Worthiness Wednesday - Standing in the place where reality does not meet your expectations.

I was inspired in the later part of this week, by the wonderful Kat ..... to stand in this "place where reality does not meet your expectations". To stand and look with loving eyes; to start to gently unpick/dismantle, once again, all of those expectations of myself. To recognise my expectations of others and how they come about. To face up to all of my idealistic expectations of the world, and to gain some clarity about how disapointment, hurt and sadness show up as a hardening, and as a withdrawal, and as a loss of power .

All of that measuring and judging, all that anguish and struggle....time now.... just to let it go. Time to reassemble the pieces of my expectations, into something more tender; something more joyful. To recognise that I am strong enough to stand fully in reality and with clear eyes see what is there, what is beautiful and what is dark within it. To embrace it all, however unwelcome some of it may seem, and to unleash the dreams, the love, joy and the gratitude for this my unique experience, my unique being.....and yours.....and....for the world.....to dream and to show up for work(kat again).

I started a Stained Glass making class this week. Suffice to say my expectations of my work did not match the reality of me as a complete beginner.

Second sketch of my design....rather complex yes?

The tutor tried to get me to simplify the design.

I ended up with a design somewhere between the two. Then I started to try to cut the glass and met reality head on. Time to gently lay down my expectations and cultivate beginner's mind I think.

After reading Kat's Worthiness Wednesday post on Thursday, I got to thinking about the high expectations I seem to hold of myself, how they impact on my self-worth and on my connections with others. I thought about how this holds me back from my dreams for the world.

By Saturday I decided to use my unwanted stained glass designs, to start an art journal page that mapped the battles between reality and my expectations. On so many levels of life I have placed impossible expectations on myself. Time now, to lovingly dismantle them, as Kat says, with compassionate curiosity. Time to let them go.  To free myself from their prison. To unpick those painful stitches that have restricted for so long. To recognise the beauty, fullness and uniqueness of reality, to set free the possibilies, the dreams and the love.

Time to stop...reality... for now.

Making a background of my expectations.

Feeling a bit stuck but enjoying the pink sprinkles.

Tenderness.

Alongside my thoughts about reality and expectations this week, came a visit from this friend  ,who again  bought me a Laughing Buddha as a present. This time, she bought one she thought might stand in my garden, as she had heard me say I would like a Buddha for the garden.

Present from a friend - Oct 2011

 The expectations I had for a Buddha in my garden were more like this.....

British Museum - 2009

Reality hit me right in between the eyes again, as I faced up to how little I had been able to put into practice changes I had demanded of myself, since last time she visited. Faced with the stark reality of my crankiness and my inflexibility, I started to really not like myself very much.

Luckily she also brought some laughter. To laugh at myself and situations where I might ordinarily feel anger or irritation was a revelation. Recognising that I am starting to tighten and close up again, was a warning. Recognising that I do not want to go back to those places. Being honest enough to stop and exercise patience and love. I recieved many gifts this week.

I look at the Buddha she bought me, and recall moments where I have thrown up my arms in sheer joy. What a beautiful feeling!

So what is making me cranky?

Expectations.

Time to embrace the lessons my dear friend and her laughter and joy brings.

Time to choose.