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| Last of the birthday flowers - 23rd February 2013 |
Hello. I've forgotten how to blog. Strange as I've been longing to blog, but something has been stopping me. After weeks of being far too busy to blog I suddenly had a few days when I could write something, but when I sit at the page (or rather think about sitting at the page), there are no words; there is nothing I care about enough to blog about. I've lost my voice and all energy. I feel a little unlike the me I thought I was.
Maybe it's reaching the milestone of 50 that's interupted my flow? Though I think it was coming a little before then to be honest.
Mr Stayingawake asked me earlier, "So what's it like to be fifty then?"
A half hour later I decided I'd said enough, though I could have rambled on for a lot longer. He was looking a little distressed however, as if he was thinking "Darn it, why did I ask her that? The football is on in a minute!" So I closed my lips. Hush now.
So how does it feel to be fifty? I am feeling a little bit adrift actually. Undone. Underdone. Yes, that's it. Not sad or unhappy or anything. Just a little underdone. Not quite cooked enough. An undercooked, undone, number, floating in a murky pond without a tether, and feeling quite content except for an teensy irritating itch in a place I cannot quite put my finger on for scratching.
I feel the same as I felt last week, before my birthday, and yet not the same at all.
There is work to be done again tomorrow. People to "help", and paperwork to type. My heart isn't there. My stomach gives a lurch when I think of picking up the phone to someone in distress. I feel very tired of it all.
All I want is to splash paint on large canvases. I want to spend days just messing with paint and glue and words. If I splash enough paint, I will discover what is left to be done. I want to do much more walking, and stretching, and watching sunsets and sunrises. I want to listen to new music and talk to kindreds. I want.......
....to get closer to my mountaintop. If only I new where it was. Right now I feel it's somewhere in the paint, and the words. Maybe it is in the work I do everyday. Maybe the mountaintop in the distance, is only an illusion; and I've already reached it, right now when Mr Stayingawake and I laugh together at the smallest cat, when she shouts (in cat speak) at the pigeons, feeding on the birdfeeder in our garden.
Your Soul knows that there is more than one way to the mountaintop, and that there is no “right way” to get there.
Neale Donald Walsch
i hear you I am turning 60 on march 17, I remember when I turned 50 I still felt 30 , and as I reach 60, I still fell 30. But when I turned 50 my world changed I longed not to work and just do something do nothing, the closer to 55 the more the longing. Weird in a way it felt like I was done working and now it was time to get on with the rest of my life. So happy belated birthday, and about having nothing to say on your blog, well we all go thru that, sometimes I think to myself, why would I blog about that who cares, but then I think, I care, the blog was orginally for me....So now this is gone on way to long so talk to you soon
ReplyDeleteHmm, that is two of you now who said when you turned 50 you longed not to work. I started that longing in my 30s, lol. Perhaps when the weather changes in Spring you will feel more like yourself. As bloggers we all have our ups and down and I certainly understand the part about having less to say, at least for now ;-)
ReplyDeleteI have often thought that there is more than one mountaintop. I believe there are mountaintops for each phase of our lives.
ReplyDeleteI also think that work is of itself. There is more before work, during, and lots more after work. Our work, although it can be rewarding and give us the things we need in life, is not who we ultimately are. But then you know that.
I'm pushing 50... I have about 1 1/2 years to go. I'm already feeling underdone in the sense that I feel that I should've accomplished so much more by now. I don't know what but it seems like there should be more... I also think that most people feel this way.
Happy birthday to you. Celebrate life, celebrate it with all the gusto you have! And start splashing some paint!
Jan - I find that now I'm not working professionally it's still so easy to get over-involved with 'doing' as a substitute for 'just being'. I know, for you, 'just being' is not always an option because of work commitments, but I hope you get opportunities this week to be the creative person I know you are. I always enjoy reading your posts because you have such an honest way of expressing your feelings in writing as well as seeing your photos and collages.
ReplyDeleteThis time last year I got stuck with my blogging for various reasons and stopped for a while, but lost out on the enjoyment of communicating with blog friends.
Thank you for idea of a reading challenge based on reading books from around the world as I definitely feel as if I need to focus on such a project this year.