but not as we know it! We very much felt like we were already "past it." Granted we had driven a very long way to wish the birthday girl a happy day, and had not been fed when we arrived, for this was a drinking and dancing party. This party rocked my socks off however, as I sat close to my loved one on the sofa, watching the crazy nightclub world close up and remembering when we used to dance the night away down at the Disco!

 The Cake and Chinese Party, Plus Bonfire:
Another sock rocking occasion. Walking socks this time! The best of the year. The whole of the China trip was a party to me. It certainly was a social gathering of a different kind. One that involved lots of great company, folks with kind hearts and quick to laughter. Every night was a party with tasty chinese dishes and rice of course, eaten with chop sticks. Local beer and wine was on offer, as was water or Sprite. The first glass on the house! On one night, there was a birthday cake for one of the trekers, and on another a bonfire and beatles music! Laughter flowed and faces glowed in the heat of the fire. Good friends were made! Great memories!

I think half of the problem with parties is that they often don't start until nearly bedtime! Yawn! Goodnight.

Letting Go. Reverb10 Day Five

                                                                 

Prompt Day 5: Let Go.

What (or whom) did you let go of this year? Why?

(Author: Alice Bradley)

I promised myself I would blog everyday during Advent. This morning I hit a wall, no inspiration at all.

I am also behind a bit with the Reverb10 prompts. Both the day 5 and day 6 prompts have left me floundering so far and I haven't really had time to reflect. So no Advent post and no Reverb post today either!

Then I noticed that in the news there was a story about parents taking photographs at school Nativity Plays. For a few years now there has been a bit of an uproar about this issue, with some schools banning photographs being taken by parents at these occasions.

Today there has been guidance issued by the Information Commissioner saying that there is no breach of the Data Protection Act made by parents taking pictures for their own personal use. The article linked to above, discusses all of the other concerns that schools and parents might have about photographs being taken. These include concerns about photographs of adopted, fostered, or children under protection orders, being posted on Facebook and their real parents finding them; the risk of a paedophile taking pictures at a school event and other safety and security concerns.

Of course these are all very valid concerns and vulnerable children have to be protected, but as a society we do need to strike a balance. We cannot live in fear in this way, and neither can our children. Today I hope that we can let go of some of the fear, and allow ourselves and our children to experience more freedom and more trust.

Anyway, whilst pondering this issue and my post for today, I remembered this photograph of my four year old son, dressed as a shepherd and carrying a sheep.

It was taken almost twenty years ago, I watched proudly as he walked on and took part in his first Nativity Play. One of his Aunties and his cousin were also there watching too, I'm sure. In fact I think my sister took this precious photograph.

The photograph made me start thinking about the Reverb prompt for Day 5, and what I had let go of this year.

2010 was the year I finally put down a huge weight of guilt about my little boy/big man. I'd been carrying it around for some time, building up the reasons why, over the years of his childhood and teenage years, I had let him down.

I've been working to let go of this for a good few years, since he was about eighteen or maybe even before that. Instead, I've been working on being the best mother I can, in the here and now, and building what we have together in the present. With who he is now. I also let go of some sadness and some sorrow associated with that guilt. I let go of some anger and some bitterness. I let go of a degree of loneliness. I let go of some fear.

Why? I let go of these things because I knew that to continue holding on to them and letting them rule me, would continue to damage both of us and our relationship. I had to let love back in. Love had to help us both grow and heal.

I didn't let go of worry. What parent can honestly say that's possible? I controlled it somewhat. I put it in a box and took the lid off only at certain times. If the worry began to get out of control I put the lid back on swiftly. I managed this most of the time.I read this book  too, which also helped a little.

This year was also the year my fledgeling flew the nest, properly. Of course he'd started to get his feathers and to learn to fly a good few years ago. This time he was off! In fact he's not really even a fledgeling anymore, as he is off to build his own nest!

For a few weeks now his bedroom has been empty and the house strangely quiet. He has been back to visit and eat our food once and will be back again soon, I'm sure. He is happy and enjoying himself. It is lovely to see that happening! All this love and forgiveness has helped me nurture and guide him through these really important years of young adulthood. Thank goodness I let go when I did!

Having your Christmas Cake and eating it too - Advent

Christmas cakes are usually made well before Advent begins. In our house the Christmas Cake is made by the man of the house, using a recipe that his Mum Rose gave him.


 Last year he made cakes as part of the Christmas presents for many family members. Some appreciated his cake recipe more than others, and this year I think there may be Christmas Cake wars!

This is the original recipe that he is very kindly letting me share, here on my blog, copied from the piece of paper his Mum gave him a few years ago. Every year I get to eat delicious cake, without having to do any of the hard work.


Tonight I got home from work late, and had a ready made blog post all thought out in my head, also without any of the hard work! Cheeky I know!

Rose's Christmas Cake Recipe

Ingredients:

10oz plain flour

1/2 tspn salt

1/2 tspn mixed spice

12oz currants

12oz sultanas

12oz raisins

3oz glazed cherries

2oz chopped almonds

8oz butter

8oz soft brown sugar

4 large eggs

1 1/2 tblspn black treacle

1 wine glass of brandy or rum

baking paper

8 inch cake tin

Method:

1. Put oven on at 150 degrees.

2. Sift Flour, Salt & Spice into a bowl.

3. Cream Sugar and butter together and add to bowl.

4. Stir well until mixture is completely mixed.

5. Whisk eggs and gradually add to mixture stirring as you add.

    6. Stir in Treacle and all fruit(pre-soaked in the alcohol) gradually.

7. 8 inch tin should be lined with grease proof paper both inside and out to prevent burning.

8. Pour mixture into tin pushing it into the corners.

9. Bake for 3 hours at 150 degrees then a further 1 hour at 100 degrees.

10. Test cake by using a knife in the centre. If mixture clings to knife as it is removed then leave to cook for longer testing frequently.

  The recipe doesn't include decorating instructions and the cook usually cheats a bit with this, buying ready rolled icing! We'll let him off I think!  
 

Wonder - Reverb10

                                                                 

Prompt: Day 4: Wonder. How did you cultivate a sense of wonder in your life this year?

(Author: Jeffrey Davis)

This version of the classic seasonal song was featured on the A&M album "A Very Special Christmas" in 1987

In response to this prompt, I wrote an entry in my journal all about how this course and my camera lens, has helped me to cultivate a sense of wonder in my life this year.

I am still continuing with the photography following on from the course, which began in March. A group of women also participating in the same course, set up a 365 days project. The photographs I took last week continue the winter-wonderland theme. It is sometimes easier at this time of year to have a sense of wonder isn't it?



December



So this year I discovered how looking at life through the lens of a camera helps me to zoom right in onto the tiny details of life. I notice a great deal more than maybe I used to and a sense of wonder has accompanied this more careful looking.

I love how I can go from noticing a leaf or a tiny blade of grass, or to how the sky or the light changes from moment to moment; to the vastness of that sky or to the sea or hills and mountains rolling away into the distance. From the small details and patterns, to the bigger picture. All that are too much of a miracle to be fully accounted for.

Here are some of the photographs taken since March allowing just a tiny glimpse of all the abundance around me. I can see it all everyday, if I take the time to look!



November



June

July

August

September

October

Coupled with the taking of an incredible amount of photographs, I also spent a lot of time walking this year. Getting ready for the China trek both mentally and physically,  helped me to feel a sense of wonder at what my out of shape body could still do. It has been great being out in nature more often too!

While in China I spent time with some fantastic people, who remind me of the capacity that human beings have to care, to give, to overcome hardships and to make a difference. This year I've been focusing on the wonder of such people, instead of simply feeling despair at the scale of some of the problems in the world.

Here is another Christmas song. I feel a sense of wonder at the hope that people have that things will change.

Decorating Time!

Pointsettia and Advent Candle



It used to infuriate me for some reason, when I would call to see my foster mother late on Christmas Eve afternoon and she was up a ladder "just finishing off" painting a room!

As a consequence of the urge to paint and decorate hitting her late in Advent, her Christmas decorations were rarely up before 10pm on Christmas Eve!



It wasn't such a big deal really, as Christmas mornings were never early ones, even when we were children. As we were not allowed to get up before 9am on Christmas morning, the late night decorator could have a bit of a lie in. Christmas mornings at five or six o'clock, we would ask if we could get up, then at seven, only to be told no, it was too early. We were allowed to open one present however, from our stockings, whilst waiting for the grown-ups to surface.

After we grew up and left home, present opening and family gathering time, was in the evening of Christmas Day anyway, so there continued to be time for the house to be decorated, and made ready for visitors on Christmas Day!

As I lived between two families, I had the contrast of another way of doing things at Christmas, quite early on in life. My birth family put up the Christmas decorations a good two or even three weeks before Christmas and there was certainly no decorating of the other kind going on on Christmas Eve. They would be too busy spending time together, either with a Christmas Eve gathering or an outing to the Pantomime. Children were not expected to wait for anything much at all!

Holly

Since I have had my own home and family, I have taken to putting up the Christmas Decorations the Sunday before Christmas. I love to bring evergreens into the house, after all this was originally a pagan festival and I want to be reminded of the natural world and the turning of the seasons, amongst all the twinkling lights and tinsel. Last year we had a frantic search to find a tree, as more and more people put up their decorations earlier. It's nice to have flowers around for Christmas too, and of course sprigs of real Holly. My Nana always had Holly around the house, and a Christmas Cactus reminds me of her too. We were given a Christmas Cactus by my Mother-in-Law a few years ago, so these beautiful plants now have two extra special women associated with them in my memory.

Christmas Cactus

So to get me into the festive mood early, and to bring some Christmas colour into the house, I usually buy a Pointsettia plant once December arrives. I have to buy one every time, due to the fact that, while in my care, the poor plants never seem to survive to bloom another year. I'll have another go with the one I bought this year as I've found a new website which describes a year long "schedule of care" to follow. Wish me luck!

Oh and by the way, I am decorating my kitchen just now. Don't worry though I am sure it will be finished well before Christmas Eve. Fingers crossed!