New Year, New life.....trusting myself.....and saying "yes" to life.

Good afternoon. Welcome to 2019. I'm hoping all of you in blogland are safe and well.

I'm wanting to write here today. So here I am.

It's well into January 2019 and here I am, still sitting at the threshold of another New Year, with all the urges for reflection, savouring and planning that is always present for me. What a year and a life I am looking forward to curating this time. It is almost too scary and exciting to make the leap!

So here I am feeling free and joyful and hopeful.

Ok last week wasn't quite so, but I am feeling better this week, and the year stretches before me like a blank page.

Well, not quite so, but anyway....the scribbles on my page so far are being evaluated and reviewed on a regular basis to check if they are good for my wellness, and in tune with my higher being.

It's tough being a human don't you think? In whatever form we arrive at adulthood we are continually striving to manage our fears, our basic needs, our sorrows and insecurities; to live a good life and do our very best for our fellow humans. For those of us who think too deeply it is often more emotionally and mentally draining. Sometimes we plan and think and reflect and intend, but another year comes around and we are still in the same place.....not enough intentional action has taken place and we give ourselves a hard time.

For those of us who make it this far in our lives, we also feel ourselves racing faster and faster towards the end of our time in this world. The desperate need to live a good and happy life is at the forefront of our minds as we navigate day to day survival. The awareness of our mortality is snapping at our heels, closer and closer. Mid-life brings this more and more into our awareness, and we either fear it or embrace it. It is a constant struggle to be human.

I'm finding that since my life completely changed last July and August, I am learning to live more in the present, with more freedom and capacity let go and to flow. I'm holding on less tightly. I'm not there yet and may never be able to let go completely, but since New Year I am really looking carefully at "what next?" Some things really do need to change if I am going to be able to live the rest of my life with joy, love and passion. I'm so lucky to have some choices. Many humans just don't have these. I am also aware that my choices and life of freedom in the first world, in many ways, can just be taken away from me in the blink of an eye.

In my day job people keep telling me "you write so well." My day job exhausts me. When writing for my day job it is like I'm bleeding over the report that I am writing. I am a nightmare to be around when a deadline is approaching, and I am in mental and emotional agony to "get it right", the way I want it to be before sending it out into the world of my work. My brain feels overloaded and fuzzy, I can't think clearly about what I am writing. The very act of writing seems to help me think about the situation I am writing about and about the decisions that are to be made about the humans I am writing about. I reflect as i write and think carefully.

I hear myself saying, "I hate writing reports." When I finish and present it to someone and they compliment me on how balanced it is or how well written, I feel amazing and realise how much I do enjoy this process. I suppose the agony and pain during the process is because of the number of other tasks I still have to complete whilst also writing a report. My brain does not like to multi-task so much like this, I find it too difficult and really take a pride in my writing so feel my work is shoddy and I don't trust my own capability. Trust has always been a bit of a sticking point for me. I have struggled to trust myself and therefore also others. I know I can be highly critical of myself and have perfectionist tendencies.When writing a blog post it is rare that I just write without editing really carefully, or quoting others....like i don't really trust my own voice.

Today I am not re-reading and editing and being careful not to write this...or that...or showing photos that give people a bit of a window into my life and to who I am. I've come to this page and just let the words flow out of me onto the page. I'm trusting that this is ok, this is where I am at today and who I am, it is authentically me.

Today I'm at home not at work, I have time to think and plan and reflect on what I might want for this year. I still don't know what I want, but I know I cannot go back to how things were before. That door is firmly shut. I'm still here in the same chair, in the same house, in the same busy life of work. Time to think about new experiences and jumping in, saying yes to life and seeing where it takes me.

Am I drifting again? Am I in need of a destination? Ok then my destination is to live the rest of my life as my own best friend, to love and nurture myself and to trust myself. Saying yes and having some fun is the plan for now, finding more balance in my life is also a very important short and long term goal. I would like to think I will be posting more here again. Blogland is always a place that I enjoy visiting to read other blogs and to find my own voice. It has really helped to write here during the past years and I am grateful to all those people who visit.

Thank you for taking the time to read and connect.