Keep Taking the Tablets

Or in my case, start taking the tablets.

I've been using Grey's Anatomy series five to stay ok this week(and for the past few weeks). I switch it on and dive in. It helps. Apart from the odd mind wandering and inability to focus, I manage to stay with the story line. Then when the episode is over I put on another one. I reached the end of the season on Thursday. I don't have any more. Withdrawal has kicked in.

It's the only thing that soothes me right now, apart from sunsets and rainbows(but I haven't got the energy to go out to see them). When I'm not at work, I'm either still working; worrying about work;  slumped on the sofa; trying to sleep; drinking tea at 3am; or aimlessly clicking on the Internet looking for an escape. I'm overwhelmed again. I'm not sleeping good. Last night was the worst. I hardly slept at all.

This morning and last night I thought "Just give me some tablets that will stop me being me. I just want it to stop. I want an easy way to continue existing."

 There are tablets I can take. I have some on the top of the fridge. I just don't take them. Then it gets so bad I just want to pop a pill that will stop me being me.

Me lately. Grouchy, difficult, shrill and emotional. Opinionated, on alert for a fight, hyperactive, workaholic, unpleasant, unfocused, dissatisfied, tired, disillusioned, searching. Lonely. Sad. Regretful. Whingey. Whiny.

Me how I used to be. Afraid, frozen, sad, lonely. Unable to speak. In pain. Quiet. Guilty. Searching. Unfocused. Opinionated. Workaholic. Tired. Hopeful. Whingey. Whiny.

Lately, hopeful seems to have disappeared.

Lately, I just can't stop my mouth from opening up and saying everything I am feeling. I am always trying to communicate in the world and it's not working so well. That's nothing new, it's never really worked that well; however these days I am offending more people. Like a toddler tantruming!

I just feel like the worst person today, because yesterday I probably upset my line manager (and she is a nice person who means well and knows her stuff and in addition she is ill).

"Seek first to understand, then to be understood." 

Stephen R Covey

This is difficult for me. I'm working it out still. I feel angry at the world and like a child am blaming everyone else. So I want some tablets to make me into someone else please. Someone that others understand. Someone that understands others. Isn't it time I got myself sorted? How old am I? How unpleasant am I? How often do I fall into old patterns of thinking and behaviour? Can I have some grow up and suck it up tablets please?

Grey's Anatomy, sunsets, rainbows and blogging. Oh and REST. Yes rest might help.

Maybe I just need to be still, calm and listen more? Maybe I just need to stop it with the focus on me, me, me. Maybe I need to get out more?

"Effective listeners remember that "words have no meaning - people have meaning." The assignment of meaning to a term is an internal process; meaning comes from inside us. And although our experiences, knowledge and attitudes differ, we often misinterpret each other’s messages while under the illusion that a common understanding has been achieved." 

Larry Barker

"An essential part of true listening is the discipline of bracketing, the temporary giving up or setting aside of one's own prejudices, frames of reference and desires so as to experience as far as possible the speaker's world from the inside, step in inside his or her shoes. This unification of speaker and listener is actually and extension and enlargement of ourselves, and new knowledge is always gained from this. Moreover, since true listening involves bracketing, a setting aside of the self, it also temporarily involves a total acceptance of the other. Sensing this acceptance, the speaker will fell less and less vulnerable and more and more inclined to open up the inner recesses of his or her mind to the listener. As this happens, speaker and listener begin to appreciate each other more and more, and the duet dance of love is begun again."

M Scott Peck MD

"Listening looks easy, but it's not simple. Every head is a world."

Cuban Proverb

Balance again. Blogging it out. Time to reflect away from the very busy and demanding working week. A lull in the anxiety about family. Acceptance of where I am and what is happening. 

Maybe the tablets will stay on the top of the fridge once again. Imperfect me is here to stay. She is working it out everyday and sometimes she gets it wrong. Sometimes she is overwhelmed. Like everyone. There is no tablet needed for being human. I don't need to numb. I am alive. This is how it is.

Here is the end of episode 13, one of two of my favourite episodes(episode 12 is my other favourite).I cried nearly all the way through both of them. I am crying at the news today. 

The music is "Drifting Further Away," by Powderfinger and the lyrics are a good end to this post. Let's not allow each other to drift away. Let's look after each other. I'm off now to ensure my wallowing does not add to the problems in the world. I am off to be shaken. Take care. I love you.