A wander with Flossy.

At the hairdresser's yesterday, I was reminded about the beauty of my hair. I have often forgotten this, and thinking about it will often set me off thinking about my Mother and her hair and my Father and his. The hairdresser and I were talking about how she wished she had hair like mine, how her hair was so thin and how she was taking vitamins to try to strengthen it.

Another hairdresser then talked about her constant fight against the curl of her hair, and we connected about this and a recent news story about a school putting a young person in isolation for his choice of hair style. A friend of mine who is mixed-race asked on facebook "Whatever happened to diversity?" The hairdresser and I discussed the school where she had gone as a teenager where children were allowed to express their individuality and creativity with hair styles and other expressions of identity. She said that it did not affect her academic performance. It is curious to me that schools continue to seem to fear children's self-expression in this way, though I know there is an argument that everyone looking the same, helps to prevent children bullying each other over appearance.

"Meet me at Macdonald's haircut" - photo from The Telegraph.

My curly, unruly mop head has not been a source of joy as I have tried to conform to some contructed idea of female beauty since my teens. I think I remember my Dad calling me "flossy" or something similar, and that came back to me yesterday along with a sense of joy and love. I secretly love my hair. It is strong and full and bouncy. I like it's curls and unruly behaviour. When I was away two weeks ago, I did not need to try to control it at all. I put a hat on instead and only once did I feel a sense of annoyance that I don't look neat and tidy when I take it off like other women often appear to do. I wonder how much time we spend trying to tame our hair during our lifetime.

The nickname "Flossy" puts me in touch with that little bouncy girl, full of smiles and passions and mischief and love. Here she is, front left, holding an ice-cream. That is one of my sisters at the back and you can see her hair is very wavy and lovely too. This must have been taken not long before my Mother died and my Father disappeared.

I have always looked at this huge loss in my childhood and the changes that followed as having left a void in my life that I've been on a journey of searching ever since. Particularly since my teens and young adulthood, and then again since becoming a parent myself when I was twenty-four. I have not really been able to see the joy and the love that were there. I have not been able to see my own worth and the gifts I had to offer the world. That is changing now. I am step by step, story by story, reframing the story of my life. Looking through the lens of abundance and self-compassion. I'm looking for the light. 

Late afternoon walk - 24.2.18

Light on the trees - 24.2.18

Moon in the beautiful, clear winter sky - 24.2.18

Evening sunlight - 24.2.18

Getting towards sunset (click to see the figure standing by the tree in the centre) - 24.2.18

One of my sisters bought me this little notebook for my birthday. It is really helping me reconnect with a daily gratitude practice. It was a daily gratitude practice that I believe helped me a few years ago, come out of that place of deep sadness, shame and loss that I had arrived at on my journey. I feel I need this again now so huge thanks to my sister. I am sure she does not know that her gift came just at the right time.

My favourite moment of today was this one, a shadowy leaf dance through the sunlight on our back room curtains, the quiet and peace of my Sunday morning. 

I've been reading, at last, The Wander Society by Kerry Smith. This was recommended on Right Brain Planner blog quite some time ago and I could never really connect with it until now. It is a joy and speaks to "Flossy" who has always loved to wander, to learn and to explore. I know I am back on the path of my highest good, and that I need to allow myself to wander and also to allow myself "access to what matters most to me each day." This is self-compassion.

Teresa Robinson of Right Brain Planner reminds me to "seek out portals in the sky"as part of "staying dancing in the direction of our dreams" and to practice "naming the truth about what is essential." Everyday I need to be wandering and seeking, creating myself.....not finding myself.  This life of mine has been so full and glorious, and I feel very humbled to be alive....me, here and now at this time in my life. There is so much I love and want to be.

"But is isn't easy," said pooh. "because Poetry and Hums aren't things which you get, they're things which get you. And all you can do is to go where they can find you."

A.A.Milne - The house at Pooh Corner.