These are the 40 or so steps i climbed last weekend on one of my preparation for China walks. I counted them to get a feel for what it might be like to climb the section of the Great Wall that has 1000 steps.Each day of the trek I will be walking only about 7 - 8 hours and this is only for five of the nine days that makes up the whole trip. Just a tiny fraction of the whole 12,700 km (7891 m) that is the total length of the Great Wall of China according to this site.
I am just starting to research for my trip. Exploring the sections of the wall and the provinces it passes through. My breath is already being taken away in awe at it's immense beauty and history. There is such a lot to learn and I will enjoy every moment. I'll be doing a bit of blogging about the wall prior to my trip, but for photos and my own travel journal I will wait until I get back.
For me the journey has already begun and this blog is one small part of that, as is the trek itself. When I look at the life journeys of the wise and wonderful women I am constantly meeting, I sometimes feel that my small and faltering steps are just not enough.
Then I am reminded by one of these women, that my journey is the same as the one they themselves are on. Each path the same but each unique. Each person walking alone and then again in connection with others. Sometimes in the Western world, it can seem as if each individual's journey is part of some great race where there are no winners. The quest to follow our own paths and to listen to our authentic and resourceful inner voices, I am reminded today, is not a competition and it is ok to fall every now and then.
As I am learning to "dance" in my journey, it is very important that I practice dancing here in my blog. My mother would not have wanted me to hold back now would she? What I wish for my own child she must have wished for me once. I know somewhere inside me, that she would hate to see me taking my steps as if in chains, unable to hear my true inner voice. To be able to contribute as I want, to a loving world, I have to break free at last.
So I was inspired this morning when reading this post by Lisa Field-Elliot. This week, there have been days when my steps along the path have been much more difficult, and my efforts to place one foot in front of the other have seemed heavy and laboured. So it was some kind of miracle today that led me from one inspiring woman's blog, to another and then another and then finally to Lisa's blog. As I sat reading her post I felt completely overwhelmed by emotion, I was reading someone else putting into words some of what I had been feeling this week but had been unable to name.
Tears came as I read her words, eventually I let them go. Down they came, washing away all the blockages of the week and enabling a clearer look at what had been happening. I gave a short glance at the hurt and the sorrow and the fear that I was allowing to creep back in. I recognised that what was happening, was that the old familiar barrier was in danger of going up again.
What I had been doing this week was letting the self-doubt and fear run riot and retreating from new adventures and risk. Morning pages felt difficult and mechanical for the first time since i had started doing them. Everything began to grind to a halt. I started wondering to myself why I was bothering to strive anymore, as I would never be good enough.
"Build back the wall and retreat", you know how the inner-critic goes,"after all it's much easier that way. Anything you can do now is too little too late, so why bother?"
I so needed to read that blog post this morning, recognising the judging, cringing, being embarrassed, shrinking, feeling ashamed and the finally coming to a full stop that Lisa mentions. Blogging stops, walking stops, wanting stops, striving stops, isn't it all so much easier? There goes that critical voice again, "Pretend you already know, you really should know by now. Don't make yourself vulnerable. You will never be at your destination, you've missed the bus and your small steps can never be enough!"
Will climbing 1000 steps in China help me follow my own path and listen to my true inner voice? Probably not. I actually don't need to go travelling anymore, to be able to hear my inner voice again, I just need to listen right now. If something stops me from ever reaching this goal and I never get to China, it doesn't really matter as I am already discovering so much on my journey. Of course I'm so excited to be going and I find preparing for the trip is giving me a focus and energy, but it's all part of a larger journey and the trek is only one small step.
Again on my blog, I appear to be thanking yet another wise and wonderful woman, it seems to be a theme here. Then again it's not just one woman, as I next watch the video of Elizabeth Gilbert that Lisa recommends in her post, and I continue to cry and laugh and to hear my own voice again.
I love it that both Lisa and Elizabeth point out so clearly that we are all "ordinary women" living in extremely complex times and who continue to feel unworthy. I love it that Elizabeth recognises what we continue to put ourselves through and how we compare our lives to those of other women, and score ourselves a low grade! I love it that she talks about a group of women who she calls mystics and how we are all looking for clues on a scavenger hunt through our own lives. I love the quote by Proust she refers to "We don't receive wisdom. we must discover it for ourselves after a journey no-one can take for us or spare us."
Anyway, I'm gushing a bit now, but Elizabeth reminds me not to give away my power and to do myself no harm, but to continue on my path and trust that my feet will know the next small step and the next, in time and with love. I think we most of us need this reminder every single day!
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