Where to start? - Ramblings. In-box and calendar wisdoms, beloved blogs, and music.

I am struggling to stay above water in these first few days of 2012.

Serious sorting out of myself, how I choose to spend my time and my habits is needed.

Knowing where to start is hard however.

Christmas and New Year are usually a rest and time for reflection, but I haven't had this luxury this time (or rather I have fallen back into old patterns of making everything harder than it needs to be!).

This first week of 2012, my year of living ALIVE, I have been pretty much falling back into the old routine; the "skin of my teeth" lifestyle; no spaces in between; juggling to balance the contradictions within; striving to do right without; failing; hardening; lack of care; lack of attention; mental and physical exhaustion; choosing not to choose because there is just to much to do and not enough energy with which to do it all.

So today and tomorrow I will make time to breathe. Time to notice and allow the spaces just to be.

Time also to think about what I want 2012 to look like...gently does it! Thank You Susannah Conway.

Maybe some sorting out of the number of blogs, articles, websites etc., I try (and fail) to read on a regular basis. Spreading myself thinly is not the way to live ALIVE.

In my in-box today were these precious words .......

"The "gap" is that moment in between - in between random thoughts, in between a hurtful word and a compassionate silence, in between a reaction and a thoughtful response, in between habit and choice.  Live in the "gap" as much as you can!  It's also the home of the Divine!"

Rev Petra

I have been noticing that my nervous energy has been allowing no gaps, no silences, no time to breathe, this last couple of months. Yesterday whilst visiting a client, I felt as if I was drowning, and started to panic about what to do to fix this person's problems. I felt I had no idea what to say or do. So I just sat in silence with her for quite a few moments. I allowed this space. She didn't need me to fill the silence, to take over, to bundle her along in a frenzy of panic, or of "doing". I tried to be present, to listen, to hear her, to see her...instead of simply seeing the problems and feeling pressure in my job role to fix it all. I slowed right down. I handed it gently back to her, using some tough but gentle questions to help her start to see a path forward. One step at a time. 

I 've been working in this particular role for only six months, and I can already feel myself almost at the point I reached in my last similar role after three or four years. Where I am at overwhelm. Maybe I need to stop working with people? Or maybe I just need to live more in the "gap".

I've been getting these reminders about "spaces" for a few days now. Socially and in the office, I've been noticing my tendencies to talk all of the time, babbling complete and utter drivel, just because I am nervous. Trying too hard. Yesterday the thought of facing anyone at all was almost too much to bear. I stayed out of the office as much as possible, and tried to get back in touch with the work itself.

I received this lovely desk calendar for Christmas from Mr S, and Thursday's entry promised me many valuable reminders this year.....

"Listening to the silence is probably one of the most profound experiences we can have in our everyday life. We women who do too much tend to rush through silences and may even feel uncomfortable when we have moments of silence. Listening to that silence can bring many surprises. This year we will explore our relationship with silence."

This morning I had some time to visit my favourite blogs and comment a little. I read about Jojo's doctor's orders. Simplifying and nourishing sound very good to me, and just what I need if I am going to live alive in 2012. I also need to get some proper sleep and routine. 

The scanning and gathering nature that is mine and which I worked on calming down in 2011, is still in need of some careful attention. Part of living alive is about slowing down and noticing details, my word for 2012 was very nearly "Savour". Kat writes so beautifully about this word  at "I saw you dancing". 

ALIVE involves some savouring; a very different kind of energy; some slowing down and simplifying; some silence; living in the gap and in the light; looking with gentle eyes; listening; spending time with my heart's desires; nourishment; much joy, peace and love. 

"I'll kiss you awake, and we'll have time
To know our neighbours all by name, and every star at night
We'll weave our days together like waves, and particles of light."

The Weepies - Simple Life