Worthiness Wednesday #14: Compassionate Curiosity - Worthy of Spaciousness.

I need this worthiness Wednesday today. I need to let the "little I" who self-sabotages, off the hook and not be afraid of her anymore. She can tell me useful things if I listen hard enough, I can get to know her in a new way. I can learn what truths she is telling me, and I can also see what old familiar illusions she is weaving, mischief maker that she is! ;)

How deep and serious she makes everything. How complicated.

How responsible she feels for everything.

How can I ever measure up to her standards?

How much more time will she give to telling me that "Good intentions are not enough" or that "it doesn't matter that you had good intentions you still screwed it up and are not enough!"

Do I have to tread this path again? How many times? I forgave myself yesterday so why do I have to do it again today?

Will I never be worthy of this, or of this, or this? Do I want this? Or it it just another illusion? Am i just setting myself up again, so that "little I" can say "I told you so"? Or so she can sabotage me with all this blame, and tell me that this is who I am.

Staying mindful? Opening? Love? Who knew it would be such hard work?

Why not just throw it all over for sleepwalking again?

Keeping tight hold again? Isn't that easier? No, not a good place to be. "Little I" knows that I can't go back there.

Holding on gently, that's the way. But how do I get there, when the mischief maker loves destruction so much, and is screaming at me so loudly to hold on tight?

I read these words today about fear....  

"if the voice of uncertainty or fear is louder than the voice of our principled action, look at the goal and ask yourself "is this what I really want?"

 I am trying hard to listen but I can't tell yet if the fear is louder. At the moment they are about the same in volume. Fear might be winning. What then? What then? What if she is telling me the truth this time?

I read a poem about death today. About time running out before you've got to know someone. So much in life to do. "Little I" likes to create panic. She tells you that you haven't done enough and will never be able to. She stops you from living in the moment. She asks too many questions all at once..... How do I do this now? How do I take the next step and the next? I need to know where, why, when, who.....need to have a plan to get me safely to the end. I need some certainty. All the while she laughs her mischievious laugh as she watches me, paralysed, unable to put one step in front of the other. She knows there is only one question and that you know the answer, so she creates some noise to drown it out.

I listened to some beautiful lyrics and music today and I cried. So beautiful. It reminded me of the story of Sleeping Beauty where the good fairies come to the christening, and give the baby their wishes.

The music makes me think of my Mum, and her wishes for me as a baby. "Poor old you", whispers "little I" cruelly.

The music makes me think of myself and my wishes for my own child all those years ago. "Good intentions," she whispers again, "So many good intentions."

Hormones, I tell myself. That's all it is. But there is also "little I" - she spots a weakness and she is in for the kill.

Luckily "Little I" is losing her power, now I'm taking a good long look at her, letting her off the hook.

My mind is all fuzzy today, and I'm afraid that I cannot remember all that I've learned in the past year and a half. I stopped keeping tight hold of everything, and now what?

"Look what happened when you let me off the hook last time", she says importantly, sure of her power again.

I tell her that I have a choice. Yes, it might feel like exam morning or interview day, when you think you've lost it all, but you do still have a choice if you take a breath and smile. You can choose to go in with a new, fresh sort of giddyness and joy, all warm and open to the new, fresh world of today. Or you can choose to shut down, and listen to "little I", and go in with panic and fear, eyes open but unable to see the possibilities.

So I'm letting "little I" off the hook today, and tomorrow, and whenever I spot her at work. Sitting with the feelings and watching her at work is the place to start. Take a breath. Trust. Create some space.

Loving this poem today