In box wisdom - taking small steps and if in doubt make another list

"On this day of your life, Jan, I believe God wants you to know...

...that nothing is ever solved, or created, by standing still.

Movement is the process of the Universe. So move.
Do something. Anything. But do not stand still.
Do not remain"on the horns of a dilemma."  Do not fence sit.

 Put your foot down on one side or the other,
swing the opposite leg over and start walking.
You'll know before you take ten steps if
you're going in the right direction.

 Not to decide is to decide.

Try to not make choices by default."

Is making another "to do list" movement? Or is it more of the old habits of procrastinating, wishing, wondering, whining and wasting of time? I already made a list of 49 things to do before I turn 50 next February. I made the list in my notebook earlier this year, and then I shut the book and put it away. In fact I can't remember which notebook the list is in now.

For a few weeks now and ever since we came through the horrible summer of 2012, I've been telling myself that life (as it was, or a slightly altered version), can now commence again.

Initially I was too exhausted and afraid to very much at all, except to keep on going to work and paying the bills. Then we had a new situation start up just as the other one was ending. This one means that Mr Stayingawake might lose his job. So I told myself to "just wait until that is sorted" then we can get on with life.

Next I went to the Doctor's and asked her to feel a lump I found in my neck. She sent me for needles to be stuck in it, and then for scans. I was scared.

So I told myself that once the job situation and the lump situation were clearer then I would start life again.

2012 seems to have us in a permanent state of waiting and of fearing.

I watched the Paralympics and remembered all the times I've posted on here about Inspirational people and people of courage. How do people do this? How do they overcome such life changing events and restart their lives again? How do they just get up everyday, let alone win a gold medal or raise money for charity?

For years I've been "finding myself"; waiting until this happens or that; until I find my purpose; until I am comfortable in my own skin, and on and on......

I used to worry that I would get to the end of my life and be one of those who have massive regrets. Being someone who has allowed fear and anxiety to rule me for much of my adulthood, I have missed so many opportunities to live fully. The thing was I always thought that I had all of the time in the world.

I keep learning that I do not have endless amounts of time, that time will run out. Me of all people really should have learned this long ago. I keep learning to cherish what I have, to be grateful, to allow my light to shine, to love. Then I have to learn it all again. Do you ever find that happens for you? It must be a thing with us humans.

Anyway, whatever the situation with my health (and I will know more tomorrow), I don't have as much time as I did have. None of us do, do we?

  "Somebody should tell us,
right at the start of our lives, that we are dying.
Then we might live life to the limit,
every minute of every day.
Do it! I say.
Whatever you want to do, do it now!
There are only so many tomorrows."

  - Pope Paul VI

 -

The reality is I am 50 next year. This year I have lost my first tooth(except for my baby teeth of course) and the Optician is telling me my eyes are much older than 49, and that I have the beginnings of cataracts. I feel the start of something new arriving in my body.Life begins at 50 these days don't they say?

This year, 2012,  was the year I was going to "live alive", so maybe this is the year I finally learn what I have that is so precious. Maybe I am as close as I can ever become to living each moment as if it is the last?

Whatever the  doctor tells me tomorrow, it is time for movement.

Time to do all of the things still on my list and more.

No more standing still and waiting until.....

No more being afraid.

Whilst writing this post I realise that I actually have few regrets. Life has been how it has been so far, and there have been many wonderful moments. It's about adjusting those old expectations of myself and of life; about looking at myself with compassionate eyes; about letting myself off the hook; about making the most of each moment that is left and giving thanks for my breath.

Thinking and talking about death need not be morbid;
they may be quite the opposite.
Ignorance and fear of death overshadow life,
while knowing and accepting death erases this shadow.
-Lily Pincus