The underneath story.

Click to visit Good Reads page for this book.

I'm reading this book at the moment which is by one of my favourite authors Jeanette Winterson. It is taking me on a journey about stories and storytelling, light and dark, the fragility of human hearts, and love. It is a book I will want to read again, so beautifully is it written. For me it feels less like a novel and more like poetry or music. I am almost at the end of it now and I already feel lonely for that place that reading it takes me to.

Do you ever feel that way about a book? That you almost never want to finish reading it? I'd love to know more about your favourites.

Last Sunday was Mother's Day here in the UK and this year I have managed to reach a point at long last when I can appreciate the gifts hidden within my story instead of the lack. There is the love that was and that is. I never felt it. It was never enough to fill the void. Here I am today, still learning that I am worthy of love and just about able to love who I am; and to understand who I am, in this moment.

Mother's Day March 4th 2018

  “Today, the sun is everywhere, and everything solid is nothing but its own shadow, I know that the real things in life, the things I remember, the things I turn over in my hands, are not houses, bank accounts, prizes or promotions. What I remember is love -- all love -- love of this dirt road, this sunrise, a day by the river, the stranger I met in a café. Myself, even, which is the hardest thing of all to love, because love and selfishness are not the same thing. It is easy to be selfish. It is hard to love who I am. No wonder I am surprised if you do.”

― Jeanette Winterson, Lighthousekeeping

Looking for the light - 11th March 2018

On getting my phone out to take this photo, I realised I had missed a call from my son who was calling from overseas to say hello on Mother's Day. I managed to call him back and we connected across the miles in the muddle of the wood. There were also squirrels, snowdrops and bird song.

 “This is not a love story, but love is in it. That is, love is just outside it, looking for a way to break in.”

― Jeanette Winterson, Lighthousekeeping

 Getting in touch with the "underneath story", not "the details" of my story, is something discussed in this blog by Jamie Ridler, she also talks about "success" and how this looks different depending on who you are. I was thinking about this a lot this week, following the death of Stephen Hawking. 

Someone once spoke to me about how I was always seeking to be "successful" in a very narrow way that had been defined by living in a middle class foster home. She reminded me that my constant quest to improve myself and to achieve more and more, meant that I was never happy with the way I was. Looking back I see how very unkind I was to myself, never feeling I was enough to be loved and always seeking approval from my foster Mother. It was a very harsh way to live my life, there was love just outside it and thank goodness it found a way to break in.

On Monday last week after leaving my last appointment, I was drawn to go down to the coastal village nearby to see the sunset. The sky was such a beautiful sight seen from my car, that, although it was late and I really wanted to be home, I could not help myself. I allowed myself to wander.

Sunset - 12th March 2018

I found these flowers in a planter on the promenade area, their pinkness really standing out in the unusual evening light.

Pink sky and flowers - 11th March 2018

Beautiful Creatures - 12.3.18

Wandering is becoming a daily practice, sometimes I find messages like these about colour and light; sky and nature. I am seeing the gifts in my story, and day by day I am becoming stronger in knowing who I am and what is important to me. Creating the next chapter of the story.

Colours - 12.3.18

"There it is the light across the water. Your story. Mine. His, It has to be seen to be believed. And it has to be heard. In the endless bubble of narrative, in spite of the daily noise, the story waits to be heard. Some people say that the best stories have no words. They weren't brought up to Lighthousekeeping.

It is true that the words drop away, and that the important things are learned in faces, in gestures, not in our locked tongues. The true things are too big or too small, or in any case, always the wrong size to fit the template called language. I know that. But I know something else too, because I was brought up to Lighthousekeeping.

Turn down the daily noise and at first there is the relief of silence. And then very quietly, as quiet as light, meaning returns, Words are part of the silence that can be spoken."

 ― Jeanette Winterson, Lighthousekeeping

Sunset across the Estuary - 12.3.18

 “Tell me a story, Pew.

What kind of story, child?
A story with a happy ending.
There’s no such thing in all the world.
As a happy ending?
As an ending.” 

― Jeanette Winterson, Lighthousekeeping