Hello. I'm here this morning, sending love out into blogland; taking the opportunity at this inbetween time after Christmas and before the New Year begins.
Previous year up to this one, I would want to stay in the darkness...with the artificial and candle light creating a cocoon; and the illusion that time is halted for a little while.
Only a few walks on hillsides or beside the ocean would tempt me outside.
I've always reluctant to go back out into the real world and life as it usually is.... which for me was always work and busy busy busy.
These few days are almost like that time in the morning when you are still in bed but awake, and know you can snuggle back down for a few more minutes.
This year I still feel that sense of time standing still, however the big change is that I am not working at the moment ..... so no return to that busy busy work-life without balance. A new way of living lies ahead of me in 2023... I will be working again and I cannot deny that it is going to be a challenge not to return to my old ways. However I am determined not to return fully to the "land of busy" and to make some time for self-care, creativity and reflection.
I will turn 60 years young in February and my healthy adult self is in the driving seat more often than not.... this journey continues in a more balanced way and with space and time for thriving.
I am curious and grateful to experience this next chapter.
Sending love to you dear bog friends for a peaceful and joyful 2023 - signing off now. xx
Oh my goodness, it's May again already! Where has all that time gone since I last wrote properly here, and what have I been doing since then? Sometimes I feel sad that I have not kept blogging here as it is a great place to keep a record of all the things that catch my attention, important events and my feelings about them; and how in general I am doing on my journey. It's a place to keep in touch with other bloggers and get involved in blogging challenges. I do love it here and miss writing here.
Sometimes I find that lately, particularly since I had my cataract surgery and became single again, I just can't find the energy or time to write much. I seem to be less reflective and more in the moment, living my life and not ruminating on improving myself all of the time. I do miss that part if me who is so reflective. I spent a lot of time with her. Sometimes I feel afraid about how fast time is passing and I am not thinking about it or reflecting or making the most of things. That part of me likes to cling onto things and thoughts and memories, and I recognise the panic and that old feeling of not doing or being enough. She did become rather stuck in the past though, and could be too negative and pessimistic.
These days a photo a day helps me to feel I am marking th e day. Sometimes a meaningful quote, sometimes a written reflection. As always life is busy with my day job still. There is no-one living here with me to help cook or wash the pots and clothes, or to do the garden. So I suppose the time I used to spend reading and writing, and occasionally being creative, is now spent on household chores and clearing my head space! Myself and the cat seem to make an awful lot of mess just by ourselves it seems. No wonder he needs so much rest all of the time. 😂
I won't sign up for any blogging challenges this time. That never seems to work for me. Life is incredibly busy and I do continue to live life with a sense of joy, and awe and wonder. Along with that I do also continue to be quite scattered and unfocused, which I am coming to accept is just part of how I am. Some of the not getting to grips with this part of me, is due to having been feeling quite lacking in hope and energy for some time. I had really struggled when I became single again, and to be fair, before that too with recurrant depression. Also for years I had been battling with social anxiety and recovery from trauma from my childhood. I was always someone who had hope in bagfuls, but this year when a loved one really hit a difficult time, I just couldn't pick myself up again. I am doing well again now thank goodness, here I am again taking one step at a time, one day at a time....focusing on the good things in my life and how I can do small things to contribute to making the world a kinder place.
"'One is always at home in one's past,' wrote author Vladimir Nabokov. I agree. Sometimes that's not a good thing, though. It may lead us to flee from the challenges of the present moment and gp hide and cower and wallow in nostalgia. But on other occasions, the fact that we are always at home in the past might generate brilliant healing strategies. It might rouse in us a wise determination to refresh out spirit in the deep solace of feeling utterly at home..... I invite you to keep a running list of the ways life delights you and helps you and energies you. Describe everyday miracles you take for granted...the uncanny powers you possess...the small joys that occur so routinely you forget how much they mean to you...the steady flow of benefits bestowed on you by people you know and don't know. What works for you? What makes you feel at home in the world?"
Hmmm, what makes me feel at home in the world? For starters... solitude, stillness, the sound of water running or surging, music playing, singing along on a sunny day or whilst cleaning the house, movement.... like riding my bike or driving along(not speeding of course) or walking in nature ... being with people who "get me" and who I equally "get', a good story either written or acted, poetry, words, song lyrics, art...photography... seeing the details or the larger view, birds and their songs, tree friends, sky colours and sunsets, bluebell woods....
Photos and videos from March and April this year, what a lot of goodness there is! What makes you feel at home in the world? I'd love to hear what you love and what loves you. This past year has been so difficult and the world and humanity continue to bleed and suffer. This has always been the case of course, but some of us were protected more than others. We felt the personal suffering, but were more removed from wars, disease, racism and other forms of hate. This past year has reminded me of my privilege and to make the most of every tiny moment. Life is precious and these moments of awe and wonder fill my cup and bring immense feelings of gratitude.
As I missed singalong a Saturday this week, here is the song I would have posted.... it's music Monday!
Sending love and blessings to all of you out there in bogland on this holiday Monday. 🙏
I love this video and the song too. It seems to relate to how a lot of people, particularly teenagers and children must be feeling in these strange pandemic days. I heard it on the radio when I had a 15 year old with me, who I work with in my job. It makes me think of her. I hope her friends are reaching out to her and helping her connect with herself and with a sense of joy, and hope and connection with the world.
With regard to myself... I am trying to be my own best friend and to remain grounded in my strength and hope and experience. I am appreciating the friends and connections that I have, though they sometimes don't feel enough. I know that I have hope and joy in abundance and the the lonely days are part of the landscape of my life.
I hope you are all doing well out there in bogland and just want to say thank you for your presence in the world. I appreciate this place though I don't often visit these days. Know that you are honoured here.
Hello how are you out there in blogland or wherever you are?
I am enjoying my music at the moment...life is good and I don't want it to stop. I am grateful for my privilege in so many ways. I am fearing change and hanging on to hope for dear life. I am trying to remain grateful and generous towards others. Fear won't stop me anymore. It won't make me hard, or resentful, or lost, and it won't stop me from enjoying the beautiful world...or from laughing and feeling joyful.
This was one of my favourite songs from a concert I was fortunate enough to go to last November with two of my most favourite family members, my little sister and my son. Tim Minchin is one of my favourite comedians and musicians. He has released his first studio album this week and how wonderful for me that this song is on the album!
How reflective, and beautiful it is. Not many people could write such a thought provoking song about flying through turbulence and contemplating death. Just so right for this time in the world... though he did write it before the Pandemic. Always good to have a reminder of our one life time, that time is short, and to check ourselves... who are we in this world? Who do we want to be? Before it is too late.
It's my first full week back blogging, and already I am feeling more connected to myself, the universe and to others. I am starting to feel more like my old self, but maybe without many of the thoughts and patterns that used to weigh me down. I am starting to feel more alive and as if this may be the start of a new energy and maybe even a new chapter in my life. Not too sure why or what this might be, but it feels very freeing. The old patterns and ways of being that were damaging and limiting for me do feel at last as if they are starting to shift. Let's hang onto that hope and optimism about the future I tell myself.
Sunrise one September Morning
Over the past two years I seem to have been treading water, in limbo, hanging onto my comfort zone for dear life as the rug was pulled out from under me. My friend told me yesterday that I needed to step out of my comfort zone and that if I wanted change I needed some challenge. I reacted straight away to her words with "I have had nothing but challenge what do you mean? A little bit of comfort zone would be good for a while actually." My friend is wise, and challenged my stuck thinking by pointing out that sometimes our comfort zone is just the familiar, and we can stay stuck there if we want to, but our comfort zone is not always comfortable or healthy. She reminded me that challenges are always present in life.
Steps up to Pendle Hill - Challenges
I thought to myself at the time that she does not understand how tired I am of challenge. I am challenged constantly in my job and my personal life in so many different ways and I am just exhausted by it. I do feel the stress I have been under for a long while had been toxic to my system. So I resist the thought of any more change or challenge. A bit like this drama queen below when faced with these difficult lions, ha ha!
"Daniel in The Lion's Den" by James Northcote at Howick Hall
A comfort zone is not just one overarching place for every part of your life, all of the time. You may be in a comfort zone at work, but stepping out and going through major change in your home life. You may be comfortable and happy in your physical health, but struggle with anxiety in social or work situations and so that feels like enough challenge for one life! It is good to reflect on this and ask yourself a few questions which is what I am doing today.
I have an interview for a job and can't decide if I want a change in my work life or not. Is it better to stay in my comfort zone, unhealthy though I do think it is, or change to the unknown. It is always difficult as the expression goes you might be jumping "out of the frying pan and into the fire."
Making flatbread last weekend
This change would involve a drastic change in finance, but may be less stressful and give me more time for me. I wonder if i would miss the aspect of my work that involves helping people in their lives, the psychology and the understand of others. I will mull it over further. Like my friend says I have nothing to lose by going to the interview have I? Blue sky thinking needed here I think.
Today's lovely sky!
The sun is shining today, I might go out for a bike ride before meeting family for a birthday meal. We are still allowed to meet up in groups of six, and as a family we have been very careful during the lockdown and have followed the rules. Currently it feels as if this may be the last time for a while as we await the announcements from the government this coming week about further restrictions.
I have had a good weekend so far, I met a friend for coffee, did my washing and tidied some of the ground floor of the house, walked for exercise, went to a support meeting online and am now heading off for a bike ride. I also blogged, watched two episodes of "Chernobyl" and messaged some family and friends to stay connected.
Place to rest yesterday on my walk.
Weekends do seem to go nowhere and are over in the blink of an eye. It has been good to visit here and get my thoughts on the page. I am grateful for my privilege, to be born in the location I was at the time in history I was, to be able to spend time reflecting as I can. It is a real luxury and I appreciate it. I count my blessings every day.
Sending love and blessings to you out there in blogland. I hope you have had a blessed weekend and are staying safe and well in these difficult times.
I had such a lovely day yesterday, we are both exhausted but made the best of our day out together.
We were supposed to be Christmas shopping, however the crowds and the shops are not really our thing.
I love this city, it's one of my favourites, and so just enjoyed soaking up some of the excitement and looking at the archetecture as we walked around in a daze.
I wrote in my journal in response to today's prompt, that "I need more life and less work in 2017."
How to achieve this is the question and how soon can I make a change?
In the meantime, I'm looking forward to nearly two weeks off work over Christmas and New Year.
Thinking about myself in the world, as a consumer and as a creator; and about the give and take of life.
"I've
always thought with relationships, that it's more about what you bring
to the table than what you're going to get from it. It's very nice if
you sit down and the cake appears. But if you go to the table expecting
cake, then it's not so good."
- Angelica Huston
﹏﹏﹏
"Be
yourself. Stand confidently in the knowledge of what you are bringing
to the table and then allow the mysterious, all-knowing and conquering
energy of Love to do what it does best for you!"
- Kemmy Nola
﹏﹏﹏
"I will bring to you the best gift I can offer, i will sing to you the best things on my mind."
"For in defining genius as one percent inspiration and ninety-nine percent perspiration, Edison surely meant in one direction, not in three. It was my Mother's misfortune to be born with the ability to write, to dance and to paint, and then never to have acquired the discipline to make her talent work for, rather than against, her."- Scottie Fitzgerald Smith
I'm finding it hard to focus....but this is my pile of half-read or to-read, there are a few lying about
the house and so have not made it onto the pile for the "photo shoot".
;)
"Yet it does concern itself, like the ordinary Bildungsroman, with the young person's creation of a self. But this self is a female self, and a female self coming to maturity in the age of the flapper. For any girl, the process of self-definition is complicated by the world's habit of defining her by how she looks; it is difficult for her to define herself in terms of who she is, rather than whom she is seen to be. For a belle in the year 1918, the problem of the constructed, observed, rather than authentic, self, is particularly acute."
- Mary Gordon, Zelda Fitzgerald Collected Writings
I'm also walking a little.
And I've been getting lost a little.
"She crawled into the friendly cave of his ear, The area inside was gray and ghostly classic as she stated about the deep trenches of the cerebellum. There was not a growth nor a flowery substance to break those smooth convolutions, just the puffy rise of sleek gray matter. "I've got to see the front lines," Alabama said to herself. The lumpy mound rose wet above her head and she set out following the creases. Before long she was lost."
I came across this amazing film yesterday..... here .
It expresses something of how I was feeling and I really wanted to share it here. I wonder what you make of it?
January is always a time of trying to make sense of where we find ourselves in our world. This year and not for the first time, I am struggling to make any sense of this place where I find myself.
I won't be the only one who is feeling this way.
I'm feeling very much out of balance.
Yesterday I was really questioning whether I have any strength left, to continue on this path I seem to have arrived at. I had a yearning just to throw everything over and walk out of my life ... run away ... start over.
I felt overwhelmed.
No energy to leave, no energy to stay. Just a terrible despair.
These horses, the trees and their human friends remind me of the desperate need for me to wake up....
I remember being aware of the protests and Daniel Hooper aka Swampy, and was in sympathy with the protests, but have never seen this film before...and once again never joined the protests that inspired something within me. In 1996 I was a single mother of a 9 year old and sadly still trying to prove Margaret Thatcher and my second family wrong.
In 1983 at age 23, I had almost hitch-hiked to Greenham with a friend, who backed out at the last minute. We were all set to go when she told me she had changed her mind. I wonder where I would have been today if I had just arrived at Greenham anyway by myself?
What stopped me was the idea of hitch-hiking on my own, I had experienced that whilst travelling abroad during my 21st year. Hitching in the sunshine in a country where it was commonplace at that time, was a big adventure.....in the dark winter cold of the UK, standing on the side of a motorway slip road did not feel quite the same.
It was harder for girls to be rebels then, don't you think? Still is. Especially if complex factors such as moving from a working class to a middle class family are added into the mix....kind of diluting the girl's identity and self worth; and making her a people pleaser desperate not to be "common" and scared to live outloud.... as herself.
Questioning, overthinking and depression are not unusual for me, and I hope my regular readers will forgive me for another post that seems very negative and lacking in gratitude for the life that I know is actually very blessed indeed. I am very thankful that I have this space and can type my thoughts onto the page on a computer, that I had an education and the chance to go back and continue this long after I had left school.
I know that this kind of questioning is not unusual for we humans, as we move through the phases of our lives. Our growth and development comes in cycles and spirals of learning, and I really believe the Buddhist teaching that tells us that a lesson will keep repeating itself until we learn it.
I kind of know what it is I need to know. I just don't know how to learn these lessons - to move this learning from head to heart. Or do I?
The wild horses have something to teach me.....and though I know many will scoff at any guidance taken from astrology, I have been reading today about the first New Moon of 2016 which falls today.
I have been reading about keeping my balance like a mountain goat, trusting the ground beneath me and where to put my foot next.....about roots and foundations, (though at 52 you would think I would have these by now)....and about the powerful force of energy that I am feeling, that can be used for either destruction or evolution.
I no longer feel like running away (well not so much), and will continue climbing my mountain, putting one foot in front of the other and laying new and firmer foundations.
"....there are just some situations and people in this life who aren't meant to be maybes or lessons, rather they are the people and circumstances who we strive to give our all simply because they deserve nothing less."
Love this event each summer, and this year it's a chance to reconnect with my blog and to take stock of the days.
Starting this year with a cheat. This photo was not taken today, but illustrates how on many of my work days I continue my breakfast in the car with a skinny latte. A sort of extended breakfast that helps on those days when it feels difficult finding the motivation.
Day One - Breakfast
Not so many of these mornings, these days I'm glad to say but some days I'm sooooo tired. It's a long commute to my new workplace and some days it feels hard enough just getting myself out of bed.
So I don't buy a coffee every day but realise that with better planning I could save my pennies for something more worthwhile.
Old habits die hard however!
My life seems to be tied into a certain way of being linked to my relationship with the day job.
Even as my work changes, this certain way of being stays with me, however much I try to change things!
I find myself putting my all into my work leaving little time for self-care and "flying by the seat of my pants" into my next challenge....coffee in one hand and a laptop or notepad in the other. So many miles on the clock and still not arriving.
This time however I think maybe I might be as close as it gets to arriving. Maybe. Hopefully.
All depending on how well I can balance. Time to stop juggling and simply surviving.
Time to begin thriving. August 2015 is the time to get my balance on.
It's been very cold and frosty here this May, in fact we have had to have the heating on during the month, which is unusual for me. I'm looking forward to some warmer weather hopefully, during the summer months - all fingers and toes crossed.I've taken the advice given by my blogging friends and went off for a walk yesterday. I took this photo of how spring looks along the coast here. The sky was so white, that I decided to pink the photo up a little, otherwise it would have not stood out the same on the white blog blackground.
Pink is significant this May also as a few days ago I was celebrating with the Irish people, when they voted overwhelmingly in a referendum for the constitution to be changed to allow gay people the right to marry. This restored my faith in humanity a little, following the election of a Conservative Government here in the UK. I continue to be disapointed and fearful for the future of this country and wonder what might have been, given a different result.
"This is what you shall do: love the earth and sun, and animals, despise
riches, give alms to every one that asks, stand up for the stupid and
crazy, devote your income and labor to others, hate tyrants, argue not
concerning God, have patience and indulgence towards the people, take
off your hat to nothing known or unknown, or to any man or number of
men; go freely with the powerful uneducated persons, and with the young,
and mothers, of families: read these leaves in the open air every
season of every year of your life: re-examine all you have been told at
school or church, or in any books, and dismiss whatever insults your
soul."
Many
people can listen to their cat more intelligently than they can listen
to their own despised body. Because they attend to their pet in a
cherishing way, it returns their love. Their body, however, may have to
let out an earth-shattering scream in order to be heard at all.
~Marion
Woodman
Chick peas. Friday lunch involved chickpeas and feta cheese, both of which are favourites of mine. Just a quick and convenient salad picked up from the garage as I filled my tank up with petrol, and eaten at my desk whilst catching up with work. Second part of this scenario is not at all good I know; part of an old pattern of binge-ing on "being busy" which inevitably leads to overwhelm and fatigue. This weekend is about being good to myself, relaxation and exercise, planning and organising for the week ahead. Chick peas might figure again, maybe a bit of home cooking will be in order.
Out the (car) window:
Clouds come floating into my life, no longer to carry rain or usher storm, but to add color to my sunset sky.
Rabindranath Tagore
On the way home on Friday evening. It's around 6 o'clock and the weather can't decide quite what to do. The clouds paint a mixed picture for us - dark moody rain filled clouds and white fuffy meringues are gathering on the horizon. There is a blue sky overhead.
Good things:
People tend to dwell more on negative
things than on good things. So the mind then becomes obsessed with
negative things, with judgments, guilt and anxiety produced by thoughts
about the future and so on.
- Eckhart Tolle
Some weeks, the bad things seem to be conspiring to eclipse the good things, and it is hard to find the hope. However it is there and we usually don't have to look far to find it or them, we might need to have a little help to do this.
“Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human
freedoms—to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to
choose one’s own way.”
- Viktor E. Frankl
Lessons about forgiveness
The NHS
Being on hand to help
Opportunities for learning
Having choices
The privilege of witnessing love in all it's forms
Unreported World is one of the best documentaries on mainstream television, always bringing the hard stories that are not reported elsewhere. The people who are usually invisible and whom it is easy to forget about. Friday's espisode was about people with a disability who have fled Syria and are left without the services they need to help them have quality of life and in some cases to keep them alive.
"Unreported World visits Lebanon
to reveal the plight of some of the most vulnerable refugees fleeing the
war in Syria: disabled people, many of whom are children. Talking to the children, their families and the organisations trying
to help them, producer David Fuller and new reporter Giles Duley, a
photographer who lost his legs and an arm to a landmine in Afghanistan,
reveal how the refugees and the Lebanese government are struggling to
cope as the crisis worsens."
Lee writes about looking back to see how far she has come as an artist. That's good to do in life too when things seem tough and you are being hard on yourself.
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