Staying Awake: Resistance Training

Saturday, 18 February 2017

Resistance Training

Ok so I am needing to strengthen a few of my muscles lately. I just read this Guardian article which has really helped to remind me about the futility of anger with the current state of the world and politics, and about how much more effective you might be as a campaigner if you...."practise stepping away, instead of getting swept into a futile whirlpool of rage, which only serves the other side. It’s like strengthening a muscle. You might call it resistance training."

High tide. 16.2.17

The article talks about Social Media and that ranting in anger or clicking on other people's rants is seductive and can provide you with the illusion that you are actually doing something useful. I don't often rant on Social Media these days, only on rare occasions, but I do post and share articles and quotes that I tell myself serves in two ways. Firstly, I tell myself that this helps myself and others feel we are not alone in a social media world that can seem very alien sometimes; secondly I tell myself, it serves to raise awareness and gives people something to think about that they might not otherwise realise or ponder (this is particularly on Facebook). I do sometimes click in anger I do admit and I notice that maybe people don't react to my sharing of news etc., because maybe they muted my wall in order to see less of my opinions! Ha ha. I get it. I need to strengthen my muscle of silence.

Sky, moon, trees, bandstand. 7.2.17

"You alone are enough.
You have nothing to prove to anyone."

Maya Angelou

I do need to step away and think about how I can make a difference in my actions, rather than simply by sharing my views and beliefs so readily. I remember a lovely colleague who I regarded as a very wise and beautiful human being. At that time I thought she was so wise, and I so wanted to be like her. I admired her integrity and still do. She was, and still is, a vegan and also a passionate protester and protector of animals. I loved her compassion in action. I still do. However I remember once being with her at a work conference, I can't remember what caused the reaction in her, but I recall her acting with such anger and was so judgemental towards another human being with regard to his strongly expressing his beliefs and foisting them on others. I felt quite shocked at the time, because I recognised that what she had reacted so strongly to in him, was also how she often acted with regard to her own beliefs. It didn't change my love for her and my admiration of her integrity, but it did make me stop and question. It's that thing about the ego coming into play even with those who think they are the enlightened ones. It's about compassion too isn't it? But also about not making excuses for people or viewing them as victims. About boundaries and personal responsibility too. I need to strengthen my muscle of compassion.

Evening Churchyard looking West. 15.2.17

Anyway, I was talking with my therapist about how I sometimes am inappropriately intense and demanding in my social interactions with others. Maybe I use my opinions as a way of avoiding human intimacy and maybe I can also misunderstand the social rules of relationships quite often. So I have been strengthening my muscles in this area too this week, when having lunch with my sister. I tried to do more listening than I would usually do, active listening for the things that are important to her. I am stepping away again, or trying to do so, from holding any expectations of others. I am trying to do this in an active way, not with any feeling of resignation or helplessness; and not with any concept of myself as not worthy and with a humorous view of my own usual, what has been called, "over-sensitivity." It was quite pleasurable. I need to strengthen my muscle of curiosity.

Ribs. 16.2.17

Where are those places in nature, in the rain, where you feel your brittle heart crack and you still feel the most like you?

I found the above question and the related poem today. It reminds me of the importance of getting in touch with those moments, those places where and when I feel most like me; because I've not been feeling very much like me lately. Not grounded, not whole, not full. I need to fill myself up, and these are some of the places I have been doing just that during February. I need to strengthen my source muscle and breath the fresh air deep inside of me.