Seven days

I feel as if I've learned such a lot this week. Yesterday I might have put it into words, but I've slept since then. Maybe if I start typing it will jog my memory. It feels as if this week has been a long one. It was my first full working week since I turned fifty. so that it seemed long is not surprising.

Yawn. Yes I know I keep mentioning that I am fifty. Apologies. It's just that I need to keep processing it, and resolving again and again, to move forward; to cast off some of the bad habits that have stayed with me all these years. They are familiar to me and hard to shake off, however if I want to make the most of the next decade(or simply every moment), which I do; they have to be taken in hand. Easy to write(as those of you who have been reading my blog for a while will know), so hard to actually do!

In this long week, I feel as if I grew a great deal. There were some tough lessons at work. There were some beautiful moments full of joy. So what did I learn this week?

My new birthday bracelet -  now my everyday bracelet - 22nd February

This week I learned just how much I appreciate how amazing it feels to bound about full of energy, and love, and confidence, and faith. At work and home. I learned to recognise the difference between this feeling and the other one, that creeps up so easily it seems  and squashes my spirit. I learned how much I want this good energy, this faith in myself and the world; and what I have to do to keep it close.

What's left of the birthday flowers - 23rd February

 I learned that sometimes you have to let someone die and to stop trying to save them.

Art journalling at the weekend - helping me start to thaw out. 24th February

I learned to breathe in hope and breathe out fear. I learned to look at life with love.

My lovely new coasters - 25th February

I learned that planning DIY projects can actually fill me with excitement and joy; instead of fear and hesitation. That maybe I do have a designer's eye. To trust my instincts even when others say that duck egg blue on the walls will not work with that red carpet. I learned that I do not have to feel guilty about spending money on nice things and celebrations. That colour is important to me and I can celebrate it.

Dusty Keyboard - 26th February

I learned that my keyboard is dusty. That I want to practise more. That I am putting on weight instead of losing it. That I miss walking. That I am saggy. That I already know that yoga will help. That time will still pass by even if I try to save it up by not "spending" it. That I have time for it all(ok possibly not all). That I need to say yes more.That I do not need to be afraid of being a beginner forever. That is who I am.

Sunset through my dirty car window - 27th February

I am learning that in my work, I am only responsible for doing my best; ensuring I am up to date; as knowledgeable as possible; that I keep my word and do not make promises; that I develop my skills in working with people; and that I am not responsible for a person's actions or choices - they are (but I can still feel compassion and sorrow rather than joining in with the judging and blame game). I am learning to balance compassion and accountability. I am learning that everyday I am doing what I can to the best of my ability and within a difficult system; that sometimes I make mistakes; that sometimes I feel helpless; that sometimes I feel inadequate; that sometimes I wrongly attribute blame, especially when I am angry with the system; that I need to reframe a few stories; that the world and people are still beautiful despite the horror and sorrow and poor choices and poverty of heart and means. I learned that my colleagues are all human and feeling the same. I looked into their eyes this week and saw that they are weary and sad. I listened to some of their words, and talked about death. I felt a connection. I didn't feel alone anymore. I learned what to do when I feel alone again.

28th February

I learned that I am so happy and comfortable in my skin this week. I am so happy to be alive. I learned that wherever I look I see beauty and I can smile. Even in the darkest of places, there are a pair of twinkly eyes and a joke; or a photograph of grandchildren, or dearly loved parent on the wall. I learned that in the middle of all of my joy, a sharp intake of breath reminds me that it can all be taken away in a matter of seconds; so close is the grief of living. I hear a cough through the wall and worry that it is lasting too long. It reminds me of how close it is. In joy we feel the grief. Reminding us to live, to laugh, to love each other. I learned not to let fear cast too long a shadow.