Cycles, Mountains and Bridges

Sunset in the park - late September 2013

"Sixty-nine times have these eyes beheld the 

changing scenes of Autumn.

I have said enough about moonlight,

Ask me no more.

Only listen to the voices of pines and ceders,

when no wind stirs."

- Ryo-nen (her last composition)

 Hello. It's October already! I've been on the telephone this morning with someone who had dropped off my radar during this "year of busy".

While I was talking with her I was shocked to realise that it was way back in March that a close family member had died, and at the same time another close family member had injured herself in a fall. It seems like only a month or two ago, whereas in reality it is six! The months have flown by.

This weekend is the first time for months, that I have spent any significant time alone.

It was also March when my course finished, and so April and May brought some serious challenges on the financial front whilst I looked for, and found work. Then there was the funeral, and old family hurts that I allowed to resurface and that needed to be put into some perspective.

That old familiar feeling of not belonging to either of my families resurfaced as I watched my "sister" helping with the funeral. I sat at the edges afraid to presume and afraid to ask. Tension exists between my wanting to be part of it all, and my wanting to stay at a distance. That all spilled over recently on a family holiday. Sometimes it hurts too much to be so close!

Montallegro (Italy) - Late September 2011

 "Sometimes you wonder how you got on this mountain. But sometimes you wonder, 'How will I get off?" 

- Joan Manley

Then there was the pressure I was putting myself under to climb mountains! Lots of mountains in all sorts of different shapes and sizes. Pressure to meet my own, too high, expectations and to put all things right for all people. Pressure to fill up the empty space inside. Pressure that I am not where I "should be". Pressure of not having or being enough.

Old, old patterns repeating themselves. As always there have been choices to make, though some don't feel like choices. That's another old pattern of mine. If I'm busy climbing mountains, and helping everyone else, that keeps me at a distance.

"We build too many walls and not enough bridges."

- Issac Newton

The Bridge at Ludlow - February 2013

Here I am today, thinking about building bridges.....again.

I seem to be able to build bridges for others. I build the bridge and then step back. I turn around and walk away. I enjoy watching the joy as people cross and meet up. Then I build myself another little wall to hide behind.

None of these bridges have been my responsibility to maintain. I can't climb mountains if there are bridges to maintain, now can I? I help others think about maintainence, and give advice and encouragement from a distance.

It's time for me to do some work on my own bridges once again. I've burned too many bridges or left them to become ruins. I wonder if I know how to actually build and maintain bridges, or whether I just know this in theory. I'm out of practice.

If no-one else maintains the bridge, then that doesn't mean I don't need to do the work now does it?

My friend understood that this has been a really busy time, but she missed me and is glad I am back in touch. I'm glad too.

I'm glad for this quiet weekend. All this bridge building and mountain climbing, has been exhausting! I'm glad to have time to reflect and to recognise these cycles of mine.