October 2010 - Waking up beside the Great Wall Day One

I was unable to blog during the trip - I lacked the technology to connect. Although there are blocks on many internet sites in China, more tech savy visitors can get round this I believe. One or two others in the group had internet access via phone or had brought their laptops with them. On reflection I am quite glad to have been cut off from everything for 10 days. On my second night in China, as I lay awake from 3am, I think that it really began to hit me that much of what I take for granted in my life back at home, was stripped away from me here. The accomodation was basic by our standards, however as I lay there wide awake, I was welcoming this opportunity to take myself right back to the essence of me.
It was not an easy process but looking back on the five days we spent treking and sleeping in different lodges and hotels, I feel so privileged to have had this amazing experience. This process of being stripped away was just beginning to really have an impact on me, when it was time to come home. I could easily have stayed and walked some more, at least another week.
I was so lucky to have been part of this particular group of trekers, as on day four and five I had dipped down into a "not very friendly towards me" place. One of the biggest challenges for me was the closeness to a group of strangers for a week, and facing up to myself. This did not feel safe to me at all and I got myself into a very black hole around day four. So that fact that the people around me were just so generous was such a safety net.
Now I am back home and also in the last day or two of the trip, I really noticed what a great group of people I had been fortunate to have been on this challenge with. The good thing about going alone but with a group of strangers, is that one minute, I could be by myself on the wall, looking out at the fabulous views and soaking this right up into the core of me; the next I could be laughing(or crying) hysterically with some fabulous and courageous people, who were generous enough of spirit to accept me as I am.
The first view we had of The Wall, was from the coach window as we approached our first Lodge on Day 1 of our trek. The journey from Beijing took about three hours and the weather was going to be glorious, which after the smog on the day we had arrived, was a great relief. The weather stayed like this for the whole of our trip, warm with blue skies and pleasant breezes. This was fantastic both for the level of physical challenge that we faced, I imagine cold winds or rain would have pushed us all to the limit; and also for the views and the opportunity to take some pretty cool photographs(although I say it myself).

The Great Wall at Huangyaguan towers above our Lodge and we can look up from the valley below to see it snaking across the hills on each side. This section of the wall has been restored starting in the 1980's and up to date 3025 m of the wall body, 25 terraces, 1 fortress, 1 gateway tower and 1 castle have been so far restored. Originally built between 1403 ans 1424 in the reign of Ming Emporer Yongle, the wall here, according to my little book, was built on precipices and over the river to be a strategic place.
We start walking from Taipingzhai and return back along the wall, to Huangyaguan, as a gentle introduction to our trek. The steps are very steep at the last point and I climb in rhythm with another trekker Chris, stopping every three or four steps to catch our breath. I talk about my Mum a little. I reflect on her life and on how many opportunities women like her did not have, and on how many women like me do have. These past forty years she has not been with me and I have done what I can, sometimes though I have let fear win and lost out on so many wonderful friendships and experiences because I have not believed in myself. There is no excuse anymore for me to let fear stop me from living every moment of my life to the full. I feel angry for her life being ended so young and for the years she has not had with us and with her grandchildren. She would have been a lovely Grandma I know, being a Mum was her life. Her life was filled with this role. I wonder who else she was? I wonder if she would have understood me and this journey I was taking. Would she have liked to travel? What were her interests? I dream that she is musical sometimes due to the piano we had in the house when I was a child. Nobody can answer these questions for me. Forty years was her lifetime and forty years we have been without her. Maybe that is why the Great Wall seems the right place to mark her life and the huge chasm left by her death in our lives.
There are so many people here today with me, walking in memory of their own lost loved ones, some not long gone from life. There are many quiet moments to remember them and honour them in our living every moment of these precious and amazing days.

We walk along the restored wall and think about the people who died building it. It may seem as if I am unhappy walking along the Great Wall as there is so much death and grief around us; not so. I feel that these lost ones are walking with us in life, as we find such joy and awe in this incredible man-made structure that sits so well within the mountains here. It is a symbol of life and of history, powerful and moving across time. Feet have come and gone upon it, and they will continue. Here in this moment I stop to capture a photograph of now, ahead I can see where we are going next but only so far as the next hill; behind I can see where we just walked minutes ago, that steep climb, those steps, that tower in which we rested.