Day One:
....choose. Or was I? These past few weeks have been a little odd, the first was spent finishing off a few bits and pieces, worrying a little (a lot) about the future, whilst at the same time realising that I have a whole new chapter ahead that is full of possibilities.....if that is what I choose.
In the sunshine on that second week, I felt so excited....forgetting for an afternoon that I am over fifty, and that I feel so tired of all this....that the future still looks like an uphill slog for which I have not been training physically! The next day and the next week were greyer, and the reality kicked in....the fear of it being too late for this... and the resentment (about all sorts of things), clouded my view.
But I remember that I have a choice about how I approach the greyness of the everyday slog and how well I try to prepare mentally and physically for the very big challenges that lie ahead. Of course it all sometimes seems like a trade off.....if you have this in the next chapter then you cannot possibly have that.
I do have some practical choices to make. But first I have to suck it up for a while until things settle down. I have to stop being fearful about the sand slipping through the hour glass, and stop with the doubts that this is where I am supposed to be. I have to give myself and this a chance.
Plus maybe this is enough...
Day Two:
.....You are one year into your new job, new home and three years into your new relationship. You are beginning to lose confidence in yourself, your integrity and the choices you have made so far. Life is about to knock you and those closest to you sideways. This event, and your growing realisation about the impact of the choices you have made will dominate your life for the next ten years. At first you will be angry and this will help you keep yourself and your loved ones going, you will feel you can defeat this with your knowledge and sense of justice. Then you will become despondent and believe that the mistakes you have made mean that perhaps you deserve all that has come your way. You will lose much of your sense of joy in being alive and you will believe that you are less than worthy. You will go through the motions of living most days, and you will realise eventually that you are simply surviving. You will lose all sense of who you are, but you will keep trying to find yourself again.
One day you will begin to wake up and you will realise that you have gifts and light and joy, that you are not full of darkness. You will have to realise this several times before you really believe this and it will always take hard work to maintain this view.
One thing that will help you navigate this path with less pain and struggle, is the knowledge that you can choose and that you have the power to do so.
So sit in silence, focus on your breath; go out for a walk and take your camera; practice gratitude every day; journal and create.......then start to make some plans and aim for them. Oh and stop believing that you have nine lives, and start taking proper care of the one you do have.
And please if you can (and you can) ....forgive, forgive, forgive....stop punishing yourself and trust yourself and others again.
Start now.
Day Three:
......this is a difficult one....and I am trying to stay positive after the post above, but I am also mindful to stay truthful to myself.I have given birth to lots of Mayflies....perhaps some have lived on and been taken forward in other people's hearts. In fact I know some have....there has been hope and belief and inspiration where there was none before. I have birthed encouragement and self-belief and possibilities.
I have also given birth to a few Monsters......like many of us humans, I have made some mistakes that have caused damage to myself and others. I have birthed some monster catchers too, that live with me daily, sometimes needing to be reawakened if they fall asleep.
I find it hard to list my achievements - it feels as if some of what I have birthed has not been able to grow as I would have liked due to my indecisiveness and inability to settle. However, I have birthed a blog, two completed novel drafts, some poetry, lots of essays, some teaching plans and intervention plans, some assessments and reports, one lovely son, relationships with friends and family.....
.................there is lots here to be proud of if I remember that I am enough.
Day Four
.........when I was out walking for the day last May. Like many others I find it hard to relax completely...... most times either numbing out and calling it "relaxation"...or collapsing with complete exhaustion and unable to move or think for days. Neither of which are great.
If I'm out walking for the day, which does not happen often enough; especially if with someone I love spending time with, once into the walk I have no choice but to surrender. It is too far to turn back and the end is also too far away, I give up all thoughts of anything waiting for me back in the real world and just enjoy the moment.
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| May 2014 |
.....stories. Other people's stories are endlessly fascinating to me, as are other people. I find it inspiring to consider lives other than my own. Of course I am always inspired by stories of courage, challenges and transformation....stories of people who have to find the strength to continue on, or to stand up and make a difference in the world. Inspiration also comes from stories of ordinary people's lives, those who would not go down in history necessarily as having done anything extraordinary..... but who live ordinary lives and the ripples they create are extraordinary.
I am also inspired by stories of those people who make mistakes or who do bad things. I want to understand the human condition and how people get to a particular point or action.
There is a quote about small minds which I really dislike.....
"Great minds discuss ideas; average minds discuss events; small minds discuss people."
Eleanor Roosevelt
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