April Already

April has arrived with it's usual ferocity this year. This does often seem to be a month where I am challenged in some way. Since 2012 at least I have felt a teeny bit of dread for April however. I know this is coincidental and April is just like any other month. Life happens at any time of year.

April 2012 hit me like a lightening strike and the fallout from this lasted all year long. The fear and dread of something awful like this happening to my family again stayed with me into the new year and beyond. It remains with me now. We were lucky to survive. We are stronger for it, but I still wish I could wipe it from the history books. Sometimes I think I will write about it as a fiction. I think there are important lessons for society, but some people would never understand the story or the lessons.

Last year in April it was like a hurricane had hit me, knocking me off my feet completely after a few weeks of struggling to stay upright. I completely broke down, physically and mentally. This period of ill-health changed me in many ways. I am not the same person I was before and never will be again.

I think I lost something of myself that made me who I was. An essential part. It feels so sad that she is gone, and somedays I find that my capacity for hopefulness and compassion is lacking like never before. Somedays I am just going through the motions, empty of all feeling.

However the experience has also provided me with more of a sense of balance and strength. So not all is lost.  I try to be kinder to myself than I have been in the past.

From "The Help."

April this year has brought the loss of one of my oldest friends. Her short illness and the loss of her, has made me reflect on the friend I have and have not been in life. She was a true and loving friend to so many people and managed to bring happiness and laughter wherever she went. At her funeral, one mutual friend of ours, remarked that our friend had not been successful or fulfilled her true potential. Another of our friend's said that this was not the case, as our friend was successful in understanding others, when she talked with her our friend brought her own particular and wise attention. Our friend was wise, and knew the secret of happiness despite facing many challenges in life. She bought me this buddha as a gift once, I remember thinking at the time that my friend brought the gift of laughter to others. She was able to truly live and enjoy her life and it's many gifts. I know she was sad to be leaving life behind and had so much more she wanted to do.

The sun has been shining for many of these April days so far, and the sky has been a bright and beautiful blue at times. At the same time the air has been biting cold, with the occasional touch of the warm sun like a cosy blanket bringing welcome, if very fleeting comfort. The sun came out for the day of my friend's funeral, a family wedding, and for much of a visit to see two other mutual friends who live in the South. We've all been friends for 30 years, and it was good to share memories and to enjoy being outdoors. I visited some of the places we all shared so many years ago, and some places our friend would have enjoyed visiting if she were still here with us.

Good Friday 2017 - Morning Walk.

Walking along the Thames towards Vauxhall Bridge - April 2017

Evening view from Battersea Park towards Chelsea Bridge - April 2017

Pimlico Park towards Westminster Boating Base - April 2017

Old Isleworth, River life  - April 2017

Evening sunlight on Albert Bridge - April 2017

One of my friends and I went for a long walk on Easter Sunday and I took this photograph of her favourite view. I used to live in this area thirty years ago when we all first met and spent quite a bit of time walking here when my son was a baby. On my last day I walked along the embankment to the Tate Britain art gallery where I first visited as a student studying art history. I would have visited many other times with these friends and have since been back to visit the Core Gallery where the Turner collection is now housed. Coincidentally it would have been Turner's birthday tomorrow.

View from Richmond Hill - Easter Sunday 2017 and painted by Turner in 1819

Sorrow and joy all bundled up together in April.

April, the first month of spring....bright skies and cold fingers. 

Tender young shoots peeping up from the dark soil to see what's about.

Reminding us to be brave.

Reminding us that we're alive.

There is hope in April, and love......

and all of life's possibilities dance once again in front of us.

Our hearts full of awe and wonder.