Developing a sense of wonder and curiosity about "worthiness".

I looked in the mirror, half way through this day that marks the end of seven years working in a particular field, seven years being a particular version of me.

Some of this was me, the real me whoever she is. Some of this version was just an empty shell, a robot going through the motions, someone who was afraid for most of her days, a desperate seeker looking in all the wrong places, in all the wrong ways. I made those fear choices. It was all my own doing.

People say that there are no wrong choices, just different paths we can follow. But for me it wasn't just an alternative path, it was the wrong one! It went wrong long before I started that new job seven years ago, I didn't know it at the time. I just thought I wasn't good enough. I was simply trying to fit and not measuring up. Narrow definitions and impossible standards! I wrote a very tricky rule book just for me. Nice!

But today marks the end of that new start I made all that time ago. I've learned so much of value. I've lost so much of value. I'm starting to find it all again. So there is hope. It may be late but there is still hope.

Anyway, I am in my dressing grown, my hair wild and badly dyed, I am hairy and unwashed. Prompted to look in the mirror by this and through that, by this, (thank you, thank you - do listen).

Still I was afraid to look.

This person in her dressing gown isn't me. The past few weeks have changed me beyond recognition, I think. I have decided to strip away the illusions of the past seven years and beyond. I am afraid that if I look in that mirror right now, I won't see anyone I recognise, and that I will not be able to look at her with love. What would happen then? It feels very scary. I have let myself sink into a place I haven't visited for a long time and it doesn't feel at all worthy here. Please excuse this blog post, really only fit for my journal. However I do need to wade through all this again, deeper this time, noisily this time, here, risking all. Maybe I'll uncover something of value. Maybe I can free something that has been trapped, find something of me that has been lost.

Back to the mirror. I've nothing to lose.

I was listening..." What if you walk down the hall and look in the mirror....?"

So I did it and I was surprised at what or who I saw. There she was, her eyes smiling suddenly, with love; her hair shining in places, her mouth...yes I recognised her. It was not some monster after all, she was still there whoever she is.

Thank you for this prompt today Kat  : What does worthy look like?

Today worthy means getting dressed, doing my hair,
Smiling with love at myself in the mirror, again.

It means enjoying the silence.

Enjoying the sunshine on the bathroom door,
Noticing the wind rattling the blinds just now as I write.

Worthiness means taking care of the little things,
Cleaning the cooker,
Putting on another load of washing,
Doing it with love.

My pen moving across the paper.

Worthy means seeing kindness
In the tired eyes
Looking at the space we call home.
It means wanting to care for it.

Worthiness is taking care,
Wanting to take care,
Doing these things with love.

Worthiness is taking the time
Just to be friends with me,
Getting to know what I love
And doing those things.

Worthiness means spending time
Generously on myself,
Without worrying that there isn't enough
Or that I am not enough.
Or that time is wasted,
Or that decisions might be mistakes,
So maybe I won't make one today.

I deserve to be fully in this moment.
Savouring and discovering what it is that I love,
For almost the first time.
Truly.

Enjoying my thoughts,
The tastes, smells, sights and textures
Right now.
Each of these is a precious gift
And I am worthy of recieving and savouring these.

Worthiness means soup and a roll,
instead of a fried egg and toast again.
Home grown vegetables. Pasta.
Lentil dahl.
Strawberries.
Living well, and so much more.

Worthiness means a richness.
The luxury of savouring
These things I enjoy.
Simply because they bring me
Joy
And fill my senses.
Not because I "should".

Worthiness means singing
At the top of my voice,
Whirling around
In the kitchen
Or while I hoover or iron clothes.

I am singing.

Then
I am speaking.

Worthiness means letting out my voice.
I am here.
Look at me, hear me.
Isn't life wonderful?
Isn't it a beautiful day?

Worthiness means quiet love,
Compassion
And an understanding
Of the time it takes to heal,
Or to feel sad,
Or angry, or hurt.

It means that where I am 
Now,
Is ok.
It means a helping hand.
It means I love you.