Thoughts of death. Thoughts of life.

VII Sonnet: Our Dead

They have not gone from us. O no! They are

The inmost essence of each thing that is

Perfect for us; they flame in every star;

The trees are emerald with their presences.

They are not gone from us: they do not roam

The flow and turmoil of the lower deep,

But now have made the whole wide world their home,

And in it's loveliness themselves they steep.

They fail not ever; theirs is the diurn

Splendour of sunny hill und forest grave;

In every rainbow's glittering drop they burn;

They dazzle in the massed clouds architrave;

They chant on every wind, and they return

In the long roll of any deep blue wave.

Robert Nichols 1893 - 1944

The Aftermath

I read this poem at my Dad's funeral. It seems such a long time ago now, and just lately I have wished he was close by so I could go and visit for a while. My sister said that my words and the poem made everything seem alright. It was a distressing time for us all, the family had been so close to death and illness for so many years and there were some dark shadows in our memories. The loss of our only parent, now threatened the peace of each one of us children who were left behind. We felt it all again. Somehow I was able to stand up and speak at his funeral. I wanted them all to understand him, and to have compassion for him. I wanted them to know that though we had lived with loss and hurt for so long, it was all ok and our parents were still here in our children and ourselves, in the universe around us. Though I truly believed the words of the poem and wanted to find and give comfort, I still wanted my Dad back and was still angry with the world he and my mother had experienced. The world my sisters had experienced. The life that we, each one, had experienced. The questions that were always unanswered.

Like many people, death and I have had too long a relationship. Thankfully, this relationship has become more peaceful these days.

It's strange to look back and realise that, for a while I feared death and longed for it at the same time. A funny sort of tension.

A kind of surrender to the fact of death, coupled with a strong fear of living, that gradually crept up on me when I wasn't looking. All this slowly contributed to draining the passion from me and leaving me sleepwalking through life.

Somehow, and I'm not quite sure it matters how, life seems to have grabbed me once again, and has shaken me awake. I nolonger really fear death, nor thankfully, do I long for it either.

I want it to stay away as long as is possible, as life feels good, and full of energy and passion these days. I accept that death and loss are part of life, but this is a more peaceful acceptance, not a giving up or a despair.

I am at last learning to live, mindfully, to be joyful and celebrate life. To live with strength alongside the bad things in life, with the shadows and the tragedies in my own and in other people's lives. Those of family, friends and "strangers". With the horrors we see unfolding on the news. I grieve. I accept. Feeling helpless still comes of course, but the despair is less consuming. It no longer diminishes me. I take part(almost)fully these days. I laugh and I cry and I am learning to take action, mindfully. I nolonger feel powerless. Or not for long. I have a part to play in the world, in the continuing turning and changing universe with it's light and it's shadows.

This energy and power is most vivid when I am out in nature. I am filled up again when I am feeling depleted and just seeing the beauty and miracle all around is a constant source of joy. I am so privileged to have come to this realisation and to have the time and the space to fill myself up like this.

My thoughts today, are with those not so privileged, with the children forced to take part in war and who see terrible sights and suffer loss that is unimaginable to most of us. Also for those who have lost others suddenly and violently, and who are struggling to make sense of it all and to continue on their way.