Missing You - more ramblings.

It's been a week since I came to visit this place. This is not a complaining post, just a quick hello and a sigh. More wistful as I reflect on whether to write that I've nothing to say, no photograph to post, no time to spend here....or...to write that I have so much to say; but that my thoughts need more time to take shape on the page as a post; and that fear might just be holding me back.

I am missing my computer, as it has left the place where it has always sat since we moved here and taken up residence in the land of spareoom. At present it is not functioning, and I am using Mr Stayingawake's laptop with it's tiny keys and temperamental cursor.

I am missing commenting on, and reading other blogs. Since last Tuesday, when I again grabbed at something, anything to post; I have been in overwhelm. Like the computer, my brain does not seem to want to function properly except for anything but work. I have been driving about without really noticing my journey and have had several near misses. I've also been panicking about Christmas coming(although I have recognised this and put a very big full stop to it, thankfully). Why put myself under unnecessary pressure to try to make everything perfect, when it already is perfect in it's crazy and haphazard way. That is the beauty of me and it's time to recognise that however I do it, the outcome will be the same except for one major detail. That is, that I and everyone else that I love, will all be in one piece, warm, and smiling, and full of love, IF I CAN JUST RELAX AND GO PEACEFULLY AND MOST JOYFULLY ABOUT MY BUSINESS!

How is it that I can type these words this week, when last......well all I can say that I was a mass of hormones and feeling older than I need feel. Full of irrational fears about.....well let's just leave it there shall we.

I dreamed a dream within a dream late last week. A tiger was loose in the town and coming out of the very famous landmark we have here. Next thing it was leaping, as if to attack me. I looked up and saw it above me, arching across the blue sky and started to dodge so it would not land on me. As I looked up at the tiger and saw her moving above me, across the beautiful sky, I realised that her leap was too wide and she had been leaping across me not attacking me. She then went off down between two houses and I wondered if people would be in danger and whether I should telephone to warn the emergency services. Next thing I was driving a big red bus, through several red lights. I stopped eventually after one traffic light rush and broke down, berating myself for not noticing the red light and making mistakes. Next I'm telling a work colleague about my dream about a tiger and a red bus.

Creative Everyday has been cheated upon....yesterday's offering was a few photographs, and today this rambling blog post will have to do. Tomorrow I've my stained glass class. At the weekend I did make my first ever Christmas Card which was really enjoyable. I spoke to a friend yesterday who is doing a creative writing course. She doesn't work and I must admit I am envious of the time she has to devote to practising and enjoying her writing.

One thing I am aware of right now, as well as my tendency towards overwhelm, and how tired I have been for the past two weeks; is that I need not worry or envy those who have what I do not have. I can be glad for them and joyful for them. Peace and joy are here for me in what I already have and it what has already happened. What is gone is gone. What I haven't done is just that. Fear can be managed and put in it's place. Regret does not serve me. More days stretch ahead full of possibilities. The trick is just to let go. To balance again, and then just to let go.

I found this wonderful poem yesterday here, I hope that the poet doesn't mind me reproducing it here for you all to share.

Never Mind

by Denver Butson

that guests no longer come unannounced
or that the photo album contains pictures
of much younger people than we remember being

never mind that swallows etch Sanskrit
on the wrinkled sky

it's November
and the present is emptying its wine
into our glasses

never mind that we're not touching now

because our shadows are holding hands
in the dark behind our backs