Winter Blues

Winter Morning - February 2012

Ok. Here I am. Did you miss me? I missed you, dear blog and dear blogging friends.

So what's been happening around here?

Well January has come and gone, as it probably has with you too. ;)

It wasn't at all wintry here in January, in fact it was almost springlike, and the snowdrops were showing their heads very early on. However spring-like it was outside, my body wasn't for being fooled; and decided that it was time to pack up a little bit more than is usual for me. A blessing really, as I truly noticed how tired I was and recognised the return of that dark, dark mood from last winter.  Recognising a pattern of very low mood at this time of year was a first for me, I look back and wonder how long this has been happening.

Sun through the fog - February 2012

I came home from work each night, and felt more tired than I have never felt before. Recognising a pattern of low mood in winter months, has helped me to put things more into perspective. The physical and mental exhaustion I am able to put down to this pattern, combined with some new changes in my body due to age. This has helped to get it all in balance. Mostly.

Just at the right time, it seems, I have been given a therapist and am working on two aspects of the old patterns that continue to reoccur.

However at times I've still been just a tad cross with myself, and the world. Stamping my little feet at the unfairness of it all. I don't want to feel so exhausted. I don't want to feel so afraid. There is much I want to do, to be. Why me?

Why me? Hey hang on a minute here. It's quite easy to see "why me"!

1. Old patterns of thinking - yawn....just a little bit boring to repeat for you here but they involve unreachable high expectations of myself. Also allowing fear to get the upper hand.
2. Old ways of being - running around, chasing my tail; procrastinating; gathering, worrying, regret and disappointment....doing, doing, doing.
3. Old familiar self-neglect - No walking. No yoga. Less healthy eating choices.
4. Seasons - another Winter - shorter days, darkness, changes in my body, hormones.

I'm glad to say that I am aching today. I've gradually been motivating myself to move again, and have had the odd walk on a Sunday or Saturday for the past couple of weeks. This week I am on leave from work and have walked Monday,Tuesday and Wednesday so far. I also did a few gentle Yoga stretches yesterday.I am thinking of volunteering again, but need to be a little bit careful not to over commit myself.

Walking in the Moonlight - 7th Feb 2012

So many days I have sat here, in front of this screen, wanting to post here. Only for fear to set in. Not wanting to write about myself as it has been so dark. No energy to post about anything else, although I have lifted my head several times to look out at the world and the happenings out there.

So I have learnt to let the "I should blog" or "I shouldn't blog about the dismal time I'm having" or "I should blog about something outside myself" thoughts go. I just decided not to blog unless I wanted to. Simple!

The world is still turning. I am still here. I still care about what is happening out there. Maybe I just needed a rest. No maybes. I needed a rest from everything. I needed to calm it all down and breathe. I have to make a final choice.

Sometimes a time away from something, helps us to reassess it's importance for our lives. As I toyed with the idea of deleting my blog, it became clear to me that having this place in my corner of the Internet was a source of strength to me. I miss writing here. I have had these old familiar fears, and the critical self-judgements, many times before. They will pass. The sustenance I find from coming to this place is too important to me to allow fear to destroy something I love to do.

When I look back over January and the beginning of February, there is much to be thankful for. There have been beautiful wintry mornings, homemade soup, homemade cake, plans, dreams, remembering, time to read, new art materials, taking a few photographs again, new books, BOD and music(see link to "37 days" below). I have surrendered into so many beautiful moments, allowing the dark voices to be silenced by soothing rituals and creativity.

Sweet Potato Soup - 28 Jan 2012

Soup Delicious - January 2012

I am in love with the music Patti Digh has included in her post here, so much so that I searched the artist out and bought one of her albums. It has been playing here constantly since.

How are you looking after yourselves during this season?