Life has been wonderful......Week 4 of January.

The good life is a process, not a state of being. It is a direction not a destination. Carl Rogers
Read more at: https://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/carl_rogers_158737?src=t_destination

Gentle January Day 23 - I surrender.

The good life is a process, not a state of being. It is a direction not a destination. Carl Rogers
Read more at: https://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/carl_rogers_158737?src=t_destination

Following on from my post last week, where I began with a quote from Caroline Myss on the prospect of looking back on life with regret; this week has been one of ever moving closer to making peace with myself.

It's time. Well overdue in fact.

Time to stop fretting and struggling.

"So you should view this fleeting world - 

A star at dawn,  

a bubble in a stream,

 A flash of lightening in a summer cloud, 

A flickering lamp, a phantom, and a dream." 

- Diamond Sutra

I notice that somewhere in the past twelve months, this change has been slowly transforming me. It has enabled me to entertain the idea that I could come back to blogging.

I notice that I am more in the moment in my everyday life, at work especially; that I resist less; that I care less about other's opinions of me; that I try to live more of myself; that I feel less lost; that I feel closer to hearing and speaking my own voice.

It sounds like I have arrived at my destination doesn't it?

Gentle January Day 27 - I changed.

Let me just say that I'm not there yet ....at my destination. Or am I? Isn't it all about the journey not the destination? This change and my progress, is always fragile; and I'm afraid, yes......but I feel more at peace and I'm ready to feel more joy and gratitude than I have allowed myelf to feel up to now.

 "It seems to me that the good life is not any fixed state.  It is not, in my estimation, a state of virtue, or contentment, or nirvana, or happiness.  It is not a condition in which the individual is adjusted, fulfilled, or actualized….The good life is a process, not a state of being…It is a direction, not a destination.  The direction…is that which is selected by the total organism, when there is psychological freedom to move in any direction." 

-  Carl Rogers.

I've been (at a subconscious level), working on reframing the story of my childhood. That sense of loss following the death of my Mother, the grief that stayed with me despite my protests to the contrary, had been overwhelming.

The impact also of losing my whole family, school, home, friends, and my Father for a period following my Mother's death, and having to change my behaviour to fit with a new family; reallly left me feeling uncertain, confused and "wrong" in so many ways.

It has taken me all these years to find myself again, in the process understanding and grieving for those losses, and for that small girl trying to be brave and trying to fight. She wasn't angry enough and depression swamped her most of the time. She tried to please people and to be accepted.

1973 Aged 9 or 10

When I really looked at the timeline of my life in childhood, there was already so much damage there before the age of seven when I lost my Mother. This also needed processing.

Then after that, when living with my new family, I experienced an alcoholic carer, adult arguments and then the divorce of my foster parents. People tried to make me fit in their world. I became misshapen but I did not know this. I lost some of my pieces. Some of me was squashed. I was also introduced to a new way of living. My old way felt wrong and I turned my back on it.

By the age of eighteen I set out into the world feeling as if I could conquer anything and feeling very wise.

Sadly I did not know what it felt like to be whole and quickly adult life became overwhelming. I made some bad choices. Then the descent into depression and isolation through shame and self-blame.

Since I started this blog, I have been recovering from those bad choices, and working on self-forgiveness and acceptance. Gratitude was one of my first steps.

For a long time I could only see the shadow that I cast and how it blocked out all of the light.

Gentle January Day 21 -  I could.....

It has been a long road and hard work, every day I struggle with the consequences of living in a prison that I made for myself and others. I could only see the lack, the "not-enoughness" that I was. I felt I had nothing to bring to the table. Whatever did well it was never good enough for me. My mistakes and bad choices could never be forgiven. I was afraid of death and at the same time felt I would live forever.

I know that spiralling is part of the journey and that we all need to revisit our blocks and chains and patterns many times in a lifetime if we're lucky enough, and in a place of privelage that allows us to do so.

Now I am ready to take my story out and examine it again for the joy, the happiness and the beauty. To be able to recognise my gifts, and to "look for the light" in myself, and the gifts; also to truly appeciate these in others and in life itself. This is the next stage on my journey. My life has been wonderful but I have chosen not to see the wonder at times.

Gentle January - Day 21 - I smiled.

I'm truly grateful to be alive right now. 

I heard this song for the first time on The Voice when one of the contestants sung it, I love his version and his voice. There is so much beauty and light in the world.