It expresses something of how I was feeling and I really wanted to share it here. I wonder what you make of it?
January is always a time of trying to make sense of where we find ourselves in our world. This year and not for the first time, I am struggling to make any sense of this place where I find myself.
I won't be the only one who is feeling this way.
I'm feeling very much out of balance.
Yesterday I was really questioning whether I have any strength left, to continue on this path I seem to have arrived at. I had a yearning just to throw everything over and walk out of my life ... run away ... start over.
I felt overwhelmed.
No energy to leave, no energy to stay. Just a terrible despair.
These horses, the trees and their human friends remind me of the desperate need for me to wake up....
I remember being aware of the protests and Daniel Hooper aka Swampy, and was in sympathy with the protests, but have never seen this film before...and once again never joined the protests that inspired something within me. In 1996 I was a single mother of a 9 year old and sadly still trying to prove Margaret Thatcher and my second family wrong.
In 1983 at age 23, I had almost hitch-hiked to Greenham with a friend, who backed out at the last minute. We were all set to go when she told me she had changed her mind. I wonder where I would have been today if I had just arrived at Greenham anyway by myself?
What stopped me was the idea of hitch-hiking on my own, I had experienced that whilst travelling abroad during my 21st year. Hitching in the sunshine in a country where it was commonplace at that time, was a big adventure.....in the dark winter cold of the UK, standing on the side of a motorway slip road did not feel quite the same.
It was harder for girls to be rebels then, don't you think? Still is. Especially if complex factors such as moving from a working class to a middle class family are added into the mix....kind of diluting the girl's identity and self worth; and making her a people pleaser desperate not to be "common" and scared to live outloud.... as herself.
Questioning, overthinking and depression are not unusual for me, and I hope my regular readers will forgive me for another post that seems very negative and lacking in gratitude for the life that I know is actually very blessed indeed. I am very thankful that I have this space and can type my thoughts onto the page on a computer, that I had an education and the chance to go back and continue this long after I had left school.
I know that this kind of questioning is not unusual for we humans, as we move through the phases of our lives. Our growth and development comes in cycles and spirals of learning, and I really believe the Buddhist teaching that tells us that a lesson will keep repeating itself until we learn it.
I kind of know what it is I need to know. I just don't know how to learn these lessons - to move this learning from head to heart. Or do I?
The wild horses have something to teach me.....and though I know many will scoff at any guidance taken from astrology, I have been reading today about the first New Moon of 2016 which falls today.
I have been reading about keeping my balance like a mountain goat, trusting the ground beneath me and where to put my foot next.....about roots and foundations, (though at 52 you would think I would have these by now)....and about the powerful force of energy that I am feeling, that can be used for either destruction or evolution.
I no longer feel like running away (well not so much), and will continue climbing my mountain, putting one foot in front of the other and laying new and firmer foundations.
"....there are just some situations and people in this life who aren't meant to be maybes or lessons, rather they are the people and circumstances who we strive to give our all simply because they deserve nothing less."
Kate Rose
Oh, Jan. Where do I start? I connect and understand all of this post. In a world that is cutting down trees, literally and figuratively, I feel so... lost. It feels as if I don't even belong here, in this madness. The connection we are all supposed to have with one another is so fragmented that it doesn't seem to even be there.
ReplyDeleteBut it is. In a way, it is stronger than ever. We have to dig deep to get it but it is there. It also comes at a great price because when you put yourself out there to find it we get hurt time and time again. When we persevere we will find Connection. Blogging is a great example. So many blogs of this and that but there is a lot of people blogging seeking the same serenity that we are looking for. That serenity is not a destination but a process.
I will share with you one of my favourite poems.
Thanks
By W. S. Merwin
Listen
with the night falling we are saying thank you
we are stopping on the bridges to bow from the railings
we are running out of the glass rooms
with our mouths full of food to look at the sky
and say thank you
we are standing by the water thanking it
standing by the windows looking out
in our directions
back from a series of hospitals back from a mugging
after funerals we are saying thank you
after the news of the dead
whether or not we knew them we are saying thank you
over telephones we are saying thank you
in doorways and in the backs of cars and in elevators
remembering wars and the police at the door
and the beatings on stairs we are saying thank you
in the banks we are saying thank you
in the faces of the officials and the rich
and of all who will never change
we go on saying thank you thank you
with the animals dying around us
taking our feelings we are saying thank you
with the forests falling faster than the minutes
of our lives we are saying thank you
with the words going out like cells of a brain
with the cities growing over us
we are saying thank you faster and faster
with nobody listening we are saying thank you
thank you we are saying and waving
dark though it is
One of the things I've learned in the last year is that, when it comes to the crunch, you have to rely on yourself. Because no-one else is gonna sort things for you. I expended a great deal of energy last year propping people up, nursing people through every kind of problem, even as far as attempted suicide, then when I needed help there was nobody around. I had to do it for myself, and so do you.
ReplyDeleteI know that sounds harsh, but you have to stop beating yourself up for being depressed and get on with finding whatever it is that will make you better. And you might think you've tried everything but you haven't - I promise - and I know you're tired and I know you think you can't do it and I know it seems bleak and hopeless. But you still have you.