Bon Voyage

Bon Voyage to me as I set off tomorrow, driven by Mr Greenfingers, down to Heathrow; then on Saturday I fly to China to start the trek!

For the past three weeks things have been a real mess. I've been a mess. We had a very sad death in the family, work was the most stressful it has been since I started my new job, and physically I was not doing so well either.

Last week, Monday, the day before the funeral, I drove home from work feeling just pants. All I wanted to do was to curl up in a ball and forget about everything, forever. I came in the door and Mr Greenfingers was greeted by me with my very sorry for myself voice saying, "I don't want to go to China anymore!"

I didn't want to do anything anymore. You know how it is!

As the week went on, I found the strength to keep going at work but nothing much else got done. Mr Greenfingers and I are like ships that pass in the night.The house is not a very dust free place! My family and friends are forgetting who I am!

The fear grew. This morning I ordered my yuan and felt like I was going to cry and be violently ill all over the post office counter. I spilled out my fear in words instead, to the helpful post office guy!

Silly me, it's only a few days! I'll be back before we know it and all will be back to normality(or what is normal for me!)

I wonder if that is the problem. Coming home to what? Lots to think about just now. The spending review. Job. Relationship. Adult offspring. Who on earth am I? What does the future hold?

Tonight two special people telephoned/texted and said lovely things. One of them said they were sorry for things that happened, or didn't happen, after my Mum died. I sit here wanting to cry and get it all out before I go. I don't want to leave them all. I don't want to be doing this at all. I want to stay here inside my house, where it's warm and safe.

That's not of course what I really want. I want to make the most of every moment.

I am going to China and walking to mark the eightieth birthday of my Mum, this year. I am going to mark the forty years I have been without her. I am going to put the sorrow and fear behind me and to mark the start of truly living again. Enough fear and enough sadness. Part of this is the raising money for the Cascade Project which provides counselling and group support for children and teenagers who have had a loved one die. The adults around me did not know how to talk to me about my Mum or about her death. Many adults who are looking after children when a death occurs are already finding it so difficult to come to terms with things themselves, that they don't know how to help the children. The children, in my experience, don't want to upset the adults by asking questions. Such a lot of feelings are burried and for some children this can have far reaching effects. Of course most children are resilient and life goes on, but services like those at Cascade can help those children who really need a place to say goodbye and to remember their loved one. It helps the adults too, who don't know what to say or do for the best.

Mum only lived until she was forty. Before that she was a Mother, a sister and a daughter. She did not have the luxury as I do, of finding herself, of treking in a far away place, of blogging or texting, of reading great books. of meeting other fantastic women, and of celebrating her fiftieth birthday. I do have all this and I am a mother, a sister, daughter, colleague and friend. I guess that's what my normality is. When I come home I'll have lots to do. It's all right here.