Returning from the land of busy - a check in.....

 Hello. I'm here this morning, sending love out into blogland; taking the opportunity at this inbetween time after Christmas and before the New Year begins. 

Previous year up to this one, I would want to stay in the darkness...with the artificial and candle light creating a cocoon; and the illusion that time is halted for a little while. 

Only a few walks on hillsides or beside the ocean would tempt me outside. 

I've always reluctant to go back out into the real world and life as it usually is.... which for me was always work and busy busy busy. 

These few days are almost like that time in the morning when you are still in bed but awake, and know you can snuggle back down for a few more minutes. 

This year I still feel that sense of time standing still, however the big change is that I am not working at the moment ..... so no return to that busy busy work-life without balance. A new way of living lies ahead of me in 2023... I will be working again and I cannot deny that it is going to be a challenge not to return to my old ways. However I am determined not to return fully to the "land of busy" and to make some time for self-care, creativity and reflection. 

I will turn 60 years young in February and my healthy adult self is in the driving seat more often than not.... this journey continues in a more balanced way and with space and time for thriving. 

I am curious and grateful to experience this next chapter.

Sending love to you dear bog friends for a peaceful and joyful 2023 - signing off now. xx

August 2022 - Whinlatter Forest

Resistance Training

Ok so I am needing to strengthen a few of my muscles lately. I just read this Guardian article which has really helped to remind me about the futility of anger with the current state of the world and politics, and about how much more effective you might be as a campaigner if you...."practise stepping away, instead of getting swept into a futile whirlpool of rage, which only serves the other side. It’s like strengthening a muscle. You might call it resistance training." 

 

High tide. 16.2.17

The article talks about Social Media and that ranting in anger or clicking on other people's rants is seductive and can provide you with the illusion that you are actually doing something useful. I don't often rant on Social Media these days, only on rare occasions, but I do post and share articles and quotes that I tell myself serves in two ways. Firstly, I tell myself that this helps myself and others feel we are not alone in a social media world that can seem very alien sometimes; secondly I tell myself, it serves to raise awareness and gives people something to think about that they might not otherwise realise or ponder (this is particularly on Facebook). I do sometimes click in anger I do admit and I notice that maybe people don't react to my sharing of news etc., because maybe they muted my wall in order to see less of my opinions! Ha ha. I get it. I need to strengthen my muscle of silence.

Sky, moon, trees, bandstand. 7.2.17

"You alone are enough. 
You have nothing to prove to anyone." 

Maya Angelou

I do need to step away and think about how I can make a difference in my actions, rather than simply by sharing my views and beliefs so readily. I remember a lovely colleague who I regarded as a very wise and beautiful human being. At that time I thought she was so wise, and I so wanted to be like her. I admired her integrity and still do. She was, and still is, a vegan and also a passionate protester and protector of animals. I loved her compassion in action. I still do. However I remember once being with her at a work conference, I can't remember what caused the reaction in her, but I recall her acting with such anger and was so judgemental towards another human being with regard to his strongly expressing his beliefs and foisting them on others. I felt quite shocked at the time, because I recognised that what she had reacted so strongly to in him, was also how she often acted with regard to her own beliefs. It didn't change my love for her and my admiration of her integrity, but it did make me stop and question. It's that thing about the ego coming into play even with those who think they are the enlightened ones. It's about compassion too isn't it? But also about not making excuses for people or viewing them as victims. About boundaries and personal responsibility too. I need to strengthen my muscle of compassion.

Evening Churchyard looking West. 15.2.17

Anyway, I was talking with my therapist about how I sometimes am inappropriately intense and demanding in my social interactions with others. Maybe I use my opinions as a way of avoiding human intimacy and maybe I can also misunderstand the social rules of relationships quite often. So I have been strengthening my muscles in this area too this week, when having lunch with my sister. I tried to do more listening than I would usually do, active listening for the things that are important to her. I am stepping away again, or trying to do so, from holding any expectations of others. I am trying to do this in an active way, not with any feeling of resignation or helplessness; and not with any concept of myself as not worthy and with a humorous view of my own usual, what has been called, "over-sensitivity." It was quite pleasurable. I need to strengthen my muscle of curiosity.
 

Ribs. 16.2.17

 

Where are those places in nature, in the rain, where you feel your brittle heart crack and you still feel the most like you? 

 

I found the above question and the related poem today. It reminds me of the importance of getting in touch with those moments, those places where and when I feel most like me; because I've not been feeling very much like me lately. Not grounded, not whole, not full. I need to fill myself up, and these are some of the places I have been doing just that during February. I need to strengthen my source muscle and breath the fresh air deep inside of me. 

 

The Bay. 15.2.17

Through the trees. 7.2.17.

Ripples. 15.2.17

Evening on the lake. 7.2.17

Textures. 16.2.17

Sea birds. 16.2.17

Surge. 16.2.17

Snowdrops 15.2.17

Body, mind and spirit - all in need of some training right now. Spring is coming, it feels like now is the right time to begin again.

Beginner's Mind - Day 23 of 31 Days of Change.

“In the beginner’s mind there are many possibilities, but in the expert’s there are few.”  

– Zen Master Shunryo Suzuki 

"I don't know" is a good one! Whenever you happen to hear yourself saying or thinking this--whatever you are doing at the time--it is a very good sign that insights and understandings are going to be coming up. In the troubled times of my life, I find it a great relief of stress when I can remember this: "I don't know."

People don't allow themselves this stance of "I don't know" often enough. This is because we always know, or we always think we know. Most of the time when people think they know, they don't really know at all. All they know are their past impressions of the situation that is happening now, the conclusions they came to on previous times, or judgments about similar events or circumstances that happened once upon a time.

Living with "I know" is a tremendous handicap that keeps us out of the present, and living in the past. It doesn't allow us anything new, no surprises, no insights, no discoveries. It doesn't allow us to unlock and understand any of the mysteries of the present moment, and it keeps us frozen in the judgments of the past.

That is why beginner's mind is a wonderful strategy for those who would like to learn about the deeper mysteries of life. It isn't easy! There's nothing people treasure as much as their brilliant opinions, unless it is their cherished beliefs. Yet these will not help us in finding these new dimensions of life that are to be found in schools like this.

Beginner's mind doesn't ask you to believe in anything in particular. It simply says put aside the beliefs you already have for a little while, and do the exercises the teachers suggest without beliefs or expectations, simply to see in your own direct experience whatever your experience of these exercises is.

And after the exercises are over, you can go right back to that shelf again. You can take back all of those opinions, all that reason and logic, all of those cherished beliefs--just the way you left them! You can put them right "back on" all over again. If there happen to have been some new insights, something new, never noticed before, something you've seen with your own eyes, or heard with your own ears, something you've smelled, or tasted, or felt with your own sensitive body, there is no problem about that. You can still leave with what you came in with. That choice is still up to you.

Quoted from:  Teaching Tools for Mindfulness Training

I have always struggled with "I don't know". When I hear myself saying this (which is quite a good deal if I am honest), I feel irritated. I have often struggled with the constant feeling I have had, that of always being a "beginner"; of always feeling "new"; of always being a stranger, even when I get to know people well. 

Fear of failure and lack of self-trust has gotten in the way of being able to "live life to the max with beginner's mind" . I have felt too hesitant and too fearful to really trust myself, or the universe and to let go and jump into life with full on love, excitement and joy. That longing was inside me all of these years, and would bubble up sometimes in certain circumstances when I felt safe. I really did believe in the possibilities and wonder of living life this way, I simply seemed unable to feel the joy in my heart. For a long time I was frozen, immobile and afraid. I did not know who I was and could not "be myself", though other people often advised me that this was the way to be happy.

It finally seems as if this year I am becoming more open to the possibilities and more myself than ever before.

Drawing a nude in public - Day 6 of 31 days of change

Well, today I drew a male nude for the first time and walked through a paper forest.

I went here to see this:

Much of the exhibition involved participation, inviting visitors to take time out and relax, have a bit of fun, or to contribute one of their own sketches to the wall of life-drawings. These having been created from a huge naked humanoid male model, himself one of Shrigley's creations. If you are planning to visit then please don't read this next sentence as it will spoil it for you! As I was drawing him, I noticed that he was blinking. He had these amazing big blue eyes and long eye lashes. He looked so funny that it made me giggle. A few chairs along a small girl was also drawing him.

I wish that I could show you a photograph of him, however anyone taking photographs was asked to sign a form saying that we would not reproduce the images. Sad really. However I managed to find a photograph someone else has posted here....

..................and here is my effort at drawing him, though the photographs are not very clear.

He was so big I couldn't fit all of his bits on my paper - blush.

 I actually went to Manchester to see Alan Turing and Life's Enigma at the Manchester Museum, which was both fascinating and heartbreaking. I hadn't known that his suicide had been a result of his being convicted for homosexuality(then a crime), and his sentence which involved treatment with female hormones. I think I will post more about him and this issue in another post. It is late now and I am unable to find the words.

I only stumbled upon David Shrigley's exhibition by accident. I am so glad I did. Much fun was had.

I ended the day with a look at The First Cut, an exhibition of paper sculptures, some of them huge and dramatic, some tiny and delicate. This magical forest was one of my favourites. I loved the way the paper leaves were moving and cast shadows on the floor.

The Wonder Forest by Manbu Hangai

The leaves are made of seaweed and smell of the ocean.

Jimmy McGovern - bringing us closer

 "Television is a medium of entertainment which permits millions of people to listen to the same joke at the same time, and yet remain lonesome."

T.S. Eliot

Whilst being aware that I watch too much television and always have; I am blogging about my passion for good screenwriting about the human condition. I have been inspired again recently by a series of four television dramas, that have been screened on BBC 1, and written by Jimmy McGovern.

For those of you that do not know his name, Jimmy McGovern is a BAFTA award winning script writer for English television. His writing for television, first became part of my life in late 1982, when the soap opera "Brookside" first came to our TV screens. "Brookside" was just another TV soap to many, but in it's early days and particularly through the writing of Jimmy McGovern, who wrote 24 episodes between 1982 and 1988, it started to help me feel less alone in my views about society and the politics  of the time.

I was living in London at the time, and my memories of my tiny bedroom there, are all wrapped up with images of the Falkland's War on my portable black and white TV, and of watching the first episode of Brookside. 

While researching him today, I discovered that Jimmy and one of the most prominent actors from the early Brookside cast, Ricky Tomlinson; both left the series due to the producers refusal to tackle certain current events of the time in their story line. This was a programme that had been unafraid to push the boundaries of what issues could be covered, but it seemed that some things were still off limits.

Jimmy later went on to write about one of these events. He was asked by the families of some of the people who died in the Hillsborough disaster to tell the story of what happened. His docu-drama Hillsborough was screened in 1996.

In the nineties, already a reader of crime fiction and always fascinated by what brings people to make certain choices in their lives; I became possibly the biggest fan of Jimmy McGovern's crime drama series Cracker. I couldn't fail to be engaged by his writing, which brings us closer to the perpetrator of the crimes and their motivations. The key character Cracker, is a forensic psychologist who is both horrified by the acts he investigates, but is also full of compassion for the person sitting before him and how they reached this point. In his personal life his human weaknesses and mistakes, make him a character full of contrasts. The barriers between people, the judgements of good and evil, that lead us to feel separate from each other, are blurred; and the writing constantly raises questions. We find ourselves standing in the shoes of someone we thought was very removed from ourselves, and having some understanding of what it is like to be them.

Always controversial, Jimmy's writing for television always brings us closer to understanding each other, the human motivations and conflicts that occur for individuals in the most difficult of situations. Compassion and understanding are always there. We may be alone when we watch the TV but with Jimmy's writing we feel closer together.

So I am writing today to shine a light on Jimmy's current TV drama series,  Accused. This is the second series that he has written, of four single drama's, which all begin with a character who is in the court room being tried for a crime.  At the beginning of each drama we, the audience, do not know what the crime is, and we are led back in time to witness the events leading up to this moment.

I have loved all four stories so far, but the first one "Tracie's Story", was just so moving and I felt, very important. The fact that it was screened at 9pm on a weeknight, peak time and had Sean Bean playing the central character, a transvestite called Tracie, made me celebrate. It is not often we see a story of a Transvestite on our TV at all, we do see gay characters more often now since Brookside in the 80's, but not really transvestites or transexuals.

 I thought of all of the people watching and empathising with Tracie. I thought of all of the people with similar lives to Tracie who were watching and feeling less alone, more understood. In the eyes of the people watching, someone like Tracie, might now be seen as a person with a history and feelings, instead of simply a figure of fun and someone to direct their hate, fear and anger at.

It made me think of the T.S. Elliot quote above and how, in fact, television can make people feel less alone. Times have changed since television was only a medium for entertainment, now it informs, educates, inspires, creates action. I hear you all who are shouting at me now, and agree that for most of the time, television today is full of absolute rubbish, the purpose of which only appears to be to numb the masses, to stop us thinking too much; not to increase our compassion or to bring us closer together. However, here is a jewel amongst the dust.

Sean Bean as Tracie

Each one of these dramas has been just incredible. The writing and the understanding of human motivations and difficult choices, is simply astounding. If I had ever fulfilled my dream of being a writer, this is the kind of writing I would aspire to. Totally my hero, Jimmy McGovern. Hearts.

The story of Mo and Sue, episode two of this series, was another smasher! Whilst very shocking and frightening, it brings to mind the saying "there but for the grace of god go I". It's about how we are all human with the same capacity for behaving in the same ways. We are all prey to weaknesses, but some of us have factors in our lives that help us when we have difficult choices to make.

This episode is the story of two mothers of teenage boys, growing up in an area badly affected by gang violence. Two boys who were friends and subject to the same pressures. When one is found to have shot the other in a gang initiation, his mother tries to protect him and hides the gun. The words of the mother of the dead boy at the end of the drama, stay with me. She, understandably, cannot forgive her friend and judges herself and her son as being different, and if the situation was reversed, as being able to make better choices. A very sad story indeed but very interesting, to wonder what makes one person act in one way and another person, given all the similarities, in another way.

I thank Jimmy McGovern for writing such drama, that leads us to ask these questions, and makes us stop and think before blindly judging and condemning others for their actions. Please can we have more and more often?

 "I do not write to champion a group of people. I come to tell their story with conviction and truth. But you need permission from the person with ownership of the story, and their version of events may clash with what really happened."

- Jimmy McGovern

 

Stained Glass - August Break 18.

I remembered this on Friday last week. At the end of a week that saw the "something awful" that was overshadowing our lives since April, to an end at last; I found the strength to go back to the Stained Glass workshop and pick up my panel. It's been months!

After some searching around in the workshop, Sue found my panel on the top of a shelf. Needless to say, it needed dusting off as it was covered. Strangely after all this time, my view of the finished article seems to have changed. I feel less critical of the outcome now, and quite proud of my work.

At the time I completed it , I never wanted to see another stained glass making project again! I recall getting quite impatient with the time it was taking me to complete. Blood was drawn once or twice, and getting the lead and glass to fit was a battle and a half! Now, I feel that maybe I could have another stab (ha ha) at making something else. This time I would keep the design a lot more traditional and geometric; and I would listen to the instructor more(even though he was the sort of teacher who likes to let students learn through experience).

So here it is at last! The finished piece of Stained Glass made my me! The photo is also going to be for day 18 of the August Break.

Stained Glass by me - 18th August 2012

Looking through - 18th August 2012

I found a video on Youtube that shows the process of Stained Glass making that I followed. This teacher really breaks it down into small manageable steps which is helpful and the design the student has chosen is really simple for a beginner.

Our teacher was adorable. A really creative, messy, absent minded, arty type, who could never find any of his tools in his very untidy workshop. He was a little bit vague about how we should proceed and not suited to all learning styles. However for me he was a good person to learn with, as he wasn't at all directive, didn't interfere unless you wanted him too, and let me charge on with my design and learn by doing! Though I wanted to give up, I did persevere and in the end am very pleased with both what I learned about myself through the process and the finished piece.

If any of you are thinking of giving this experience a go, I would definitely recommend it.

I Am Quiet.

Card for today

"If you have found your truth within yourself there is nothing more in this whole existence to find. Truth is functioning through you. When you open your eyes, it is truth opening his eyes. When you close your eyes, it is truth who is closing his eyes."

Additional Card for today

It's time to take a look at your own reflection in the pond, and make a move to break out of whatever you have been conditioned by others to believe about yourself. Dance, run, jog, do gibberish - whatever is needed to wake up the sleeping lion within.

The Osho Zen Tarot cards I ordered came a few weeks ago, they are so beautiful. I don't always draw a card every day but when I do I often find it is the Inner Voice card.

I visited Inner Excavation Along again today and was prompted to write a "poem" about this inner voice, and the quiet I am encouraging within myself just now. It was a simple prompt - "I am"- it started with "I am quiet" and that is what is happening right now. I am practising becoming still and quiet so I can hear inside me, and so that I can see the essence of others. I am practising trusting my inner voice and the goodness of myself and others. I am practising curiosity.

Whilst I am reluctant to buy another book, add any more blogs or listen to anymore podcasts, I do know I need to just take the essentials with me on this journey. Perhaps Inner Excavation might be what I need right now and I am not sure I can join in properly without the book. I'll play along for five more days without it, then we'll see. In the meantime some decluttering is happening here.

I am clearing out the clutter of noise, so that I can hear inside me.