Heart wandering.

" The path is not somewhere in the sky, it is in the heart."

- The Buddha

Evening sky - 19.3.18

Seeing the beauty of the sky, and of nature, it is hard to believe that the path is not in the sky. After a hard day at work I stopped to take these photographs of the evening sky on the way home. This seems to be becoming a weekly event doesn't it? Seeing this beauty helps me get in touch with my heart, and lifts me up away from the human world that can often be so ugly.

It was Monday night and the start of the week. Since Monday the week has become busier and busier at work, so not much opportunity to wander or to just look up at the sky since then. Maybe the sky just hasn't looked so spectacular on the other evenings, or I just hadn't been driving home at just the right time to catch this glorious sight. I really need these moments to make a space in my mind, and to help me breathe deeply.

Pink and Orange - 19.3.18

I try to remember to look up at the sky during the day and it is easier when the sky is blue. It reminds me of the beauty of life and fills me up when my energy is depleted. Taking a breath between visits to people in crisis, angry or in emotional pain is something I need to practise more. My heart needs it. The way of the heart that the Buddha speaks about is not just about "love", but about "heartbreak", about compassion and human suffering.Taking a breath helps me feel the emotions and consider the stories I am told. Sometimes, like yesterday, witnessing the sheer pain that someone is experiencing, reminds me that I am human and not a robot who is "part of a system".

It is a privilege for me, to be allowed into the homes and the lives of others, and to be able to hear their stories and try to help. But I am more often than not, the enemy to them as they try to continue meeting their own needs, because what I have to say can often challenge this. I find it hard but am becoming tougher. I was brought up to be too polite I think.

To show compassion and respect, balancing boundaries, dealing with conflicts, while often being verbally abused and disliked - it is draining. Also seeing other human beings at their lowest, in crisis and distress. A lot of the time I don't allow myself to feel the emotions fully, it would be too overwhelming. So when I do, like yesterday, I want to break out of my role and just help(rescue); or I feel helpless. It can be hard to stay focused on what my role requires of me sometimes and I get discouraged and feel that I cannot do this job well enough. 

It's true that I am tired, I have had my own issues going on for so long, and am only just coming through the other side. I look around me at the people I meet everyday, and wonder how on earth they are still alive with all they have had to face in their lives. Some are only young children themselves, or "broken" adults now trying to be parents themselves. 

The vastness and spaciousness of the sky helps to remind me about the way of the heart, to feel the connection to other human beings and to make sense at some level of all the suffering, ugliness and pain. It helps me to stay hopeful and compassionate. My heart is broken and my heart is open.