Mindful52: Simplify

Posting everyday in January, has not been a great success for me so far. I've been fearful to post my small stones, as my ego did not think they were polished enough! Thankfully I got this reminder today, just after I wrote the above words in my draft post.

Nobody polishes the sun. The sun just shines

~~~Chogyam Trungpa

Yet again I fall into the trap of comparing myself with others, it is so easy to do so, the chain being years long in the crafting. I end up listening to the critical voice in my head which tells me: "you are not a natural writer and just look at all these other talented people all over the internet. Your small stones are cringeworthy, you should cast them aside!"

Awareness of that critical voice is good, even if it only comes after busy days of mindlessly listening to it. Remembering to let go of the outcome and to enjoy the journey is something I am ready to take further this year. I need to play a little. That familiar critical voice which doubts that I am enough, needs to be hushed.

It may be helpful to me to post everyday, using the small stones, if it is making me feel good. The temptation is, that I will use this beautiful space to offload all the negativity, that tends to spiral up when I am working hard and have little time to reflect. And that is not what this blog is about. It is about Staying Awake, being curious, playing and celebrating life in all it's ordinary and extraordinary glory.

Yesterday when I saw the #mindful52 prompt for this week, I was not in a place to respond. A good night's sleep and some focusing down this morning has helped and I am ready to start to tackle this now:

Mindful52: Simplify - How can you simplify your life? How do you make it more difficult than it needs to be? How are you wasting time? What are you holding onto that is not serving you? Work with this concept during the next week to see what comes up for you. Meditate on simplicity.

This year I have a need to create more peace within myself, to STAY, to go deeper and to stop gathering more and more. Just to work with what I have already found on my journey so far. Just for a time. Until I manage to see clearly what my priorities are. This is how I intend to simplify my life. To stop whirling around, just for a moment or two in time. To be more deliberate and to listen to my own small voice from deep within.

My health is the one priority which is currently very clear to me. Just to stop is what my body and my mind are crying out for. As stopping completely is not possible, I need to make the life I already have more manageable.

I have already posted on the blog about some of the tools I am starting to use, I hope that others might find them useful and inspiring too. The discipline for me now is to let go of that urge to scan around for other tools and not to really work in any depth, with the ones I already have.

These tools are the ones I have chosen that will best bring myself back and help me to be mindful. It's not easy to break the chains and patterns of the past, especially when I get carried away by the doing; by the things that "have" to be done. My fear is that I am continuing to waste time on the "shoulds" and the "what ifs", that my wants and my priorities and my voice are all drowned out by them. I am holding onto the urge to be responsible and to live up to my own unrealistic expectations, which to be honest have always led me to be harsh with myself. I am grappling with that at the moment too. If I let go and give myself some space then how do I still that inner critic who will berate me for not finishing what I have started and for not being responsible.

Simplifying means giving space to the part of me which has a different voice, a small voice that needs to be nurtured and allowed space to grow. As that voice doesn't really know who it is or what it sounds like, stopping and stripping everything familiar away would be too crippling for it. This voice also wants things to be finished satisfactorily and for responsbilities to be taken seriously. So I have to work in the context of my external life as it is now, making it more manageable. The tools I have already mentioned in previous posts, will help me to ask myself how I can do the everyday things differently. Mindfully.

So for me to start to simplify I must:

1. Talk to my boss about my working pattern and commitments, and how I can make this more manageable for me given the health concerns I have at the moment.

2. Stay with the tools I have already shared or am sharing today, and use a couple from the past. Stop gathering. Go deep.

3. Meditate.

4. Gradually reduce what I have already gathered - explore what I no longer need.

5. Go gently. Maitri.

6. PLAY. Being a beginner, nurturing that small voice. Just allowing myself to play with words, with paint, whatever comes. No pressure. No expectations. ENJOY. RELAX. CREATE. WALK.