So annoyed with myself (rant warning).

It's not often I come here to moan and rant these days, but I really need the keyboard and white page on which to tap out this annoyance, so it is not in my body anymore.

For three days now I have been in post interview mode and each hour it gets worse as I realise what an opportunity I have thrown away through my own stupidity. I had two interviews this week. One was for my own job which I got. The other was for something I was at first unsure I wanted, but that now I know I do want quite passionately. I am waiting to hear about this and it will be a couple of weeks before I do hear. However I am fully aware that I will not be successful this time. I am also mindful that there most likely won't be another opportunity like this for me now.

I am so annoyed with myself that all of the experience and knowledge I have of the subject seemed to leave me; worse still that I once again did not listen to my instincts which were telling me what to do throughout the most challenging parts of the assessment.

What I wrote and what I said and did, no way showed the depth and breadth of my knowledge and experience.

I ignored my gut feelings and allowed myself to be more concerned with being seen to do the right thing.

Strange as on the day I felt pretty confident. I just kept on thinking that I must be missing something as the whole thing did not seem to affect me at all as it usually would. I knew that I had messed up on one particular part and had not excelled on another part. All I can think now looking back was that  the fear; habitual low confidence in myself; and lack of trust in my own good judgement, just numbed me.

I numbed out.

I allowed my courage to be quashed once again.

I didn't stick my neck out and fell back into the old fear mode.

What if I take the lead and then it all collapses around me?

What if there is no substance behind my facade and I end up looking foolish?

What if I write these recommendations and it is the wrong decision? It's black or white. Right or wrong. Good or bad.

Of course it wasn't at all like this.

I felt uncertain and lacked structure. The uncertainty was ok. They wanted to see some analysis and judgement. I gave them none.

Whereas now I feel comfortable within the uncertainty and know that the structure that evaded me on the day was only just below the surface waiting for me to take a deep breath and let it guide me.

What rubbish I wrote. What an ineffectual, fearful person I looked.

I was so so close to something that could allow me to reach my potential at last.

On the day I felt unmoved.

Today I feel passion.

I want to use all of my experience and really sharpen my focus. It's not going to be possible and this opportunity has been missed. I need to move onto accepting that this has happened and that I had a brilliant chance which quite frankly I let slip out of my hands.

Someone once told me I lacked commitment. That was twenty years ago. At the time I couldn't believe what they were saying. Today I agree totally. I hedge my bets. Always the survivor. Ducking and diving. Using my energies to juggle.

I've had enough of surviving. I want to shape what's left of my future. I need to use the gifts I have been given. I want to use the experience and learning I have been lucky enough to gain in abundance.

It's really not rocket science.

All that happened on that day was fear and overcomplication of what is in fact quite simple.

A big wet tear falls onto the keyboard.

Under the blanket awaits.

Perhaps when I have grieved and let anger turn into sorrow, I can accept. Then I will be able to take what I have learnt and move forward.